How to stop wanting someone you can't have?

[timeforanothernewname]

Really tiny problem compared to most on this page, I know.

He's a really, really good friend, and I'd be very sad to lose that, so I don't feel that nc is an option I'd like to take. It's definitely never going to happen, although I've very often felt that there is a strong mutual attraction (never discussed). It's been a long time, and I was happy to go with it whilst it was just an inobtrusive fantasy, but now I often find the impossibility of it all getting me down. :( I'm loath to use the 'love' word but there's definitely a big emotional element, it's not just "I want to shag you" stuff.

I'm aware there's a school of thought that says that these kinds of thoughts only persist because I am choosing to remain engaged with that fantasy. I can see some truth in that. I also don't know how to stop. I don't think I want to be in a relationship, with anyone, so I don't imagine meeting other people would help (or be viable - no time, no money, no childcare).

I agree that the line is being crossed here too. Your can't be best friends with a MM when these sort of feelings are involved.

Your need to step back sharpish or I can guarantee heartache and a total mess.

If he knows you have feelings for him and him potentially for you, HE really shouldn't be meeting you for cosy chats. HE is crossing the line. Playing with the feelings of a woman younger than him. His wife probably has no idea if your feelings. Does she know you meet with him.

In what context do you know him? How often do you have contact? It sounds like it is becoming an addiction. Nothing good will ever come of this.

Another affair in the making...

OP, I don't blame you - it takes two to tango.

I do - I blame him too

Bollocks bollocks bollocks. :(

Just rushing out the door but will be back later. Was very prepared for the 'this is all in your head' response, I suppose that's what the self-critical voice in my head says. This has a bit taken me by surprise and I need to think...

Mosman, yes! But in this case he is the one who is in a relationship. OP is a free agent and she is not accountable to anyone. She doesn't put a gun to his head, does she?

Not saying she is completely blame-free, but she is definitely not responsible for the wife's wellbeing. It's her Don Juan husband.

OP, who are you replying to?

You've got to stop mooning around after someone else's husband tbh. You said earlier that MM can have friends but really they shouldn't have friends like you, in order to protect their marriage as this situation is an affair waiting to happen. The fact he isn't avoiding getting into this friendship is big warning sign. I know how you feel I have been there. I moved a long way away to be able to move on and live my own life. It worked.

I do not buy this ow had no responsibility ... I have a wider responsibility to society generally to behave in a certain way that doesn't cause harm to other members. If everyone did that I truly believe the world would be a happier place. And if that's too much to ask them just women not dropping their knickers for married men will have to do.

We all should have moral standards. I do think the op has them, but I think she knows she is slipping into dodgy gr

Ground. It has to stop.

You have to let this fizzle out. Nc is the only way. Don't you want real reciprocated love from someone who y

You can wake up with, share happy times, plan a future together. This will never happen with him. You need to accept that.
I am married, but most men would enjoy an ego boost from a younger woman who is addicted to him. You can be the bigger person and let him go. You get nothing from this relationship but a few scraps. He has a wife at home who he shares his life with, has sex with, cuddles up on the sofa with. You have none of that.

Val007, it was a fairly broad reply to the most recent posts, which suggested that - rather than this being simply my pathetic lonely little problem to get on with - this is actually a 'situation' concerning others. I'd felt so sure that, even if given encouragement, I wouldn't be willing to go into an affair, that I hadn't thought it worth really stopping and thinking about it as a potential affair, iyswim. And obv it is. And that really does make me feel quite differently.

I don't want to inflame tensions more than I already have by instigating any debate around whether otherwise thoroughly decent men cheat physically or emotionally, or string someone along for the sake of an ego boost and with no regard to their actual partner, etc. My suspicion is that that's a grey area. But it's not a grey area I was aware I was in before... And it's a weird, new, and not partic enjoyable perspective on him. (And me. But I was already dubious about my own motives, though differently so.)

Quilt, atm I'm pretty sure I don't want any of that stuff, with him or with anyone else. (DC is still young-ish, still bf, still waking all night etc - my mind and body both pretty much say "uck, no room for anyone else right now".) Maybe that's partly why the unattainable fantasy persists. There is a certain lack of glamour in my own life, as happy as I mostly am with it.

Thanks. Some of this is hard to read, but it is helpful.

You are just worth so so much more than this shitty end of the stick, that's what you have to keep on reminding yourself.

OP, thanks. Yes, it is an affair in the making, because you are not 'stalking' him - he is fully participating in the dangerous liaisons!!! Just like you are, but the way, especially admitting you don't want to stop contact!

Agh. Scales. Falling...

And yes - I'm returning to MrsDoom's point that it's an addiction. It is. And I'm not sure exactly how, because it's true that tbh I'm not getting very much out of it. I feel very stupid. I thought I was so safe and detached and just dreaming up drama in my head. How silly.

Do you meet for dinner, coffee etc?
Have you met his dw?
How often are you in contact?

I'm mid 30s, happily married (mostly!), but if my dh was meeting with a girl 10/15 years younger on a regular basis, I would think it inappropriate. It would not be a normal, natural friendship and I think most people would think the same.

Mostly in pubs, sometimes coffee. We were on a course together (finished two years ago). Before I had DC (1 year ago) we generally met up once or twice a week with texts, emails etc in between (varying amounts, sometimes loads and sometimes much less). Since DC we've met up much much less as I simply don't have the opportunity to go out like that any more, maybe once every few months. Email and text still very varied - sometimes lots, sometimes little.

I've met his wife a handful of times. I think most of the time when I've met with him, she's been at work or travelling for work.

What is it about him that you like so much?

If you have a young child, did you have the same feelings for him when you were pregnant? What has happened to your relationship with your dc father? Are the two not linked?

Do you fantasise about sleeping with him, touching, kissing?

I'm actually quite aghast at all the posters on this thread secretly in love with married men. So much for sisterhood!

I don't think you can help your feelings. But you can stop feeding them with contact.