How to stop wanting someone you can't have?

[timeforanothernewname]

Really tiny problem compared to most on this page, I know.

He's a really, really good friend, and I'd be very sad to lose that, so I don't feel that nc is an option I'd like to take. It's definitely never going to happen, although I've very often felt that there is a strong mutual attraction (never discussed). It's been a long time, and I was happy to go with it whilst it was just an inobtrusive fantasy, but now I often find the impossibility of it all getting me down. :( I'm loath to use the 'love' word but there's definitely a big emotional element, it's not just "I want to shag you" stuff.

I'm aware there's a school of thought that says that these kinds of thoughts only persist because I am choosing to remain engaged with that fantasy. I can see some truth in that. I also don't know how to stop. I don't think I want to be in a relationship, with anyone, so I don't imagine meeting other people would help (or be viable - no time, no money, no childcare).

I agree Quiltcover. The first thing you should do is once you realise you have feelings is go NC. In fact thats the only thing.

What quilt said. It's what you do about feelings that is the issue - not having them to start with. It's exciting and miserable to feel like this about someone who you can't have. I said to the person who I had an intense attraction to that I wasn't going to be someone's second best/bit on the side so I would not be able to meet up alone or keep in contact. But I knew he was definitely up for an affair and he'd done it before. Still walking away was one of the hardest things I have done but I am so glad I did. Now I am in my 40s and married I can see the type of friendship you have is dangerous to a marriage as marriage is boring on occasion and new people/different people are not boring. Take care of yourself as it is tough to be where you are.

A good marriage is loving, sincere and solid. But yes marriage does not have the same thrill and excitement as when you first meet.

He seems to be getting his head turned and enjoying an ego boost. You're not getting much out of this at all.

He is married. You need to back off. End of.

I fell for a flatmate who was in a long-distance relationship. I knew all of his terrible habits from living with him, and he was, frankly, kind of boring, but nevertheless we just spent a lot of time together and i became extremely attached. I felt like the only time I was alive and home and safe and sparkling and brilliant when I was with him. In the end (not without a huge amount of drama to get there), NC was the only solution. I tried to keep him at arm's length through email (and at that point he had moved hundreds of miles away), but even then i found that it was taking up all of my head space thinking about writing to him and when was he going to reply, etc. It was an addiction, and I knew I could not have one tiny drop of him without wanting everything. I missed him for quite a while, and still think about him sometimes, but NC was the only way to move on to my life, and I did, and I am happy now. Next lifetime, maybe.

What do I like about him so much? How he makes me feel, I suppose: interesting, valued, respected, taken care of. He makes me laugh, and he's ridiculously intelligent. He was also a major force in getting me out of an abusive relationship 2-3 yrs ago, although I think I was somewhat smitten well before that point.

DC's father is a good guy and still a great father but it was never LTR material. He was very much a rebound thing after the abusive relationship, we split on good (my) terms. Although DC is v much wanted, my pg was accidental. Yes, MM was in the background to all of this.

What do I fantasise about? I don't even know, beyond kissing. God, that sounds chaste!

Am reading this back and sounding more and more stupid and broken than I realised. I am not a flaky person, honest. I am not used to being in this sort of thing.

I definitely, definitely need to stop engaging with this. It seems that the unanimous verdict is that the only way of doing so is total nc. Agh.

Must walk away. Must walk away. I know. :(

Ok. My dh and neighbour (who's married) were good friends, didn't bother me, but then I started feeling uneasy, she started texting him lots, he replied, she started having marriage problems and wax confiding in my dh. Again it just felt creeping towards more, I was pregnant, she was constantly telling me how lucky I was to have my dh compared to hers.

A couple of weeks after dd was born I found some fb messages, I will say mostly innocent apart from a comment from her how it was a shame they could never be more than friends now and to delete messages (which he didn't) so they couldn't be taken wring way.

I flipped, nothing had happened but it was developing towards an emotional affair, dh apologised lots and lots and I absolutely rocketed neighbour, w are since ok but she still says she feels she's lost my dh as a friend. Tough shit.

What I'm saying is its so so easy to move from friends into ea then onto a physical affair.

For me, the easiest way to walk away was to gradually slow down the contact, so that the length of time between my replies became longer and longer. He'd reply to my email right away, but I'd wait a day to reply, then the next time around it'd be two days, and eventually I forced myself to wait a week. I didn't say anything like "I am never going to contact you ever again", because I knew that however he responded to that would be upsetting to me, and might also start a new drama again. A bit selfish, but I needed that selfishness in order to be strong enough to leave. Finally it got to the point where I didn't reply for a while, then I just kept waiting another day, and another day, and it became a month, and somehow I was able to stop myself every time I felt weak, and would remind myself how shitty I would feel if I started up the whole thing again. But I never had to say anything like, "this is my final contact with you", so my options were always open and I had control over the situation.
Anyway, this is how I did it, and it seemed to work fairly well.
I'm sorry you're going through this, as I know how heart-wrenching and lonely it is.

Thanks, LongDivision. That makes a lot of sense and sounds manageable - and also quite good, in some ways, though I still feel v sad. There's something v v appealing about being able to feel properly in control, I think.

No other outcome is any good, is it. :(

I'm in the same situation. He's a friend of ours. I am certain it's mutual. He's not married but I am. Not a happy marriage by any means. DH sleeps downstairs, refuses to wear wedding ring but we're friends. we have 2 young children who would be devastated if we separated - ds is autistic. We have no money to split anyway so the whole thing seems totally hopeless. I'm 44 so it feels like it's too late anyway.