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Why does my 26 year old daughter hate me so much.

335 replies

cazakstan · 08/08/2013 20:58

I have 2 daughters of 22 and 26. My eldest left home at 16 after an argument and for the past almost 11 years has visited and stayed occasionally. She's just finishing a masters degree and has nowhere else to live and so has been staying at home with myself, my partner and my younger daughter. I must admit my relationship is not fantastic...it's always hard with her...it's like she has always had a bee in her bonnet with me. It's easier with my youngest daughter...what you see is what you get and we have a great relationship...but...my eldest...god...for the past 11 years it's been like walking on egg shells...she criticises almost everything I do or buy for her. She,s well travelled, educated, has a steady boyfriend. It has been getting harder each visit. Yesterday she would not stop criticising my younger daughter...my mother was here visiting...my youngest ended up in tears and left...even after that my eldest did not let up.. even after I asked her several times and then told her to shut the fuck up. My mother said she thought WW3 was about to erupt...she offered to take my eldest home with her...I said that was a good idea...give the situation a couple of days to cool off. It ended up with my eldest saying that she would be homeless, not be able to finish her masters and that she would never see me again. My mother left with my eldest. I had little sleep last night. I messaged her this morning saying that I did not throw her out, that she needed to get on with her life and not be making comments on my daughters life or mine, also that she needed to lighten up. That I was her mother and that she would always be welcome home, that she needed us as a family. 10 minutes later she replied...we were not a family, we do not behave like a proper family, that she has got on with her life without a family and continue to do so. OMG. My mother phoned me early evening to say that my daughter needed her books and clothes...I said that since my daughter was being so nasty to me that it was maybe best that my partner drop her stuff off thus avoiding a confrontation between her and I. My mother passed the phone to my daughter who immediately called me two faced then said why can't I talk to her like an adult. I hung up. I hung up to avoid any arguments. So that's where I am...I love her but don't like her. I don't like her animosity towards me and I cannot bear to argue with her. I want her to be happy and to get over whatever it is that makes her hate me.

OP posts:
HenWithAttitude · 10/08/2013 20:27

Does she get PMT?

Another daughter of mine had to be kept from knives once a month...I am joking but only just Confused

She acknowledges this problem herself -she becomes an angry aggressive individual. The OCP seems to have neutralised this and she is happier for it.

Caster8 · 10/08/2013 20:36

Agree with Hen asking about PMT.
There may be other triggers for sudden rowing or critisising or nit picking.

I once heard on the radio, a guy saying that when most people row, there is a pattern to the time of the rows. I didnt think that that applied to me and my husband. We dont have that many. But I thought I would try out the idea. Nothing to lose and all that.
It only took me a week to see that indeed, we too, had a pattern. Me PMT, or when anyone was going to visit. Him, when he was tired or hungry, or both!

Is she taking pills that may have side effects?
Perhaps she is more likely to flare up when your mother is around?

Actually had another thought. Is she alternating between praising you and critising you, because she wants your attention, negative or otherwise?

HenWithAttitude · 10/08/2013 20:44

Same daughter of mine goes v quiet when stressed and then we get an attacking outburst. She now acknowledges her way of dealing with stress is this and that it is 'unhelpful'

It did take us awhile to realise that obnoxious nasty behaviour had a cause outside of her immediate control

I'm having boys in my next life. I swear they are easier.

misskatamari · 10/08/2013 22:01

Glad you're back cazakstan.

I would pay no heed to some of the posts on here. There has been a lot of negativity and blaming when there were no actual facts to base it on.

You sound like you want to work things out with your daughter and I hope that you will be able to sit down together and listen to each other and move forward.

cazakstan · 10/08/2013 22:23

I'M back...one drink wasn't enough.
Talking to both my youngest daughter and my partner they have mentioned that it is my eldest who has the problems and that I have done nothing wrong.
Yes.. I do know that she can be difficult and has a problem with PMT...I know this through our conversations in the past when she's had problems with something / felt low then wham the realisation.
This I think is different...just chatting to my partner this evening we've figured that she has problems with most things...for example...
Her boyfriend of 4 years...she hates doing family stuff with him...weddings, get togethers etc...doe's not like us to have too much contact with them...even though I must have made a dozen cakes in the past 2 years for them...she has insisted on little contact between us..when she has felt compelled to attend hen weekends, christmas etc she has always done so under protest to me. She has said that she is on a break with the boyfriend most of this year..however...she has so far been away with him to Buenos Aries and New York...both times we had tears and tantrums over her not wanting to go...each time she's had a great time...she's off to Japan in a couple of weeks for a whole month with him and thinks he's going to propose...and still was insisting that she didn't want to go...we know she will.
She does not have a relationship with my mother...yet she's gone with her...I think she feels like she did not have a choice or is making out that she has no choices. I really think that one of the problems here is that she likes the drama of...poor me...look at what I have to endure. When in fact everything she does she does through choice...her choice.
I certainly have never had a great relationship with my mother...ever...not even now...nor do my daughters, but both of them know that it's different between us...they can turn to me for anything and everything.
Yes the eldest is jealous of the youngest...is that not normal sometimes...
It must be hard for for my eldest daughter...who hasn't lived at home now properly for over 10 years...but only visits for short periods...she has always had somewhere else to go home to...flat share, the boyfriend etc.
This time it's different...the boyfriend has been in Oz for the past year...she does not have her own place to go back to for now...It must have been hard for her...My youngest lives at home, my eldest doesn't...but then all of a sudden she was here. Still does not explain her behaviour the other day...it was like she was on self destruct mode, and yes I know I reacted to that in a way that she knew I would.

OP posts:
Andro · 10/08/2013 22:39

Yes the eldest is jealous of the youngest...is that not normal sometimes...

Why is she jealous?

t must be hard for for my eldest daughter...who hasn't lived at home now properly for over 10 years...but only visits for short periods...she has always had somewhere else to go home to...flat share, the boyfriend etc.

That's having somewhere to go to, not necessarily somewhere she perceives as home. If your daughter, for whatever reason, ended up feeling that she didn't have the emotional connection that goes with home, then that can be a very damaging mindset - it would help explain her constant nitpicking (insecurity and resentment often go hand in hand).

Andro · 10/08/2013 22:40

^epic underlining fail there...

Caster8 · 10/08/2013 22:42

Do you mean you think you have done nothing wrong ever to do with her?
Or nothing wrong lately?

Please take into account the PMT when she has it. I dont know if you get it, but it truly can be mood altering for about three days.

She may be a bit of a drama llama? Getting near bedtime. Aren't able to say yay or nay right now.

I dont think that it is normal for your eldest to be so jealous of your other daughter. And I think there is a problem there.
Is you eldest jealous of other people as well, or just her sister.
She may have valid reasons to be jealous of her sister.

sameoldIggi · 10/08/2013 22:43

It would be a fantasy mother who had never done anything wrong!
Fwiw I am not remotely jealous of my sisters.

cazakstan · 10/08/2013 22:46

Nothing wrong...this time.

OP posts:
wannabedomesticgoddess · 11/08/2013 00:21

I am really trying to see where you are coming from OP, but I am struggling.

You swing back and forth between listing her faults and describing how unbearable she is, and then praising her.

One minute she has a steady boyfriend, the next they are on a break.

Your partner and your youngest are going to see it from your POV because she is a fleeting visitor to the house you all share.

I feel very sorry for her. She must feel incredibly alone. Boyfriend in Oz, no real home to speak of. She is on the outside looking in on your family, on you and her sister.

poppingin1 · 11/08/2013 00:41

*I am really trying to see where you are coming from OP, but I am struggling.

You swing back and forth between listing her faults and describing how unbearable she is, and then praising her.

One minute she has a steady boyfriend, the next they are on a break.

Your partner and your youngest are going to see it from your POV because she is a fleeting visitor to the house you all share.

I feel very sorry for her. She must feel incredibly alone. Boyfriend in Oz, no real home to speak of. She is on the outside looking in on your family, on you and her sister.*

That, that and that.

MumnGran · 11/08/2013 00:49

Thank you for coming back, OP. That can be a difficult thing to do, if initial responses really haven't been what you want to hear. The more detailed the picture, the more likely it is that people will be able to offer consytuctibe input.

I would have to echo the previous post in saying that your younger daughter, and your partner, are indeed likely to be biased in their opinion, but presumably that is why you decided to talk here? - to get a wider viewpoint?

Your DD does sound as though she has some deep seated anger. It could be PMT, or equally it could be related to childhood issues. In either case, she may well not be able to identify why she reacts as she does, but there are obviously some triggers and that might be a good place to start exploring the underlying issues.
The points you make about travel etc, in which she seems very unsure about action - but does enjoy herself when she follows through - could be indicative of someone with very low confidence. 20 years ago, I might well have shown those same responses ..."I don't think I should go, I probably won't enjoy myself, there might be all sorts of issues......". They are allied to feeling very unsure of oneself. To be honest, she may be showing that she is a very strong girl at the core, because she is following through despite her concerns. The fact that her experiences are then positive will hopefully help her to feel more and more confident in her choices.

You don't actually say in your posts that you want to fix this situation? If you do, the my input is the same as it was before ....more or less.
I think you need to begin really talking, on neutral territory, and bracing yourself to hear things you may not want to hear ....because only when those difficult things are out in the open will you and your daughter begin to move forward.
You will need to do more listening than talking, to begin with, and not refute what you hear because it contradicts your perception.
You need to get the ball rolling by saying that you love her, that there are no issues which cannot be fixed if you are open and honest with each other ....that you recognise that she is in adult, and that you would like to mobe forward in the way she has suggested o.e. talking with one another as adult to adult.
Start by asking why she feels angry with you, and where she thinks the anger stems from.

I have one question which may be relevant ......are your DDs full sisters, or half sisters? No implied anything, in asking, other than that core issues could be rooted in the dynamic.

MumnGran · 11/08/2013 00:51

consytuctibe !!! pardon, what!
constructive

Caster8 · 11/08/2013 08:09

The daughter is 26 and left home. A lot if not most 26 year olds have left home. I have several children in their 20s. They have all left home, and are fleeting visitors. Yes, children of 26 who do not live at home, have a slightly different relationship with the parents at home, and any siblings who may be at home for larger chunks of time than they are. All very very normal .[as Shirley says, I do get the impression that those who dont have children that age, may not know what is a normal situation for a 16 year old or a 33 year old or a 26 year old].

And the having a steady boyfriend, and on a break. That can happen too. Very normal also for a boyfriend or a child to spend several weeks or many months working apart or being apart through travel. And for the people concerned not to be sure of the current state of their relationship.

Caster8 · 11/08/2013 08:14

OP. You have said on here to posters not to take what you say so literally.
If you are saying that on here, you will no doubt be saying this to your daughter and other people in your life.
That is probably disconcerting, and muddling for people around you. And also liable to arguments if you say many things like this.
Cant think of many examples but I will try.

If you say "I will be back in 5 minutes" but in your head you are really meaning " I will be back soon" or "I will back in probably half an hour".

"It wil be cold today". and you have said that because you heard that it was going to be cold at 1pm, but sunny the rest of the time.

I personally tried to speak accurately to my kids, and have brought them up to do the same.
Partly for their life, and partly because it stops misunderstandings, and yes, rows.

diddl · 11/08/2013 08:29

It sounds as if she still blames her sister & OP for whatever "made" her leave home at 16.

Yet 10yrs on, still expects to be able to stay there when necessary.

Not just that, but perhaps that everyone should fit in around her & all be grateful/celebrating that she is there.

swallowedAfly · 11/08/2013 08:43

OP i don't find it surprising that she avoids doing family stuff with her bfs family and finds it stressful. she doesn't 'get it' because she moved out at 16 and presumably found family life stressful before that hence leaving. the avoidance makes sense - the stress about it makes sense - the ambivalence about commitment makes sense. no?

i would recommend instead of looking at all this stuff as evidence of her awkwardness or your innocence you look at it as the field of clues as to her inner life and how she has handled early exit from the family.

her sister probably represents 'normality' to her or what she should/could have had itms? i should imagine it is very hard to come back in as the outsider (whether anyone wanted to make her feel like that or not it will have of course been like that as you are all a little unit). she hasn't handled it well but again i'm not surprised.

she flits about and changes her mind a lot, her moods are a bit erratic, she runs from security and safety and commitment and yet craves it and wants it and runs back. none of this is surprising. i suspect whoever hinted at what i'd call emotional homelessness has hit the nail on the head.

somehow you have to separate out your need to not feel like the bad guy and to hold onto your own self esteem (understandable) and the need to hear her and see how she feels and experiences things. at the minute they're getting tangled and that is where the explosions are bound to happen because defensiveness kicks off all round and it becomes a blame throwing exercise.

Caster8 · 11/08/2013 08:56

Brilliant post swallowedAfly.

cazakstan · 11/08/2013 08:59

Gosh...Think you hit the nail on the head there...Yes we are all supposed to fit in around her....When I said earlier that it's been like walking on egg shells...well it has...lately when she has visited we've all had to be careful with what we do and what we say...she has said that her work is so important that she needs peace and quiet to get on with it...so no visitors, no hoovering...no life at home.
We have family days, when my youngest is free and my eldest just hasn't wanted to join us...this can be anything from a whole day out at the beach, countryside, shopping, going out for lunch...which usually takes all day...just chilled out and relaxed like it should be. But my eldest puts so much pressure upon herself that she's always clock watching and does not like being out for more than an hour or so. I've said lately that she does need to lighten up a bit... a day off every now and then would be good for her. She doesn't even enjoy having a drink with us...a beer in the garden or a jug of margarita's. Another family thing.
I know that finishing her masters is a priority...doesn't help that she's not enjoyed it too much...but good on her for making the most of a perhaps a wrong choice of uni...it's not been what she expected.
I can't help thinking that all this has been a cry for help...but perhaps she went around it the wrong way and I certainly did not notice...I do now though.
I really think that she feels that she had no choice other than to leave with my mother...my mother visits me...I'm not welcome in her home because of my step father...a whole other story but probably relevant.
I just can't figure this out though...how do I reach her...I have messaged her and think that I just have to keep letting her know that I am here for her.
I feel that she is in an impossible situation...and I'm sure that it's not ideal being at my mothers...She didn't take everything that I thought she would the other day...her boyfriend bought her a handmade saddle for one of her vintage bikes...really expensive and she loved showing it off...she's left the saddle in her room on top of a chest of drawers. It makes me feel that that's her cry for help.
I love my family...my home life. It's vary sad that my eldest is not here to be part of this.

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 11/08/2013 09:08

how about a message that says something like:

i know i'm not perfect and haven't always gotten it right and it is really hard for me to hear that so i get defensive about it, especially if i feel attacked. i need you to know that i love you and i'm proud of you and that even if we can't make things work now i desperately hope we can one day. you asked me to talk to you like an adult and i'm willing to try that but we will need to bear in mind that both of us are hurt and defensive and need to make a real effort not to attack or walk away. let me know what you want when you are ready.

swallowedAfly · 11/08/2013 09:11

basically you need to admit your shit to yourself - if you have a tendency when defensive to walk away or hang up or shut down then know that and have a plan in place to deal with it and to communicate that that is what is happening. re: i can feel myself wanting to run now because i feel under attack but i don't want to - can we have 5 minutes just to calm down before we carry on?

simple example but you know? and your example of doing that will help her to learn to do that for herself - to hear when she is kicking into her defense modes and to take some accountability for interupting that process and stating what she needs in that moment.

we're all rubbish. we are prickly pears with buttons that get pressed and reactions that let us down etc. but we can, if we really want to and the stakes are high enough learn better.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 11/08/2013 09:13

Caster

It may be normal for a 26 year old to have a different relationship when they leave home, I did not dispute that, I simply pointed out that there is bias in this family, so the OP saying that her DP and DD2 agree with her doesnt really mean anything.

And I dont need to have a child in their twenties to be aware of what its like because....erm...I am a child in my twenties, my friends are too. I am quite capable of looking at the world around me and working it out.

Anyway, I am leaving this thread now. This is a lost cause. Not once has the OP admitted to anything she has done wrong. Its all her DD1s fault. And anything she has said she shouldnt have done has been followed by a reason why her daughter caused her to do it.

Very sad.

swallowedAfly · 11/08/2013 09:14

even this thread is full of people bristling at one another and not being their best because triggered and we're not even related! family is a zillion times more volatile because there's so much history, so much unconscious or otherwise knowledge of how to wound each other etc.

whoever said do it with a counselor present was probably right but that does feel huge i know. maybe you'd consider seeing a counselor yourself to prepare you to deal with this?

sorry for posts x3

Caster8 · 11/08/2013 09:28

They are all good posts swallowedAfly. And fwiw, I have to go out soon for the rest of the day.

I also think, fwiw, that this thread is now more harmonious. I do think, that for a relationship to even have a chance of working, that firstly, an atmosphere of somewhat peace has to be created, at least on one side, so that serious talking and listening can even begin.
And even if the person keeping the atmosphere calm, may well be the person who is the most upset and hurt. Very hard to do, I appreciate that. And still does not always produce the results that are badly wanted.

op, havent got time now to read your last post in detail. But would saym as I think you have said, that when a person is doing exams, they may indeed need, and I mean need, all the things what you said in your first paragraph and more. [I do know that for some who do exams, they need music and a bit of mayhem].