OH working away Mon-Fri - what can the future hold?

[hamburg]

So other OH and I do not as yet have kids. But we are in that stage of the relationship where they are being talking about. But it appears we have very different views on this.

He works Mon-Fri away from home. Normally in another country, this can swap from week to week what country he goes to. its just wherever he gets sent. I sometimes struggle with this, being alone for the majority of the week. But try and keep myself busy, its just the nights in bed alone nobody to cuddle up to that gets me down.

Anyway, dscussion came up about kids. basically he does not see a problem of having kids and him remianing in his job working away mon-fri. His resoning... 'loads of people do it, life doesn't have to change just because you have kids'

Yes, appreciate loads of people do it, people have to pay for family life some how. I agree with life doesn't have to change just because you have kids, but lets face it, it does.

But to me it appears HIS life doesn't have to change because we have kids as he swans off for another week around the world. But mine will be!! Sitting at home with the kids, oh by the way i am still expected to work full time also, while with the kids. Still expected to have a social life AND keep my hobbies up. All while looking after the kids alone for 5 days a week. Not exactly the idea i had in mind while growing up!

As a kid i never saw my dad that much and my relationship with him now shows this. I used to be very clingy to my mum as a kid even when my dad was around. I just never wanted my kids to not have a good relationship with their dad, i wanted someone to be involed with the kids. To look after them as a 50/50 share. Someone to share the sleepless nights with etc. But it appears I am not going to get this.

Not really sure to the point of this post. Maybe just needed to vent abit. So scared of loosing my OH, love him to bits. Just if i struggle to deal with him being away a few days a week how can I be looking after the kids without it rubbing off on them. Plus when he is back at the weekend, I would expect him to spend time with the children. But then where does the time come for him and I to spend time together, can you really fit it all in in just 2 days a week?

As i say so scared of loosing him but do not really see that I have any other option than to either walk away from our relationship or suck it up and get on with it. I do not believe he is ever going to give up on his job. He enjoys the travelling / the freedom and the money it brings.

I know others are / have been in the same situation. Just need to know how others have coped with this. As I most definately am not at the moment. Just want to sit here and cry :(

I don't have experience of this but it doesn't sound great. So you'd have to work full time and run the house pretty much completely alone, this sounds like a lot of hard work with next to no downtime for you, but pretty good for your partner. I struggle with my 5 month old, getting anything done and my partners home by 6 every night and helps once he's home (I'm on maternity leave at the moment).

Maybe you need to have a more serious talk about the reality of having kids and the immense pressure his work will put you under.

It is doable, but you shouldn't have to do it a all on your own. How much holiday does he get? And re money, is there enough for a cleaner twice a week? He nerds to know that you're not just going to pick everything up while he's away - even if you do agree to sahm - he still has responsibilities.

I could do it-having the kids with DH working away, I mean, but not if I had to work full time as well. Sorry to say it, but he sounds like he's being a bit of an arse about this and needs a bit of a wake-up call. What does he say if you tell him you are not prepared to live like that? Or are you just never going to mention you're not happy until you get pregnant?

Its tough. Really tough.

DH doesn't travel every week. The longest we've done in 10 weeks back to back of travel with weekends home (read, I did his washing and he dissapeared again). This pretty much started when DS2 was 6 weeks old.

Hes now 2, and its sporadically still going on.

There are ways to make it work (but the fact I know its just this project we need to get finished - only running 2 years late atm), and then its finished makes life more barable.

On ML, it was very isolating and lonely.
Working full time, its nackering, but at least I get to sit down and drink a hot cup of tea twice a day.

There are ways to have a social life - they just don't involve going out! I either go to friends with kids houses for tea, and we are back for bed time, or friends come to me after kids bedtime for takeaway.

DS2 adored his Dad, DS1 isn't so keen - but was always a Mummy's boy right from birth ("No, Daddy, go back to the hotel" is a regular friday evening refrain)

I also know a little girl who's father works on the oil rings - so away for 2 weeks, and then back for 2 weeks. She has a fab relationship with him, but Gran is around A LOT when daddy is working.

Do you have family nearby? That would make a big difference (My Mum 3 hrs drive away, MIL 6 hrs drive away).

I'll sumarise "manageable, but tough"

Talk through the logistics of what would change for each of you if you had kids and get him to see that v little would change for him and everything would for you. You would be utterly responsible for childcare and housework in the week (whilst working f/t) and it would be v easy for him to return on a Friday night and just do his own thing whilst you continue your routine of doing all the work.

DS2 adores his Dad - present tense....

OH knows I am not overly thrilled about him being away 5 days a week and he is trying to get on the shift where he only works 3-4 days a week away. But unfortunately this is down to his boss to agree to this. So its not a case of waiting till the day I am pregnant and then realise its not going to work. He knows, just only sometimes chooses to listen!

I think the full logistics need to be worked out of how it would work. I just can not see how i can remain happy go lucky all the time with the kids around when, by the sounds of it I am expected to be run into the ground and still be the happy little doting wife when he returns.

As I say I know he is not going to give up on the weekly traveling. If he was to do every other week or something then that wouuld be better but every week. I just see if I am so hung up on him not being here then the children will clearly be effected by this also.

Just really don't want to give up on the relationship.

I think your weeks would be lonely and resentful and your weekends would simply be resentful, I'm sorry.

During the week he'd be able to eat out, go to the hotel gym, go for a swim, talk with adults, sleep through the night.

During your week you would have sleepless nights, the stress of what to do about work if your children are sick, the stress of driving when you're absolutely exhausted (I once almost convinced myself it was OK to sleep on the motorway as I was just going in a straight line), the loneliness of night after night with no-one to talk to after the children have gone to bed, interspersed with phone calls to your husband with the sound of wine glasses clinking in the background while he tells you how hard he's working. And when you say you're tired, he'll say, "Oh, me too."

It's one thing if this is the life that happens to you afterwards, eg if you live together and work together and he's made redundant and the only job takes him away. That's one thing. But you are walking into this situation and you know it will be awful.

Something else... I've noticed amongst men I know who work away that they get a bit spoilt. They get used to everything being done for them and when they come home they don't want to start doing everything for everyone else. When women (with young children) work away, they are so bloody grateful for the cooked meals and the sleep and when they come home they slot right back into mum mode.

Are you married, OP? If you have children without being married you risk putting yourself in a very vulnerable situation.

I think if your relationship is going to work, he really needs understand how you working full time, looking after then kids and running the house all week alone is sooooooo unfair! There needs to be some sort of compromise from both of you.

Also make sure he knows that weekends aren't for him to laze around and haven him time, he'd need to help around the house and with the kids else you may end up being majority resentful.

Erm, life DOES have to change when you've had kids. Completely, forever and in ways you never anticipated.

Once you have children, their best interests need to come before your best interests and before his. It doesn't matter that he enjoys the freedom. His children's need for him will be more important.

Lots of people do work away, because it's the best or only financial option for their family.

He sounds naive, entitled and utterly clueless as to what the reality of having children means. Do not agree to this arrangement, you will be living as a single parent most of the week and your 'love' for him will be far less compelling when you are exhausted, resentful and burned out from doing all the millions of thankless tasks parents do all day every day.

Basically what ImperialBlether said.

Have done this, with my (ex) H. Have you discussed getting a nanny or an au pair? I used to work full time in a senior job and organise everything to do with home the DC whilst my H was away shagging on business. It is a miserable life without any back up.

If he really thinks that 'life doesn't change' once you have kids then he is quite frankly, Deluded.

Actually, it will be harder than being a single parent.

When I was first divorced, I would leave the housework until the weekend, preferring to have the evenings to myself and then one big blast on Saturday morning.

Can you imagine him coming home and finding the house a complete tip? And that will happen, unless you have cleaners in on a Friday. He won't get that you're tired. He won't understand that you are busy. Really, he won't.

Trouble is, that for a lot of blokes life doesn't change much. They carry on much as before, expecting their partners to do it all. In fact, many will end up doing even less around the house if their partner is a SAHM or on maternity leave, as they see it as having a housekeeper too.

Couldn't live that way, myself. But there are many thousands of women who accept it as "just the way it is."

of course lots of people manage it, but different people have different needs. Youre being honest with him in that you dont think youd cope with it, and he's dismissing that.

He is right in that a lot of people do it and are fairly happy. But it doesn't suit everyone. I don't think it would suit me very well as a permanent arrangement. I agree that it would be harder than being a single parent because he will be coming home and have 'expectations'. And won't have a clue what you do all week.

He sounds like he has a nice life, in that he's trying to continue doing what he does. I'd be surprised if he even asks his boss about working fewer days away.

I know a common dream of mine is to go and live in a hotel. It must be lovely, having everything done for you. When I've stayed in them for work I couldn't believe how much time I had free. No meal planning, shopping, thinking about what to eat. No dishes to wash up or clear away. No cost - no wondering whether you can afford something. And there's usually a gym and always other people to chat to. When you go to bed, the bed is made, the sheets are clean, you never have to wash them or even think about them, the bathroom's always clean, nothing needs fixing or mending or paying for.

I wonder how he would like to be the one to stay home with the baby while you stay in hotels Monday to Friday?

He'll make out it's hard work, but at heart I bet he can't believe his luck, living like that.

By the way, the way he's living? It's the exact opposite of your life if you have children with him, work full time and have him living away. The opposite.

My OH chose to take on a secondment in work to further his career which basically meant he was away every week. Prior to that he had a job which meant he went away on lots of courses etc.

I don't begrudge him a career and want to support him, but I was very resentful that he was away all the time and the kids really missed him, and I work on a weekend so we didn't get much time together.

He is now working shifts so as a family we get 2 Saturdays out of every 5 as a family and that's only if he isn't working extra which he sometimes does. I work every Sunday.

I wouldn't change things now as I love my kids and wouldn't change them for the world. But my marriage isn't a good equal one.

However my advice would be it is very hard and unless you have a good support network (my family don't live that close so no support on an evening etc) you will feel resentful.

It is up too you and only you can decide, just think about how resentful you will feel, and have an honest discussion about how things will work at weekends.

hamburg my DP works away up to 4 weeks at a time (occasionally 3, sometimes up to 6 weeks). We have 11 month old DS. It is doable but it's tough at times, though I don't think you are under any illusion about that!

My DP is home for a couple of weeks in between but we have done it when it's only been weekends before. You just have to plan your time so you get time as a family and time as a couple. Even if that's just an hour for a coffee you will appreciate that time.

I'm only working a couple of hours a week now but when DS was 5 weeks old was back to studying and a full-time placement so it can be done. Do you have family or close friends around you if you ever needed an hour to yourself when DP away?

When I go back to work f/t we will be getting a cleaner/gardener to take the pressure off me a bit when DP is away. When we first discussed it I thought it was really extravagant but we reasoned that there is no point DP being away so much working so hard if we don't use the money to make life a bit easier!

I agree with Imperial. I did this kind of with my ex when DD was small. He worked on engineering projects that would take him to various parts of the world. Sometimes if it was Europe he got home on the weekends, but if it was Malaysia or the States he didn't. When she was a toddler I did a whole year with him home for a week every 3 months.

It's hellish and I would never do it again. Even when he was only in Europe and came home on the weekend, or home on his holidays he wasn't really a partner he was a visitor who came into my house and disrupted my routine. I never got a break (I didn't have family near me) and it was very very wearing and tiring - we eventually split and I was a single parent and it was easier as a single parent, because I didn't have the disappointment of relying on him and him letting me down due to deadlines or whatever and not turning up, I just had myself to rely on and I knew it was always just me.

Agree with ImperialBlather.

It is harder than being a single parent with little to no sex to boot.

It is going to get a lot worse for you (because of the fatigue, loneliness and resentment) and him (because he is used to swanning around and not compromising his life for children). You may end up loving each other less and less and him being away will be ripe for the picking for having affairs.

You say you don't want to lose this relationship. Well, he is going to have to show some skin in the game BEFORE you have children. Once you fall pregnant, you lose all the cards, so plan this in advance. He has to make arrangements to be at home more and help out in the house more. Even then, this is not a glittering prize of a relationship. He is not the prize cock.

Sorry to be so blunt. But you have to know what you are potentially getting into. It could work for some couples, but not others. You have to find out which side of the divide you fall.

My DH works away 5 days a week. We have an 8 year old daughter and have just decided to try for another one (maybe 2).

I plan to work 4 days a week.

It is hard during the week but we make it work. I know it will be harder with a baby but I also know how supportive DH is.

He comes home at the weekend and we blast the cleaning together (would get a cleaner if/when we have a baby). He also does all the cooking at the weekends. He always makes time to make our daughter feel special too.

He earns very good money working away and there are no jobs where we live.

Also, I don't have any family help either. They all live miles away.

We make it work because he is a wonderful man and he understands that I need help when he comes back. I wouldn't consider having another child with him if he didn't

I am a ft working parent. Whenever I travel on business, I see it as a holiday because there are no chores, no children's life to organise or house admin.

Imagine being on perpetual holiday 5 days a week! Except your dh won't recognise it as being a holiday because he does not have the experience of being a lone resident parent. He will see it as him working hard to provide for the family. My arse.