OH working away Mon-Fri - what can the future hold?

[hamburg]

So other OH and I do not as yet have kids. But we are in that stage of the relationship where they are being talking about. But it appears we have very different views on this.

He works Mon-Fri away from home. Normally in another country, this can swap from week to week what country he goes to. its just wherever he gets sent. I sometimes struggle with this, being alone for the majority of the week. But try and keep myself busy, its just the nights in bed alone nobody to cuddle up to that gets me down.

Anyway, dscussion came up about kids. basically he does not see a problem of having kids and him remianing in his job working away mon-fri. His resoning... 'loads of people do it, life doesn't have to change just because you have kids'

Yes, appreciate loads of people do it, people have to pay for family life some how. I agree with life doesn't have to change just because you have kids, but lets face it, it does.

But to me it appears HIS life doesn't have to change because we have kids as he swans off for another week around the world. But mine will be!! Sitting at home with the kids, oh by the way i am still expected to work full time also, while with the kids. Still expected to have a social life AND keep my hobbies up. All while looking after the kids alone for 5 days a week. Not exactly the idea i had in mind while growing up!

As a kid i never saw my dad that much and my relationship with him now shows this. I used to be very clingy to my mum as a kid even when my dad was around. I just never wanted my kids to not have a good relationship with their dad, i wanted someone to be involed with the kids. To look after them as a 50/50 share. Someone to share the sleepless nights with etc. But it appears I am not going to get this.

Not really sure to the point of this post. Maybe just needed to vent abit. So scared of loosing my OH, love him to bits. Just if i struggle to deal with him being away a few days a week how can I be looking after the kids without it rubbing off on them. Plus when he is back at the weekend, I would expect him to spend time with the children. But then where does the time come for him and I to spend time together, can you really fit it all in in just 2 days a week?

As i say so scared of loosing him but do not really see that I have any other option than to either walk away from our relationship or suck it up and get on with it. I do not believe he is ever going to give up on his job. He enjoys the travelling / the freedom and the money it brings.

I know others are / have been in the same situation. Just need to know how others have coped with this. As I most definately am not at the moment. Just want to sit here and cry :(

IME one parent working away a lot only works when the other parent isn't working full time. There are some professions/careers where away work is unavoidable - rig work, for example - but they normally pay enough to compensate for the work/life balance hit you have to take.

I have managed the working away 5 days, with a child and a FT job. I didn't do this until DS was at school - and work were flexible, meaning that I could get to pick up DS not too late, then do some more work in the evenings, but its not easy. And I must admit that its much easier now that DH is doing the same job from home instead. There was one time I was so ill (pneumonia) that DH had to come home from his job to look after DS (and me) - whilst I might have managed me, I couldn't cope with DS as well on my own.

His resoning... 'loads of people do it, life doesn't have to change just because you have kids'

Sorry, that sounds a bit bitter and probably unhelpful.

It wouldn't be my ideal setup but I have seen it work for other couples. It will depend on how independent you are and how hands on he is at the weekends.

I am however surprised by the comments that it is worse than being a single parent. How can having a partner who is out earning family money and around every weekend be harder than being fully responsible for all everything including earning enough to pay all the bills?

When I was a single parent it was much harder work than having a partner who was working away. Weekdays were tough but ok. It was the weekends when everyone is doing family stuff that were the hardest. You'd have him around then and he'd be working to pay for your mortgage, bills etc.

Many military families do this, so it is not impossible. DH (RAF) and I have been together 11 years and in that whole time he has either worked away from the home Monday to Friday or has been on a Tour overseas (these have varied from 1 month to 7 months).

I am currently pregnant with our first child and it looks very likely that DH will be sent on a 6 month Tour in Afghanistan when the baby is 3 months old.

To my mind, you will make it work if you want to. Yes it is hard, but plenty of other people make it work for them so it is not impossible. Perhaps you need to have a long term chat - how long does he plan to do this particular job? I know that my DH plans to leave the military within the next 5 years so I know he will be living at home at some stage in the near future.

Of course it's doable. It's just a question of whether you want that sort of life.

Soldiers' wives can go for months on end without seeing their OH at all. In your situation you would at least get weekends. I don't think many soldiers' wives have cleaners and nannies, they can't afford it on soliders' pay.

Not saying it's perfect, but pointing out that there are women out there who make it work. Presumably if they know 100% he is MR RIGHT, they make it work.

life DOES change when you have kids.

sounds like he doesn't expect his life to be any different. I can't see any partnership here.

hard choice I know - but don't have kids with this man.

Yes, but the difference is that a soldier is out working hard and living in difficult conditions. That's very different from someone staying in a hotel.

OP, do you even like your life now, with him being away so many days a week? It is not going to get better, on the contrary ...

It is definitely doable but not easy. My DH has worked away either Monday-Friday, Sunday- Friday or Monday - Saturday our since our 2nd child was 2 weeks old. He's now nearly 2 and our daughter is 5.

I have no family support except my MIL but as she's 74 I don't like putting on her too much. I run my own successful business as well as having the children and being on my own all week. I also suffering thyroid problems now which has added to the tiredness :-( I'm also doing a Law degree, AAT course, I'm a governor at my daughter's school and on the PTA. I've no idea how I manage to keep going sometimes lol!

I would definitely say that it will probably end up causing some resentment as it has with me. I'm stuck at home again while he's sat in some pub having a steak and chips. I don't get to sit on the sofa all week or watch tv but when he comes home he thinks he's finished work and can just lie and watch tv and not help me out. The housework is all my job as he hasn't made any of the mess as he's not been here so why should he tidy it up. Most of it isn't mine either but I still have to do it!

I'm lucky in that the children do still have a good relationship with him and talk or FaceTime him during the week. But he doesn't spend alot of time with them or me. I'm lucky in that my two best friends don't have children so come to mine for a takeaway at least once a week so I still get to see my friends but can't go out.

I would say definitely set down ground rules of what you expect of him when he is home and that you'll need a night off every now and again otherwise you will end up resentful.

I know that my DH plans to leave the military within the next 5 years so I know he will be living at home at some stage in the near future.<

This is a massive difference from someone saying they don't want to change their life, though.

TBH, I always thought, it will be fine, lots of families in the military do it, but I think the reality when you have someone home every weekend, who doesn't want their comfortable life to change, whilst yours has changed beyond measure, it is difficult.

Not that I a mystic Meg or anything, but I honestly dont see a future here.

You are with a man who are happy to have a weekend relationship with you, where you deal with all the drudgery of daily life, and he swans in, and off again two days later. Of course he is happy to have kids, he wont have to be a dad, only a weekend dad who swans in, and takes off again.....

Really, I would move on, if I were you.

Imperial - have you ever worked away from home? Some people do like it, yes. But for most people it's shit. We do it because it's the best way to look after our families. Traveling to different countries week after week is particularly vile. And every single persons experience is different so you can't possibly generalise and assume that someone staying in an hotel will be having a lovely time. There are some truly dreadful hotels out there (Verona, I'm looking at you. And Kiev. And Berlin. Oh yes. )

NulGirl - of course having a partner means he earns the money, but in terms of actual practicalities of day to day living I found it much easier to be a single parent. I wasn't waiting to hear if he would be home or not, I didn't have to tailor my life to suit the rare weeks when he swanned in and swanned off, I could do what suited me. But my ex didn't really help at all in the house because as far as he was concnerned he wasn't making the mess so he wasn't for helping to clean it up. He also wanted time to "chill" and not have to do the drudge bits of parenting - which hasn't changed now that we are divorced.

I'm reading this with a sinking heart, DH has just been headhunted for a job which is more than double his current salary but he'll be away Monday- Thursday every week. I work ft too. I thought we could manage it bit realise now I hadn't thought through a lot of the issues.

Russians, I think the fact the OP's OH is determined not to change his lifestyle tells us working away from home isn't like that for him.

I've not worked away from home, though I've been on plenty of courses away from home.

Working away isn't a breeze.
Yes, it sounds lovely, but there are 101 other things that make it harder. Yiou want to sort out XYZ paperwork, except its not there. You want to renew tax disk, except you need the reference paperwork that is at home.

And, nice as it sounds when you havn't done it week in week out, eating rich meals on expenses night after night isn't brill either.

Sorry, Russian, you got there before me - I opened this, then got sidetracked.

Bigkids, it can be very different if you have the kids already, because your husband will know what's involved in daily life. If you didn't have children and your husband worked away, then had them, he might not understand in the same way, particularly if he thinks things will stay the same.

I get you. He is very hands on too which is hopeful. I must confess I hadn't realised I would be the one responsible for all sick days though. That is major.

My DH has done this for over 10 years. We have 3DS between 6 and 10.
It was tough in the beginning, but I actually find it easier when he is away now
It works for us, but that doesn't mean it would work for everyone.

OK atm when he comes home what happens? Are still doing all the hw, washing ironing for him so he is ready to leave on the Monday?
What does he expect to happen 2ith kids? that he comes home, plays with them a bit but carry on with his own hobbies/things and then go away again?

For 6 years, DH has been away most of the week, every week. Not 5 days more like 3~4 but still.
Weekends shave always been difficult because he has to fit in our routine, learn how much the dcs have changed, what isn't working now that was working last week and what is working now. Learning how to 'be' with the dcs can only be learnt when you are around them. Especially when they are little and change fast, this itself can be a challenge.
On the top of it, his life didn't change much and he certainly didn't feel the need, the push from the dcs to change his way, unlike me who had to.
So yes the first years have been hard. They have been very hard until I went away myself for a lot of weekends (for work) and he had to take over and do the hw, the ironing, cooking and look after the dcs. Then only then he learnt what to do with them, how to react. And that no this isn't that easy to do...

So my advice would be that, yes it is doable. Yes you can be contented with it but you need some strict rules about his involvement with the dcs and hw. He will HAVE to be fully involved when he is at home both with the dcs and the hw. He can not expect you to do everything whilst he is away and then recover from his week during the weekend and do nothing (And yes I have the travelling around before and it IS hard. But then so is working full time with young dcs and being on your own).

BTW, what about this working full time? Is he also expecting you/asking you to carry on working full time? Are you happy with the idea?

I am in a weekend relationship and have been married 12 years (together 18) and we have 2 DSs (6 and 8). For us, it works, and DH appreciates that it puts a lot of extra pressure on me as the one who is at home.

He was in the Navy, but left last year....and now has a job about 2 hours away so spends the weeks living at his sister's house, getting home maybe once a week.

We have a cleaner and an AP, and I work FT.

It isn't easy - I travel quite a lot with my job (in terms of status, we are paid exactly the same) and there is lots of juggling.

Mid week, by the time I get home, say good night to the boys and fiddle about getting my dinner, I have time to have a phone call or 2, watch a bit of telly....I don't get lonely.

Imperial Blether makes a good point - when DS1 was a baby (6 weeks)and DH came back from sea (he'd been away since DS was 20 days old) bringing a friend to stay, I wasn't best impressed. He's learnt since then

I am reading all your messages, just not really wanting to reply and face the facts. You are all correct. I have tried comparing it to Soldiers that work away, but it is nothing of the sort! Soldiers deserve the utmost respect, they do not go boozing it up everynight staying in 5 star hotels, eating whatever they want whenever they want as its all payable by the company. Their wives / girlfriends also are angels as it is hard work to be by yourself. least you can justify staying home with the kids, daddy is out saving the country (so to speak)

But when your left home alone with kids while daddy is living the high life. Not so easy to deal with.

Someone asked do I like my life? At the present...not really. I used to when OH worked here, I was hoping it was something i would get used to him being away, but it appears I can't. I don't 100% trust him as I believe their to be many temptations put in front of him while away (if you see what I mean) But i trust that he is not stupid to do something as silly as that! He calls me normally when he is back at his hotel room of an evening going to bed. So guess he wouldn't be doing that if he was playing away somehow calling me with the mistress in the back ground. lol.

Big Kids- Please don't let my issues / opinions of others on this thread deter from what sounds like a brilliant opportunity for your husband and your family. Just make sure all is disscussed before the opportunity is accepted, go through everything and then go through it again. Make sure you both agree to the outcome.

I know the best out come for this, just get out now. But not sure i can right at this moment. It would literally tear me apart (as pathetic as that sounds) I would loose so much as well in other parts of my life. Stuff he has helped me with. Stuff that I wouldn't have if he didn't do the job he does. Maybe that sounds a bit materialistic, which I am not. He can take all the stuff back if it means him being here instead of away. But Its all or nothing, there is no inbetween ground.