OH working away Mon-Fri - what can the future hold?

[hamburg]

So other OH and I do not as yet have kids. But we are in that stage of the relationship where they are being talking about. But it appears we have very different views on this.

He works Mon-Fri away from home. Normally in another country, this can swap from week to week what country he goes to. its just wherever he gets sent. I sometimes struggle with this, being alone for the majority of the week. But try and keep myself busy, its just the nights in bed alone nobody to cuddle up to that gets me down.

Anyway, dscussion came up about kids. basically he does not see a problem of having kids and him remianing in his job working away mon-fri. His resoning... 'loads of people do it, life doesn't have to change just because you have kids'

Yes, appreciate loads of people do it, people have to pay for family life some how. I agree with life doesn't have to change just because you have kids, but lets face it, it does.

But to me it appears HIS life doesn't have to change because we have kids as he swans off for another week around the world. But mine will be!! Sitting at home with the kids, oh by the way i am still expected to work full time also, while with the kids. Still expected to have a social life AND keep my hobbies up. All while looking after the kids alone for 5 days a week. Not exactly the idea i had in mind while growing up!

As a kid i never saw my dad that much and my relationship with him now shows this. I used to be very clingy to my mum as a kid even when my dad was around. I just never wanted my kids to not have a good relationship with their dad, i wanted someone to be involed with the kids. To look after them as a 50/50 share. Someone to share the sleepless nights with etc. But it appears I am not going to get this.

Not really sure to the point of this post. Maybe just needed to vent abit. So scared of loosing my OH, love him to bits. Just if i struggle to deal with him being away a few days a week how can I be looking after the kids without it rubbing off on them. Plus when he is back at the weekend, I would expect him to spend time with the children. But then where does the time come for him and I to spend time together, can you really fit it all in in just 2 days a week?

As i say so scared of loosing him but do not really see that I have any other option than to either walk away from our relationship or suck it up and get on with it. I do not believe he is ever going to give up on his job. He enjoys the travelling / the freedom and the money it brings.

I know others are / have been in the same situation. Just need to know how others have coped with this. As I most definately am not at the moment. Just want to sit here and cry :(

OP if you dont want to have kids with a man who works away every week then you dont need to justify that to anyone. I couldnt do it.

It is clear that this sort of life is not for you.

But I do wish to say to you that there are an AWFUL lot of people who work away in the week who will happily tell you that it is far from being a case of them "boozing it up every night staying in 5 star hotels, eating whatever they want whenever they want as its all payable by the company"

imperial He doesn't want to change his job. That's not quite the same as not wanting to change his lifestyle.

The Op says: "I do not believe he is ever going to give up on his job. He enjoys the travelling / the freedom and the money it brings."

I'd just add that military husbands and wives are not just apart during overseas tours. DH is rarely overseas (hasn't been since 2007) but we live apart during the week because he has to move to a new job every 18-24 months and we took the decision that we wanted to buy a home that would be our base. It is too far for him to commute daily from home to work, so he lives on base during the week in the Mess, meaning he gets all his meals provided for him and only has a single room to keep clean!

This has meant I can keep my career, at the moment, and also we have put down roots for when he finally comes out.

jessica Exactly. Some people might go out boozing living the high life if they are away once in a blue moon. On a course or at a conference. But week after week? For years? You'd've been fired long ago. Working away from home is hard however much it pays. People who work away from home deserve better from their partners than the sort of ill informed opinions I'm seeing in this thread.

imoerial exactly. His job. He doesn't want to do another job. What's wrong with that?

I initially thought some of these responses were quite harsh, but I do see where they are coming from. You say your DP enjoys the freedom etc of his job and you can't see him giving it up. If part of the appeal of his job is the travelling I can see how you might start to resent him.

I struggle sometimes with DP being away. Sometimes I do wish he was at home day in day out with DS on his own to see my reality, but ultimately he does it because he has to. He couldn't get a job in his field here...so he travels. He would give it up in a second if something at home came along. If he was off living the high life mon-fri I would struggle a lot more with it, but he doesn't spend a penny when he is away and might have 1 pint on way home at the airport so it's a different situation really.

DP also does pretty much everything while he is home as he is free to while I might be in work, at his insistence I get a bit of a rest. How likely is your DP to see the home and attending to DCs as solely 'your job' even when he is home?

I've only read the OP and skimmed the first page, but my DH works away most weeks Mon-Fri. We didn't plan it, we both lost our jobs within a very short period of time and this was the best option (our children were 1 and 3 at the time).

It is very doable with a good routine and good sense of humour, BUT you will struggle with balancing full time work with it. Back when I worked PT we had both a cleaner and nanny to support us because DH wasn't about to help.

I am a SAHM now (until both DC in school) and it works well for us, although I'm looking forward to him working locally at some point in the future. I think it helps that shortly after our first DC was born I worked FT from home whilst he had a sabatical from work and took on most the childcare & housework - so he really does understand how hard it can be.

I'm not sure you can separate the job from the lifestyle, when the job involves, according to the OP, living 5 days a week in 5 star hotels. She's clearly stated that it's the lifestyle as well as the job that he doesn't want to give up.

I am not saying this is true of everyone who works away from home; far from it. I was answering the OP's posts.

People who work away from home deserve better from their partners than the sort of ill informed opinions I'm seeing in this thread.

If you're struggling now then it will only get worse when you're alone, exhausted and in need of help looking after a little one.

If he isn't prepared to compromise (which my ex wasn't!) then be sure you'll effectively be a single parent for 5 out of 7 days a week. And what happens when he wants to spend the weekend on his hobby or with his mates because he's been away all week?

How easy would it be for him to get a job without less/ no travelling? What is your earning potential? Could you work whilst he stays at home?

I agree with Russians - working away from home is no picnic. If he does have children he will inevitably miss them / miss out to some extent but presumably he would do this in order to support his family?

DH currently works away 2-3 nights a week. It is fine. Our kids are 2 and 4 and I am currently a SAHM. I think working would be ok (and plan to again fairly soon).

BUT

The big difference is that my DH worked very close when the DD's were born. This is a recent change. He understands how much work it is looking after them all day. His world was rocked to the core when DD1 was born. Not the same way mine was, but rocked nevertheless.

I don't think I could do it with someone who had never lived full time with their children. I just don't think you would get what was involved. Someone who probably thinks that he needs a rest from his busy week when he gets home at the weekend and doesn't get that that is exactly what you need too would be my guess of what you'd end up with. Which breeds resentment.

Also bear in mind that, unless you are very wealthy or have family nearby, realistically you will have no hobbies. Regular babysitters get expensive fast. And likely on weekends you will actually want to be together as a family.

My exh used to moan about how hard it was...while dropping towels on the floor, plates/cups left out waiting for the waitress at home and several phone calls from his back pocket while he was away as he walked between pubs "networking".

He started mon-fri when eldest was one and I was 5 months pregnant with dd2, we got to child 3 and a divorce as I realised he was already being a disney dad and he had no intention of ever giving up his freedom to do all the boring bits of making a family work.

Much much easier being a single parent. (and I work ft)

It is hard when you want a future with someone who essentially has very different priorities to you. It can only work if you have a partner who will be a "partner" and you can avoid falling into parent/child type imbalances that some adult relationships become.

OP, are you married to him?

QUOTE - crushedpetals- "I am also guessing that decisions should be made as a family about work/life, not one person saying they don't wish to change the circumstances they have got, but do wish a child."

Yes of cause it will be discussed with him. I'm not just going to call it a day. There is alot to this and I was just looking for other peoples opinions / experiences by starting this thread. As with the best will in the world I will not know what it is like till it actually happens and then it may be to late, where as others may have already been in this situation or similar.

Some of my messages seem to have painted my partner in a bad light. He is genuinely a really good guy. But he just doesn't always see the bigger picture. He very much lives for now, where as I would like to know what the future holds.

As for the working away. Yes I appreciate that for some it is hard they work for their families and work for the day they can come back to them. I no doubt think that some days my partner does just wish to be home in his own bed. He works a hard 12 hour day, but then the free meals and a few beverages out with his mates after work no doubt help get him through it!

Maybe one day he will have enough of the travelling and just want to settle at home, but who knows when that will be! His past relationships have broken down due to the travelling and the kids scenerio. Normally as he has stated he doesn't want kids. Which he seems to have flicked this switch over the past few years and kids seem to be something he/we talk of. Just don't think he realises what is fully involved, but don't all men? Or even some women to be fair. It is always going to be more hard work than expected.

Someone asked what we do now of a weekend when he is back. We spend time together. We go out to different places, see different sights. Or just chill in the park in the nice weather it has been off late. I do not do his washing/ironing when he gets back nor slave around after him. He is fully aware that he can look after himself, as much as he grudges it when he has had the hotel staff to do stuff for him all week! We share the cooking or get a takeaway or he takes me out for dinner as he knows my evenings are quite quiet during the week.

In most ways our relationship is good (ok so it is a weekend relationship) but I just wish I could have that same relationship during the week. It all goes back to being alone very quick only after 2 days.

I am just about making it through by myself during the week without him. To then put kids into the equation also not sure i would cope. I do have a good network of my family around me should it happen. But i would rather get everything straightened out and in place and everyone knows what is exepcted of them before it happens. IF it happens.

I long chat is in order i think.

Just don't think he realises what is fully involved, but don't all men? Or even some women to be fair. It is always going to be more hard work than expected.

What worries me about your scenario is that you will find out how much work it is, but if he's away 5 days a week, he never will. So he'll still hold the same opinions he does now.

Honestly, spending a weekend with a baby is nothing like the day-in day-out of looking after them full time. For one thing, he will never have the build up of exhaustion through sleep deprivation you will have, but will no doubt feel just as tired and entitled to weekend rest.

Sorry, he has previously stated he doesn't want kids?????

Um, that appears to be a serious incompatibility with what you want. Even if he is now thinking he MAY want kids, I think you only want that in the 'normal' unit of him being around and coming home from work at 6pm sort of situation.

Which is your prerogative. But I think the two of you want totally different things and lifestyles.

I still see that you cannot resist a dig at him. He works a hard 12-hour day but then free meals and beverages with mates after work help him through it? Jesus. What do you expect him to do, sit in his hotel room after a 12-hour day eating a sandwich he has made for himself and cry into his pillow that he isn't home with you?

You two need to get separate ways. You really do.

My DH is a longhaul commercial pilot. We have 2 DC (6 and 4). He is away between 18 - 20 days a month but on a random pattern. I have no family nearby. I work part time. It works for us, but it's not without it's pressures. The difficult bits are him reintegrating with the family after a period away - for both of us, it normally takes a day, for us to ease into being together again. He also often comes home exhausted as he has flown overnight so we are both tired. Sometimes I feel a bit resentful when he is down route on a day off (and especially when he is positioning somewhere - 10 hours in business class being fed and watching a film with noone needing a thing from you is my idea of heaven!). I also used to travel a lot for my job, but I just can't with him away, 2 small DC and no family close by.
However the good bit is he absolutely loves what he does and has achieved his ambition and we are all super proud of him. He is very happy, and in turn we have a happy family. I would so much rather have a happy father for the kids, who throws himself into family life when he is here, than someone who was around more but a bit bored with his job. I trust him. I take advantage when he's away of doing what I want to do, eat what I want to eat etc, and as we don't spend much money on going out (he's always away) I give myself a break occasionally with pizza out for the kids, or fish and chips. We also have a cleaner once a week. I expect I could manage without one, but I don't want to get resentful of the drudgery. I do also do a couple of trips a year for my job and we are able to work his roster so he can do the childcare then (with the bonus of him getting a flavour of day to day life on your own with kids!!)
Until you have kids it's impossible to say how you will feel. I love my own time with the kids and making plans for adventures for just the three of us. I am really proud of my little family and the way we make it work, but it's definitely a team thing - you do need to be 100% behind each other to make this type of thing work.

My ExP sees his DC about the same amount of time your OP would in this scenario.

He is asking you to effectively be 90% a FT working single parent! No doubt he will have demands on your time during the weekend too - and you will be knackered by the time the weekend comes around - most weekends - at least until the DC are bigger.

I imagine this might work for some families. But there will be challenges that will be continually presented to you.

As you will be working FT and he will be away, that means you will have to attend all the routine stuff of family life - school stuff, doctors & dentist appts, cover all the children's sick days, grocery shopping etc. Its a huge pressure on you - you will need a very flexible and accommodating employer. Preferably one located close to home - so you can get to the DC quickly if they need to go to hospital, are sick in school, have accident etc. Or use all your own holidays up taking the time off to cover.

Is this what YOU want OP?

I do a pared down version of this. DP is only going to be home 5 nights of the next three weeks. He is usually away Monday to Thursday
It is hard but doable. The difference is DP works his socks off to make up for his absence when he is at home. With both me and DD.

It doesn't sound as though your DP would do this though. I think that is an attitude thing that would put me off more than the logistics.

DP also started looking for anew job because he misses DD so much. I don't think he saw that coming! It's quite a nice surprise though

Jessica - Why is it so bad that in his previous younger years he has said he doesn't want kids? I used to say I never wanted kids. Its only in the past year that my thoughts have changed on this. People change as they grow up. yes, you get the people that have always wanted kids but not everyone is like that.

As for the comment in regards to the 12 hour days and the free meals I said. it was meant a bit tongue in cheek. I understand he works hard and he can't be expected to sit in his hotel room and cry.

All i am trying to say is that I find it difficult to deal with now. So maybe I am best to leave rather than discuss my issues with him.