OH working away Mon-Fri - what can the future hold?

[hamburg]

So other OH and I do not as yet have kids. But we are in that stage of the relationship where they are being talking about. But it appears we have very different views on this.

He works Mon-Fri away from home. Normally in another country, this can swap from week to week what country he goes to. its just wherever he gets sent. I sometimes struggle with this, being alone for the majority of the week. But try and keep myself busy, its just the nights in bed alone nobody to cuddle up to that gets me down.

Anyway, dscussion came up about kids. basically he does not see a problem of having kids and him remianing in his job working away mon-fri. His resoning... 'loads of people do it, life doesn't have to change just because you have kids'

Yes, appreciate loads of people do it, people have to pay for family life some how. I agree with life doesn't have to change just because you have kids, but lets face it, it does.

But to me it appears HIS life doesn't have to change because we have kids as he swans off for another week around the world. But mine will be!! Sitting at home with the kids, oh by the way i am still expected to work full time also, while with the kids. Still expected to have a social life AND keep my hobbies up. All while looking after the kids alone for 5 days a week. Not exactly the idea i had in mind while growing up!

As a kid i never saw my dad that much and my relationship with him now shows this. I used to be very clingy to my mum as a kid even when my dad was around. I just never wanted my kids to not have a good relationship with their dad, i wanted someone to be involed with the kids. To look after them as a 50/50 share. Someone to share the sleepless nights with etc. But it appears I am not going to get this.

Not really sure to the point of this post. Maybe just needed to vent abit. So scared of loosing my OH, love him to bits. Just if i struggle to deal with him being away a few days a week how can I be looking after the kids without it rubbing off on them. Plus when he is back at the weekend, I would expect him to spend time with the children. But then where does the time come for him and I to spend time together, can you really fit it all in in just 2 days a week?

As i say so scared of loosing him but do not really see that I have any other option than to either walk away from our relationship or suck it up and get on with it. I do not believe he is ever going to give up on his job. He enjoys the travelling / the freedom and the money it brings.

I know others are / have been in the same situation. Just need to know how others have coped with this. As I most definately am not at the moment. Just want to sit here and cry :(

Sorry, haven't read all the replies (and I usually gnash my teeth when others say that :) )

My DH has worked away most of the time we have been together. When I was pregnant with DC2 it wasn't more than about 10 days at a time but since DC2 was 6 weeks old it's been anything from a few days to 6 weeks (continuous stretches, not home weekends). This has been our life for 9 years, including 2 overseas moves to where we're both expats (DH and I not same nationality).

I've had to deal with isolation, cultural differences, 2 kids and 'life' alone for most of our married life.
DH has just started a job where he won't be away for 30 days or home for more than 26.

It's been tough over the years, brought me to my knees at times but I have to say the big difference between me and you is that I've not worked (apart from casual stuff I enjoy, at my convenience).

This means that I can do all the housework etc at my leisure. To have to work and do housework and childcare would have made my life even tougher.

i.e. if my DC have diarohhea or/and vomiting my CM can't have them back for 48 hours after last vomit. She will often waive this tio 24 hours if she has no other charges - however this can still mean a minim of 2 days off work for me and possibly up to a week.

And then if the next child catches it just as the other is getting better .......................!??

OP, I raised it because I see nothing in any of your posts that really says to me "my other half REALLY wants children". The usual cry on MN is that you should listen to what someone tells you. He has previously said he doesn't want kids. Generally, women change their mind on that subject far more than men do (please note GENERALLY and not MOST or ALL).

He probably knows you want them. He may be saying he wants them now for that reason but knowing full well he will hardly ever have to do anything towards raising them because he won't be there. Someone who really wanted kids would probably say they would happily find another job closer to home so they could play an active part (it is easier to be a 'lone weekday parent' when the kids are at school and he could go back to that sort of job later).

Everything you have told us in all of your posts just says to me you two want different things and you are putting off an inevitable.

For me it was worse than being a single parent. I was a SAHM and I was responsible for the house and DD all year round even when he was home. He would complain about not being included but would never take the imitative and would interrupt and ignore routines.

He expected a cook in the kitchen, a lady in the parlor and a whore in the bedroom. It wasn't until DD came along that I really saw that he had some very entrenched ideas about fatherhood, he became the father he complained bitterly about growing up.

In the end his inability to prioritise DD coupled with increasing resentment meant that my feelings quickly fizzled out.

Listen very carefully to any man who doesn't see his life changing when kids arrive, especially when practically his life wouldn't change.

You will be a single parent but with none of the autonomy.

Could yoy suggest to him that he dedicates one of his weekend days purely to the dc - one to one time for most of the day giving you the opportunity for some.downtime, haircuts, childfree time, meet with friends or housework if you want to.

Then Sundays can be spent as a family.

Even if you dont intend on doing the above, his response to it will be very telling.

But if the OP is working, she will want to spend the weekend with her children, too. And she'll want to spend time with him, presumably, if she doesn't see him all week.

My main worries for you, OP, is that you would be lonely and you would be bored and at times it would be very stressful. If he's determined to continue working away, I think I'd look around for someone whose lifestyle suited you better.

Can you ask him who he thinks is going to do his half of nursery pickup/dropoffs, who will stay at home when the DC are ill, who will go to school plays etc? Because you aren't going to keep a FT job easily for long if you do all of them.

You could do it, but its not going to be easy. And practically you're better off splitting up with him before you have children than after.

I found it shit. Ex was in flag ship hotels with his work colleagues/mates all week. Off out in the evenings with them, eating etc.

He would get home on a Friday evening and want to chill all weekend, tuck into home cooked food etc.

I on the other hand had spent all week with DC and wanted to do something at the weekend.

I couldn't do it and it would be a deal breaker for me.
I live in an area with two large army barracks and I also couldn't be an army wide either. They have my utmost respect and seem to support each other well but again I just couldn't do it.
I think I'm quite an independent person but I guess I'm not really when it comes down to it as I like to generally be living with my partner all the time even if we spend time apart.

You have my sympathy as its a very hard call if you really live him but its your decision to make and make sure you make it on how things really are not in a hope that he will change.

QUOTE - crushedpetals- "I am also guessing that decisions should be made as a family about work/life, not one person saying they don't wish to change the circumstances they have got, but do wish a child."

Yes of cause it will be discussed with him. I'm not just going to call it a day.

Does he actually want kids? Or is it more a case of, 'well, if you really want them, then fine but my life doesn't change.'

If he really doesn't want kids and you're press-hanging him into it. Don't. You'll regret it and will have to have dealings with him for a v long time

I think you need to turn this back on him and ask him how he thinks he will cope with being away all week and then needing to max out on "Daddy Time" whilst trying to get his 50% share of the housework done at weekends ?

If you both work full-time you share the housework 50/50 right ?

I think you will be resentful and he won't get it at all if he doesn't accept that both working full-time means 50/50 housework.