'Giving' baby to granny?

[Bestforbaby]

Bit of backstory: relationship breakdown, subsequent discovery of unplanned pregnancy which I have decided to keep. The father wants to be part of the baby's life when it arrives.

I am in London, and to carry on working in my field I need to stay in London. The father is also in London. I work fulltime, 8-7ish, plus some evenings and weekends. Giving up work/going part-time is not an option for financial reasons. I might be able to work from home a bit, but not sure yet.

I have been looking at London nurseries etc, fulltime care for the baby from about 12 weeks.

My parents live about 2 hours from London, and are retired. My mum offered yesterday to look after the baby fulltime during the week at their home. It is just too far for me to commute daily, I'd never see baby awake, and it would be nearly impossible for the father to have a relationship with the baby. Initially I thought she was mad, as I did not decide to keep the baby to never see it.

But then I thought maybe I am being selfish, and if the baby cannot have me 24/7, maybe it would be best to have my mum, rather than being one of many at a nursery. She was brilliant when I was little, and they have a big garden, parks nearby etc, and, most importantly, time. By being able to stay in a smaller flat and not paying childcare I'd be able to save up enough to do really nice things with the baby when we are together, whereas both living in London we are not going to have much (any) spare cash. Then when the baby is school-age the plan would be to come 'back' to London.

Just wondering if anyone had any experience of a similar situation, or bright ideas? I want to do the best I can for my baby (who doesn't?), and maybe that is not being with me at the moment

I don't see a problem with the arrangement in principle as long as you aren't underestimating the emotional impact this could have on you/your relationship with your DC. How will you feel if your DC tells you they prefer Granny when they get older? If they start to cry and tantrum when you collect them at the weekend etc.

All perfectly normal behaviour but if you already have guilt about leaving them it could make it very tough for you.

FasterStronger - a baby needs at least one secure attachment, and they need the opportunity to form that attachment. A 12 week old in full time nursery with a parent who works long hours including evenings and weekends is going to have very limited opportunity to form that secure attachment to anyone.

There's a big difference between a child who already has secure attachments going to nursery full time and still spending evenings and weekends with the people they are attached to, and a child who has yet to form a secure attachment spending all their waking hours in a nursery. Spending the week with grandparents is definitely preferrable (for the baby) to that.

Attachment problems certainly do not just occur in neglected children and orphans.

How far away to they live? Any chance of you living with them and commuting? You'd still save some money and see more of her.

Good suggestion from bragmatic - some time at a nursery or with a childminder while your baby is living with your mum would probably be a really good thing. Babies are hard work even when you are in your twenties and thirties!

many of women in other cultures do this, MANY

I dont know if this will work for you though. but on a certain level this is happening all over the world, and always has

I do agree with others though that in the long term, you are lucky enough to live in a rich western country, ie you have CHOICES. Our global sisters are not as privileged as us

your planning and practicality is great, but maybe open the door (in the longer term) to a lifestyle with:

less working hours
cheaper rent
flexitime

good luck

Very difficult emotionally, but you have to do what works for you. I would just suggest getting your mum as involved as possible from the very start, so that there is already a bond with her before you start leaving the baby with her. This will make things easier for the baby and consequently for you as well.

A 3 month old baby is very different to a 5 month. Please consider extending your mat leave however you can for as long as you can. Maybe working remotely from your mums towards the end to extend the time a bit? Your mum coming to London for a couple of weeks before the full time arrangement? That will help your attachment/bonding greatly.

lackaDAISYcal the CSA changed that a long time ago. CSA payments are not included anymore and haven't been for some time now

You are going to be a mother and that should be your priority not your career, the best thing you can do for your baby is to go and live with your mother and find another job with shorter hours.

Do you have siblings op?

Just thinking you might be setting a precedent here for your parents!

To answer a few questions:

I am saving as much as possible at the moment.

I will talk to a colleague and see what they think; as I said, I can be more rigorous about contracted hours. I think I have been a bit misleading, for which apologies; 'some evenings' is in practice maybe 4/5 times a month, and this could be delegated. I will really consider the reality of part-timing.

Nursery would be about 8-5, so if we went down this route, I'd finish work early and take the baby home, then aim to do a few more hours whenever possible once the baby is asleep (and yes, I know there is no guarantee it will sleep, but presumably one day it will!).

I have a feeling that this might not work at all for you once you have held that baby in your arms. Before I had ds1 my career came first and I thought it always would. And then, when he was in my arms, I remember crying desolately at the idea of handing him over to nursery staff. I ended up moving jobs to be nearer to the nursery, I had no other option but to continue working as dh and I had a large mortgage but I did end up changing a lot of things for ds1's sake.
A girl I new around the same time had to leave her baby with her dh Mon-Fri while she worked in another city, not commutable. She was very upset one weekend when her baby wouldn't come to her and only wanted his Dad. Again she had no choice but I know she found it hard.

majo00 A 12 week old in full time nursery with a parent who works long hours including evenings and weekends is going to have very limited opportunity to form that secure attachment to anyone.

do you have any research to back this up?
surely this would mean many children don't form attachments with their fathers.

I had a similar situation with my DD, although it was less of a choice due to health reasons as well as work, and I was a LP with no input from the father. She stayed with my parents during the week between the age of 2-4, but I also had a lot of time with her outside of term times due to my work. It's not uncommon in my home country and I know that it happens in a lot of cultures, but I did feel criticised for it and less involved as a parent.

She is 15 now and is doing brilliantly at school and has a great relationship with her GPs, and she never showed any confusion about identifying me as her mother. We are a very close family, with regular contact with GPs, aunts, cousins etc. But I won't pretend it wasn't hard when she was younger, especially when I had to leave her after the weekend and she was old enough to say she wanted to stay .

It also places you in a strange place as a parent, I didn't get to know any other mums when she was a toddler as we never did local playgroups etc, and your experience of being a parent is different. It was especially hard to relate to other single mums who were always talking about never being able to go out or maintenance/contact issues with the dad, which I never dealt with.

It worked fine for DD, but I don't think it's something I'd do if I could avoid it, if only because I just regret the time I missed in her childhood! I don't know if you've fully factored in things like tax credits, maintenance, and looked into the options of moving to a cheaper bit of London?

Pearly, that's too simplistic. If the OP is working/training for a good career, why would it be best in the long run for her to give up her career when it sounds as if it has the potential to be good for everyone in a few years time? Why is giving up that career, ending up maybe getting a p/t job (because jobs are ten are penny at the moment, aren't they, there's such a load to choose from...) that has little potential to progress at all, better in the long-run?

Is there anyone else in the extended family who could help. A younger cousin perhaps who in exchange for a year in London looks after your little one in the daytime. Not quite an au pair, would need to be someone you trust as much as your mum.

Best, the friend I mentioned, initially did bring the baby to the other city and hoped she'd get some work done in the evenings when "baby was asleep" but she found she got nothing done with him there. Also remember that even if baby does sleep there are a lot of extra little jobs that have to be done. If formula feeding, bottles usually have to be washed and sterilised, most nurseries don't do that. If breast feeding, pumps AND bottles to be washed and sterilised. And they create a LOT of laundry.

My friend had to give up that arrangement and leave baby with her dh as his job was finished at 6.00 so his evenings were freer for all the extra jobs.

I'm not trying to put a downer on you, I promise, but if you haven't had a baby, you really have no idea how much work is involved. Ds1 was due in August and I remember telling my then-boss that I planned to sit out the back with the baby while on maternity leave. . He had a one-year-old. How he laughed!

FasterStronger - I would imagine fewer children form secure attachments to fathers who are not around very much than to fathers who are. Babies need the opportunity to form an attachment with someone, it isn't automatic - it comes from having a consistent, emotionally responsive relationship with someone. Babies who don't get that opportunity or have inconsistent relationships often form insecure attachments. So long as there is at least one secure attachment relationship, this compensates for other insecure attachments.

I think it's a good plan. Why give up your career when you will need it later on when your child is in school and not at home all day?

I think that it could be idyllic but you MUST be happy with it for the baby to be happy with it...you should work out and discuss things like discipline techniques and the kind of foods you want the baby to eat before they turn into issues...you will still be the babies parent and should have the main say.

I?ve been here, however my son was 3 when I made the decision for him to spend weekdays with my parents so I could pursue my career. DH was then DP and was trying to get his own foot on the ladder, it was so demoralising.

It worked for us, DS knew Mummy had to work very hard so we could have our own house and knew Nana had worked very hard for lots of years and could afford to stay at home and help us.

If you ask DS about how it works, he would tell you he is very lucky and so many people want to love him and take care of him, he is very close with DSM but he knows I?m his Mummy and I work hard so we can have/do nice things. We are a close family, my DH,DF and DSM all pull together to make sure DS is where he needs to be and is loved and cherished. Work is steadier now and I don?t need to be in the office constantly but he still spends 3 nights mid-week with my parents as he loves it!

I know it?s a different situation as the DC in question will be baby however families for centauries have been relying on extended family to help with child rearing and there is no such thing as too much love is there? Takes a village to raise a child and all that?..

Congratulations on your pregnancy

majo00 - I am asking for scientific research, not your imaginings....

I would do the following:

1. get you mum to have baby say 2 days midweek ( 1 overnight) at yours.
2. Try working from home 1 day ( you work when baby sleeps/ late in eve/ early in morning)
3. find a childminder to have baby the other 2 days

As time goes on you can try adjusting work so you maybe work from home more and only need morning childcare ( then you can work in mornings 8-12, and then when they nap/ sleep at night)

This seems like a good enough explanation of investigation into attachment styles.

www.simplypsychology.org/mary-ainsworth.html

Have you said much about DF and how available he is. Perhaps he can work 4 days and/or ferry baby to and from GPs.
Could you move in with GPs (or is this what you plan?), stay in town during the week, home at GP's at weekends so baby stays in one place?
GPs have probably forgotten how demanding it is but perhaps they are both home and retired so there is two doing the work and not just DGM.
Might DF want to see Baby every other weekend so you see it less?
Lots of possibilities but pinning down DF's wishes is important.

I would look at every possible alternative before making a decision. As others have said you don't actually know how you will feel until your baby is here.

3 months will go past in the blink of an eye and I think you will find it very difficult to leave your baby all week.

Is there any option for commuting at all? What I mean is moving 30 mins away from your parents you commute the rest.

Compressed hours a few single mums do a week in 4 days and one day working at home?

Taking a new lower paid job but closer to your parents for a few years so your paying less in rent and child care.

Also get maintenance payments and access sorted out, so the father doesn't just have the baby if it suits him. He should be contributing to child care.

A couple I know both work compressed hours so their DC are only in child care 3 days a week.

I do think you should keep your options open.