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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

this is it

98 replies

skat73 · 30/07/2013 23:28

Been coming for a while tonight dh told me he doesn't love me anymore and has gonetto his mums. Have two Dc aged 5 and 6 months. Feel sick and numb. What do I do now

OP posts:
skyeskyeskye · 30/07/2013 23:33

Sorry to hear you are in this situation.

Why do say it has been coming for a while? Have you been having problems?

Firstly, look after yourself, get some support from friends and family.

TheSnowFairy · 30/07/2013 23:37

Do you want him back? If so, tell / text him how you feel, what he means to you, etc. Does he think it's over from your pov and is trying to salvage some pride by making the first move?

If you don't want him back, then it's time to think of the practical things.

Good luck x

Original poster
skat73 · 30/07/2013 23:40

We haven't been getting on for a while I just put it down to the stresses of having a baby. The last few months he has been so cold like a different person barely speaking to me and so angry all the time. My instincts told me it was coming , I asked if he would go to counselling he said no. I feel so sad and worried for the children and the future.

OP posts:
Original poster
skat73 · 30/07/2013 23:40

I want the man I married back

OP posts:
TheSnowFairy · 30/07/2013 23:46

Tell him.

Honestly, what have you got to lose?

DH and I have both had periods (over 15 years of marriage) where we really thought it was over. And we told each other how we felt, and realised we both wanted to try again.

First time, I kicked him out and he rang me that evening and said he wanted to come back and that he loved me. He rented somewhere for a month, stayed 2 weeks and came home.

Second time (years later) he sat down one night and told me he didn't love me any more, wanted a divorce and even referred to me as his ex. I texted him that night saying I understood how he felt and would wait for him as we were right together despite all the crap. I said I missed him and listed all the things I loved about him.

The following day he walked in the front door, gave me a hug and said that he knew he wanted to be with me and that he'd been an idiot.

Sometimes it just gets a bit lost, especially with young DC's.

x

bbqsummer · 30/07/2013 23:52

how you doing op? Keep posting here. I'm up for a while for various reasons. When did he actually leave and what did he take with him?

skyeskyeskye · 30/07/2013 23:56

Ok. Hate to say it but somebody will if I don't. Has he been seeing somebody else? Quite often a change in personality is caused by there being somebody else on the scene.

Have you noticed any secrecy lately with phone or emails?

Original poster
skat73 · 31/07/2013 04:35

He could be having an affair I don't know all I know he was pretty final about it. He wasn't even willing to try counselling.

I have told him I love him but he doesn't love me.

He hasn't taken anything and is coming back first thing so dc1 doesn't realise.

I am angry scared and sad. He is trying to make out marriage has broken down to make him feel better that he is leaving.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/07/2013 07:26

There is another woman and he isn't the man you married

I'm am sorry but it really is that stark

Don't beg him. Keep your dignity. You will be glad of that in the future

MadAboutHotChoc · 31/07/2013 07:38

He has checked out because he has someone else Sad

It probably started just before things got difficult - he will have been picking petty fights, be grumpy, distant etc.

The best thing you can do is to pack his things, leave them by the door and only have contact about DC.

No begging please - be dignified x

Lweji · 31/07/2013 07:41

So sorry.

He hasn't taken anything and is coming back first thing so dc1 doesn't realise.
Is he planning on keeping it up?
Make sure he tells the children he's away today.

Do not let him keep the pretense of life as normal at your expense.
If he wants to go, he should go.

Mixxy · 31/07/2013 07:48

And if he wants to go it is his responsibility to tell your older child. I'm really sorry that this has happened. I also think it does sound like an affair.

Original poster
skat73 · 31/07/2013 07:53

He came back this morning told me was definitely leaving. I am now expected to wait until the kids have gone to bed before we talk as he has gone to work

So whilst he goes to work I am expected to put on happy face for kids all day. I told him to start thinking about where he is going to live and start packing his stuff.

OP posts:
Mixxy · 31/07/2013 08:03

Screw that. Let him pack his old bags. If I were you Id use this opportunity 2 perhaps look for evidence of an affair. do you by any chance have access to emails or cell phone? either way I'm very sorry for you. It is still his job to explain it to your eldest child. His decision his responsibility.

AnyFucker · 31/07/2013 08:10

What an utter shit

Original poster
skat73 · 31/07/2013 08:33

Anyfucker i quite agree

I am so emotional I am struggling.

OP posts:
Dahlen · 31/07/2013 08:42

Regardless of whether there is someone else or whether you can get past this, he needs to go today and the DC need to be informed. He needs to know that having set this in motion, he has lost control over events.

All too often in these situation the partner who 'leaves' seems to think they can have their cake and eat it - turning up to see the DC when they feel like it, leaving the majority of their stuff in the marital home, having the privacy and freedom of a space of their own with none of the responsibility (how come they never take the DC? Hmm)

It can come as quite a shock to them to realise that actually no, walking out means you see your DC by prior arrangement only and you take your dirty socks with you and wash them yourself. Amazing how that seems to focus many of their minds.

Most importantly, by being kicked out properly, and coming only by appointment, it gives you the space to think properly, without pressure, to see the situation as it really is and decide how you want to proceed.

Personally, I think it's nearly certain that there is someone else, but even if there isn't and getting back together is the best option for you, that needs to happen because you have chosen that and he has earned it, not because he's suddenly got cold feet and fancies some home comforts.

I'm sorry you're going through this and hope you feel better soon.

Vivacia · 31/07/2013 08:50

I'm so sorry to hear what you're having to cope with. Do you have some local support? Somebody who can have the children for an hour so you can have a good cry/scream/run/whatever you need? Is there somebody you can talk to and get a hug from?

Can you get in touch with him during the day? I think I'd consider asking him to get home, tell the children and then leave.

Vivacia · 31/07/2013 08:51

(I didn't mean summon him home, I meant give him instructions as to what's going to happen when he gets in).

If I was feeling generous I might let him take a tin of beans with him.

Original poster
skat73 · 31/07/2013 08:58

I don't think he will come home his last comment was someone has to pay the mortgage (im on mat leave).

Dahlen I quite agree that he wants his cake and eat it. I told him this morning that he cant just choose when he leaves it is down to me now he will probably go crawling back to his mum's who thinks the sun shines

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 31/07/2013 09:13

Get RL support - close family/friends.

He made the decision to leave and that means the house is not his home anymore - child access/contact to take place away from the home, handovers at the doorstep and his clothes/mancrap at the door ready for him to take away.

Original poster
skat73 · 31/07/2013 09:14

Mad about - How do you do that without upsetting the dc?

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 31/07/2013 09:19

Its more confusing and upsetting if he comes and goes e,g if he does bedtime and then leaves, this can cause a lot of upset and insecurity.

The DC need to be told that he is leaving, that he loves them and will always be their Dad.

MadAboutHotChoc · 31/07/2013 09:22

It is better for him to have the DC n his own as that way they get to develop their own relationship and you get some respite (you will need this as a single parent).

skyeskyeskye · 31/07/2013 09:35

skat - you have had some great advice from people who really do know what they are talking about.

When my XH walked out with no prior warning announcing that he no longer loved me, it was a huge shock. I begged him to come back, to try again. I threw all my dignity out of the window. Don't do that to yourself.

I agree regarding contact. When XH first left, he came round twice a week to have tea and put DD (then 4yo) to bed. It just created confusion and upset for everybody, but I did it because I hoped that we could work things out. But in reality, I sat and cried every time he left, DD woke up in the morning thinking that he was still here. It was awful. Contact needs to be doorstep handovers and he sees them away from the house.

Your H needs to go today, with his belongings. What happens from then on is up to you, but you will be more in control of the situation.

Regarding financial matters - if he has gone, then put the wheels in motion for life as a single parent. Contact the Tax Credit Office - maybe not today as they will be very busy.... but ring them and make a claim as a single person. Contact the Council Tax office and advise them that you are on your own.

Ring the mortgage company, advise them that your husband has left and ask them to put a stop on the mortgage, so that neither of you can use the property as collateral for any loans, without permission of both of you. Also ask if there is any maternity payment breaks that can be taken. He is still responsible for paying the mortgage while his name is on it.

Ask him how he intends to provide for his children and pay the mortgage. If he refuses to discuss it, then ring the CSA.

You will not want to think about any of these things, but you need to protect yourself now.

The others are right when they say that this is not the man you married. Be prepared for him to change into somebody that you dont recognise.