this is it

[skat73]

Been coming for a while tonight dh told me he doesn't love me anymore and has gonetto his mums. Have two Dc aged 5 and 6 months. Feel sick and numb. What do I do now

There are no suggestions of manipulating the children.
It's mostly preserving OP's sanity.

And the children won't appreciate lies and they'll pick up something is up with their parents. Particularly the OP, who will have to pretend all is well, while dying inside.

It's about taking responsibility over his own actions and choices.

Not about playing the children card so he'll be back.

Im just waiting for him to come home from work now. Managed to get DD1 to a couple of play dates and chatted to a friend which helped. I am trying to be so strong but i am dreading tonight and him telling dd1 he is leaving. She is going to be so upset. Cant eat I feel so sick about it all.

Dont worry though im not begging him to come back and im not going to ask why im just going to focus on getting my life back on track now.

Well done, that is a great mindset and I hope it goes as well as it can do this evening x

you are bound to have questions and want to know why, that is only human, but the main thing is to remain in control of the situation from now on. He can choose to leave, you can choose to control what happens from there on. The main thing is not to take any crap from him from now on. For your own sanity, make sure that you do confide in friends and family.

Try and work out some initial access with your H with the DC. Just be firm that it takes place outside of your home, for their sake so that they start to get used to the situation.

and remember, whatever he spouts, this is his decision, this is what he wanted and just remind him of that when things arent to his liking.

keep brave, good luck

Are you both going to sit down and tell your daughter together?

Well he will do it but I am going to be there because I want to know what he says and make sure he doesn't spin it or make her feel guilty.

I think it's a good idea, if at all possible, for you both to be there to explain and answer questions. It must be so difficult though. Stay strong.

I've been close to people whose parents have split when they were children and they ALL say that the very worst thing about it was the big sit down and being told, the shock and pain it caused them .

I don't think it needs to be done like that. And I think it's more about the left person forcing the leaver with what they've done than what is best for the dc.

When my ex left I did not do the sit down and let it just filter down gently. My children were 5 and 2 at the time. I think the forcing it be said to the kids is wrong and unnecessary.

And more for the adults benefit and what they themselves would prefer. Kids don't need it dropped on them like that.

Oh my goodness I dont know what to do its going to come as a total shock to her. This is so hard

Please think about what I wrote. In your heart of hearts what do YOU think is the best way for her to find out? She's young enough that she can gradually absorb it and not have to suddenly have this huge adult thing thrust upon her. I just know it worked well for us but only you know your dd.

sweetheart, she is 5

she will be ok, kids are very adaptable

be as matter of fact as you can, and she will follow your lead

He has gone. I told him he needs to find somewhere to live. He is gone until Saturday I said he can take kids for the day. At the moment we have told dd1 daddy os away on business. Sparklys advice rang a bell with me as this happened to me when I was 8 and I was devastated. Parents got back together in end but I remember it so well so I need some time to think of next steps.

In meantime I am having a beer and watching crap on tv without being criticised. Tomorrow is start of operation sort myself out.

Operation Sort Me Out sounds like a good plan.

You are stronger than you think you are.

I like the sound of you

Him ? Not so much.

Good woman skat. You did very well tonight.

Thanks so much for all your support its helped me get through the day.

well done. When XH first walked out for a few days, I told DD that he was working. She was only 4 and accepted it. When he left again 6 weeks later, and it was more permanent, I told him that he had to tell her that he was leaving. I was in a right state, as it had come out of the blue again, making love to me one day, walking out the next.....

anyway, my point is, that I was very upset, crying, and in no state to see what he was doing. I was in absolute pieces and DD was upset too.

He took DD into another room and told her that he was going to live somewhere else. I have since been told that he told her that I had made him leave.... She tried to pack a little bag and go with him. :(

So you need to be strong and Yes, you need to be there when he does it, so that you can know what has been said. I didn't get that chance and I regret it as he could have said anything to her. It was his decision to go, yet he still had to make it seem to her like it was my fault.

Don't find yourself in that position.

You've done so well. Crap tv and a beer is all good.

As for not being criticised? By him you mean?

Operation Get Skat Sorted sounds a good plan.

You clearly have the strength of mind and spirit to do this.

Well done you.

Oh and yes, your children will actually be fine. They will take their cue from you. And you had the measure of your selfish git of an H a long while ago.

What a tosspot.

In these situations I always think, no matter what's happened, you have had his children and have taken leave from your own work to care for them.

If he's not 'in love' (because of an affair in 99% of cases), can he not at least have enough respect for you to treat you decently, to be honest and kind and not cruel and callous.

You are doing so well OP. Pull in any emotional/practical help around you that you can.

OP you sound brave and wonderful. I agree that when the time comes be very matter of fact.

My dc didn't ask any questions until about 8 months after he left and then we were making cakes and ds asked "does daddy sleep at work now?" I said "no Daddy has a bed somewhere else now but you still see him ever such a lot don't you?" Ds said "yes, can I go and stay there?" I said "of course, we would both love for you to see Daddy's new flat, it's right next to a river and its lovely" and that was that. Other questions have been asked since and I answered them appropriately as they arose. There have been no tears and stress at all. I believe they just gradually absorbed the new situation.

I think sometimes we think that they will react with the shock and anger we feel and are so worried, but I think if you can possibly avoid having that big, sit down the split will have much less impact than you might think on dc.

Woke up feeling clearer but so sad and lonely. I also feel old (just turned 40) and starting again seems a daunting prospect even though im on operation sort me out.