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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

this is it

98 replies

skat73 · 30/07/2013 23:28

Been coming for a while tonight dh told me he doesn't love me anymore and has gonetto his mums. Have two Dc aged 5 and 6 months. Feel sick and numb. What do I do now

OP posts:
Original poster
skat73 · 31/07/2013 10:02

I mean how do you pack his stuff so it doesn't look to dc like you are kicking daddy out when in reality he is choosing to leave

OP posts:
Original poster
skat73 · 31/07/2013 10:10

How do you pack his things without it looking to dc like you are kicking him out?

OP posts:
skyeskyeskye · 31/07/2013 10:15

XH took all his underwear when he left. I packed the rest of his clothes in binbags. He came round a couple days later and collected it. Once I was certain it was completely over, I boxed up all his other belongings and left them on the driveway when he came to see DD

Original poster
skat73 · 31/07/2013 10:17

How do you pack his things without dc thinking you are kicking daddy out? Its summer hols so I am at home with kids currently.

OP posts:
Original poster
skat73 · 31/07/2013 10:22

Sorry I dodnt think phone has posted last messages. Thanks so much for all advice I know I need to start doing things but my brain is like mush and im struggling with keeping smiley face for children.

Im a bit overwhelmed. Im on my own with kids my mum cant come up as dad is ill. My friends are on hols. Hopefully one friend about later

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 31/07/2013 10:23

Do it as discreetly and quickly as you can - bin bags rather than suitcases. Or ask someone to look after the DC for an hour.

MadAboutHotChoc · 31/07/2013 10:24

It is a real bombshell Sad hope your friend can come over soon x

Dahlen · 31/07/2013 10:28

Either make him do it (be out with the DC while he does), or if he's unco-operative and you need to do it yourself, simply tell the DC the truth: Daddy no longer wants to live with mummy and has got somewhere else to live. Mummy is packing up his things for him to collect to take to his new house. Although we are no longer together, none of this is your fault and we both love you very much; that will never change."

Original poster
skat73 · 31/07/2013 10:32

I have sent him a text saying what does he plan to do and he hasnt even bothered to reply

OP posts:
bbqsummer · 31/07/2013 10:35

God I really feel for you. Try to keep eating, small things but regularly if you can.

Also, do have joint bank accounts? Joint savings? You need to check the accounts and make sure any money is still there and then transfer half of anything, if you can, into a single account in your name only. (cynical emoticon)

If you don't have an account in your sole name, set one up. For tax credits and Child Benefit to go into.

You will be ok as tax credits will help keep you going. Call council and tell them you are now single and claim 25% discount.

As for his things, I agree with the others: put stuff into bin bags. You don't have to gut the entire house of the git's possessions....we're talking toothbrushes, clothes, shoes, ties, deodorants, shampoos, that sort of thing.

Is the house in joint names? owned or rented?

Just keep breathing. You WILL come through this, I promise. It seems nightmarish at the moment, but the truth will come out at some point and you will see the man for what he is: a spineless shit.

Keep posting. Flowers

Lweji · 31/07/2013 10:58

I'd probably get ahead and before bedtime I'd tell the children dad had something to tell them.

And if necessary tell them in front of him.

Then he can pack or you pack for him.

And I agree, hand overs at the door.

Can you change the locks today? Just call the locksmith.

schmarn · 31/07/2013 11:16

When a man says he is leaving and that he won't even consider counselling, it is a racing certainty that they have another woman. Otherwise, why wouldn't he try counselling to see if it could be fixed. He knows it can't be fixed because he wants to be with someone else. That's ok (well, it's not ok) but he should at least respect you enough to tell you the truth so you can mentally move on without wondering why or trying in vain to patch things up. He is attempting the guilt free exit and given a chance he'll probably try and make you think that the problem is with you. It is not.

The other clear "tell" is that says he is moving in with his mum. That is a cliched defensive statement designed to make you think that he is not going to shack up with some other woman, so you don't even ask the question of him. It's worked so far.

I would demand the truth from him but that's a personal choice that only you can make.

I would make him pack. Tell him what time he can come and pack, failing which his belongings will be in bin bags outside the front door. If he has anything breakable, make sure you put the bin bags outside via an upstairs window.

He also needs to explain to your children why he is leaving. Don't worry too much at this stage about who they think is responsible for it. As they get older, they will know the truth and resent him. Try not to fall into the trap of arguing your case through them. It is always better if the two of you reach a stage where you can communicate constructively rather than decide everything through the courts. Of course if he tries to play tough with you over maintenance and access, you absolutely should pursue your full rights under law. For now, see a lawyer and get some advice.

Original poster
skat73 · 31/07/2013 11:17

We have a joint mortgage. To be honest im struggling to do anything today. Im really taking on board all ypur comments and hope I feel stronger tomorrow. He has just text to say that he wants to come and read dd1 a story every night. Im told him he is being completely unrealistic.

OP posts:
Lweji · 31/07/2013 11:23

So he wants to go and play dad with no responsibility and work involved.

Make it clear that access is away from your home.

GetStuffezd · 31/07/2013 11:24

So he's abandoned you and your child but wants to waltz back in every evening to be Superdad, then waltz out leaving you to pick up the pieces? Bastard.
I can't imagine how you must be feeling, I am so sorry. Can I ask how you had an inkling this was coming?

givvusaclue · 31/07/2013 11:30

He hasnt abandoned the child he's left the partner he doesnt love anymore. This would be the exact advice given by most on here if the roles were reversed.

I feel for you OP, I hope time will make things better but ignore the usual Mumsnet witch hunt and concentrate on getting your life together. I'm sure you won't but dont use your child as a way of punishing your ex.

Mosman · 31/07/2013 11:49

Put his stuff in bin bags on the doorstep, ask for your keys back and then sit back and watch.
The best way to get somebody's attention is to stop giving them yours.
Just take the time to figure out what you actually want.
The first week of sleeping alone is awful, the second not so bad. By week three he'll have to be on his knees with a rose between his teeth and the winning lottery ticket peeking out of his jocks for you to want him back.
Trust me, been there got the tshirt.

MadAboutHotChoc · 31/07/2013 11:50

I am sure OP won't use her DC to get back at him.

Its about putting their needs first and ensuring they are not left confused and unsettled. They need to know what is happening - that he is still their father but does not live them and will have access to them.

Original poster
skat73 · 31/07/2013 12:00

I would never use my dc to get at him he is a good dad
However I do feel he wants to be dad without any work or responsibility.

OP posts:
Sparklysilversequins · 31/07/2013 12:11

That wanting to read stories every night? That'll soon wear off believe me, he's feeling guilty just now and that will wear off too. Now is the time to go cold even if you don't feel that way inside. You now a work colleague in the business of bringing up dc. Treat him how you would any other colleague, show how things are actually going to be not how he thinks he can have them.

MadAboutHotChoc · 31/07/2013 12:14

Yes, having proper access (i.e away from the home and on his door step) will ensure he has some of the responsibility involved with DC. Reading bedtime stories is not responsibility or real work - he does not get to pick and choose the best aspects of parenting, leaving all the shit work to OP.

skyeskyeskye · 31/07/2013 12:21

as I said upthread, when XH was putting DD to bed a couple nights a week, she was very unsettled. she wouldn't go to sleep because he was here, then in the morning, she would come running into my room saying, is daddy still here, then being upset when he wasn't, which then upset me again.

it's not a question of using the DC to hurt him, it's a question of them being able to adjust to the new situation, which is - daddy doesn't live here any more - the only way they will understand that is if he stays away from the house.

My XH was exactly the same, oh I will see DD as often as you will let me, I understand I can't see her every night, but I would like to , blah blah blah. Twelve months later, he sees her every other weekend and not in between, at his own choice, because he is too busy......

For the moment, you need to put you and your DC first. Your H has rocked your and their entire world for his own selfish purposes. His feelings and what he wants, don't come into it for the moment.

Vivacia · 31/07/2013 13:50

Try not to ask him what he wants, what he's doing etc. I know you need to know, but he needs to know that you get to call some of the shots too. Remember, he has a head start, he's known for sometime that you're splitting up. You're only just starting to take it on board.

AnyFucker · 31/07/2013 14:18

Great advice from Skye and other usual suspects

Listen hard, love

I am sorry, you have to be very strong now

No amount of trying to win him back will be successful. Not too long from now you realise you don't want soiled goods anyway...he is treating you horribly, but worse of all he thinks he can treat you like a fool

Not.Going.To.Happen if MN has anything to do with it.

TheSnowFairy · 31/07/2013 15:47

Sorry this hasn't worked out for you, I was hopeful when I went to bed last night.

Let us know how you get on.