this is it

[skat73]

Been coming for a while tonight dh told me he doesn't love me anymore and has gonetto his mums. Have two Dc aged 5 and 6 months. Feel sick and numb. What do I do now

Woke up feeling clearer but so sad and lonely. I also feel old (just turned 40) and starting again seems a daunting prospect even though im on operation sort me out.

I know the feeling - as part of the operation, I would book a haircut, treat yourself to beauty treatments and build in nice things such as coffees with friends, day trips etc. These will boost your self esteem and take your mind off things a bit.

skat - my XH walked out just before my 40th birthday. I felt the same, very daunting to have to start again at the age when you think that your life is settled. But I have survived over 12 months on my own so far :) and I never thought that I would. Life is better in some ways and worse in others, but you take the good with the bad and you create yourself a new life. Old friends will help, you will also make new ones and you will find out who your true friends are now too.

I was 38 when we split up properly. I've had a couple of boyfriends but nothing serious. I prefer being on my own and this is from someone who was constantly in various relationships from the age of 15 onwards.

Hi there. I too have gone through similar this week. My long term partner of 11 years and father of my children left on Saturday. Im not brave enough to write my story yet but i just wabted to say you are not alone. Lean on friends and family, enjoy time with your children, put on a brave face and tell him you agree with the split and that you welcome the time on your own. Dont show desperation, as it pushes men further away. Be strong, show him you are strong and getting on with your life. If you want a reconciliation, wait till you are that confident shiny person again. You might by then not want him back but at least it is on your terms. I am on a down day today but im being kind to myself. Meeting a friend tonight whilst DP has the children at his place. Pm me if you want. Take care.

Its so nice to hear from people of a similar age who are ok. All my local friends are all happily married and whilst they have been fab I wish I knew someone in RL who was in the same boat. Today I have been ok , my mum came up so we took the girls on a lovely picnic. Tonight im going to start looking at paperwork etc

Skye good going on your first year

Sparkly you sound so strong , I've never lived on my own so daunted by it all.

Mips im so sorry this has happened to you too. You sound amazingly strong im in awe really

Ok im angry now..I can't believe that he has left his 2 beautiful dc and the impact it will have on them. He is a spineless twunt.

Anger is good! Natural progression of this crap situation. He is a shit person. He has checked out of a marriage with two small children and can't even be decent enough to be up front and tell you the truth about why. The thing is if there IS someone else, by not telling you he is still thinking only of himself and protecting his own image, not giving a hoot that you NEED and are entitled to this information so that you can move forward accordingly.

Has your eldest noticed anything yet?

I think my strength is the benefit of hindsight to be honest. Believe me, I did my share of crying and begging at the time. I did NOT keep my dignity on many occasions. But for some reason I knew that we shouldn't do the sit down convo with the dc and that became my main focus, protecting the kids from that.

Personally I would now try to keep any interactions re dc to email or text now and iron out a plan of action that suits YOU. Personally I would be speaking to solicitors now and letting him know that. Take control of the situation.

I think my eldest is starting to suss something is not right. I am just so angry that when it got slightly tough he gave up. Whether there is someone else I dont kknow however in some ways its not important as he has gone anyway.

I think whats making me angry is that when he has the girls for a night weekend etc it will be like a holiday. He wont actually be doing all the washing ironing etc etc and he will just be super dad. Plus he has left me in house that he did absolutely no work on (lazy git) and I will have to sort it out on no money. I left a well paid job two years ago and took a low paid part time role so I can be with kids more because I thought I had tge support of my husband. I just feel like I have been completely f**d over. God im angry today

Hi. You are doing so well. Be strong. Although tasks like paperwork seem to be daunting it will help you gain control and stop you feeling like a passenger in your own life.

skat - when he has DD overnight, get him to keep the dirty clothes, wash them and return them next time. Be prepared that his days with them will involve softplay and McDonalds. Most dads dont seem to have a clue what to do with their DC when they have them!

I went self employed with the support of my XH, to work around preschool hours. When he left 12 months later I felt the same as you, that I had left a really well paid job, holiday pay, sick pay etc to be self employed. But it has worked out OK in the long run.

Take some time to sort things out, but you may be able to return to the work that you were in, depending on childcare costs etc. You may be better off working part time, with tax credits etc

Skye are situation s sound very similar. Does it really get better? Even though I need a break I am dreading him taking the dc away for a weekend etc.

skat - I don't want to lie to you, I found it very difficult and still do at times. BUT - I thought that I would never get through 1 week, 1 month, 1 year, yet I did and I am still here and I am happy most of the time.

I hate it when DD is with him for the weekend, but try and busy myself work and friends.

My XH walked out one night with no warning, just announced that he didnt love me and didnt want to be here any more. I later discovered that he was texting OW thousands of times a month.

The way that their behaviour changes towards their wife is totally astounding. The loving kind man that I knew, simply disappeared and changed into somebody that I did not recognise or even like.

Hold onto that anger, it will help to keep you strong and work out what you want out of life. From now on, it has to be what you want, not what he wants.

Make sure you apply for Council Tax rebate as you are the only adult in house!
Make sure you apply for all the benefits you might be eligible for, you are still working but you will be eligible for some of them.
It will take some of the pressure off if you have a little more money coming in.
I am just over a year down the line with husband walking out, its tough going sometimes-Im not going to lie!!-but on the whole Im a lot better off in every aspect just me & the kids to think about doing what we want when we want, without having to factor their dad in or discuss finances-I alone decide whether I can afford it or not! Hes still a good dad to them though I have no complaints there really!!
You seem to be doing really well, keep it up!!

God im tired I mean our situation of course

Try not to go over and over the relationship and what went wrong and what you could have done differently etc.

The very strong likelihood is that another woman will suddenly and miraculously appear on the scene.

He may say they weren't seeing each other before you split up.

But any agonising over 'what went wrong' is truly time wasted. All relationships have problems and nobody is faultless but I'd bet a lot of money that you've done nothing 'wrong'.

Skat another one here who's H walked out. I was mid-forties and we had a baby. No further contact from the twunt as he moved abroad to meet up with OW. Washed his hands of us completely. Doesn't pay a penny towards his son and left me in masses of debt, jobless etc.

Like Sky I thought I'd never, ever recover. Had no warning he was off. It was a nightmare. Knew nothing about tax credits blah blah. MN helped me enormously with practical and emotional advice.

The best three things people repeated to me were:

1. Baby steps - just get through the next minute, the next hour and the day at first. Slowly baby steps get bigger.
2. The love you feel for him will fade/die and the pain get less and less - love is like a plant, it needs nurturing and 'watering' and without being loved back, it withers.
3. Karma. he will get his just desserts but by then you will be over him.

Keep doing what you are doing. Yes, anger is good and will come and go. get practical (you are it sounds) and get yourself a solicitor. File for divorce. Register with CSA. It's a thousand phone calls a day to start with!!

Living alone is great now. We do what we like and I love being a mother. My son is smashing and well-loved. I worked hard to make friends locally and have never pressured myself into thinking I had to get back into my well-paid job. We just enjoy life! My cooking is no longer criticised either. haha

Hi there
Just come on to say that I'm so sorry this has happened to you.
Same happened to me when I was 40.
Nearly 45 and loving life. Single with a FB is the way to go!
It will take time and you will go through all sorts of emotions.
You've had some great advice and you sound very strong and in control.
Keep it going. It will get better but give yourself time and take care of yourself too.

bbqsummer , some great points there. Very much baby steps, take one hour at a time, one day at a time, until before you know it, you are used to your new life and new routine.

I have lost all love and respect for my XH now. I wouldn't on him if he were on fire, after the way he treated me. I wrote him a lovely letter telling him how wonderful he was etc etc and he wrote a nasty one back, detailing all my many many faults and why he simply had to leave.

Since leaving, every excuse he came up with, has been proven to be a lie. I no longer feel bad about myself as I can see that it is him not me. Obviously I am not perfect, but I am loyal, faithful, honest, and a whole load of other things that my XH isn't!

Once I had that letter, I realised that whatever happened, even if he came back, that I would no longer trust him, that I would always live in fear of him going again, that he had betrayed me with OW.

So I took control. I filed the divorce petition, he had my solicitors letter on his birthday, informing him I was filing for Unreasonable Behaviour. I took back the control.

My XH is now up to his eyes in debt, in rented accommodation, OW is still with her H. They continue their little fantasy affair. Meanwhile, I have remortgaged to be able to stay here, built up my business, created a nice life for me and DD.

If it helps, here's another one who kicked her husband just before her 40th.
It's a better life without him, and I am happy by myself with DS.

Thanks for some positive stories it gives me hope. Tosspot is takkng the dc out tomorrow so I have booked manicure really tired its been such a long week.

He also found somewhere to live and moves in Tues. Im gutted that he is moving on so quickly but I guess it means I can start to move forward.

skat73
I'm another one who got the "I don't love you anymore" speech from my husband. He told me in October last year but didn't leave until February when I finally cracked and couldn't stand living with the cold, heartless man he had become.

He didn't have an OW ( as far as I know ) and is living with his mammy. He turns 50 next month.

Thank god for mn ladies who made me see that he wasnt such a 'D' H after all and I just wish I'd had the courage to get him to leave as soon as he had given his speech. It would've saved me much heartache.

I am 5 months further on than you and I can tell you that you will survive. I was in bits for weeks but found that focusing on me and my DC rather than trying to work out what he was thinking etc..etc..saved my sanity

He still hasn't told me what happened and I'm not asking. I got some counselling, talked to friends, and took every day as it came.

I haven't reached the stage of embracing my singleness and the thought of my new future still terrifies me but each day I get a little happier .

There are lots of divorced women in the world and I don't see any of them running about crying and weeping...that will be you...I promise... x

Goodenufmum - thanks for your post it amazes me hpw cold and heartless they become. They turn into a person you dont recognise

Im definitely taking it day by day