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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

does it matter if i class him as abusive or not?

52 replies

cahemo · 28/07/2013 16:20

That's it really. My dh fits some of the criteria.

But I've spent ages trying to discover if he is and just had an epiphany - I'm still unhappy whether he is or not.

Apart from physical safety-I'm aware the bastards can get nasty if they're abusive, does it matter? Isn't being desperately unhappy enough a reason to leave?

Or does an abusive man react differently to the news you're leaving them than a normal non-abusive guy?

OP posts:
ParsleyTheLioness · 28/07/2013 16:24

Being unhappy is good enough reason to believe. I think abusive men can react differently to being left. Do you think you might be in any danger? If so, needs to be planned carefully.

ParsleyTheLioness · 28/07/2013 16:24

Good enough reason to leave a relationship, that should have read.

Original poster
cahemo · 28/07/2013 16:27

I never used to be frightened of him, I've been depressed for six months and unable to work (no dc's), he's always been picky and domineering and I think that has contributed to my depression-simply put I don't feel I can do anything.

We had a major row yesterday-called disgusting names, pushed, threatened to call my family and tell them how **ing useless I am.

I seriously want to work but it's as if he doesn't get that and just thinks I am lazy.

Apparently his behaviour is my fault.

I'm so unhappy.

OP posts:
ParsleyTheLioness · 28/07/2013 16:29

My depression became much better when I left my abusive XH. Are you planning on leaving the home, or getting him to leave, or just thinking of a plan?

2andout · 28/07/2013 16:30

LTB. Good luck xx

ParsleyTheLioness · 28/07/2013 16:30

Pushing is violence. Any exit needs to be planned IMO.

ImNotBloody14 · 28/07/2013 16:32

Wanting to leave is all the reason you need to leave- you dont have to prove he's a bad'un to anyone.

Original poster
cahemo · 28/07/2013 16:32

Thinking of a plan. I've seen more clearly today than a long time. I thought I could just tell him and he'd let me plan and go but now he is exhibiting the red flags and I'm scared.

OP posts:
ParsleyTheLioness · 28/07/2013 16:35

Ok. Can you leave whilst he is out or at work? Is there someone who will help you? The priority is keeping yourself safe, and this may well mean telling him it's over after you have gone safely.

Original poster
cahemo · 28/07/2013 16:37

I know this sounds stupid, but I've been chucking a lot of my stuff out today and going through possessions, my mum is willing for me to stay there a while, as is another family member, it just feels all overwhelming. I'm lucky I don't have dc's to think of, I know that

OP posts:
Original poster
cahemo · 28/07/2013 16:38

Trouble is, I genuinely don't feel as if I'll be able to do anything. He tells me I'm useless a lot. Even before I went sick, he was picky -in a 'nice' only-trying-to-help kind of way IYSWIM

I get fearful now just going on a bus/taxi

OP posts:
ParsleyTheLioness · 28/07/2013 16:39

Ok. You just need to keep it together a short while longer, then you can be free. Are you able to get your stuff together, or at least the important stuff, and get out at a safe time?

Original poster
cahemo · 28/07/2013 16:41

I know my mum would collect me. I really hate him now. I think of all the things he has done: texting other women-when I got upset about this, I was being unreasonable as he'd never actually cheat.

He downplays his wrongs all the time; he is never really sorry for anything he has done.

OP posts:
ParsleyTheLioness · 28/07/2013 16:43

So you need to leave him. Soon as possible. Can you safely do it today?

Original poster
cahemo · 28/07/2013 16:44

He insists on contacting me several times a day when he is at work. Today it's been: what are YOU going to do to change -his words.

After yesterday, no apology, nothing, he admits he went 'over the top' but that is it.

OP posts:
Original poster
cahemo · 28/07/2013 16:45

I've got to get out asap. Do I tell him or just go?

OP posts:
Original poster
cahemo · 28/07/2013 16:45

Must go now. He's back shortly. Any replies appreciated. Will read later. Ta x

OP posts:
Lweji · 28/07/2013 16:48

How did he push you? What happened?

Pushing is physical violence, so I don't think you are safe, no.

Could you go to your mum's "just for a few days"? And see how it feels? Keep no contact. Turn your phone down.

You may find that those symptoms start lifting.

Lweji · 28/07/2013 16:49

Oh, and if you know you must leave, then just go.

ParsleyTheLioness · 28/07/2013 16:49

I would go, and tell him later. You don't owe him any more than that and telling him before leaves you in a potentially vulnerable position. Is he contacting you by landline or text? If by text/mobile, then you could be anywhere when he contacts you and can play along until you get out.

tribpot · 28/07/2013 17:00

You just go. Call your mum, ask her to come and get you. Pack your stuff and get out.

He will then throw back at you the fact you left without 'allowing' him to defend himself but it is your choice and you will feel infinitely stronger if you deal with him from a separate residence.

scarletforya · 28/07/2013 17:04

Just go OP. You don't need anyone elses permission. You don't need him to agree. It doesn't matter what he says. He is full of shit.

He pushed you and has worn down your self-esteem with emotional and psychological ABUSE.

You follow your instincts and go. Stop listening to his critical voice in your head. It's very unhealthy. You are a good person and he has no right to intimudate you and take away your freedom. You put one foot in front of the other and walk away.

You owe him no explanation. It's not your responsibility to fix him or make him see. You are free to walk, he can't do anything to stop you. Don't listen to him.

scarletforya · 28/07/2013 17:04

*intimidate

garlicagain · 28/07/2013 18:27

I'm not always keen to label people, but would say it's important to label abusive behaviour. This is because arsey behaviour looks the same; it's only when a pattern emerges - and its effects on other people, like you - that you can say "This is not a temporary cock-up, or a habit than can be fixed; it's a manner of being." Once you've accepted that, you're relieved of your sense of duty towards mending the relationship or blaming yourself.

Another way of looking at it would be in terms of compatibility. A very arsey person might, possibly, be able to find a partner whose own character is such that they enjoy it or accept it. But when you are the partner and your relationship makes you unhappy, you're incompatible. As sad as it can be, it's very simple really.

Since you have observed abusive patterns in his behaviour, it's safe to say it is his manner of being - and that breaking up normally might be dangerous. Your plan sounds a very good idea! If you can't currently "take charge" of your breakaway, ask a person you trust to do it with you.
Well done on realising how things are. It can be hard, I know.

Original poster
cahemo · 29/07/2013 12:25

I had a talk with him last night. My not earning money has made him like this, apparently, and I've brought it all on myself.

I feel guilty about not bringing in money; but I'm being 'pathetic' and should feel ashamed.

I just don't know what to do. Is it all my fault. How would a normal guy react? Please help

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