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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Waves is determined to keep winning now that Acrobat has arrived.

988 replies

wavesandsmiles · 28/07/2013 12:21

So, Acrobat did actually arrive (only just) on the last thread. And he is here and lovely!

Links to previous threads:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1670597-So-DH-said

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1745551-DH-said-DH-left-waves-is-still-being-sick-but-into-the-third-timester

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1801734-Waves-is-winning-Here-comes-the-Acrobat

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 11/09/2013 11:02

Waves, good work on reading the book, please keep going with it. It's hard seeing the bare and true you in the mirror that is this book - but you must believe it.

Now go back to the point where you're believing that "you're never good enough" - and forget that.
YOU are good enough - it's the people that you are trying to impress who aren't. They are emotional leeches and vampires. They get off on your misery and pain, and will suck all the life out of you while you try and try and try and TRY to make them happy. They are happy, but only while you are miserable. As soon as you become happy, they will suck that out of you.

You HAVE to either sign up to the Freedom course, or do some personal counselling to realise that intrinsically YOU ARE FINE. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH. You are just picking the wrong people to be with - and they are BAD FOR YOU.

MissStrawberry · 11/09/2013 11:47

Forgive me if this makes no sense, have DS2 off school and had to have our pet pout to sleep early this morning unexpectedly so a bit emotional. but I really wanted to offer support.

What you said really resonated with me. I never felt good enough. My father left my mother when she got pregnant and she abandoned me when her new boyfriend couldn't be arsed with a baby. I realise now after many many years that it is them that aren't good enough. It is your mother who isn't good enough to call herself your mother. YOU are more than good enough.

I had a few boyfriends who didn't treat me so good. I stayed as didn't want to be alone. A shit one was better than no one. Then DH came along and he is nothing like they were and I realise how good it can be when you are with a decent, kind, supportive partner. twunt isn't even one of those things.

Your DD may be playing up but you still need to implement boundaries and consequences.

You can do this. You are doing this. Do not give twunt or your mother any more chances. They have had far more than they deserve.

Concentrate on resting, the children, preparing for your interviews and getting the legalities sorted.

You are not weak for wanting it all to work out with him but if you go back you are willingly going back into an abusive situation and you know that is not what you should do, what you want for yourself or for your children.

Ask for any help you need on her. There will always be someone to support you.

wavesandsmiles · 11/09/2013 12:00

Thank you all. C slept better and I feel nervous but excited about the interview. He has been weighed by the health visitor and continues to follow the 25th centile so a healthy 10lb 2 today. Interview is in 30 minutes so setting off in a few moments for that....

OP posts:
totallydone · 11/09/2013 12:37

good luck with the interview.

MissStrawberry · 11/09/2013 12:40

Good luck.

captainmummy · 11/09/2013 14:03

Hope the intervierw went well Waves.

And don't forget - twunt might be nice, and want you when you are well - but your vows were 'in sickness and health' and that applies to him as well. If he was sick you'd look after him - he didn't want to know you when you were so ill; in fact he made your sickness worse.

Orianne · 11/09/2013 14:49

Good luck Waves. Sending you a hug (I don't care if we're not meant to do that) and some positive energy.

pinkbraces · 11/09/2013 14:53

Occasional poster here - Waves you are doing so well, every time I catch up with your thread I am in awe at what a strong, positive person you are. Please remember how bad he was for you and to you - you dont need or want that kind of person in your life. Your beautiful DC dont need him either.

Good luck with the interview - whoever you choose to work with, will be very luck to get you.

Sending good vibes through cyberspace.

SuffragetteCity · 11/09/2013 15:13

Waves, just want to say that you are a vibrant, creative, intelligent and beautiful woman. I know that as someone with low self-esteem myself, it is hard to keep our own worth in perspective. You are a treasure in your own right, and you will find someone worthy of cherishing you. Please be kind to yourself and don't put yourself in for more of twunt's abuse, you are so lovely and deserve so much better.

I hope the interview went well!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 11/09/2013 15:51

So how did the interview go, hope you found it all right.

Sorry DD has been playing up. Anything specific or primary school age stroppiness?

wavesandsmiles · 11/09/2013 19:24

The interview did go well, and I should have news by Friday. I declined the other offer and they now want a follow up call to discuss how they may be able to "meet my expectations". Interesting times.

Focus is on redecorating the house for the next few weeks, before that kicks off I am hosting DD's fancy dress birthday party so am baking cakes for that tomorrow and Friday. And have just been asked to perform a concerto on Monday night (the one I was asked to do the week before Caspian arrived) so I may well do that. DD has just been asked to join a choir, the one I was head chorister of years ago, so I am half contemplating joining, maybe just on initially the basis that I'd sing just when they need support as opposed to making a weekly commitment.

Tonight I am going to continue with the book, much as it is difficult to read, then ask my psychotherapist if I can work on specific issues with him when I see him next.

All I need to do is packed lunches and I am set in terms of DS1 and DD for tomorrow. So at least that is a little less in terms of things to "do". Just reading, my regular expressing session, and hopefully a soak in the bath.

I hope my children grow into adults with less issues than the ones I so evidently continue to carry. If I can give them anything at all, that's all I'd like to give.

OP posts:
AgathaF · 11/09/2013 20:05

Your children will be lovely balanced adults because that's how you have bought them up. They have had your good influence and parenting in their lives.

Another reason to stay away from twunt though - your kids.

pointythings · 11/09/2013 22:03

waves you are getting professional help and you are facing your emotional fragilities head on. What more can you possibly ask of yourself?

I have never dated a really shit man, but I have plenty of friends who have, and the sense I get is that quitting rubbish men is as hard as quitting major drug addiction. Don't feel bad about finding it hard, or needing help, feel proud that you are doing it and seeking help.

Perhaps you should live alone with your DCs for a while. This is what helped my cousin, who had a bad man habit (and yes, has a narcissist for a mother). Proving to herself that she could live alone and make a life for herself freed her in a way - and all unexpected she met a guy who was completely different to anyone she had ever met (to the point where she didn't consider him partner material). They are amazing together. This can be you, I know it.

And you are clearly a fab mum if your DD is following in your musical footsteps and Caspian is thriving so well.

Xales · 11/09/2013 22:05

You are doing a good job with your kids. From what you have said about your mother they are leaps and bounds away from what you grew up with!

Thumbwitch · 12/09/2013 05:57

I agree with pointythings - do it by yourself for a while. I know it's harder in some ways but at least you don't have the emotional push and shove of an unequal relationship, or have to worry about walking on eggshells in case he kicks off, or worry about whether or not you're "good enough" (YOU ARE!!) - your DC will love you and will learn that you are a strong woman who Is Not To Be Messed With.

Hope your psychotherapist helps you to build on stuff you're learning from the book.

auntpetunia · 12/09/2013 06:43

Way back on one of your earlier threads when Twunt actually left, you described your DCs as being "the happiest they had been for a long time" and in the same post you said "DD said "no more husband's mummy …just us"

That is all you need! You and them give yourselves time, you need to adjust now you're well to being a family of 4, have you thought that DD may be acting
up because Twunt is back so much in your lives?

You can do anything you want

springydafty · 12/09/2013 09:07

I just want him to love me, to be enough that he loves me like at the start, I feel so flipping awful. I want a hug. I want to be enough for someone, I am tired of never ever being enough . And when my dad died I kept wanting him back to give me a hug and it wasn't because he always gave me hugs but because he never did and obviously mum didn't either. And I am so gutted. I try so hard to be good enough and I never even am . Even when I was in labour in the delivery room I felt I had to prove I was good enough to twunt. Like I was doing a test .

Darling, this is unbearably painful because it is at the root of why you have continued to chase unavailable, abusive men. It is very sad to read - a little girl, desperate for love. She hasn't gone away! There are many of us women who have that little girl inside us, desperate to be loved as she should be; being 'good' so we are 'good enough' to be loved. Can you see that that's all wrong? That little girl deserved to be loved for who she was, not for what she did; that because she was repeatedly abandoned and neglected she thought it was because she wasn't good enough, and tried hard to be good enough so she could be loved. That's all wrong!

Time to love her, be the parent she never had, lavish her with the love she always deserved but never got. Now you can give it to her. She is 'good enough' just because of who she is, not because of what she does. You say 'I never even am good enough' - but that is the wrong way around. You think you are not good enough because what you do doesn't get you the love you crave (because you never had it Sad ). But it isn't you who is not good enough, it's the people you are looking to to love you. You're choosing your parents over and over again, who will never love you because they are fundamentally flawed - not because you are! It is not you who is flawed, it is them.

auntpetunia · 12/09/2013 12:13

^^Just this... All of it.

But you are enough for your kids and they love you no matter what .

wavesandsmiles · 12/09/2013 13:20

I am so very definitely taking the book and my new thoughts on all of this to my next appointment on 25 September. Reflecting on things, relationship wise I have been pressing the repeat button all my life. Although I genuinely believed twunt was different, I really did. I'm feeling a little bit sad for the little girl inside me, who is very much still there and still wants to be loved, to be good enough to merit that love. And it seems crazy that she is in there, yet I can be this professional high achiever, a performer, a good mum, and completely grown up and responsible. Makes me feel something of a fraud .

I don't want a happy ever after with someone nice. By which I mean I don't believe in myself, my worth, enough to trust that niceness. It is not a real emotion to me if you understand? I don't actually want a happy ever after with anyone other than my lovely DCs. I am enough for them. And I don't "need" twunt in terms of practicalities or anything, I have proven myself so much this year. It's just I did marry him, I have his child dozing over my shoulder right now, and I think I love him still. But for now I am going to shelve all those thoughts and make my practical and emotional focus my children and sorting out my feelings and behaviours/thoughts. Well, I will try anyway.

(I am trying to convince myself here I fear, rather than any of you)

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 12/09/2013 13:36

Waves, iirc you did also marry the father of DS1 and DD, didn't you? And yet you're not with him despite having his DC. He was a mistake; the Twunt is another mistake - but these mistakes only become apparent with experience and hindsight.

What you need to learn is how to spot the mistakes before you marry them. Wink

You "don't want a happy ever after with someone nice" - take that thought to your psych as well, discuss it and work out why ever not? Because you don't think you're worthy? Is that all? Or do you not think that nice blokes are what excites you? You wouldn't be the first woman to like that edge of badness/danger that the bastards you have ended up with have.

Thing is though - that edge, that badness, that's not good for children to grow up around.

As for loving Twunt - that's the "addiction" talking. Remember (again) that if he'd had his way, you wouldn't have Caspian at all. That, if nothing else, should make you realise that he is not worthy of your love and certainly doesn't deserve to have anything to do with Caspian.

springydafty · 12/09/2013 14:21

Plenty of us women have that little girl inside us. Those of us from toxic homes, anyway. who didn't receive the 'real stuff' because our parents were incapable of loving us, because of eg personality disorders, MH, addictions etc. (Personally, I believe my parents have loved me in a way but they were too damaged to pull out the real stuff. They very probably have a little girl and a little boy inside of both of them, craving the love they never got, and couldn't therefore give to me. And they're in their 80s and have lived outwardly successful lives, brought up a family, organised this and that... You can do all that stuff but still be emotionally starved.)

Hence parenting ourselves! We can do it, we've proved that with our own kids. How do we feel right now? In this supermarket, in this conversation, in this relationship? Do we feel safe or are we frightened? Are we being taken care of, our needs respected, our self respected and cherished? If not, we can do it for ourselves, look after ourselves. (No-one can cherish us quite the way we can, because we know ourselves and the situation - and are, crucially, perpetually on hand.)

MissStrawberry · 12/09/2013 14:32

Snap
Snap
Snap

It is only now I realise I am worth a lovely DH and a lovely life. I have moments of thinking he will leave me for someone better but that is due to other problems.

If I can come out the other side you most definitely can.

You have all us cheering you on.

I don't buy random baby stuff for just anyone Wink

BerylStreep · 12/09/2013 17:28

I'm not remotely religious (trust me!) but the phrase 'pearls before swine' comes to mind. Your love and devotion is a precious, precious thing that the right person should feel deeply honoured to be the recipient of. Not squandered on people who aren't worthy of you.

Hope you get good news tomorrow.

wavesandsmiles · 12/09/2013 17:49

I just heard I'm the preferred candidate and potentially they are able to let me start on reduced hours so I can not immediately have to leave caspian full time. Hoping for a formal offer tomorrow now. Sleepless night beckons and probably not on account of Caspian...

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 12/09/2013 17:52

Sounds good Waves - what does the job sound like on this one?