One about a sad pregnant lady married to a sad angry man.

[izchaz]

Before I start, please don't read this and say "divorce him, he's a shit head", much as that might be outstanding advice it's not an option I want to engage with. What I'm after is help in turning the negatives in my relationship into positives. How do I let go of the grief and hurt, and how do I persuade my husband to stop beating himself up over the protracted affair he had with my best friend (no longer)? I try every day to push the positives in our relationship: we're a good team, we can laugh and have fun together, we have an incredible group of friends that we share, we are going to be parents to a much wanted baby, and when we are both behaving we have glimpses of what used to be - it's easy to be together and we can both see how much the other loves us. However whenever times get tough - work stress, the whisper of tightening belts, having to multitask or balance multiple issues at once then the whole house of cards crumbles and one of us reverts to recriminations and aiming to wound the other. He is under a huge amount of pressure with work, an impending family bereavement, the worry of my earnings disappearing when I go off on maternity etc etc, and I try so hard to keep him afloat. On the days when I fail, as yesterday he rails and I cannot help but bite back. Last night we fought from 9 at night until 3am, and only stopped because our lodger came home. Once he has started he will follow me from room to room, verbally attacking and prickling me until I re-engage the fight. I am desperate to stop the cycle as I am conscious that our marriage is tiny and frail (married 11 months, his affair was on/off for the first 7, and when confronted twice he lied about it) and I do not feel it can stand up to such punishment without becoming a very twisted paradigm of what we wanted when we got engaged.
Please, help me to figure out how to break the cycle of bad behaviour we have both sunk into, I am miserable with him now, and would be miserable without him, but we had something so good and so precious not so long ago, and I want to find a way back to that.

You need clarity and support, which you can't have when all this is in your face 24 hours a day. I agree that you should plan some time apart. Separation doesn't necessarily mean divorce - it means the space you need to build a safe emotional haven for your baby.

" I stood in front of everyone I've ever given a damn about and promised to love him and honour him for all time."

I heard a phrase just now relating to dysfunctional relationships where people stayed together just because they felt they had no option .... 'The Pride of Misery'. There is no pride in misery. You have options

Dear Op it is clear from your posts that you have a massive commitment to your marriage and are prepared to work hard to salvage it if possible. But what is the commitment of your H to the marriage? Is he prepared to demonstrate his love, and care for you over and over again? Wouldn't your late pregnancy be a time to show this in tender caring behaviour rather than ongoing haranguing and arguments? If not now, then when?

OP, this stress is so bad for your baby. Please get some space away from this man who should be cherishing you right now, massaging your feet, talking to your bump and making you tea, not haranguing you

I love Kate's idea of planning now to go to your mum's for a couple of weeks when the baby is born.

Being followed around and harangued for six hours while pregnant is bad, but oh, believe me, being harangued for hours while you're crying and trying to feed and calm a wailing newborn is absolute hell.

Your child's babyhood is time that you'll never get back, and if you're simultaneously trying to pour energy and focus into trying to shore up a crumbling relationship, you're not doing your child justice.

Move out, or get him to do so. Give yourself space. You don't have to announce that the relationship is over, but he has to work damn hard to persuade you to go on with it. It sounds like you've done all the work in persuading yourself till now. He needs to decide if this marriage is something he wants, and he's got to do the work - you can't do it for him, leading by example. It doesn't work like that.

As Glowbuggy says please get a full STI test for everything! If she has attempted this as many times as you think you don't know how many had sex with her.

You do know that your H had sex with her so has risked you and your baby. Condoms do not protect against everything.

I stood in front of everyone I've ever given a damn about and promised to love him and honour him for all time

Further to my post above, you don't actually need to be living with him to do that. My parents have been married for 47 years, and for a good 20 of that living apart, seeing each other when it suits them.

I am so sorry for all you've gone through OP. Your head must be spinning.

I just wanted to echo all the other posters in saying none of this is your fault and everything is harder with a newborn.

I completely respect your take on wedding vows - but he clearly didn't have the same sincerity or good intentions as you.

Vowing to stick together through good and bad is a reciprocal commitment, it doesn't work if only one of you means it.

I'm sorry

When I left my husband he dared to ask me what about our wedding vows. I asked him if he thought they had meant I had to be better so he could be worse? He shut up.

Omg I've read it all now. It was your fault for bringing the ow into your lives and for not picking up on 'subtle' hints that he was about to or had already banged her.

Poor, poor, poor you and now here you are desperately trying to take on his share of all the reparations. I am so sorry he's done and is doing this to you, especially while you are pregnant.

Re following you from room to room verbally attacking you, this is also so far from being excusable it's untrue either with or without the background. With the background, it absolutely unforgivable imo. I think by 'when we are both behaving' that you mean 'when I am behaving' in the way he thinks you should be. Ie the classic not throwing his appalling behaviour back in his face.

I think you need some space from him.

Firstly, I'm really sorry you are going through this. It must be completely devastating to deal with being betrayed in your closest relationships. It must be very ironic to be pregnant after trying so hard, and for it to be bittersweet like this.

I'm pregnant at the moment too, and find it exhausting in my relatively simple situation (I feel vulnerable, hormonal massive mood swings, keep getting ill) so goodness knows how you are coping in your situation.

Nobody on these threads actually knows your husband so of course we can't tell you the bottom line about this. Apparently hopeless marriages sometimes survive, while apparently 'perfect' couples split - it comes down to a lot of things.

However I wonder if even you are in the situation to fully process what has happened yourself? I don't think I would be, right now, in your shoes.

Can you just take some time out for yourself? A nice holiday with a friend or family member, anything that would give you the chance to relax and get a sense of yourself outside of this awful situation again. Counselling if you are ready - but anything that gives you a break and builds up your confidence is good. I do think that you need to actually be able to be selfish right now and recuperate.

Sometimes you actually aren't in the place to mend or resolve or decide things and that has to be shelved for later. Are you in the space where arguments are going to get you anywhere? Whatever you feel your husband owes you or doesn't owe you, he surely owes you the space to recuperate and think straight?

If the ex-best friend has a child that's a couple of months old is there any chance that it could have been fathered by your DH?

Or was he just sleeping with her whilst she was pregnant?

Apologies if I'm the first to raise that suggestion.

Hope he's giving you some space OP.

What a awful time you have had a you sound like you are both in a terrible place now.

Bottom line....I don't think your DP wants the whole marriage and baby thing, he would be fighting a lot harder for you both if he did.

Hadn't thought of that SueFlay.

Seems possible.

SueFlay, that was my first thought! Whose child is the baby?

OP, while you are both living together there is o hope at all for your marriage - and your child will be stuck helplessly in the middle of it.

Your dh needs to leave, live in a bedsit alone until he's done sufficient counselling to relearn his behaviours and attitudes, so that he can be the man you deserve.

Meanwhile, you need counselling.

Thank you NicknameTaken.

OP - when you become intensely stressed (as during an argument which involves you being harangued for hours on end) you produce catecholamines which affect blood flow to the placenta and fetal growth. Intense stress in pregnancy is linked to lower birth weight, preterm birth and PND in mothers. Please explain this to your DH or get your midwife to. For the sake of your baby you need NOT to be having regular, prolonged and intensely distressing confrontations with your husband. For the sake of your baby it needs to stop.

Shiiiiit! I've a lot of catching up to do in reading all your comments! Thank you all so much for taking the time to write, I promise I will read them all and pop some responses down. Life has become incredibly busy in the last three days, but I promise I will come back and respond. Watch this space!

:)

It really doesn't sound like its worth saving.

From what I've read about sociopaths, they're often hard to spot because they're so good at what they do - they're devious and manipulative and often very very clever. They choose their 'victims' with care. Your friend, who has now been sectioned, presumably targeted you and your husband because she could see that she'd get a result. A stronger man - a man less likely to cheat - would have simply rebuffed her advances and told you about what was going on right from the start. That said, it's not impossible that he may have learned his lesson - it doesn't sound like he's a womaniser, more that he was/is weak.

The haranguing you, on the other hand, does NOT sound good. To me, that's worse, and I think he possibly needs anger management or methods of calling time out when there is conflict. Easier said than done though, I should know!

Very sadly, Skink, the only lesson he seems willing to learn is that he can get away with blaming everyone else. He says the OW 'made' him fuck her - apparently while pregnant, and while she claimed to be upset & vulnerable - and it was all OP's fault for introducing them!

Yes, that is weakness. It show zero sense of responsibility, empathy and compassion. He claims that other people are in charge of his body; his actions. He bullies his wife when she says she doesn't control him.

If you look at the above in isolation, he's acting as though he is the sociopath.

All your posts are just trying to justify his unacceptable behaviour when there is no justification.

Yes, married couples go through rough patches and manage to rebuild their relationships after affairs but you've only been together 2.5 years and he cheated for over 20% that time. Quite frankly, your relationship is lacking the history and basis to be able to be rebuild again. Rebuild what exactly? 19 months???? It wasn't ever a committed relationship in the first place.

Right, phew! Read everything, thank you again for all your input - many eyes see what two often miss!
kate your idea of planning to not be here when the baby comes is a stroke of genius were my mum not my mum... unfortunately the idea of spending more than a long weekend with her taxes my patience, two weeks post birth would surely result in graves dug and alibis constructed! However I do have a veritable army of very good friends I could go to, not to mention that our lodger was the best man at our wedding, has been my friend for longer than either of us has known DH, and would happily (and easily) pick him up by his bollocks and take him away for me if I asked (which is exactly what happened when this whole shit storm broke back in March). So, there are options, should it come to that.
Having spent the last few days doing long shifts at work I'm physically exhausted, but have had a great opportunity to think about what I want/need - who knew wiping arses could lend such clarity of thought? I have spoken at some length with DH, pointed out the shockingly stupid nature of his actions the other night and given him final warning: be a colossal cunt again and make your own way to the door.
I am pondering over how to implement a "safe word" type system for when one or other of us gets too hett up and is upsetting the other, I think it would be valuable to be given a clear signpost as to when to stop talking/de-escalate as the situation requires, so will give that some serious thought.
A number of you mention my commitment to my vows, yes, he's pissed all over his, but that doesn't mean mine also have to be widdle stained, and I fully expect him to wash his clean and pay attention to the from now on. When all of this erupted I spoke to my mum at length, as she dealt with my father's infidelities for many years when I was a child, her view is "put up and shut up", mine is most definitely not, but it is tempered with a patience I inherited that gives me the ability to know with a certainty I hope never to have to test that his affair was a one time (7 month) weakness. I meant every word of my vows, and standing across from him when he said his I know he meant his too, and that what followed was a twisting of those vows by an evil woman, preying on a weakened man, whom she had already primed to fail.
The baby is definitely not DHs - a) he is the spit of his biological father and b) DH had not met OW when she fell pregnant.

For those of you worrying about my sexual health, I had a full screen done the day I found out, and another a month ago, totally clear (thank the various gods of STDs)
I really want to address all the posts about DH not taking responsibility or blame for his actions, but I need a bit more time to formulate my thoughts on that one. (I'm also concerned twatphone will delete this opus rather than post it).

He fucked a mentally ill pregnant woman for SEVEN months almost immediately after your wedding and follows you around rowing and goading you when you are pregnant and you want to stay with him????? I just cannot get my head round that.
You can waffle on all you like about vows and make excuses for him and blame her for forcing him (what, to get an erection repeatedly and fuck her repeatedly for 7 months until he was caught) but the fact of the matter is he is a CUNT and he's not even sorry, no he's angry and blaming it all on you. It's YOUR fault apparently.
The mind boggles, it really really does.