Before I start, please don't read this and say "divorce him, he's a shit head", much as that might be outstanding advice it's not an option I want to engage with. What I'm after is help in turning the negatives in my relationship into positives. How do I let go of the grief and hurt, and how do I persuade my husband to stop beating himself up over the protracted affair he had with my best friend (no longer)? I try every day to push the positives in our relationship: we're a good team, we can laugh and have fun together, we have an incredible group of friends that we share, we are going to be parents to a much wanted baby, and when we are both behaving we have glimpses of what used to be - it's easy to be together and we can both see how much the other loves us. However whenever times get tough - work stress, the whisper of tightening belts, having to multitask or balance multiple issues at once then the whole house of cards crumbles and one of us reverts to recriminations and aiming to wound the other. He is under a huge amount of pressure with work, an impending family bereavement, the worry of my earnings disappearing when I go off on maternity etc etc, and I try so hard to keep him afloat. On the days when I fail, as yesterday he rails and I cannot help but bite back. Last night we fought from 9 at night until 3am, and only stopped because our lodger came home. Once he has started he will follow me from room to room, verbally attacking and prickling me until I re-engage the fight. I am desperate to stop the cycle as I am conscious that our marriage is tiny and frail (married 11 months, his affair was on/off for the first 7, and when confronted twice he lied about it) and I do not feel it can stand up to such punishment without becoming a very twisted paradigm of what we wanted when we got engaged.
Please, help me to figure out how to break the cycle of bad behaviour we have both sunk into, I am miserable with him now, and would be miserable without him, but we had something so good and so precious not so long ago, and I want to find a way back to that.
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Relationships
One about a sad pregnant lady married to a sad angry man.
izchaz · 24/07/2013 14:51
My husband, being a man, was apparently not able to fend off her repeated advances, and didn't feel able to come to me because he felt I would be likely to believe her story
And you have been married only 11 months. And despite this affair that happened before you'd barely had a chance to hang up your wedding dress, you still deliberately became PG with this man?
I don't think there is anything I can say to help you.
Your 'friend' was obviously seriously unwell if she is now in a secure unit. And I wonder how on earth she managed to get him to the situation where he was shagging her.
I also wonder how on earth a baby is going to fit into 8 hour arguments, with you two following each other from room to room. Presumably you'll be carrying the baby while he shouts at you 
.
It seems an awful lot of your anger is being diverted towards your 'friend'- and his anger is diverted towards you for not 'rescuing' him. Which would be fine, if you two wanted to carry on like this. But what about a poor bloody child, who deserves a bit of security and attention and quiet??????
This is supposed to be the honeymoon period! There are going to be a lot of tough times over the lifetime of a marriage, you need some strategies to deal with them without attacking each other. Having a first child is a very difficult period for many otherwise happy couples, it's a massive readjustment of priorities and roles. Anyone can be lovely/loveable on a good day, when they are on their best behaviour, but their true character is revealed by how they react under pressure.
As for having an affair, with your friend, in the first 6 months of your marriage, and then having the gall to blame you for it.... I'm speechless.
So in essence, you will not make him take responsibility and blame for his affair alone, because then you'd have to admit to yourself that your husband is a cheat and a liar, who sleeps with your friend and then blames everyone else for doing so...like the waste of time and space that he is?
I can see your dilemma. 
I think you taking half the blame is a way of getting back control over the situation. Because the alternative will be that you have to face up to the fact that he kept getting an erection- and using it to fuck a vulnerable woman.
I bet he's cried hasn't he? They always cry
But the idea of using your pregnancy time to rebuild your marriage is so desperately sad- you should be concentrating on the baby and looking after yourself, not appearing in some cheesy melodrama.
He is 'sad'- but more in its modern meaning.
I am deeply saddened on your behalf that you have accepted the myth that men can't help themselves when it comes to controlling where they put their penises. Amazing how he managed to maintain an erection for those 7 months despite not fancying her/living in a constant state of fear of her.
Ever thought that perhaps her version is correct and that her MH issues made her vulnerable to a sexual predator like your H? That is actually way, way more common than the scenario your H is painting.
The only acceptable response from a cheating spouse is abject remorse and full acceptance of responsibility. Anything less and you should recognise that you're dealing with someone whose only regret is the fact they got caught. No matter how hard someone pursues another, they have to want to reciprocate for anything to happen.
Have you fallen into the trap of mistaking heightened emotions for love? Just because they are strong doesn't mean they are healthy. A good loving relationship shouldn't hurt and it shouldn't be hard. Working at a marriage doesn't mean slogging through every day, it means treating each other with consideration and respect - which should come easily because you love each other - and pulling together as an equal team when things get temporarily rough.
Also, what you had was so special in the beginning because it wasn't real. The man you see now is the real man. The 18 months before your marriage was an illusion when he (and possibly you) were on your best behaviour.
Throw enough consequences at him and he may possibly act like the man you once knew, and that might be enough for you. However, you'd need to be prepared for the fact that as soon as you took your eye off the ball or made yourself vulnerable in any way he'd revert to type.
I'm sorry for your situation I really am, but this won't get better. If you really are determined to stick with it - and that's your choice - I suggest you make plans to safeguard yours and baby's financial security, insist on a barrier method of contraception, and seek fulfilment and support from friends, family and work.
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