One about a sad pregnant lady married to a sad angry man.

[izchaz]

Before I start, please don't read this and say "divorce him, he's a shit head", much as that might be outstanding advice it's not an option I want to engage with. What I'm after is help in turning the negatives in my relationship into positives. How do I let go of the grief and hurt, and how do I persuade my husband to stop beating himself up over the protracted affair he had with my best friend (no longer)? I try every day to push the positives in our relationship: we're a good team, we can laugh and have fun together, we have an incredible group of friends that we share, we are going to be parents to a much wanted baby, and when we are both behaving we have glimpses of what used to be - it's easy to be together and we can both see how much the other loves us. However whenever times get tough - work stress, the whisper of tightening belts, having to multitask or balance multiple issues at once then the whole house of cards crumbles and one of us reverts to recriminations and aiming to wound the other. He is under a huge amount of pressure with work, an impending family bereavement, the worry of my earnings disappearing when I go off on maternity etc etc, and I try so hard to keep him afloat. On the days when I fail, as yesterday he rails and I cannot help but bite back. Last night we fought from 9 at night until 3am, and only stopped because our lodger came home. Once he has started he will follow me from room to room, verbally attacking and prickling me until I re-engage the fight. I am desperate to stop the cycle as I am conscious that our marriage is tiny and frail (married 11 months, his affair was on/off for the first 7, and when confronted twice he lied about it) and I do not feel it can stand up to such punishment without becoming a very twisted paradigm of what we wanted when we got engaged.
Please, help me to figure out how to break the cycle of bad behaviour we have both sunk into, I am miserable with him now, and would be miserable without him, but we had something so good and so precious not so long ago, and I want to find a way back to that.

'I think she writes with crystaline clarity'

I think she writes with oblivious obfuscation.

I think she uses words to con the reader into thinking she is so intelligent she simply must know what she's talking about.

Why is there a lodger in the house and why is he allowed to slope in at 3am? Where are the boundaries - for everyone?

A 7-month affair isn't just seedy and crappy, it is fiercely deceitful and vile.

It shows a massive misunderstanding and unawareness of human relationships between the sexes to force these two (the shagger and the OW) together.

Period and FromParis (but particularly the latter) you speak as those who have forgiven - or are still battling - faithless, conniving husbands. I cannot imagine what is going through your minds when you say this marriage has a chance; that this couple know what real love is; or that both parties are not dangerously deluded. Your anger feels like bitterness because you, too, are having to live with wrong decisions.

There are many baffling things about this thread, but the fact that the OP has a lodger and that said lodger has his own social life is not, to my mind, one of them. Lots of people have lodgers, usually for financial reasons all round, although I would probably call them housemates. I can only assume it somehow isn't the Done Thing wherever you live.

As you were, carry on everybody.

Hi again OP.

You mentioned that you H had been faithful for 19 years with his previous partners, yet with you, in the short time you have known him, he has not been faithful. 7 months out of 11 months of marriage is a whopping 64% of your married life he was unfaithful.

A one off indiscretion would be out of character but still a deal breaker for me. He carried it on for a long while which suggests his character has changed for whatever reason.

If my DP was unfaithful with me, but had never been previously, I would seriously question our relationship. Especially if it happened so early on in our relationship.

Your parents had many years of hopefully good memories on which to start again. Maybe that is why their staying together has worked, but is your mum really happy? She doesn't sound happy if she's telling you to shut up and put up.

Yes you will be having a baby, but when you are sore after the birth, tired due to sleepless nights and not up for intimacy with him, won't you worry that he might go looking elsewhere again.

Tbh I wonder if he actually even wanted to get married ? It's like he's pushing you into making a decision for him that he hasn't to the guts to make, which is to end it.

I hope whatever you decide to do, that you are still thinking of taking some time for yourself. If you can for a moment forget that you are married or pregnant, imagine this happened in the first 11 months you were together, what would you have done then?

Also, if you have a DD and she was in your situation, what would you say to her? Kids never like the whole 'do as I say, not as I do' way of being told. It is much better to lead by example.

Be kind to yourself and be happy.

'A 7-month affair isn't just seedy and crappy, it is fiercely deceitful and vile.'

This. And I think under all the flurry of OPs intelligent words, she is losing sight of the fact it happened just after they got married. It is the worst form of contempt towards the OP and their new marriage to go and embark wilfully on a 7 month fuckfest. He has no respect for the OP. I hope she can find some for herself.

Nowt wrong with lodgers. I would imagine, however, that a marriage in its infancy, where the woman is pregnant and is dealing with six-hour rows in the early hours, is not the most appropriate setting for a lodger. This family needs to be alone.

"FromParis you speak as those who have forgiven - or are still battling - faithless, conniving husbands. ... you say this marriage has a chance;

No I fucking did NOT. I have posted earlier for the OP, and I wont repeat it.

My point was some of the posts written to the OP are ABUSIVE and bullying and spiteful and nasty

Just because people have SURVIVED it gives them no right to be so fucking rude.

if someone shouts at me, I tend not to listen. I would suspect OP is the same.

and where the fuck did I say their marriage has a chance? exactly, I did not

I just hate bullies, and for people who claim to hate abusive men, you seem to be echoing some of their behaviour IMVHO

If you have advised her, and she is not listening. then hide the fucking thread. do something more worthwhile.

paris, have you read your own posts? The irony of you berating other posters for being abusive and unpleasant is pretty staggering...

I was addressing both you and PeriodFeatures.

This was a mountain to read through, but to summarise.

The H had a 7 month affair with a friend of his Ws. The W wants to know how to make ie better.

Why the W feels that she has responsibility towards making it better is beyond me. She didn't do the affair.

I suppose if you've pinned your colours to such a rotting mast, you will fight all you can to save it so you can prove to yourself that you've not been foolish or a lousy judge of character.

"I want to prove to myself that I didn't make a mistake marrying a cheater".

How is marrying a cheater not a mistake? Self esteem, please.

Are you going to move out for a while and have counselling OP? Has he gone back to the counselling he couldn't be arsed to do? Did he ever fix your car? Have you been checked for STDs?

I've read the thread. OP you sound utterly deluded and I actually find your flowery writing style and conclusions re the state of your marriage quite creepy. You actually seem to be loving the drama and reliving it. It is worrying how this weird situation and interplay between yourself and your DH will impact on your baby.

I can't remember but if you are not seeking counselling ALONE then you should.

I think I mentioned STDs upthread but in the swirling perfect storm of fertile soil it got buried.

OP, you don't actually know for sure this is the only time he shagged around, although once is quite enough.

In a much more minor and get overable instance, I broke up with someone who had vowed he didn't even find anyone else attractive while he was going out with me, only to find out later he had played not just the field but an entire farm.

Reader, I got myself down the clap clinic.

FatalFlowerGarden

I was a tad free with the swearwords and for that I apologise.

but as far as I am aware I have not directly called names or insulted anyone or an individual?

but yes, I can see the irony...........

and I am going to hide thread as noone ever wants to face up to the fact that their behaviour could be just a teensy, weensy tad unpleasant.

And I just did, I swore and ranted and I have apoligised for my tone.

But I bet you noone will fess up that their language to the OP has been unkind, and inappropriate

Saying she's deluded is just accurate.

I'm thinking about it fromparis

don't worry about it btw - your outburst, that is. So what you mouthed off? I'm sure we can take it . The whole 'soup' of this thread (or, rather, OP) is alarming on a number of levels. It's easy to see how feelings can fun high. this sort of thing can be catching.

Fair enough paris

fwiw, I think most of it is frustration at the OP's continual (and increasingly random) justifications of her husband's inexcusably awful behaviour but yes, sometimes things come across as unkind.

well, I am munching on my hat

Period and FromParis (but particularly the latter) you speak as those who have forgiven - or are still battling - faithless, conniving husbands. I cannot imagine what is going through your minds when you say this marriage has a chance; that this couple know what real love is; or that both parties are not dangerously deluded. Your anger feels like bitterness because you, too, are having to live with wrong decisions

What absolute blimming rubbish!!!

I can't speak for Paris but I have what i consider to be a bloody amazing marriage. We have been through some bloody awful crap together. Funnily enough, largely surrounding other people's mental health issues, and perhaps our own.

I am on a daily basis grateful for everything I have in my life and this gratitude is as a result of the hardship and difficulty we have had. Our marriage has grown stronger, we communicate well, respect each other, are flexible, understanding and able to accept our own faults (sometimes takes a little bit of time!) We laugh together, share the same values and are gentle with one another's flaws and faults. I trust my DH implicitly and he trusts me. he is in a profession where he is surrounded by many (beautiful intelligent young) women, at my crappiest moments (time of the month!) I might have a flicker of insecurity. But we share something that we affirmed in our marriage vows and that still remains. This is bigger than any fears i have. It has been 10 years and life gets better and better.

Why are people not entitled to this, entitled to mistakes, entitled to forgiveness?

They are.

7 or either years ago, I was on the brink of leaving, not coping, furious with DH for various reasons. It took a few years of hanging in there and feeling low and uncertain and desperate at times. Now I am so glad I made the decisions I made. I'm a better happier and stronger person and definitely more self aware!!

So whatever a few random internet comments might lead you to assume you haven't lived my life.

I am sad for people who can't find good and beauty in dark places I really am. I am sad for people who will quash a grown adults (who is making her own choices) hope with their negativity and rhetoric.

well my marriage is shit

and I posted on here this week, and was told so!

I don't think there is much to be lauded about sticking with a bloke who does what OP's husband did, when he was only just her husband. Good and beauty? The best and more beautiful thing would be not having him in one's life.

Most beautiful; not more.

Do you know what people, the OP explained why getting angry doesn't work for her in her relationship. She said it shuts her down - she feels she can't take any action. It doesn't empower her.

So to all those who are trying to rile her up AGAIN AND FUCKING AGAIN with your sage advice -- you're just driving her away from potential help.

Bravo. Don't you just feel fucking awesome now.

Point fucking taken Welease

I don't feel fucking awesome, as it happens. Your point is a good one and I'm thinking about it [best I can do (can't get better than that)]

We have a lodger so I can put that revenue directly into my pocket, and leave if the need arises. He "slopes" in at 3 in the morning because that's when he finishes work, he doesn't have boundaries because he's a grown man and I'm not his mother.