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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Oh bugger. I think I'm in love with one of my best friends.

335 replies

LucyWildelovesGru · 22/07/2013 20:27

I've known him for years though we've definitely spent a lot more time together recently. He's kind and funny and smart. We get on incredibly well, we spend loads of time together and we never run out of things to say. We've got loads in common, and lots of mutual friends - he's perfect. I even like his parents.

And now I think I've fallen for him. We went to a wedding two weekends where neither of us knew many other people - as a result, we spent most of the time together and had a lovely time. And when I got home, I realised I don't want to just be friends any more, and I keep thinking about him and how much fun we had.

I can't believe I've gone and done this - he's so much a part of my life, and now I've got to either tell him how I feel and ruin the friendship if it's not reciprocated, or do nothing and try and get over it. Or, I suppose, hang around in the hope that he feels the same way. But I don't have any real evidence that he does.

I have absolutely no idea how to go about this - I've even been googling "ways to tell if he fancies you" which is absurd given my age and the fact that all the articles say things like "try and sit next to him in class and see what happens". But I've never been in this situation before - got married at 25 to the boy I'd been going out with since school, and haven't dared go on a date since we split up two years ago.

I know he isn't dating anyone else, and that he hasn't had a serious relationship since his girlfriend died about five years ago. But that doesn't mean he's interested in me, of course.

Please, tell me to get a grip and get on with my life. Or to get a grip and tell him how I feel. Or give me a list of "ten ways to tell if a forty something bloke who's unfailingly polite and interested in everyone he encounters likes you more than he likes other people" so I can work out whether he likes me back.

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 11/08/2013 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BIWI · 11/08/2013 19:25

I'd e-mail, tbh.

"Hi xxx

I'm so sorry I had to cancel tonight. I was really looking forward to it, because I needed to talk to you. I have come to realise that I really value our friendship and that you mean more to me than just a friend.

I can only hope that you feel the same.

with love

LucyWilde"
xx

Elsiequadrille · 11/08/2013 19:30

Yes, that sounds good. Perhaps make it more ambigous and say you're confused about your feelings for him and think he 'may' mean more to you than a friend.

Blush Sorry, I'm no good at this.

kalidanger · 11/08/2013 19:31

Test him Lucy If he can handle getting tiddly and changing the warm soapy water while you mop up spew then he's 100% up for it.

BIWI · 11/08/2013 19:42

I wouldn't be ambiguous, tbh - men don't take hints! I'd be direct.

AKissIsNotAContract · 11/08/2013 19:45

BIWI's email is good, send him that

magimedi · 11/08/2013 19:47

I also second BIWI's e-mail.

He may well be feeling as fed up as you are.

WOman up & do it!

themidwife · 11/08/2013 20:14

Yes send it! What do you have to lose?!! Ok if he doesn't feel the same it'll be a bit awkward but otherwise you could go on like this forever! Good luck!

Iamnormalish · 11/08/2013 20:23

Personally I wouldnt email. Its not what you wanted to do in the first place and it cant be undone or down played the same way as a conversation.

I am as desperate as everyone else (been lurking) for you to get it on with this man but its your real life. You will need to come back and face hoim after your 2 weeks holiday and if he does not respond you will be frustrated and spend your holiday going over and over. If he declines - you will spend your 2 weeks building upto "OMG how can I face him in real life again".

Be patient.

Ask him around later in the week for a takeway/meal and take it from there.

Thats just my opinion.

StraightJacket · 11/08/2013 20:47

Oh no, I hadn't saw your reply earlier. So sorry to hear you have had to cancel :(

Definitely takeaway at some point this week. Don't put it off for 3 weeks otherwise you will go barmy.

MissStrawberry · 11/08/2013 20:59

Oh no Sad.

I hope your little one is soon better.

Maybe chat to him by text in between cleaning up and giving cuddles.

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 11/08/2013 21:00

just seen this and marking my place Grin

WaitingForMe · 11/08/2013 21:21

I'd send that email. In fact I sent one similar five years ago. I'm another person married to her best friend and I'm certain if DH hadn't felt the same he'd have been kind. And this man sounds kind as well. Good luck whatever you do OP.

LucyWildelovesGru · 11/08/2013 21:55

You are right, Iamnormalish. I'd love to give my MN supporters and cheerleaders a quick and neat denouement but the truth is I have to live with the decision and not fuck this up.

I worry that anything I write in an email (and I've composed about ten in my head while wiping up puke today) will be way too black and white, and there will be no going back. Face to face we can talk it through and (I hope) work out the terms of being friends if he doesn't feel the same way.

I'm just going to have to live with my own neuroses for the next few weeks (really, meeting up this week is out of the question - I've got a work conference for the next three days, then dd's birthday party, then we are going on holiday). It's not going to make a difference - if he likes me then he's not going to be going anywhere and if he does find someone else then he wasn't ever that into me.

I'm scared of being rejected but I'm also scared of losing something that might be great. So I've downloaded Brene Brown's book about vulnerability (Daring Greatly) which I hope might encourage me to brave when we do meet - her TED talk is amazing (please watch it if you haven't seen it) and made me cry when I watched it. I've never in my life told anyone how I really feel, not even my wank badger of an ex husband. I'm absolutely determined that isn't going to happen this time.

So, you will have an answer one way or another, but I can't promise it will happen quickly. But I promise I will update you. You're all amazing, I wish I knew you all in RL (though would obviously have to think of a way to make sure you didn't associate any of this with me...)

OP posts:
cloudskitchen · 12/08/2013 00:33

Another one that thinks don't email but talk face to face. Best of luck when the time is right. Hope your dc feels better soon. Happy holidays.

Turniphead1 · 12/08/2013 00:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

evelynj · 12/08/2013 06:17

Take him on holiday with you!

Sorry you had to postpone but agree it's your RL & shouldn't be rushed-sounds like a great idea to read that stuff-when you do eventually tell him you will feel so liberated either way.

Hope y manage to enjoy your hols anyway-please book him in ASAP when you return!

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 12/08/2013 07:07

aww love sorry it didn't work out last night and I do hope DS is better this morning.

If it's going to be, it will be just as good in three weeks time.

Good luck with all your other stuff, hope you have a great holiday

practicality · 12/08/2013 08:13

Okay, taking off the RomCom googles,I don't see any indication that he wants to be more than friends. I would guard against any confessionals unless you are prepared to lose this friendship as a result or at very least change the nature of it.

I think some of your reticence may be due to this underlying concern.

What is positive is that it may have raised your awareness that you want a relationship now. I would start looking in places where others are crystal clear in wanting this too.

Of course you could be a bit underhand in asking him for his views on the best places to meet others romantically or whether he has any online dating experience, therefore letting him know that this is something you want. I think it would become evident at that point if he is quietly interested.....

Good luck O.P. x

Elsiequadrille · 12/08/2013 09:40

I'm still of the idea that you need to present you feelings as confused/unsure, whether face to face or via email, as a way out if need be, if feelings are not reciprocated. (I'm thinking about how I would do it if I had to confess love to my best male friend). The most important thing (I think) is to ensure the friendship is preserved, whatever the outcome.

DisappointedHorse · 12/08/2013 09:57

I just wanted to wish you luck OP, my cousin and her husband were best friends for years before one of them confessed their feelings. Now they've been married 10 years.

If it were me I think I'd go down the gently flirting route for a while before you meet. It paves the way for anything you might want to say rather than it being a bolt out of the blue. Nothing too obvious but see if he's receptive.

CakesAreNotTheAnswer · 12/08/2013 10:39

Another one here who married her best friend. wishing you luck and watching with interest x

milkglass · 12/08/2013 10:58

My best friend kissed me. We'd been friends for many years. Until then I didn't realise I'd loved him all along. He said he'd loved me for years.

We've been a couple for 20 years and are married with 3 beautiful children.

I often look at him and wonder what would have happened if he hadn't just kissed me that night.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 12/08/2013 11:05

I absolutely wouldn't do anything by email. It must be done face to face.

CakeistheAnswer · 12/08/2013 11:05

Cakes I've resurrected an old NN to post this, just so we can have a NN fight.

Oh yes they are. So there. Grin

Sorry OP, wasn't really trying to hijack your thread. I married my best friend too. We've had up and downs, but are still here 27 years later. Advantage is that you know them inside out right from the start. No nasty surprises. My friend who had previously dated DH even warned me that he's a rubbish kisser. Sadly she was right. Sad

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