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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Oh bugger. I think I'm in love with one of my best friends.

335 replies

LucyWildelovesGru · 22/07/2013 20:27

I've known him for years though we've definitely spent a lot more time together recently. He's kind and funny and smart. We get on incredibly well, we spend loads of time together and we never run out of things to say. We've got loads in common, and lots of mutual friends - he's perfect. I even like his parents.

And now I think I've fallen for him. We went to a wedding two weekends where neither of us knew many other people - as a result, we spent most of the time together and had a lovely time. And when I got home, I realised I don't want to just be friends any more, and I keep thinking about him and how much fun we had.

I can't believe I've gone and done this - he's so much a part of my life, and now I've got to either tell him how I feel and ruin the friendship if it's not reciprocated, or do nothing and try and get over it. Or, I suppose, hang around in the hope that he feels the same way. But I don't have any real evidence that he does.

I have absolutely no idea how to go about this - I've even been googling "ways to tell if he fancies you" which is absurd given my age and the fact that all the articles say things like "try and sit next to him in class and see what happens". But I've never been in this situation before - got married at 25 to the boy I'd been going out with since school, and haven't dared go on a date since we split up two years ago.

I know he isn't dating anyone else, and that he hasn't had a serious relationship since his girlfriend died about five years ago. But that doesn't mean he's interested in me, of course.

Please, tell me to get a grip and get on with my life. Or to get a grip and tell him how I feel. Or give me a list of "ten ways to tell if a forty something bloke who's unfailingly polite and interested in everyone he encounters likes you more than he likes other people" so I can work out whether he likes me back.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 12/08/2013 22:47

Sorry your DS wasn't well, and on the "date" night too! Hope he's better.

I agree with elsiequadrille that it would be good to have a way out if he doesn't reciprocate, and wouldn't talk about love or falling for him, rather something more low-key like "recently I've been feeling attracted to you. D'you think we could become more than friends?"

In your shoes I'd email rather than do it face to face, as less stressful.

Hope it works out!

LucyWildelovesGru · 13/08/2013 17:33

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone. Ds is better, the little monkey, having ruined my night (and yours!). They?ve all gone to stay with their dad for a few days and apparently he?s perked right up and did more or less as soon as he arrived. I?m now in a horrible hotel in the Midlands at a grim work conference ? exhausted and looking forward to coming home tomorrow. And then hosting a sleepover for six excitable twelve year old girls, and then packing the car for two weeks camping in Wales. So not much chance of a rest on the horizon.

Doing it by email is definitely wrong, I know it?s wrong. I?m just a coward and yet also keen to resolve it one way or another. I reckon it is going to have to be a fairly low key approach with a bit of ambiguity ? he?ll be totally freaked out if it?s a big declaration of my devotion.

So many of you married your best friends. I need details! How did you move from friend to girlfriend? Did you know beforehand? Did you make the first move (and if so did you have an inkling that he was interested)?

I was out for dinner with colleagues yesterday and there was a big discussion going on about male/female friendships. I was interested in what they were saying, of course. I probed a bit ? asked the men if they would spend time one to one with a woman and look for opportunities to do that if they weren?t interested in her, or if they?d send emails asking her how her day had been. They almost all said no, apart from the one who is gay. That might just be the men I work with, but it did make me wonder if a man really would hang out with a woman if he isn?t interested on at least some level. Intellectually, I hope so ? I?d like to believe in male/female friendships where romance doesn?t intrude. But of course, I?m really hoping that isn?t the case in this particular instance!

OP posts:
AndMiffyWentToSleep · 13/08/2013 18:25

I've a good feeling about this, Lucy. I think it'll be worth waiting for!
Fingers crossed for you and for MNers' patience in the meantime.
Grin

CakesAreNotTheAnswer · 13/08/2013 18:40

Hi Lucy,
I very embarrassingly told my 'friend' that there was this bloke that I really liked, but we were friends and didn't know if I should tell him or not. He guessed I meant him and fronted me out about it, I confessed and he let me know that he wasn't really in the right place for a relationship. Though I did point out that we were practically a couple in everything but name - spending every spare minute together, talking on the phone and online all the time the odd friends with benefits night together

I luckily had a date lined up with someone else so was able to be a bit more blase than I might otherwise have been and it kept things less awkward. Then one night I was on a date with my back-up when my phone rang and kept ringing until I answered it and when I did he told me to ditch my date and come home because he was in love with me and was outside my door waiting for me.

That was nine years ago, we got married five years ago and have a one year old :)

In my defence I was 21 when all this happened, hence some of the more immature aspects!

Elsiequadrille · 13/08/2013 18:51

That's lovely, cakes

Kikibee · 13/08/2013 18:59

Wow this sounds like emmerdale or one of Richard Curtis's films, how exciting, I am desperate to find out what happens :)

Turniphead1 · 13/08/2013 19:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

MexicanHat · 13/08/2013 19:50

OMG Cakes that is so lovely!!!! Pass me the tissues!!!

ChippingInHopHopHop · 13/08/2013 20:28

Cakes that's lovely :)

Fingers crossed still 'Lucy'!! Hope you enjoy your holiday in Wales!!

minkembernard · 13/08/2013 20:39

Darn it. started reading thread..saw the big day was scheduled for Sunday. thought great. it Will all be sorted by the end of the thread.

Some lovely stories though. especially teafairy

I have been aon the other end of this and have had three male friends have declared feelings for me that i could not reciprocate...
And then there was the one whom I fell for who felt the same. not together now but did not regret a second of it.

Viking1 · 14/08/2013 08:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PyroclasticFlo · 14/08/2013 09:56

Lucy, I've been lurking and just wanted to add my support.

I think you're right not to email, but I wonder if maybe a text or two dropping some warning sign type hints might be an idea?

FWIW if i were in your situation I would send a text kind of along the lines of 'It's such a shame we couldn't meet up on Sunday, was so looking forward to it, I'm beginning to realise how much I love our time together and will miss you while I'm on holiday.'

That kind of gives him an opportunity to think about missing you and paves the way for conversations when you get back, while being ambiguous enough to dismiss as still within the bounds of 'good friends' if he doesn't respond.

Oh, and I love Gru, too Grin

Good luck!

themidwife · 14/08/2013 20:04

Excellent text suggestion Pyro!!!!

Laska42 · 14/08/2013 20:11

yes texting is a great idea Pyro but OP IIWU I'd change the word from 'love' our time together to 'really enjoy' our time together and you'll be hitting the right note whatever.. if he likes you too then he'll understand and if he doesnt want to r take it any furtherits a good friendly text between great mates that that you can move on from without 'telling all'

Good luck! (sorry another one just delurking to add her two pennyworth here)

Wigeon · 16/08/2013 19:37

De-lurking to also wish you good luck! I think if you don't at least broach the subject you will always be wondering "what if...?"

I asked out, and eventually married, my friend Grin. We were 20, I went to visit him one summer holiday (we were both at different universities), he suggested we go out for dinner, he chose a lovely French restaurant, there was candlelight...and nothing.

So the next day, I went back to say hello to him during his lunch break at the local sandwich shop where he had a summer job, and whilst sitting on the wall of the graveyard of the local church Hmm said "I think we should go out properly". He said "ok then" and we had a snog (he'd just been eating a samosa...!). Met him after work and went back to his parents' house to watch a James Bond film and snuggle up!

Dated for four years, got married at 24, have just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary and have two DDs! Grin.

He says he hadn't particularly thought of asking me out and didn't have a big crush on me or anything, but when I asked, he thought "why not?" and thought he'd give it a go!! He reckons he got me back for having to ask him out by doing the proposing himself three years later though.

Jaynebxl · 17/08/2013 07:28

I know there won't be an update for a couple of weeks because of the holiday but I'm dying to hear more!

delilahlilah · 17/08/2013 10:54

Hi OP, Wales here, just advising wellies and wet weather gear! There are rumours of another heat wave, but its not arrived yet!!!
Looking forward to an update too. Have a great holiday in the mean time.

hellymelly · 17/08/2013 11:12

Where in Wales are you camping?

themidwife · 17/08/2013 12:04

Blimey we are going to Wales today too - better take rain coats!!

AWarmFuzzyFuture · 17/08/2013 12:52

Aww Cakes you story made me cry, you are naughty... Smile

I'm all melty and wistful now.

Bonne Chance Lucy xx

mamamidwife · 17/08/2013 12:56

Delurking too, its reading like a richard curtis movie, love actually 2 Smile

Love pyros suggestion, definately sending that text is a great plan, keeps you in his mind. If this situation was me, I would be worrying that if he was interested in me, the pub meet up would look like me brushing him off when I cancelled, so I would send a text like pyro suggested.

delilahlilah · 17/08/2013 15:06

Themidwife which region are you headed for?

themidwife · 17/08/2013 15:51

We're going near Carmarthen! Torrential on the M4!

Nikeairyfairy · 17/08/2013 20:17

I came back to look up this thread as its similar to a thread I started last year.

Best decision I made. He proposed on nye and he's now got a ring... I know this because when putting his socks away I found an envelope marked ' diamond valuation' it's about a foot away from me and its killing me not to peek.... Anyway I don't want to derail. I'll link to said thread, and say its been the best decision I made. Never been happier. I absolutely adore him. Now I need to not look in the envelope!!!!!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1629934-Moving-from-friendship-to-something-more?msgid=36300779

hellymelly · 17/08/2013 20:42

Not raining now *West Wales coast. Looks like it might be fine tomorrow.