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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Oh bugger. I think I'm in love with one of my best friends.

335 replies

LucyWildelovesGru · 22/07/2013 20:27

I've known him for years though we've definitely spent a lot more time together recently. He's kind and funny and smart. We get on incredibly well, we spend loads of time together and we never run out of things to say. We've got loads in common, and lots of mutual friends - he's perfect. I even like his parents.

And now I think I've fallen for him. We went to a wedding two weekends where neither of us knew many other people - as a result, we spent most of the time together and had a lovely time. And when I got home, I realised I don't want to just be friends any more, and I keep thinking about him and how much fun we had.

I can't believe I've gone and done this - he's so much a part of my life, and now I've got to either tell him how I feel and ruin the friendship if it's not reciprocated, or do nothing and try and get over it. Or, I suppose, hang around in the hope that he feels the same way. But I don't have any real evidence that he does.

I have absolutely no idea how to go about this - I've even been googling "ways to tell if he fancies you" which is absurd given my age and the fact that all the articles say things like "try and sit next to him in class and see what happens". But I've never been in this situation before - got married at 25 to the boy I'd been going out with since school, and haven't dared go on a date since we split up two years ago.

I know he isn't dating anyone else, and that he hasn't had a serious relationship since his girlfriend died about five years ago. But that doesn't mean he's interested in me, of course.

Please, tell me to get a grip and get on with my life. Or to get a grip and tell him how I feel. Or give me a list of "ten ways to tell if a forty something bloke who's unfailingly polite and interested in everyone he encounters likes you more than he likes other people" so I can work out whether he likes me back.

OP posts:
minkembernard · 17/08/2013 21:42

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LucyWildelovesGru · 17/08/2013 22:22

Right...car packed, waterproofs packed, think we will be fine. We are staying on a friend's farm in the Brecon Beacons. We do it each year - several of us from university plus families. On the plus side, if it is dreadful weather there is a warm kitchen, showers and the possibility of a roof over our heads (we all moved into the barn for a couple of nights last year).

So that's all fine. But my dad isn't well, and my step sister messed up her A-levels and my stepmum is freaking out, so I feel bad going away. I did contemplate cancelling but the dcs would be so upset and we are only a couple of hours drive away. It does mean I haven't had much chance to mope around and ponder my situation.

These stories are extraordinary and so moving. I loved your thread, nikeairyfairy, that's so wonderful - my heart was in my mouth reading it even though I knew it had a happy ending. You're all so brave - every time I imagine "the conversation" my pulse starts racing and I feel sick. I just keep imagine him letting me down gently and me having to go away and weep into my pillow.

I've just had a heart to heart over Skype with my best friend - she's in Australia now but has known him as long as I have. She says she thinks we are perfect for each other, that he is totally hopeless in these situations and that he will never, ever make the first move as he'd be worried about being turned down or upsetting me if he did like me, and that I am just going to have to seize the day or regret it forever. She's right - she usually is.

So I will hang on in there. I haven't ruled out a fairly non commital email/text while I am away. Will let you know!

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 17/08/2013 22:27

I used to go camping on a farm in the Brecon Beacons sighs

You'll have a great time & your stepsis's A levels are not your responsibility.

hellymelly · 17/08/2013 22:42

My DH is from near Brecon. It is somewhat wetter than here usually, but hopefully you will have some sunshine!

delilahlilah · 18/08/2013 00:11

Sorry! Only just come back on. The midwife - am west of you near Swansea. Hope it is better tomorrow! Today was horrible!

delilahlilah · 18/08/2013 05:56

Must have been tired last night!! Am East of you..... Weather trying hard to improve this morning! Fingers crossed. Keep an eye out for the White Hart pub - think village is Llanddarog. Amazing food if you want a treat!!

AntoinetteCosway · 18/08/2013 07:03

You must seize the day OP! Don't let this drag out forever or you'll lose your courage.

For what it's worth, my best friend spent a drunken evening telling me how it IS possible for some people to be friends and then a couple and it not be a disaster, then promptly snogged me Grin Reader, I married him Wink

Himoutdoors · 18/08/2013 11:22

Haven't read much of he thread. My advice is not to say it on words but just act it out.......cuddle, snog, hug, kiss...whatever....just act it out....much more enjoyable and natural and less awkward.

CeliaFate · 18/08/2013 12:23

Lucy I hope it works out for you. Dh and I were friends, spent time together, got to know each other and fell for each other. We've been together 20 odd years now!
It can work out - if you do get together, my only advice would be do lots of dating as we kind of missed out on that stage and went from being friends to living together very quickly.

CeliaFate · 18/08/2013 12:24

*going out on dates each other I meant, not other people!

themidwife · 18/08/2013 13:22

We are west of Carmarthen although on the beach at Pendine today - cloudy but dry! Smile

LucyWildelovesGru · 21/08/2013 16:42

It?s been ok here, weather wise ? everyone is having a lovely time and a much needed break.

A quick update. I?m going home on Friday afternoon for a couple of nights, leaving the dcs with my amazing friends who claim not to mind taking responsibility for them all for a bit. My dad is coming out of hospital and I?m going to make sure he?s settled in, and give my step mum a hand for the first couple of days.

So, I thought I would seize the moment ? there?s been a small amount of emailing back and forth about not very much. I wouldn?t call it flirting but it?s certainly not particularly relevant to anything that needed to be said. I replied to one of his messages to say I was coming back briefly and did he fancy trying to reschedule our drink, as I?d be free on Saturday night, and he said yes (just yes, not ?oh wow, yes please, that would be amazing..?). So that?s my chance ? if it goes badly, I escape back to Wales on Monday to lick my wounds for a week or so.

I?ve got a tan, and I have a new dress that I picked up in a spare moment last week, which I will wear. And the awful haircut looks a bit better than it did...so that?s all good.

I think it is going to be low key ? at the end of the evening, I plan to say something along the lines of ?I really enjoy the time we spend together, and I wonder if you?ve ever thought about whether there is more to this than friendship, because I?ve been wondering. I don?t want to do anything that puts our friendship at risk, because it?s very important to me, but I would certainly be up for trying a date, rather than a friendly get together, if you would be.? So plenty of wiggle room but suitably direct that it can?t be misinterpreted ? and then if he says yes, I will suggest a date-style dinner before we go to the opera the week after next. If he says no, he says no, but at least it?s out there.

I?ve been weighing up the signs he may or may not be interested...he remembers details of what we have talked about, he definitely laughs at my jokes, teases me and finds what I say interesting, and we have masses and masses in common. We both love the same slightly obscure music and have the same taste in books. That said, he loves diving and hell would have to freeze over before I put on a wetsuit and diving mask, and he has a cat and cats make me sneeze.

I?m not sure about body language ? he smiles and looks directly at me, but I don?t think he has ever touched me apart from the usual hello and goodbye kiss. He?s not seeing anyone else. But he has several female friends who he speaks to in a similar way. I don?t think he spends nearly as much time with any of them, but I?ve been slightly engineering the situation over the last few weeks.

He does email me out of the blue, but not consistently, and he can be quite functional and to the point in his replies ? and he doesn?t seem able to pick up on my (admittedly quite oblique) hints about things we could do together. Sometimes he does, but sometimes he doesn?t ? I am sure if I ever said ?why don?t we do xx?? he would say yes, and indeed he does, but he doesn?t always take an opening and make the suggestion. He did mention the France trip again when I last saw him ? no mention of the other friend coming but perhaps he thinks that goes without saying.

And, of course, he has never made a move of any kind!

Anyway, none of that is very interesting ? I?m just trying to do a list in my own mind to try and convince myself that the balance of probabilities is that I should go for it on Sunday...

There you go, MN supporters. I will let you know how I get on. I think I?m brave enough. What?s the worst that can happen?

OP posts:
BetterWithCheese · 21/08/2013 17:04

Good luck, Lucy! I think that sounds like a good way to say it to him, as you say clear but not a declaration of everlasting love.

claudedebussy · 21/08/2013 17:49

yes!! perfect. his 'wow' is very encouraging. i do think you have to try or you'll regret it.

AndMiffyWentToSleep · 21/08/2013 18:53

Ooh I have everything crossed for you!

DizzieDuck · 21/08/2013 19:30

Good Luck OP sounds like you are definitely doing the right thing and that way to approach it sounds right.

kalidanger · 21/08/2013 19:39

Marks place again Wink

mamamidwife · 21/08/2013 20:18

Sounds like a plan, be brave & good luck Smile

MrsMinkBernardLundy · 21/08/2013 20:58

Smile good luck

MinginInTheRain · 21/08/2013 22:13

marking place shamelessly.

good luck Lucy - fortune favours the brave!!

MrsHoolie · 23/08/2013 00:02

Good luck....I'm excited about this and this thread is on my 'watch' list!

LookingForwardToVino · 23/08/2013 00:06

Good luck!!!!

I fell for my best friend four years ago. Our daughter is 6.5 months and we are getting married next year.

It is THE most loving and positive relationship I have ever had (not just saying that because he sometimes looks on here Wink )

Rooting for you op!!!

MummyBeerest · 23/08/2013 00:32

Good luck OP!

Have a great time!

Jaynebxl · 24/08/2013 07:42

Oo it's tonight isn't it? Good luck OP!

TexMex · 24/08/2013 08:45

Anyone else waiting for an update today?! Fingers crossed...