came across a few interesting texts, now what?

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

Been married to dh for 7 years in August and have 2 young dc. As far as I was aware all was ok, life has been hard work with 2 little ones but I assume this is normal.
Then last night dh had left his phone on charge while he showered (he's usually very attached to it) and as I went passed he received a text. It flashes up who and the message, I see its a woman (whose name I've never heard him mention). Message said something along the lines of I hate it when we talk and everyone is watching. Do I hsd a quick look at his messsges. Only had a few minutes but looked pretty friendly all texts ending in kisses, there were also similar from another woman.

I have never gone through his phone before. What the hell do I do now?! If I confront him I show I've been through his phone and don't trust him (which before last night I did)

Any ideas on how I get any more evidence?

He's a piece of work isn't he. Good luck houmous, you sound very strong and you are doing brilliantly.

glad you had a good eveningx

Just read the thread from start to finish, and de-lurking to wish you all the luck in the world houmous x

Good luck. Go as quick as you can with any settlement while he's still in shock and feeling guilt. Prick.

Good luck OP...

You are amazing, stay strong. You and DC deserve so much more than him.

Well bloody done, houmous :D

COME ON bloody results!
It's been 12 days (can take up to 14), I just need this final piece of info then I can just do this.

Tired today after a busy day at work yesterday (spoke to soon on Saturday!). Found myself doubting I'd do it last night, but I think that was just the tiredness talking.

Have just written an agreement up for him to sign. I know this holds no legal weight (but I doubt he would know that!), but does say what day he moved out (and why "unreasonable behaviour with other women whilst married"), that I continue to care for the kids and access is only by prior arrangement with me. Also said a figure for child maintenance is to be agreed.

Thanks again to all mums netters helping me through x

You have shown an amazing steely instinct for putting your DC and (finally) yourself first. I wish you all the luck in the world x

Good luck for your test results and for dealing with you dh and getting him out. You can do this!

loved your post saying how you can't let your DCs grow up thinking the OH treatment of you is acceptable.That is truly a brilliant gift you are giving them, not to let anyone belittle/disrespect them.
they are very lucky to have a mum like you.
keep strong, you will be fine. my family sound a lot like yours :(
I have now been a single mum 8 years, it is hard,no doubt.But I have such peace now.
good luck, keep posting.

Just spoke to sti clinic, no results until Wednesday

Then this morning I've had work on my case, as a client made a complaint about me (unjustified in my opinion). Bosses not really defending me either. No doubting myself over it. It's nothing major and I would normally just brush it off (basically I couldn't contact the person, but they are saying I didn't even try!)

I think it's just exhausting me. Been really tearful. Had a nap earlier while DD did, hopefully after an early night I'll feel better.

Maybe it's for the best I didn't get results today, I need to be firing on all cylinders when I chuck him out.

Just got text from sti clinic "the results of your tests are ok"

I've been doubting myself all morning. Things are good between us at the moment (although I'm holding a lot back from him), Christmas is just over 2 weeks away. Because I'm checking his emails I've seen he's buying me presents (not that it's a reason to stay but shows he cares) and my kids are so happy.
I've not written a single Christmas card or got him anything as I thought he'd be gone but I not sure I can do it now. After all, I've no concrete evidence as sti clear.
Can I really rock the boat right now?
I've kept it in for this long, why not a few more weeks?
I'm a blubbering mess. Feel like I need abit more then my antidepressants this morning.

You must be relieved about the results.

As for the presents - he is really trying to manipulate you isn't he?

I would focus on yourself and stop thinking about him, what he is up to etc.

He is not nice. He does not treat you with respect. If he was your DDs H and she stayed you would weep for her. He is making you depressed. You can't stay with him.

However, I get that the kids are oblivious, love their dad and it's nearly xmas. So tell him you are done. Tell him new year, new start. Let him stay until after xmas (spare room/sofa) and make plans for explaining together to the kids and for him to move out in Jan.

Surely he will put the kids first and agree if you make it clear this is a statement not a discussion?

Firstly sorry today is going to be lots of random rants, my mind is all over the place!

MissScarrerbrain I should be relieved about results. But I'm not, I wanted them to be my fact, my black and White, not this dark grey and cream.
Because I have no real proof he's dtd. I mean proof he arranged to meet women, but no proof they actually met (and had sex). With the original 'woman' I have quotes from text like
"if we go cinema will we see any of it tho?"
"yeah but it's abit awkward in a car.. Lol x "
"because then we can christen it ha ha x" "
"it's been nearly a year since I first kissed... " (couldn't get anymore as on spotlight search)
"where would you have your hands"
"but you would still shag me?"

There's lots of texts arranging to meet (with her and others) but none that say last night the sex was...

They are suggestive of, but don't confirm.

I'm starting to feel why should I have to 'put a face on' for Christmas. There has to be consequences for his actions, right?
I'm lucky the kids are really young. DD would notice if he was there or not and although DS loves him, he's very distracted by Xmas at the moment and we have a busy schedule of festive things without DH (toddler group Xmas parties, meeting with friends etc)
I mean why should I waste money on Christmas presents on that man? Come January when I'm on my own that money will be needed.

I think I will make the spare room up as back up.

I know he won't be back from work until after the kids are in bed, so I think I've at least got to get this out there

Hummous you don't need "concrete evidence" - you've seen all the emails ans texts etc where he is hooking up with many other women.

You don't need to justify yourself to him defend yourself to him, explain yourself to him - you don't have to do any of that. It's over for you due to his constant and repeat philandering. Enough said.

Think of this - you enver even have to argue with him or confront him and listen to his lies, ever again.

When I ended with X I couldn't face a row (we'd had so many). I knew it was over and there was no negotiation to be done. I simply said," this relationship is over. You know why, I know why, there is nothing further to discuss and you need to move out.".
You could do that. Have a bag packed. He knows what he has done. You know some of what he has done. You don't need to prove anything to him - HE KNOWS.

I did it nearly a year ago. It's been a great year. Not without challenges but life is like that anyway. Living apart from a negative head fuck of a partner is pretty much totally awesome!!

You can do it - you've got it all in place. Keep going.

I've just opened the emails, as it hadn't occurred to me they weren't for me! But they are (unless his ow is my size and has my exact tastes, and I know the work one/s are young and slim!)

I don't intend on rowing. My plan is to say I've had the test results and I'm going to ask him one last time if he's slept with anyone else. I'm 80% sure he will deny, so I will hit back with the christening of cars, cinema meet ups etc.
I guess I need to accept at the very least it was EA. Which is enough isn't it! I mean I'm the one who should be getting naughty texts etc. I guess. Just see the insertion of dick the physical act of breaking my marriage.

Feeling such a fool.

You do not need "evidence". His disrespectful behaviour is enough for you to decide to end the marriage.

You can divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour anyway.

I know I can (have researched, cab etc) MissScatterbrain

I've just got my pretty butterfly top to wear for when he comes home and I tell him. Why you ask (apart from that I think I'm going crazy!), because 1 I want him to see me looking good as I end it, see what he's let go and 2 butterflies are a sign of new life.

The funny thing is, he always goes on about how I don't do confrontation. This is true, I hate disturbing the peace. But tonight I am going to be ms confrontation. The kids will be in bed, so no raised voices.

I cannot keep this in anymore, it's making me I'll and you know what, Im not the one whose done wrong in the first place. I (and the kids) are the victim, why should he walk around with his head held high.

I'm also bricking it at the same time!

I'm glad you're still planning on ending it. None of the 'proof' stuff matters at all - to most people, those texts would be ample 'evidence' - bottom line, he's unfaithful, dishonest, awful.

All you would actually need to say is that you simply don't want to be married to someone who thinks it's ok to send stuff like that to other women. And shrug your shoulders. Let him start with his litany of excuses and justifications and 'ahh but you see I didn't ACTUALLY shag anyone, it was just BANTER blah blah' - and again, you just shrug and say fine, I don't want to be with someone who banters like that. I simply don't want you anymore, you know and I know that you are basically as bent as a three-pound note when it comes to fidelity and I simply don't want YOU anymore.

That's really, really enough. His behaviour makes you miserable, and you want to be happy instead, either alone or with someone who has the same ideas on fidelity as you.

It's all a game to him, you see. He KNOWS he's cheating!!! He's not stupid. It's a game when you catch him - can he get off on a technicality? Why don't you just cut through the crap and say - 'You're a problem. I don't want you anymore.'

good luck my love. Just that x

This wouldn't need to be about whether he's slept with anyone else if this were my marriage.

Those in a marriage have the right to decide where their boundaries are and to expect their partner to remain within those boundaries, if they can't, they ARE being unfaithful and showing that their own wants are more important to them than their partners needs. If that's acceptable to them to do then how far over that boundary they go is only down to how far they are prepared to go and bares no relation to the needs of the partner that they've already trampled all over.

Well I've got to tell him I know now, have transferred a large amount of our joint savings into my current account (as it's mostly my contributions, and he's taken more out then put in). Won't go through until tomorrow, but he will see if he looks on his bank app on his phone.

Glad I did it though, it was surprisingly easy (just said it was for a house purchase), if he wanted to be nasty he could have done the same. My justification is I'm protecting what is mine (inheritance from my dad)

So in about an hour I am telling him. I can't tell you if he will still be here in the morning.

Will keep you posted x