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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does anyone live with a grumpy partner, if so how do you manage it?

82 replies

atrcts · 20/07/2013 21:09

My partner has slowly become more grumpy and short with me, for no apparent reason. He will sometimes apologise when he's been really over the top, but always does it again soon after, making the apology meaningless to me. Its as though its an excuse to give himself permission to behave how he likes (he thinks he can just apologise afterwards and all will be ok).

When I talk to him I am ignored so much of the time. I repeat the question which can make him snap at me, or tell me he was busy concentrating and thats why he didn't reply. But often he is 'concentrating' on mundane tasks that require no though, like buttering toast or washing up some cups at the sink, so I don't buy it. If I tell him this, he says "fine" in a really dismissive way, and nothing changes.

I'm fed up with how he talks to me. When I call his name from the other room he snaps "WHAT?". If I ask him to help me with something he makes it clear he doesn't appreciate being asked, and will often say he's too busy at the moment, then will 'forget'.

I feel that it is a waste of time sharing anything with him because he never remembers it, and will often ask me about it a day or two later, as though I had never shared the information in the first place. I am fed up of repeating myself and am feeling like the invisible woman!

But he's been very ill recently and is on some very toxic long term therapy, which apparently can alter the mood. So that makes me feel a bit cruel to expect more from him than this, although I remind myself that he was like this before getting ill, its just that getting ill made it worse than it had been.

So... I am interested if anyone lives with an ignoring misery-guts and if so, how on earth you get through the day without getting affected or infected by it? I try to rise above it but eventually become snappy myself because I am so sick of it!

OP posts:
Hassled · 20/07/2013 21:14

I'm not surprised you're sick of it - he sounds bloody awful.

I'm guessing he manages to not be a grumpy arsehole to his boss or the bloke in the shop? Am I right in thinking he saves it up all for you? If so - it's quite deliberate on his part and there are no excuses.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 20/07/2013 21:14

Me. He's not miserable all of the time, but he has grumpy days. I used to try to shake him out if it, persuade him to join family days etc. Now I just leave him in front of the telly and go off with ds for the day. He's usually ok by the next day.

It drives me mad but isn't that often,, hence why i put up with it. How often does your partner do it?

atrcts · 20/07/2013 21:15

And its worth noting that I know for sure he is not cheating, we see far too much of each other and rarely are apart except when at work (busy bringing up 2 kids) !

OP posts:
Ipsissima · 20/07/2013 21:16

Honestly? well I divorced mine Grin
(but it did take a decade or three)

atrcts · 20/07/2013 21:19

Hassled - you're right, he's nice to everyone else. The trouble is, he even admits that he uses up all his 'nicety' at work, and by the time he is home, he has "nothing left to give" as he is so exhausted.
ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged He is like this every day, but has a few moments where he will make a joke or give me a quick peck on the lips in passing, and is much more open to sharing HIS thoughts than mine. He's quite selfish that way unfortunately.

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atrcts · 20/07/2013 21:19

Appreciate your honesty Ipsissima!

OP posts:
SnoopySnoopyDoggDogg · 20/07/2013 21:21

I do, it gets me down and I don't really know how or why I put up with it. Sometimes he's lovely but most of the time he's grumpy verging on plain rude. He never used to be like it and I'm sure isn't at work but has started being grumpy with his and even sometimes my family too.

Sorry I can't offer any advice, if I had any I'd have taken it myself by now! Hope things improve for you though.

atrcts · 20/07/2013 21:27

Nice to know I'm not alone, and that I'm not the only one struggling to find my way through SnoopySnoopyDoggDogg, and I wish you the very best too.

OP posts:
changechangechange · 20/07/2013 21:30

I left mine. Life is too short to be anyone's whipping girl.
(In my case, it was part of a wider pattern of ex's abusive behaviour.)

atrcts · 20/07/2013 21:32

changechangechange sorry to hear that. Would you say this is the same situation despite the "wider pattern of abusive behaviour" you were subjected to?

OP posts:
purrpurr · 20/07/2013 21:39

My DH grew up in a house of all men and one woman (his mum). The woman was routinely told she was exaggerating, was ignored, was told to shut up if deemed to be too 'lively' etc. Every now and then my DH tries to treat me like this so I give him it back in spades. I copy the tone of voice, the turn of phrase used, if he has ignored me I ignore him entirely. He immediately gets the message and stops.

If he didn't get the message, I wouldn't be with him anymore.

changechangechange · 20/07/2013 21:45

Honestly? I think there is something inherently disrespectful about someone feeling it's justified to "use up all their niceness" at work and therefore have none left for their partner. I know the feeling he means - I'm an introvert and when I get home from dealing with people all day, I'm exhausted and would prob find it easiest to sit alone in silence, but I - and every decent person - would pull myself together and be make an effort to be nice to my partner, at least most of the time. I don't want to project, but I do consider that kind of 'emotional punchbag' approach to be a small red flag.

He's dismissive of how it makes you feel. He forgets things on purpose to get out of doing them. He's not interested in your thoughts. He's not sounding much of a catch, tbh.

My ex had a tough job, I got that he came home having absorbed a lot of stress and aggression. But I was a person too, and I didn't deserve to have that taken out on me. The same goes for you - no context makes this behaviour ok, esp over a prolonged period.

The point with an abusive rship was that there would be no point in trying to negotiate, so I left. If demonstrating just how serious this is to your partner would kick his arse into gear, then perhaps yours is worth salvaging - only you can know. Good luck. x

Twinklestein · 20/07/2013 21:51

Was he always like this, or is just since this treatment?

Feeling ill can make you really ratty & unreasonable...

Damnautocorrect · 20/07/2013 21:55

I have no suggestions but watching the thread. Normally my ds says something to him and then he'll turn to me and go "am I being grumpy?", to which I reply yes. He apologises mulls it over and I normally get, "I'm really sorry, I'm worried about x, y or z".
It doesn't make it right but at least I can understand why he's being a grumpy bum.
But it's very hard, I've had bags packed before because of it

lifesgreatquestions · 20/07/2013 21:56

My ex was so grumpy! Stomping around, slamming doors, annoyed if I spoke, spoke to me like I was a child, after a few years of treading on eggshells around him and his behaviour becoming less respectful I finally told him he just couldn't continue to be angry everyday, that wasn't an ok way to expect me to live. He tried. It didn't last. In the end I had to leave. With my ex I suspected depression, and he did recently (we keep in touch) say that he doesn't think life is about being happy. He's married with kids and I feel for them.

atrcts · 20/07/2013 22:22

PurrPurr - that's an interesting way of dealing with it. I am not sure if I can treat him the same way he treats me and feel like I am being true to myself (will potentially feel like I'm being someone I'm not)! But I think it is worth a go if it will get the message across.
ChangeChangeChange Thanks for your comprehensive reply and for clarifying to me that I am not being super-sensitive, and that I do actually have a good reason for feeling like this! It's surprising how, when things creep up slowly, it can be all too easy to accept each little "extra" unpleasantness.
Twinklestein He slowly became this way over time, actually noticed it when about 2 years ago I was very ill with an incurable disease and lost a lot of my independence. When I was diagnosed I offered him a way out, as I didn't want him to feel trapped, but he said he wanted to stay with me no matter what. Only the more I lost my freedoms the less he seemed to rate me, and now I feel like an unattractive (uninteresting) SAHM who lives under this roof and doesn't get out much anymore :(
I'd say it got worse when he became ill this year. Having said that, I don't know how long he was ill for as his symptoms gradually became worse (was not obvious for a long time) until he was hospitalised when it was VERY acute. And then he was more cranky and tired.
Damnautocorrect Interesting that you're situation is similar in that they have a degree of 'self awareness' but it doesn't seem to change anything!
lifesgreatquestions He's not an angry stomper or door-slammer, more just detached and distant, and short with his tone of voice, as well as dismissive of anything I say. I've often thought he's very absorbed in his own selfish existence and sometimes feel like I am there to be picked up and put down according to how much I am required for his needs that day!

OP posts:
sandiy · 20/07/2013 22:35

You sound miserable.What about the children are they directly effected?Is he disrespectful to you I front of them?If he is I would seriously consider my options,your children learn how to behave in relationships from their parents relationship would you want your son behaving like his father or your daughter thinking such behaviour is normal within a marriage.I can t believe how long I tolerated this sort of thing in my marriage.I tried almost everything and got more and more worn down then I gave up.I just stopped trying to anticipate moods divert attention try harder be better,it's very liberating.Of course I'm a lone parent now but in all honesty a better parent for it.As for my ex he has got a much younger more compliant girl friend and I suspect is much the same.

MrsReacher · 20/07/2013 22:45

My exh was very similar to how yours sounds. He had always been a bit short tempered but the last few years we were together it was a permanent state. What rings true with me though was the being ignored. Nearly every time I would speak to him he would immediately snap back what, forcing me to repeat myself. it sounds trivial put like that but it was actually really hard going and had a bad effect on my self esteem.

I am still convinced he was depressed after losing his mum,which is why I stuck it for so long, but I asked him over and over again to go to the doctor but he would not. Over time I actually felt like I was depressed to be in my own home and I used to get a sinking feeling when I pulled up onto the driveway. The saying misery breeds misery is very true imo.

Since we split last year I have felt happier and more relaxed than in years

atrcts · 20/07/2013 22:57

Sandiy I've thought exactly the same about the kids. Not only do I want them to have good role model for how to treat a woman, but I also would want to spare them the heartache of trying to be listened to a disinterested and self absorbed person.

MrsReacher I totally get hate har you're describing with the forced to repeat yourself thing, it's not trivial and is quite frustrating. If he doesn't listen I sometimes refuse to repeat it but of course it only means my voice is silenced as he is not the one being ignored, I am!

I wouldn't say I dread pulling into the driveway but I don't feel overjoyed by the prospect either, and certainly find I am more relaxed on my own, but my sister tells me all men get under their partners feet and most women breathe a sigh of relief when they finally go to work for the day!?!?! When people comment like that I feel as though I'm making a mountain out of a molehill...

OP posts:
NoisesOff · 20/07/2013 23:04

OP I feel for you, I really do. I posted something vaguely similar under a different username ages ago and was slightly alarmed by how many replies were along the lines of "My ex was like that - note that I say ex".

My DH isn't a very sunny soul by nature and I don't think anyone has ever pulled him up on his pervasively grumpy manner until I did. So he just doesn't see it's a problem. Or - more usually - he justifies it by saying he's tired. So I say that we all get tired but that doesn't give us the right not to be vaguely friendly to our partners. I spend my life waiting for the next little thing to go wrong which will trigger an hour-long sullen mood in him. I hate, hate, hate it. I hate the kids seeing it. But apparently it's not a problem.

atrcts · 20/07/2013 23:09

Noisesoff I get the "I'm tired" excuse all the time too. I also noticed how many ex's are discussed in comparative stories Shock

Do you feel you're enough of an antidote for the kids or is that an added pressure (trying to undo his damage to them as well as you all the time)?

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 20/07/2013 23:13

My EX was/is like that.

Yes, I left the bastard, life is too short to feel that way.

The ignoring was the worst.

NoisesOff · 20/07/2013 23:15

Atrcts well I try, but I probably go overboard with the perma-cheer and so they'll grow up thinking I'm bonkers.
Sorry you've got a similar problem.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 20/07/2013 23:17

Does he also speak to the children like this? Sounds like a real grind to live with.

Twinklestein · 20/07/2013 23:42

Oh well if he's been slowly getting worse over time, it can't be blamed on his illness...

Are you still ill? Or did he just never click out of how he was when you were?

I recognise your description of illness from having been ill when I was younger (debilitatingly but not seriously): people do slightly dismiss you as somehow having failed or being broken, counting less than people who are well... you become part of the furniture like a public leaning post that's in the way... so that's not just your husband that was my experience too. Except that was from my family & some friends, I wasn't married then, it would be devastating to have a spouse treat one so.

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