Does anyone live with a grumpy partner, if so how do you manage it?

[atrcts]

My partner has slowly become more grumpy and short with me, for no apparent reason. He will sometimes apologise when he's been really over the top, but always does it again soon after, making the apology meaningless to me. Its as though its an excuse to give himself permission to behave how he likes (he thinks he can just apologise afterwards and all will be ok).

When I talk to him I am ignored so much of the time. I repeat the question which can make him snap at me, or tell me he was busy concentrating and thats why he didn't reply. But often he is 'concentrating' on mundane tasks that require no though, like buttering toast or washing up some cups at the sink, so I don't buy it. If I tell him this, he says "fine" in a really dismissive way, and nothing changes.

I'm fed up with how he talks to me. When I call his name from the other room he snaps "WHAT?". If I ask him to help me with something he makes it clear he doesn't appreciate being asked, and will often say he's too busy at the moment, then will 'forget'.

I feel that it is a waste of time sharing anything with him because he never remembers it, and will often ask me about it a day or two later, as though I had never shared the information in the first place. I am fed up of repeating myself and am feeling like the invisible woman!

But he's been very ill recently and is on some very toxic long term therapy, which apparently can alter the mood. So that makes me feel a bit cruel to expect more from him than this, although I remind myself that he was like this before getting ill, its just that getting ill made it worse than it had been.

So... I am interested if anyone lives with an ignoring misery-guts and if so, how on earth you get through the day without getting affected or infected by it? I try to rise above it but eventually become snappy myself because I am so sick of it!

My ex was grumpy and negative a lot of the time, rarely angry but did shout on occasion. Never at me or in fact anything that I'd done but just being around that level of negativity got very wearing because I felt I could never be fully happy as I was too busy worrying if he was going to be grumpy or negative. It was probably the major factor in me leaving after 9 years. I just couldn't deal with it for another 4 decades.

My XH was grumpy

There was never any joy in anything from a beautiful flower in our garden to his Aston Martin

He was never pleased to see me, never really praised me or noticed any of the myriad of things I did to try and get him to notice me or seemingly even like me.

Thinking back the only time he became animated was when talking about work/himself at work and the only times he looked excited or laughy was over football.

In the last couple of our 17 years together I got therapy for myself and the scales fell at how self absorbed , miserable and quite cruel he had become

In the event he left me and along the way picked himself up an OW who he told me was helping him out of a very dark place . After the awful shock/heartbreak wore off I soon realised being free from constantly trying to make someone else happy and getting nowhere was a huge liberation.

From being on Mumsnet I discovered EA and reading up on it he fitted the bill and stuff fell into place.

Its funny his most attractive quality when getting to know him was his sense of humour which was brilliant and he was very quick witted. The trouble was it wasnt much fun being the constant butt of his jokes and comments.

If and when I ever approach being in a relationship again my number one priority will be a sunny, cheerful disposition

atrcts Relate offer email counselling. If you don't want to have to explain to your dp where you are going, then it might work better for you. If you're worried he would share with everyone then you wouldn't even have to tell him you had started counselling until you felt comfortable about how he would respond and who else he would tell.

Sorry but to answer your original question, I wouldn't live with someone this upsetting.

Life is too short to let yourself be chained to someone who makes you miserable.

MsFanackerPants You're right, it is quite an energy-sapper!
Comingintomyown Mine is pleased to see me if we've been apart a while, but that doesn't happen as often as it probably should (the being a part I mean, we're unhealthily living in each other's pockets, mostly due to ill health and certainly not through my choice). He's also very self-centred with information sharing and doesn't seem to listen or retain information that is not about him.
WinnieFosterTether What a great idea! OR even a phone consultation. I will explore that avenue definitely.
RooneyMara its easier to leave if its black and white acute emotional abuse, but when its subtle negativity then it makes it hard to grasp and hold up to the light and decide how bad it really is. But I agree that life is too short to put up with a miserable anything - in my case I am supposed to watch my stress as it can cause an MS relapse, so I really do have to watch what I am subjecting myself to!

Great update atrcts - very well handled. I hope that it's a turning point for you both.

By way of balance to the thread, I have a very grumpy but very lovely DH which is why I clicked on the thread title. DH is grumpy with so many things - grumpy with the Housing Association, grumpy with the Tube, grumpy with his colleagues at work, grumpy with the weather, grumpy with other people's parking and driving, grumpy with the government, grumpy with which table we get seated at in a restaurant, grumpy with the way that some titles have been printed different ways up on the paperbacks we own....! Just everything! I hum 'grump, grump, grump' to the tune of Nellie the Elephant sometimes, or call him Victor Meldrew.

But he is never, ever grumpy with me. He says he breathes a sigh of relief when he walks through the door and sees me. On very rare occasions when he tries to grump at me I usually make him laugh at himself 'OMG, you're so right, I put the washing on the wrong program! We're all DOOMED! This is the end of everything! We will remember this as the exact moment when our whole lives turned to shit.' or 'Hello? Can anyone hear me? Can anyone see me? HELP! I've become invisible, like that kid in 'Buffy'! Help me, I've vanished! But hang on, if he can't see me or hear me he won't know when I take this last chocolate...' He is a good kind man and he will laugh at himself. Or at least he'll laugh at my jokes.

If he didn't laugh with me, and if he was grumpy at me rather than at other people I would not put up with his grumpiness. Because his grumpiness is directed at everything that is outside of our family unit, I tend to find it amusing rather than upsetting. And I probably need a grumpy man to counterbalance my annoying Tiggerishness. I think we'd both be insufferable separately! But your DH taking everything out on you and being nice to other people is Not On. That's not just being a grumpy person, that's being mean.

Becscertainstar I did have to smile at your post! I really like how you handle the situation with humour - I might steal your idea of the invisible chocolate snatcher!

You do sound like a good match, kind of a "Jack Sprat and his wife" combo! Although my husband gets grumpy about external things (queues, rush hour, busy places, politics, etc) he doesn't actually take it out on anyone at the time, simply enjoys getting on his soap-box.
What is it about someone saying it is Not On to make me feel that I can fight my corner with more certainty?! I really do need to read me that assertiveness book as I'm feeling that I've been a bit spineless about it all really - time to change.

Hi atrcts, I also loved Bescertainstar's post! Her dh sounds so very like mine. He just about tolerates the rest of the world, but loves his wife and family ( especially his dd ) Our men ARE difficult, but it seems they have redeeming qualities. Again, it is about choice. I have decided I love my dh and want to be married to him. Other women have decided differently ( I am his third wife btw) I read your thread constantly for updates ( in a non stalkerly way :) )

Secretswitch - I will keep you informed!

Oops hit sent too early!
I wanted to add that, like you, I do love this man and want to stay with him, however I am fully aware that people can mistakenly live with their abusers thinking they're lovely people when they're not. If its a simple case of learning how to manage him then great! But if he doesn't change and gets worse, and worse if it affects the children, then that's a really urgent re-think situation. Still, one step at a time.

Something that I've always thought is that somehow 'I' am the reason that my dh is like this. I'm generally a very pleasant, easygoing person who just wants everyone to be happy. But I have blamed myself for dh being the way he is - he so obviously doesn't like me any more, if only I could get him to like me then he'd be happy & as a result I'd be happy too.

This is all rubbish though. I know I can't blame myself, but I do think that even though I know I'll be happier without him I'll be upset to think that he might find someone else that 'does' make him happy. I'd prefer to think he'll carry on being grumpy no matter what happens & eventually he'll realise that it was his personality that was the problem not me.

For those of you who have separated from your Mr Grumps, have they changed at all?

Roller I felt exactly the same , exactly .

My relief when odds and ends of information have filtered back to me that he is essentially the same in his attitude to the world at large has been immense.

I remember him having to come to our old house where I was still living about 6 months after he had left. As he was prime contact over some internet issue, he had to deal with it over the phone. He was his typical abrasive , rude self and I shuddered in the other room overhearing it all.

I think my feeling" I am the reason my DH is like this" was because he had done such a gradual job on making me feel like a lesser,stupid person and someone he was saddled with

Roller - my grumpy ex is def still grumpy and convinced the world is out to get him, yes. When I see it, I'm glad I'm out of there.

His current rship is about 3 years old now and it's impossible to judge from the outside, but it's v long distance so perhaps that helps!

It's a big relief to know I'm not the only one to go through this, it really is.

OP how are things going? Are you making any progress? How are you feeling about things? I honestly do hope you can make things work with your dh. I'm not sure of the solution to be honest but it would be nice to know that someone did know how to change things.

Let us know how you're getting on?

Some of these posts really resonated with me.

My dp doesn't have much joy. Like someone said upthread, he doesn't notice a beautiful flower, sunset, view and smile. When he walks he's got tunnel vision and is in his own world, thinking about what he needs to do.

He is very selfish. Never offers to make dinner. When I walk in the door with huge car seat and ds, 2 big bags he won't get up and help because he's working (sitting at a desk in living room).

If we have an argument, he will always name call. He called me mug and prick over minor things which really upset me.

When I arrange weekend days out, he's grumpy, never smiles. We went to a festival last weekend with live music and amazing food and children playing. I was making conversation but he'll either 'mm' back or silence.

He's not like this with anyone else, he's so animated with his friends and strangers. When his friends make plans, he'll run there. When I do he'll stall as much as possible or make us late as he obviously doesn't want to go. So I feel like he really doesn't like me much. I have a 7 month old and really don't want him to call me names or copy his dad.

He was abused as a child by his mother so I feel like I should look after him. I feel sorry for the child he was and want to wrap him up. But he really grinds me down, I feel down trodden a lot.

He also has a quick temper. While in labour I asked him to slow down over bumps (obv in a shouty-ish way as I was having awful contractions) he slammed the breaks on and yelled at me and made me cry.

He proposed to me recently and I don't know if I ever want to marry this man, my gut says no, my heart, yes. I do love him deeply but I don't feel like I'm in love with him anymore. I feel very distant, especially after the recent 'mug' thing and festival.

I don't really know why I posted but wanted to reach out to people who understood.

RollerCola it's early days yet, but he's been more apologetic if he doesn't reply (he has been the one to return to the topic rather than needing a prompt), so that's different.
The slight return to the old days has brought us a bit closer together, although I am aware that it could easily not last (bracing myself).

We've just had a little spat about how he's offered to help me out post partum, but is busy trying to organise himself (and our toddler) fun trips out without me, leaving me with the reflux baby (who requires hours of being kept upright or else screams in pain), and thereby compromising my ability to have a much needed sleep while he's out.

I really had to fight for my corner and tell him that he'd sold the idea to his boss of having extended time off to look after me health-wise, only to proceed to ditch me when I need a sleep in the daytime! And how that leaves it difficult for me to plan any external help (family or paid) because I never know whether he will be there for me or not - sometimes he is.

He was arguing that he can't be expected to look after me all the time, and I was trying to point out that every day he seems to ask me if I will be ok on my own, when he knows full well I am needing a sleep. All I had asked was for him to take his phone so I can call him back home if baby doesn't settle after an hour, but he hadn't listened and despite me repeating myself, had leapt off he deep end about how unreasonable my request is.

So I told him he is currently my biggest stress and that stress is really not going to help, and that I need to know where I stand so I can manage my illness appropriately. And I've left him holding the baby while I sneak off for an hour wondering if I am being a selfish mare or not

He has no respect for you that's why he is treating you so badly. I am so glad you stood up to him and gave him some of his own medicine which he noticed right away and told you he didn't like, well of course not but either do you. What we accept and don't accept shape our relationships, you've allowed him to get away with this really nasty behaviour so I hope you continue in your assertive vein and say enough is enough.

Having a partner should enhance your happiness and make life seem sweeter, doesn't sound like you're going to get much sweetness from him. Ensure you are there out of love for him and not some misguided notion that you should stay together no matter what.

That is not good enough - and you need your sleep for your neurological health, beyond the needs of the average new mum. He needs to step up to the plate there, or your health is going to get worse. :(

I am in a not dissimilar situation with my DH, who can often be very critical. I often find myself on tenterhooks, thinking that he is about to criticise me for something.

The other day I heard a song on the radio and even though the lyrics were a bit sad, the melody gave me that yearning upsurge of emotion.
Oh that longing to fall in love... Strangely, it was that that caught my heart, rather than longing to be loved myself.

It sounds like you're having a difficult time op, and the lack of sleep will make it even worse. I do think they need it spelling out though - dh & I had a 'where did it all go wrong' talk last night so I decided to tell him much of what I've said on this post - that he's so miserable & snappy all the time that I'm actually scared to say anything for fear of the backlash.

He was genuinely quite shocked. He said 'but I've never shouted at you or hit you, why are you frightened of me' I said it wasn't shouting or hitting that scared me, it was the general nastiness, the snapping at me, the lack of any 'niceness' whatsoever. I've never felt I could say what I really want to because the nastiness would get 10 times worse than it is when I'm on my best behaviour. If I'd ever snapped back he'd have made life even more hell so I kept quiet & just took it on the chin.

He seemed amazed, I do not think he has a clue how miserable he's made my life but I feel I now have a duty to tell him before he goes. It's too late for us but if it just makes him stop to think about himself or even saves someone else going through it then its worth it. I don't care about the backlash any more because I know he's going.

If you can do some serious talking op you may still be able to change things for the better. I wish you all the luck in the world, but remember that you BOTH need to want to make things work, you can't do it all by yourself. Take care x

Jan45 You make a valid point. My problem is that I DO love him, however I am also painfully aware that people can love the sort of people who are not good for their health, and I am trying to be objective about that part of it.
BranchingOut Thanks for understanding the neurological need. It makes me feel sad when someone else understands so easily, and the one person who I would look to really 'get it', actually doesn't. In the same way I can understand your heartache with the song. Sometimes this relationship makes me feel very much as though I am fighting life on my own, and that it is my family and close friends who are my support - often supporting me through the lack of hubby's 'support'.
RollerCola It is a hard lesson to learn but I completely agree with you that it takes two for change, one person can't do it alone. I'm sorry your man finally truly listened when it was too late.
I have ordered the assertiveness book online and if things slip back to 'normal' (in an unhealthy sense) I will contact Relate by phone, and then see from there where it takes us.

My husband behaved like this when he had MS. He used the MS to act as an excuse for him and I allowed that. I now realise it was no excuse for what is essentially abusive behaviour. I'd suggest couple counselling if you're both up for it. If not, perhaps you could get someone to talk to and help you sort out what you want to do. Because this simply isn't fair on you.

This thread is more than 13 years old....

Yes, The OP might be more than 13 years old, but every single word is an experience that many of us shared. It's not an experience specific to 13 years ago, many people are also experiencing it today and did 100 years ago and will do 100 years from now.

It's been really good for me to read back over this post because things got absolutely horrendous and we are now firmly divorced. It was absolutely the right decision, and I wish that I'd done it much earlier to spare myself and DC a lot of pain, heartache and trauma. Life is so much much better now without him, for all of us. And I've learnt so much about red flags and abusive relationships that I will never be the same again, in a good way. I now feel that my own company and independence is better than any relationship i would ever have, so I just simply don't bother to look.

We did go to couple Counselling, twice. Once in 2014, with relate, which made an improvement of a couple of months, but then very quickly went back downhill. In fact, I found the relate Counselling, extremely unhelpful as she sided with my now XH, sympathetic to his need for me to do more than I was doing, which was caring for a three-year-old and newborn, as well as doing all the housework, so he could do less when he gets in from work (considering I was in MS relapse with a new baby this was pretty unrealistic).

We then returned four years later to an independent counsellor that was a very good therapist, but XH refused to go after a while, and I think it was because therapist was good at their job and saw through him; kindly pointed out his gaslighting and generally held up a mirror that was unacceptable.

But by that time XH 's behaviour had deteriorated to the point that he was now engaging in illegal activity and there wasn't really any turning back after that. There's so much abuse of person can take and when it becomes starkly obvious there is no doubt about who is at fault here, it makes it easier to stand your ground.

So yeah, I'm free, and so are the children. We live- for the first time ever - in a home that I not only look forward to coming back to each day, but love living in and can finally call it a sanctuary.

@cscruttwell i'm sorry to hear about your husband's MS and I hope things are well with you.