Does anyone live with a grumpy partner, if so how do you manage it?

[atrcts]

My partner has slowly become more grumpy and short with me, for no apparent reason. He will sometimes apologise when he's been really over the top, but always does it again soon after, making the apology meaningless to me. Its as though its an excuse to give himself permission to behave how he likes (he thinks he can just apologise afterwards and all will be ok).

When I talk to him I am ignored so much of the time. I repeat the question which can make him snap at me, or tell me he was busy concentrating and thats why he didn't reply. But often he is 'concentrating' on mundane tasks that require no though, like buttering toast or washing up some cups at the sink, so I don't buy it. If I tell him this, he says "fine" in a really dismissive way, and nothing changes.

I'm fed up with how he talks to me. When I call his name from the other room he snaps "WHAT?". If I ask him to help me with something he makes it clear he doesn't appreciate being asked, and will often say he's too busy at the moment, then will 'forget'.

I feel that it is a waste of time sharing anything with him because he never remembers it, and will often ask me about it a day or two later, as though I had never shared the information in the first place. I am fed up of repeating myself and am feeling like the invisible woman!

But he's been very ill recently and is on some very toxic long term therapy, which apparently can alter the mood. So that makes me feel a bit cruel to expect more from him than this, although I remind myself that he was like this before getting ill, its just that getting ill made it worse than it had been.

So... I am interested if anyone lives with an ignoring misery-guts and if so, how on earth you get through the day without getting affected or infected by it? I try to rise above it but eventually become snappy myself because I am so sick of it!

I'm living in a very similar situation - very grumpy DP who often snaps when I ask him the simplest things. Think I'm noticing a lot more since the weather has been nice as sometimes we're in the back garden when he snaps and I wonder what the neighbours must think, plus don't want any children overhearing him swearing.

He is good at reflecting generally though, and often will (kind of) apologise afterwards saying he was tired or that I pushed his buttons somehow. Interestingly, like the OP's DP, he is also recovering from a serious illness and is on long-term drugs, but he was like this before he got ill! We've also had a baby this year, which has caused a fair few flashpoints (he was an utter nightmare in the first few months of pregnancy). Equally as annoying as the grumpiness is his (less frequent) over-excitement where he'll act a bit silly and make poor judgements.

How do I cope day to day? Firstly, he works away during the week so I have a fair amount of peace and quiet. However, this probably makes his moods worse as he resents the situation we're in and justifiably finds his life tiring and unsettling. I'm pretty independent and have good filters so ignore a lot of the snapping/shit he comes out with. I've also noticed that when he's at his most unbearable/unreasonable it's usually down to him not doing any exercise, so when that happens I send him out the door with his bike and tell him to come back when his mood has been adjusted.

Another possible reason for the grumpiness is his lack of self confidence/bitterness at his life (he's clever and well-educated but feels he's a bit of a failure and sets very high standards for himself).

I think I cop it the most, but have also seen him be horribly rude to his dad (who just pretends he didn't hear) and he can be brusque with strangers at times (is terrible at smalltalk and comes across as lacking manners)

Longer term, I don't know what will happen - he does have his good points too, but it does wear me down and am worried about DD growing up with this constant snapping going on. Am also a bit worried about the effects on his health - find myself constantly having to tell him to calm down and keep some perspective, eg when he gets angry because the traffic lights are red! I'm sure there's some sort of low-level depression lurking too, but getting him to face up to that is impossible.

My dh is really grumpy. To be fair, he is generally grumpy ie. he would be just as grumpy to the guy in the shop, though he is forced to make a effort at work in order to keep his job!!! He doesn't do the ignoring thing unless I call from another room, which I still find frustrating as you do want a acknowledgement that someone has heard or not (usually he hears but just doesn't acknowledge so there I am running upstairs to tell him something and he has actually heard me). In terms of your dh doing something when he ignores you, it is possible he is finding it hard to multi task or is lost in some dream world. I am like this, so can empathise, even with mundane tasks, sometimes I genuinely don't hear (cue grumpy dh to have a go at me).

Recently we went away on a birthday weekend which was a treat from my parents for my 40th and he managed to have a headache half the time. I think he gets anxious away from home, but it was really frustrating and I did have a go at him about it. With hindsight, I could have been a bit nicer about the way I brought it up, because he wasn't grumpy the whole time. Anyway, so I think you should say it's really getting you down, at a time when neither are you are in a bad mood!

You both sound really miserable and like your relationship isn't in a very good place. Maybe you need to prioritise each other a bit and try and do some things which will make you both happy. In terms of being a bit immune to him, try and do things which can get you out of the house/ away and which can boost your self esteem. I go to zumba and took up crochet, and it's certainly helped my tolerance levels!

Amberleaf you understand the ignoring well.
Noiseoff your reply raised a tired smile - I can see why you'd question how your kids view you, but I suspect they know exactly what is going on, kids are often much smarter than we realise! But I also recognise that while husband is in one ditch of extreme behaviour, I sometimes experience the same job as you of being the person who is in the opposite ditch!
Snazzyenjoyingsummer he takes it out on the eldest sometimes and I find myself diving in to rescue fair bit. The second child is a baby and so would never know (yet).
Twinklestein you really do know what that's like, don't you? You describe in absolute detail my existence! It was like having a cool refreshing sink to read your words because you fully understand it.
Did people change when you improved or are they still a bit like that towards you even now? I don't stand any chance of my condition improving as its Multiple Sclerosis which is incurable and degenerative
Eagleray yes your situation is very similar. I also experience the 'other side' of having to constantly undo/compensate for his immature choices and it's a real stress when it involves/impacts on our children.
I feel a bit envious that yours works away though, as I'm sure part of our problem is that we live in each others pockets, but that's terribly hard to change as I often can't get myself out and about when ill. Im sure that's part of the reason I put up with it, as u feel guilty that my illness impacts on everyone else (which I know is stupid, but it's the truth).
He's been awful to MY family recently, walking out on my brother while he visited and arguing with my parents (my mum called it throwing his toys out of the pram!) Both times he's apologised and backtracked but he doesn't behave like this with his own family.
I'd love to be able to send him out like you can with your partner! But he would never listen so it would be wasted breath.
But the hardest part of all is what you've said - they DO have their good points too, and I keep hoping the nicer side will win in theend, but im just not sure.

MerryMarigold I am amazed it's possible to not be able to hold a conversation while washing a cup or making toast! But I'm glad you told me, as it's certainly a different perspective.
I have tried to pick my moment with discussing it, but he goes into apology mode and nothing changes.
I agree we need to have more fun out and about - both together and independently - but the illness plays merry hell with that wonderful idea a lot of the time, so it's a bit hit and miss sometimes

My dh grew up with an abusive father. He ruled the family through threats and shouting. I always understood that dh was not warm and fuzzy. He can often be short tempered. I over looked many of his short comimgs as he usually managed to show his love in other ways. One day he absolutely lost control of himself. I insisted he leave the home. He was not allowed back to our home until he completed anger management and individual counseling. We completed a year of marriage counseling together.
He knows I will not tolerate disrespect or out of control behaviour. We have a good relationship. We love each other, but I know he will never be outwardly affectionate. I choose to live with that.

Secretswitch I note you describe how you chose to live with your other half even though he doesn't show affection, but am interested in whether his difficult behaviour improved (and stayed that way) after all the counselling? In other words, did the leopard change his spots?

This is fundamentally about lack of respect for you. If he's capable of controlling it at work, shouldn't he be able to control it even more so for you - the person he's supposed to love more than anyone else in the world?

Being at ease with your partner and knowing that they love you warts and all does not give you carte blanche to behave like a twat around them.

I have recently read a psychology book by Raj Persaud and he says that the grumpiness in older men over 40 is due to dropping testosterone levels. This can be helped but takes many tests to ascertain cause so unlikely to be on the nhs.

I have a few ideas because my partner can be grumpy at times, but isn't quite as bad as the ops partner. He doesn't shout at me or ignore for example but he can be in a bad mood and just say nothing.

I was getting into a habit of trying to kiss him out of it, or play happy families regardless, but inside I knew this was wrong, as I am a DV worker so I know that pandering to men isn't the answer.

What I did was speak out then and there. Ask him whether he was aware of the impact of his mood and if so, did he care? I to,d him he was either unkind or unintelligent. If he knew, why didnt he care? If he didnt know, was he unintelligent? I then said he was fine to stay like that but we would never live together cos I had enough of that frm an old boyfriend, whom I left.

I then went away.

To me the secret was not pandering, not holding my thoughts inside, and then getting awar to where I would be comfortable.

I would say don't pretend that wrong is right. This will teach the kids to put up with what is wrong. Can you say to him, each time, go away from us if you are going to be in this mood. Or can you get yourself and the kids away and say openly why you are going, to him and them.

He may change, he may not, but it can impact you and the kids less and at least you will have stood in h is face telling him what's what so he is clear that he is in the wrong and you are choosing to be elsewhere.

Let him also learn that even if he doesn't respect you, you respect yourself. X

atrcts, his behaviour did change after lots of counseling and hard work on his part. I know his abuse at the hands of his father has a huge role in his inability to express affection. He understands I will not tolerate any emotional or physical abuse towards me or our children. He does tell me he loves me. He tries to show me his love by doing things to make my life more comfortable. He also seems to enjoy my company.
Would you feel comfortable asking him to attend marriage counseling with you? We saw the therapist as a couple, and then on an individual basis.
My husband also copes with a chronic illness (diabetes) He has told me how angry he gets trying to manage his blood sugar and medication. He has a non healing wound that requires constant attention.
My heart goes to you. Difficult partners can be soul draining.

I left my soon-to-be-ex partner four weeks ago. We seemed to slip from red flags into an unhealthy/abusive relationship with the arrival of my first child, which came very swiftly after the sudden death of my mother. (too much going on, very little emotional support, zero sleep, very vulnerable - my husband would not even be relied upon to spend 20minutes alone with my baby, lest she would need to breastfeed and cause a 'difficult situation' for my dh.... my response was to try harder and harder). This was ten years ago. I have tried for ten years to just keep going, dh has remained grumpy and put upon at home, despite portraying the image of the ideal husband/father outside the home. Then one day he told me to shut the f*ck up, I held the red card, he went to the GP, got antidepressants and spent the next year bedding into the victim role, which ultimately validated his behaviour. Everything recently spiralled again and I ended up depressed. Then I took my own antidepressants which gave me some clarity. I woke up from my fog, realised I needed this grumpy manchild to leave my home. I told him and he has gone (so far, peacefully, with a sense of resignation).

Ultimately I have spent ten years of my children's most formative years trying to 'pretend what is wrong, is right' (somethingtosay I love that phrase). I wish I had got out much sooner, I have never felt so relaxed and so normal and so at ease in ten long years. I am more capable, a better mother, friend, daughter than I have been in ten years.

Nobody died. The kids are fine. It is ok to go under these circs. You and your ds deserve better than this.

Dahlen I agree it has to do with respect, and I must admit your post makes sense, although quite what to do to gain that from someone else is another matter. It seems to be a case of "respect me or I will walk". I am wondering if there is another way?

JustinBsMum your psychology book sounds interesting. He is in his early 40's so it might have to do with it, although it started in his late 30's for a few years... we might never know!

something2say I really like your approach and will try that, thanks. I think that, because it is so drip-drip-drip, it is easy to be more tolerant than if it were a sudden acute episode like a bolt out of the blue. "Extreme", is what I am trying to say.

Secretswitch Good to know it is possible that change can take place, as I hear so much people saying "a person never changes". Maybe they mean that more in the context of people trying to change their spouse. I wouldn't feel comfortable asking him to attend counselling but I would be prepared to do it if it was the last ditch attempt. Thanks for understanding what a drain it can be, it really really is.

SlipperySlip000 You really are right that pretending really isn't the answer. It is a theme that has run throughout so many people's responses on this thread, and it is really obvious now that everyone mentions it. Its crazy how easy it is to try to cover over the cracks without even stopping to think how unhealthy that is for everyone involved.

Interesting update:

I have been treating my husband like he treats me: ignoring him when he talks to me, giving one word, vague answers, generally not bothering with eye contact or niceties.

He asked me "can we make an effort to be nice to each other today?", so I replied that he can if he likes, and I will find my own way too. I told him it sounds like he is implying I am the one being horrible to him, but that i haven't said anything horrible to him.

He talked about an "atmosphere", and "hostility" and being ignored but not liking it. I pointed out I had been mirroring his behaviour to me and that I don't much like it either.

He looked very uncomfortable and said he accepts that, and will stop it. So today has been quite different, although how long it will last is of course another matter!

Mine can be like this, and so bloody nice to everyone else that most people think I am the Grumpy one and he plays up to that, really pisses me off when he is so grumpy with me and the kids but can hide it when round others. I've been referred for counselling for stress and depression recently and that seems to have got through to him and he is being nicer now. Don't know if it will last though.

Gosh this thread is very interesting - I'm another one whose dh has behaved like this for around the last 10 years. Before that he was fine, then we had the children & he just changed.

He has said himself he didn't like to 'share' me and once I was no longer giving him my full undivided attention (as we had children to care for) he changed & I now barely recognise him as the man I married.

He is very selfish & seems angry at everything. Nothing is ever right, and I do think he has some mental issues. He got much much worse 8 years ago when his dad died suddenly.

Like someone else said I've been treading on eggshells for years & some days I dread coming home because I never know how bad his mood will be. He's withdrawn all affection from me & some days barely speaks to me.

For years I've been trying to hold it all together. We've been to relate & I've made all sorts of excuses for why he's like this (he's also had health issues) but ultimately we've reached the end of the road. I've been making myself ill with the stress. Last weekend we agreed to separate & the relief I feel is enormous. I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off me.

He says he's unhappy in our marriage but doesn't seem to know what he wants. I know I'll be fine but I do worry about how he'll end up. I think he probably has a particular character trait that runs in his family, & he also had an abusive father early in life.

Sorry it's not a happy post but you must do what makes you happy. I've tried for nearly 10 years to change my dh, to get him to 'like' me. But I've given up, he's never going to change so I need to move on. I'm 39 and I still have time to make a new life.

Good luck with whatever you decide. Be strong xx

I've tried for nearly 10 years to change my dh, to get him to 'like' me. This sounds so familiar! I could have written it!

Op, your dh may change but please be alert to his new-found 'understanding' starting to slip.

I think it's difficult to fake respect longterm, also if your dp wanted to respect you then he could. He always had the option of treating you the same way he treated everyone outside of your home. I think sometimes we kid ourselves that the ignoring and lack of respect are accidental. The more I read about EA relationships, the more I think none of it is accidental at all.

It's taken me a long time to realise that I'm a people pleaser trying to please someone who doesn't ever want to be pleased by me.

Hold on to the thought that this is the relationship your dcs will replicate, and if it's not good enough for them, then it's not good enough for you. x

No advice, but I have a friend who lives like this, and it is miserable. We try and support her ( nobody says ltb in RL) and we notice how their son sometimes copies the dad's beaviour which is depressing. Mind you, her DP is angry as well aa grumpy.

I want to pluck up the courage to ask her " is this relationship working for YOU? If you were single and met him, would you like him? Is this the best life youcan live? What does this do to your lovely son?"

But not sure that would be supportive, actually maybe " stirring"

Can you discuss with any real life friends? Who know him and you better than us MNers?

Mid life crisis????

You know sometimes I do think it is me, even though I know better. Especially in the early years with dh, I used to think..if I could only find the right way to BE, he might like me better. Intellectually I knew this was silly thinking. I knew I was a decent loving woman, but I just felt like I could not find the right key with him..iykwim?
Counseling helped me sort through me own insecurities. My therapist was wonderful assisting me in sorting out the negative self talk. We still have a most imperfect marriage, but I have made my peace with it.

Harryhairypig I can relate to you being seen as the grumpy one. Because I can be honest to a fault, I don?t always try and hide from everyone and so probably come across as being picky about him. Its that old adage; you get kicked under the table so you retaliate with a punch over the table and unfortunately that?s all that people see!

RollerCola I?m sorry for your situation. I can understand why you?d leave because kids are pretty knowing and they?d soon get wind of the fact they?re resented like that. Another common theme to this thread seems to be how people try to old things together (understandably) for decade(s). I?m glad you find a weight has lifted.

CottonWoolCandy I appreciate your caution and will be wary. I unfortunately can be a people pleaser to those I love closely, and am interested in the point you make about people not wanting to be pleased? Part of the problem I seem to have here is that there is a level of selfishness I have not met in a relationship before, so you?d think being with a ?people-pleaser? would tick their boxes as it increases their chance of getting what they want all the time.
It is a scary thought that my children could replicate this though. Really sobering.

Parmarella Again, your observation of your friend?s children imitating their Dad is a concern. I have discussed this with close members of my family, in little bits here and there, usually as each episode come up and leave me wanting to know if I am being a little overly sensitive or not! The general feeling is that my husband is being unreasonable but that no relationship is perfect, and that I just need to enjoy my own corner of the universe independently of him if he?s going to be a misery-guts. But they certainly don?t approve of his behaviour even though they?re quite forgiving towards him. Having said that, my Mum gave a warning shot recently, saying if he wouldn?t support me then SHE would, and I could go over there with the kids for as long as I wanted. That was in response to a particularly difficult event though, not the normal run-of-the-mill daily problems of being ignored/tutted at/generally distanced from etc.

Faulkernegger Could well be. Hope not though, as usually that involves all kinds of craziness: erratic behaviour, spending, and affairs spring to mind!

Secretswitch I can totally relate to that. I am a bit the same, which is why I seek out close family to check I am not being the one at fault/imbalanced about it all. I think it makes it harder because its a whole bunch of little things, rather than one glaringly obvious huge problem (not that I am wishing that upon myself though!). I had considered counselling to work out how best to deal with him, but the trouble is he doesn't keep my secrets and would tell everyone people that I wouldn't want to know! Also that could be a difficult hour each week: "See you later Honey, am off to talk about how I can cope with you as you're so difficult"!!!!
Whenever I've faced him up to how he's being, he's been mortally wounded and made out I am the unreasonable one, nagging him to give what he can't possibly offer, etc etc. I think I'd do well to read the subject of emotional abuse actually.

Can I just thank you all for joining me in this topic. You've raised some good points and it's comforting in a strange way to hear other people's stories that I can relate to.

That's a very interesting update, atrcts. So either

a) he has just never been aware of how bad it feels to be on the receiving end of this behaviour, or

b) he has, but just never imagined it would be served back to him - effectively, thinking it is ok for him to do this (because he's tired, busy, important, ill, etc) but not for others to do it to him. That suggests an endemic lack of respect for you.

If you can keep that experiment going where you mirror his behaviour, it'll be interesting to see where it goes in the next few weeks.

Have you read any Anne Dickson? She is great on assertiveness. I like A Woman in Your Own Right and also Difficult Conversations, which covers marital conversations about being unhappy. Not squarely about EA but I think you'd get something out of them.

Oh atrcts, I am so sorry this is happening to you. I did laugh at your " bye darling, off to therapy to learn coping methods" Could you not just say you want to seek help dealing with your own difficulties? Take the focus off you? Definitely get some reading material on EA. I wish I could make a recommendation but it's been so long I can't remember any titles. I'm certain someone here knows of a quality book.
Please know you are not at fault. He is choosing his own behaviour. You can choose your reaction to his behaviour. My therapist taught me I have the ability to make decisions about our relationship.
I am sending lots of hugs to you..

Snazzyenjoyingsummer you word it well! I am not sure whether it's 1 or 2 of your choices, but will definitely try to continue the experiment to see what happens. Thanks for the book info, I've just googled it and found Amazon sell it so getting a copy will be a cinch

Secretawitch your support is valued. Amazing how people I have never met in person can make a difference! I know there is truth in what you say about chosing my behaviour, it's simply trying I learn the wisdom of which options are available (best) to me - this is another learning curve!