Dating - The Thread. Come and Share Care and Cheer!

[AWarmFuzzyFuture]

The Rules

1. Develop a thick skin;
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon;
3. It's all BS until it actually happens;
4. Trust your gut instinct;
5. People vanishing, lying and being generally weird to you are not your fault
6. They should be trying to impress you
7. If it's not fun, stop

Sorry Bant. Slap on the back from me too. I never quite understand the i want more thing people say.

bant

'I never quite understand the i want more thing people say.'

hmm, could be a kind of 'I want more control, I want to keep you on the back foot always feeling insecure, always feeling you'll never be quite enough for me'

(yes, I am ever the cynic)

Ok 4th date last night, dinner and Dinner, was good but weird as first time/person since 13 years with STBXH!! I didn't have the exclusivity talk and know he has been on POF as I was on there this morning and he popped up as being online.

He has texted this morning and always seems expected that we will see each other again but due to work/kids etc we don't seem to make a plan for next date until few days after the last. Stupidly went online and have now been chatting to a guy who also seems lovely. I assume a date now would be a bit dodgy for my conscience but equally he doesn't seem like he feels/wants something committed just yet otherwise wouldn't he have said something to me about seeing other people?! Not sure what to do now!

I think it can be that Mercury but I also think wanting more is a legitimate state in a relationship. I spent most of my 20s in a relationship where we made each other 85% happy but both knew we wanted "more", what ever that is. I think if you're with someone and actively thinking "I think there's more out there" it isn't going to work -even if ultimately that's your problem not theirs--. The problem is I also think some people have unrealistic expectations of what "more" may look like.

Porridge what made you want to go online the morning after Dinner? I wouldn't expect an exclusivity talk after the first time, but maybe that's just me. Personally I'm not sure I'd want to limit myself by agreeing to that after the first time anyway. You're four dates in, you're still sniffing around each other, that doesn't mean you have to be sniffing other people either, but it does mean you cannot say what is going to happen or what you want. But I am curious as to what you were hoping to get out of POF this morning?

I was accused of 'wanting more' not an expression I ever use. I wanted what we had but to be made to feel secure and appreciated. Obviously it was too much to ask.

Porridge, I think a good way to look at it is how would you feel if the tables were turned?

(I should practice what I preach!!)

Sorry Bant

I know T I would feel weird tbh.

ALittleStranger I'm not at all sure why I went on, had an email to say I had some messages and kind of thought well I know he is still on there so I will have a look. Makes me sound a bit hmm I know but I tend to get emotionally involved too quickly and figured it may help me to keep a decent perspective?! I have spent last 10 years in an EA marriage so have a fair few insecurities and felt like I was un-dateable, am I making sense?!

I take my hat off to you Bant for being so brave, I don't think I would be capable of that kind of courage. She's a daft bint and I hope she comes to her senses very soon.
Whatever the man equivalent of a big hug is.

Yes that makes sense Porridge, although I'd be wary of trying to prove your dateability to yourself, especially via POF. I think OD can do good things for someone's self-esteem but it has to be handled carefully.

And there's definitely something to be said about putting up some emotional barriers. I was just curious. There's been a lot of debate about logging on too soon post date/Dinner and whether it's rude or not. I always worry it looks a little too much like starting over someone's shoulder at a party!

Sorry bant this really sucks. Sending a bit of a hug.

It's not bravery kin, I'm sat here trying not to bawl into my coffee. Some backpackers just stood next to me looking confused at a map so I have them directions. They were bloody French. Grr.

So second date with Aruba tomorrow. She's the first Hungarian I've actually wanted to go on a second date with (that I've met from OD) and I think I may not be the suave chatty amusing guy I was last time. Bollocks.

Thanks to everyone by the way. I'll be okay again at some point, it's just very odd when a long term dream comes to an end.

Normal service will be resumed shortly

Hide somewhere and bawl bant. It's amazingly cathartic.

hugs bant

and respect to you for saying your piece about not staying in touch, also.

Sorry to hear that bant onwards and upwards and its better to know

ALittleStranger I felt/feel I needed to jump in and start to see myself as someone other than a haggered Mum and an EA and then walked out on for another woman wife. A hell of a lot of filtering needs to be done on POF but as all my available cash is lining a solicitors pocket at the moment free sites are the only real option at the mo. Are there any other free ones with less sharks on it?! It does remind me of all the strange blokes who stood around the dancefloor at nightclubs letching away!!

bant have a manly hug mate. That's horrible to have to do but absolutely the right thing to have said. That took balls.

On a related note, my "one i should get rid of as it'll never happen but cant seem to do it", moon girl has not cancelled yet so either she's leaving it late this time or we'll actually meet up again (first time since October!).

Ok Bant bugger the manly stuff, have a great big hug. I'm really sorry, it's a giant bag of shite x

Oh and Bill Moon Girl is a fool who in no way deserves you, the halfwit.

Well I've had three beers and to be honest my reptilian brain is coming to the fore. I now want to get more drunk, fight someone, fuck someone, or possibly engage in philosophical debate about string theory and whether peppa pigs family is a suitable role model for children. I'm probably just going to do the first option though. And have pizza.

My existential angst (see? I get all wankily verbose when a bit pissed) is somewhat reduced by the fact I just got a tram over the river and I'm reminded I live in one of the most breathtakingly beautiful cities in the world, I'm healthy, have children who love me, and can probably pull some stunning Hungarian girl if I turn on the charm.

Still. Pizza and beer and Xbox tonight I think.

Bill - cheers mate. Not that I want to embarrass you but yours was the message that brought me closest to tears. I hope things work with MG but be careful. The flame is so attractive but moths still get burned.

Wow, that reads a lot more pretentious than I intended

Bant (((hugs))). tough, but good to be clear & define what you want. That means the next opportunity will be so much better.
On. Hungarian food note, Meet Up guy & I went to Hungarian woman's house-warming - food strange. Set up large bonfire in small suburban garden & roasted very salty bacon on sticks, followed by carp soup, cooked in cauldron over fire. A nice cherry cake. Normal?

Whaddya mean, Bant, "when a bit pissed"??

You've had a hell of a couple of days of it, the divorce being finalised and now this. A lot to cope with all at once, but things tend to go like that sometimes. I think you've done absolutely the right thing, no vacillating, and that takes some guts and strength. Just be gentle to yourself, give it all time to settle, and do what it takes to feel better, but no scrapping, okay?

Well I'm away to sit in a car park watching Macbeth < classy face > - have a good night everyone.