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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please tell me if I am being gaslighted.

141 replies

Wiseysdaughter · 16/07/2013 23:09

Hi,

I'm new here. I'm in a gay relationship and we've been together for 8 months. My mum showed me an article on the internet about gas lighting and I need some advice because I don't know what else to do to make my relationship better. I am so unhappy and I feel like a crap girlfriend and nothing I do seems to make my GF happy.

She constantly accuses me of lying, fancying other people, including men, and even my best friend, she times my journeys and questions me when I've taken longer than she thinks I should have done. It has got so bad that I can't see or speak to my friends, I can't post on my fb account in case she thinks I've been unfaithful, I delete all messages from friends and they've had enough of it all.

Now she tells me that she can't deal with my reactions to when she cuts me off, doesn't give me a chance to defend myself and leaves me feeling very upset and feeling bad about myself.

My DM comes here and she suggested I ask for some objective advice as I know she had a lot of help from Mumsnet when she needed it.

I am afraid that if we split up my GF will go on to have a lovely relationship and i'll be left feeling even more shit about myself than I do now.

Can you help me please? Thank you.

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 16/07/2013 23:13

I'm sorry, this relationship is not good for you. You are being abused, being gay makes no difference. You need to end it, and give yourself (and, indeed, your stbx) the chance to find a relationship that will make you feel happy.

Gruntfuttocks · 16/07/2013 23:13

This isn't a healthy relationship, and you know it - it's making you unhappy. If you split up, chances are your ex will go on to have another abusive relationship with someone else, and you will have the chance to try again with someone who doesn't constantly try to control and belittle you.
You are feeling shit about yourself BECAUSE you are in an abusive relationship. Healthy relationships don't cause you to cut yourself off from your friends and feel bad about yourself....
Good luck!

CharlotteCollinsismovingon · 16/07/2013 23:17

She may move onto another relationship that looks great to begin with... but the same elements of control and abuse will be there. She won't change without serious long-term work on her attitudes, because what she does works for her and she is most important in her life.

Don't stay in this abusive relationship. You are worth much more than this.

WafflyVersatile · 16/07/2013 23:19

your girlfriend will not go on to have a lovely relationship because she will bring her abusiveness with her.

You don't deserve to be treated this way. No one does.

NomNomDePlum · 16/07/2013 23:19

much better to be single than to be coping with this sort of abusive neediness. she is doing a number on your confidence - trust me, you'll both be better off. ditch, delete her number, post whatever you want on facebook, talk to whoever you want. seriously, she sounds like a prison sentence.

CookieDoughKid · 16/07/2013 23:23

Sounds like your GF is very insecure. I would definitely do a runner!

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou · 16/07/2013 23:24

You can't stay in a horrible relationship that makes you miserable to stop your DP from having a better relationship with someone else.
You don't need to label the specific type of abuse she doles out. She's being nasty to you. You've only been together 8 months, it should be fantastic but it's not, it's awful and it isn't going to get better.

Leverette · 16/07/2013 23:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Wiseysdaughter · 16/07/2013 23:24

Thank you for replying.

My mum says the same as you that I'm being abused. It's a shock because I never thought I would be or that she is an abusive person. She can be so lovely.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wiseysdaughter · 16/07/2013 23:25

I'm worried that she is going to really mess me up.

OP posts:

CookieDoughKid · 16/07/2013 23:26

Sounds like your GF is very insecure. I would definitely do a runner!

CookieDoughKid · 16/07/2013 23:26

Sounds like your GF is very insecure. I would definitely do a runner!

CookieDoughKid · 16/07/2013 23:27

sorry I posted three times! my internet doing funny things!

MsHighwater · 16/07/2013 23:30

It doesn't matter what kind of relationship she goes on to have. All that matters is that your next relationship is better than this one. Which it can be.

BombayBanana · 16/07/2013 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou · 16/07/2013 23:30

My ex could be lovely, and in fact was most of the time. I told myself that he only got jealous because he loved me. Turned out it was just a controlling abusive twat. I wish someone had pointed it out when I was only 8 months in, I would have saved myself a lot of time.

ImperialBlether · 16/07/2013 23:32

Someone like that will do everything they can to make you think they are having a great time without you.

Don't you remember girls from school who were like that? They would be laughing really loudly but one eye would be on the audience. "See how much fun I'm having!" Don't you remember that? You've got one of those girls.

Dump her. She's toxic.

Original poster

Wiseysdaughter · 16/07/2013 23:39

Thanks everyone. GF is 22 and I'm 18. I finished the relationship once before and I was sure I would never go back. We didn't have contact for days and then suddenly she mailed me on fb and didn't stop until I agreed to see her. She told me she'd change and she was sorry. I saw her and now I'm back to square one a month later.

OP posts:

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 16/07/2013 23:41

Whatever label you put on it, this is a relationship where you're being treated badly and it is making you unhappy. There is no reason for you to stick with that.

You've had some good advice already but just to address this point you made:

"I am afraid that if we split up my GF will go on to have a lovely relationship and i'll be left feeling even more shit about myself than I do now."

This fear shows how successfully your GF has made you think you are rubbish in relationships, rubbish generally, lucky to have her etc. It's just not the case. People who are controlling bullies do not go on to have 'lovely relationships' that are lovely for the other person, because the other person is yet another abuse victim. If she appears to go on to have a lovely relationship after you, I'd feel sorry for the new partner because they will soon be in the confused and upset state you are now. It may not show but they will.

You, on the other hand, can feel good about yourself after it's over because you can then be yourself and won't be bullied anymore. Seriously, life will be better - it might not look like it straight away, but it will.

Do you live together? If so, can you move in with your mum for a bit? She sounds great. If not, then tell her it's over and block all online access she has to you.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 16/07/2013 23:42

Having just read your latest post, block her on FB. Right away.

apatchylass · 16/07/2013 23:44

Seems unlikely that if you split up your GF will go on to have a great relationship elsewhere. She'll still be the neurotic, domineering control freak she is with you. If you love her and want it to work, stand up for yourself. Get back on FB and out with your friends and really stick up for yourself if she starts to try and manipulate and accuse you.

Or leave. I would.

Original poster

Wiseysdaughter · 16/07/2013 23:48

Snazzy No we don't live together but we are half an hour away from each other. I already live with my mum.

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 16/07/2013 23:51

You left her before, leave her again. She said she'd change, and she has - for the worse. As Snazzy said, block her on fb. You're 18, you should be having fun as a priority, this woman makes you unhappy.

ImperialBlether · 16/07/2013 23:53

18? There's no way you should put up with this rubbish at your age in particular.

Block and delete.

Yes, she'll find someone else to torment and she'll make sure you know about it. Be prepared for that, but don't give in.

Now is the time to make lovely plans for your future. Are you going to university? What sort of career do you want?

chipmonkey · 16/07/2013 23:54

This is abuse. She is a controlling cow and you need to end the relationship. She may go on to have a lovely relationship, but it will only be lovely for her, not for the other poor girl she ends up with!

Of course she is lovely, sometimes. If she was horrible all the time, she'd never get a GF! People like that reel in their victims, then start the abuse.

Don't ever be afraid of ending up alone. It is honestly better to be single and happy than in a relationship and miserable. You are so young, get out there and have fun! The right girl will come along and when it's right, you'll know it's right, you won't have to come and ask a bunch of old gimmers like us!

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