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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Please tell me if I am being gaslighted.

141 replies

Wiseysdaughter · 16/07/2013 23:09

Hi,

I'm new here. I'm in a gay relationship and we've been together for 8 months. My mum showed me an article on the internet about gas lighting and I need some advice because I don't know what else to do to make my relationship better. I am so unhappy and I feel like a crap girlfriend and nothing I do seems to make my GF happy.

She constantly accuses me of lying, fancying other people, including men, and even my best friend, she times my journeys and questions me when I've taken longer than she thinks I should have done. It has got so bad that I can't see or speak to my friends, I can't post on my fb account in case she thinks I've been unfaithful, I delete all messages from friends and they've had enough of it all.

Now she tells me that she can't deal with my reactions to when she cuts me off, doesn't give me a chance to defend myself and leaves me feeling very upset and feeling bad about myself.

My DM comes here and she suggested I ask for some objective advice as I know she had a lot of help from Mumsnet when she needed it.

I am afraid that if we split up my GF will go on to have a lovely relationship and i'll be left feeling even more shit about myself than I do now.

Can you help me please? Thank you.

OP posts:

Report

Wiseysdaughter · 17/07/2013 11:00

She hates that I don't talk about her to my friends, but what am I supposed to say?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/07/2013 11:02

"You will never win. Never."

A big FB-style 'like' for this. You will never win because you are being set up to fail by someone who is highly possessive, selfish, craves attention and can only get it by being contrary and demanding reassurance.

'You hate me'
'No I don't, I love you'

'You have more fun with your friends than me'
'No I don't, I want to be with you because I love you'

'Your friends hate me'
'No they don't, but I'll stop seeing them if you don't like it'

'You think I'm a controlling witch but I'm only anxious because I love you so much and I'm frightened someone will take you away....'

See how it goes.....?

pictish · 17/07/2013 11:06

All abusive people will try to tell you that they are being entirely reasonable, and that you are overreacting and twisting things. This is because as far as they are concerned, they are being entirely reasonable! They see it as their God given right to suffocate their partners to meet their own fucked up needs.

What's more - they are incredibly convincing too! You will end up thinking 'well...she does have a point' or 'I never saw it from that point of view - how selfish I am!'

Abusers are master manipulators. They leave you doubting your own mind every time, and as soon as that chink in your rational appears they pounce on it and exploit it for their own selfish ends.

The fact that she endeavours to control your every waking moment, yet will then tell you she is happy for you to see your friends, before having a hissy fit if you actually dare to, while blaming you for 'not caring' by doing so says it ALL.

Get out. Get out. GET OUT!!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/07/2013 11:06

" what am I supposed to say?"

Stand up to her. Tell her the truth. You have a great time with your friends so you tell her you have a great time. If she can't cope with you having friends, you tell her that's her problem not yours. You don't drop the friends or hide the friends or lie about your activities just because she can't cope with the idea that she can't monopolise you.

BTW... If she's bugging you with messages 24/7 just don't reply to any of them. Obsessive texting like that is 'stalking'.

pictish · 17/07/2013 11:08

Yes it is. It is stalking.

chipmonkey · 17/07/2013 11:13

And that, , making out that YOU are the problem, that YOU are the one who is making her out to be a dick, that SHE is reasonable, that she wants you to see your friends, that there is gaslighting.

pictish · 17/07/2013 11:15

Yes yes it is!

THAT is gaslighting OP.

Ipsissima · 17/07/2013 11:21

I am going to take a slightly different stance and say that what you describe is controlling, jealous, and damaging behaviour - however it is not gas-lighting in the true sense.

However, you still need to leave!! Listen to your mum. Your self esteem is on the floor (and I bet that's not where it was when you met?)
The questions to ask yourself are
Am I still the person I was before, or am I changing who I am to fit the control?
Is this the way I thought the relationship would be -and does the reality make me happy?
Do my friends/family think I have changed - why are they worrying about me?

If you answer honestly, I suspect you may be off tpo pack your bags!

MmeLindor · 17/07/2013 11:27

Listen to what everyone is telling you. She is abusive.

Block her on FB and change your number so that she can't call you.

Yes, it will hurt but the hurt will fade in time and you will have a life.

Don't you want to enjoy the life your friends are having? To be able to have a fun time without worrying what your GF will say afterwards. To be able to meet friends without hiding from her.

She has isolated you from your friends, so you have no way of meeting another girl. That is deliberate and it will get worse.

Would it help you to get away for a couple of weeks? How about applying for a live in job for the summer, somewhere far away?

Your mum sounds pretty damn special.

Ipsissima · 17/07/2013 11:28

I am going to take a slightly different stance and say that what you describe is controlling, jealous, and damaging behaviour - however it is not gas-lighting in the true sense.

However, you still need to leave!! Listen to your mum. Your self esteem is on the floor (and I bet that's not where it was when you met?)
The questions to ask yourself are
Am I still the person I was before, or am I changing who I am to fit the control?
Is this the way I thought the relationship would be -and does the reality make me happy?
Do my friends/family think I have changed - why are they worrying about me?

If you answer honestly, I suspect you may be off to pack your bags!

Ipsissima · 17/07/2013 11:29

whoops really sorry for double post!! I got a "site offline" screen, so thought it hadn't gone through

pictish · 17/07/2013 11:33

If you were my daughter, I'd be so worried about all this. So frustrated by it. I'd be desperate for you to see the light!

Hell...I'm frustrated anyway, and I'm only a random on the internet!

Your mum loves you and wants you to be happy and fulfilled in your life. Your girlfriend doesn't love you, and cares not a fig about what makes you happy...she simply wishes to mould you into her emotional servant.

Listen to your old ma will you? Please?

Jux · 17/07/2013 12:10

"She hates that I don't talk about her to my friends"

Do. Pick your best best friend. Arrange a leisurely evening - not out on the razz - and talk about her. Tell your mate exactly what she's like, how she behaves. Explain that you see much less of them because she makes you feel so bad about seeing them at all. Tell your mate everything.

This is not going to be cured by your love. This will result in your complete and utter subjugation.

ImperialBlether · 17/07/2013 12:57

Ipsissima, she's not living with her girlfriend.

Ipsissima · 17/07/2013 13:35

....but still needs to leave the relationship.

chipmonkey · 17/07/2013 13:44

Do what Jux says. Tell your best friend. I'm sure she'll be horrified. Sometimes it's better to get things out there rather than have them fester and it really helps to get some perspective. When you're actually in a relationship, it can be hard to see the wood for the trees.

Wiseysdaughter · 17/07/2013 14:01

I have told my friends what she's like as live with them in the week, they see it and they see all the texts and everything. They hate her. One time my friend just had enough because I received a text after sticking up for myself saying 'how could you do this after everything you have done to ME' and as soon as I told my friend she got so angry and called my GF. My friend called her all sorts of things such as a psycho, and told her she needs help. GF now hates me for that as I should have stopped it and stuck up for her. Apparently relationship will not work because my friends get in the way.

OP posts:

Wiseysdaughter · 17/07/2013 14:02

Also, thank you for your replies, they are really helpful.

OP posts:

WafflyVersatile · 17/07/2013 14:10

Have you dumped her yet?

MmeLindor · 17/07/2013 14:52

Wisey
Your friends are not in the way.

Relationships work because the two partners have their friends to rant about the silly stuff to, and to get some perspective of any issues.

Relationships work when the partners have the freedom to live outside the relationship.

You are not ending the relationship. She is, with her irrational actions and jealousy.

chipmonkey · 17/07/2013 14:53

The truth is, your friendships won't work because your GF gets in the way!
Listen to your friends, they sound like they really care about you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/07/2013 15:25

Your friends sound FANTASTIC. They are not getting in the way, they are defending you, and I want to give whoever called her a psycho a very large, very unmumsnetty hug for being a top sister.

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chipmonkey · 17/07/2013 15:42

IMO, hugs are very Mumsnetty. I don't know why people keep saying that they aren't

Mind you, they are hearty hugs, none of your and "r u ok, hun?"

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/07/2013 16:05

OK then... it's a very Un-Coggy hug... :)

Ipsissima · 17/07/2013 16:14

? if mumsnetty is as mumsnet does, and mumsnet is currently 'doing' some hugs, whats un-mumsnetty about it?

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