Please tell me if I am being gaslighted.

[Wiseysdaughter]

Hi,

I'm new here. I'm in a gay relationship and we've been together for 8 months. My mum showed me an article on the internet about gas lighting and I need some advice because I don't know what else to do to make my relationship better. I am so unhappy and I feel like a crap girlfriend and nothing I do seems to make my GF happy.

She constantly accuses me of lying, fancying other people, including men, and even my best friend, she times my journeys and questions me when I've taken longer than she thinks I should have done. It has got so bad that I can't see or speak to my friends, I can't post on my fb account in case she thinks I've been unfaithful, I delete all messages from friends and they've had enough of it all.

Now she tells me that she can't deal with my reactions to when she cuts me off, doesn't give me a chance to defend myself and leaves me feeling very upset and feeling bad about myself.

My DM comes here and she suggested I ask for some objective advice as I know she had a lot of help from Mumsnet when she needed it.

I am afraid that if we split up my GF will go on to have a lovely relationship and i'll be left feeling even more shit about myself than I do now.

Can you help me please? Thank you.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Vipers don't have arms?....

[mummytime]

Do listen to pretty much everyone, it doesn't matter if you are straight or gay; there are some people out there who are just like this. They are no good as friends, and certainly no good as lovers because they are no good to have a relationship with.

You are 18, you are not supposed to know what you want to do with your life. You are definitely too young to commit to a really long term relationship yet. You should be going out, having fun. Trying lots of different and new things.

Imagine it was a friend of yours and her boyfriend. What would your advice be? In the early stages of relationships it is supposed to be fun and pleasurable. (If it wasn't there wouldn't be any long term relationships, because without good memories it is very hard to get through the really tough days.)

[Ipsissima]

cogito

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

I'm in no way addicted to it, I'm just convinced that I wouldn't be okay without her.

That is addiction: needing a prop in order to function.

And, as with all addictions, the solution is to go cold turkey. Cut contact. Block her on all messaging systems. Do not cave, as she piles on the pleading, manipulation, and threats (which she will do).

You are in an abusive relationship; she is unable to treat you with respect. Get out, because you deserve better

[Wiseysdaughter]

Thanks everyone.

Just had a KFC in order to think about this over dinner ?
This KFC obviously means I had done something wrong as her reply to me going to KFC was 'you don't even like it' to which I told her I did? And then she says 'well i'm sure you'll go and see your mates there'? Hmm.

[pictish]

Fuck sake.

[Wiseysdaughter]

I went with my mum...

[WhiteBirdBlueSky]

You should be having fun. Why would you ally yourself with someone who has a problem with you seeing friends?

[Wiseysdaughter]

My GF works in an office, she is pretty well paid for her age and is doing well for herself. She has a nice car, she has just moved home from living in her own place, she has a good job and she plays sport to a very high level. On paper, she has a lot going for her.

When I told her I didn't want to go to uni she just shrugged it off and said don't go then. It did in fact end up as an argument as I was saying how I was worried about what my parents would say and she argued it was my life and I needed to grow some balls and grow up.

If I ever talk about college she tells me to get on with it, I get a bit of advice, like 'do it and its out the way'? Then one time I said how a certain week would be good for me as I would be the only one at college. She then turned this and said 'oh so you don't do your work because you're distracted by your friends, cool.' So back to square one.

It's not that she's worried about my friends at all because my friends are the best, I live with them and we all get on like family. I love them! They don't force me to do anything I don't want to do, the only thing they want to force me to do is leave GF? Understandable.
So no, it's not my best interests she has at heart.

[Wiseysdaughter]

My GF has been there through a struggle of a time for me? Thinking about it now I probably feel worse because of her but still she was there through a hard time. She was there on the evening that my dad called and told me my Granddad had passed away. Straight away she was there as the caring person, and maybe that has stuck in my head?

It's very head f*cking because she makes me angry, upset, low blah blah but then she picks up the pieces and is there to calm me down? So maybe I've become dependant on her, I don't know.

[Anniegetyourgun]

I was married to someone like that. Being naive and inexperienced when we met, and inclined to think the best of everyone, I thought that once he had grown to know me properly he would trust me. 25 years later he still hadn't, and I left the bastard (24.5 years too late, but at least I got some lovely children out of it). Nothing you can do will make a person like this trust you because they don't believe in trust, they believe in control. You may never find out whether she really believes you are shagging around or is just saying it to keep you desperately trying to prove you aren't; but either way it doesn't matter.

I am one of your mum's greatest fans.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

What would happen if you just didn't call or text this person for a day or two? The KFC thing, for example... she must have known you were there in order to text the snidey remarks. So how about doing your own thing for a few days, switching the phone off, not letting her track you, and not giving her chapter and verse on your every movement?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"she was there as the caring person"

Abusive people do not have three heads and they are not abusive all the time. They are often attractive, charming and pleasant when it suits them to be. However, what she wants is you as a possession, not a person in your own right. Any decent human being would have been kind to you knowing you'd just lost your grandfather. You don't owe her anything for being kind.

[flippinada]

What everyone else has said: she's an abuser and will only get worse. Take it from an old fart who's been round the block a few times. Also echo others who have said that abusers can be nice sometimes...that's how they reel you in.

Imagine if your girlfriend introduced herself by walking up to you and said "hi, I'm going to trick you into falling in love with me, then I'm going to fuck with your head, isolate you from your friends and family and treat you like shit until your self esteem is completely destroyed and you've turned into a complete nervous wreck?" You'd run like the wind, wouldn't you?

However, because there are episodes of niceness, you think oh, it's not so bad...and meanwhile she gets away with exactly that.

It sounds like you have a great mum and good friends. Please listen to them.

[Wiseysdaughter]

If I didn't call her or text her she would be very shocked for a start. I don't think she would know what to do with herself.
I can't decide whether she'd bombard me with messages for the first day or so and then text me a few times the next day and with no reply f*ck of and think whatever and go out. Or she would sit in her house and go mad thinking about what I'm doing and completely work herself up. I don't really know which way she would go.

[Wiseysdaughter]

It's so hard. I completely take in, and understand what everyone is saying. And I know everything is completely spot on and true. Like I was saying to my mum.. In a healthy relationship I know it's not normal for people, whether it be friends or complete strangers (like you lot ) to be able to talk about someone's GF in this way without the person in the relationship sticking up for their GF automatically and getting the right hump with these people. However, I can't say anything because actually, it's all true. And of course, I have come to you for advice anyway.

Oh lord this stuff's hard.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It's hard because you're obviously a kind person that cares about what effect you have on others. You'd probably have a lovely, calm, happy few days if you switched your phone off but already you're thinking solely about how horribly she'd behave and react ... so you won't do it.

You'd never treat anyone badly, restricting their freedom or saying nasty things to them, so you struggle with the idea that someone would be doing it deliberately to you. You like or love your girlfriend and you really want her to be different so that you can be happy together. But she'll never be different because she's insecure, possessive and a bully.

It's always sad when you realise that a relationship has run its course - no-one wants upset and heartbreak - but that's the whole point of dating when you're young. Finding out what makes people tick, making a few mistakes, breaking a few hearts and working out what you want and - more importantly - what you don't want in a partner.

[HandbagCrazy]

I hope you dont mind, but this sounds so similar to my first relationship that I had to comment. My ex started with the sweetest things "i want to be around you - you're so beautiful of course other men will want you, who can blame them?" and it seemed so lovely I just went with it. Why not bring him on a night out? Why not go back to his straight from college? It didnt take long to become - because I had to. Because if i didnt then i could have been anywhere with anyone and that wasnt fair on him because it "made him worry". So i stopped. I did what you do, i let friends go, i didnt go out, anything to make him happy. But the big problem with that is, whatever you do wont be enough, and by the time you realise it, you're friends are long gone living their lives and you feel too low to let your family know how bad things are.

Luckily for me (and you it seems), we have amazing mothers. Mine waited until i got so stressed that i cried, and asked me 2 questions and left me with 2 pieces of information
1 - do you spend more time happy than sad?
2 - if you knew he would leave you alone if you finished it, would you?

and then 1 - you can always stand behind me and i'll protect you, and 2 - you know you deserve to be happier than this.

After a few more rows I ended it. And it was hard. He went from missing me and promising me the earth to hating me and calling me ungrateful.
BUT - i leaned on my mum and she was amazing. She took his calls, she spoke to his family, she threatened to go the police, and he left me alone. And not long after I met the person who is now my dh. He was so nice, so sweet, went out of his way to make me smile and (and this is how its supposed to be) - made me go and make up with my friends and played taxi driver when we went out.

Please please please turn to your mum and let her help you. Your gf is probably insecure, but if she wanted to address that, she could. like you said, she's doing well for herself so she's smart. But she's also mean, abusive and dragging you down. You can do better, and you deserve to xx

[chipmonkey]

Handbag, your Mum sounds wonderful!

[HandbagCrazy]

She is Chip

[Wiseysdaughter]

[WafflyVersatile]

Why sad face? Has something happened?