Please tell me if I am being gaslighted.

[Wiseysdaughter]

Hi,

I'm new here. I'm in a gay relationship and we've been together for 8 months. My mum showed me an article on the internet about gas lighting and I need some advice because I don't know what else to do to make my relationship better. I am so unhappy and I feel like a crap girlfriend and nothing I do seems to make my GF happy.

She constantly accuses me of lying, fancying other people, including men, and even my best friend, she times my journeys and questions me when I've taken longer than she thinks I should have done. It has got so bad that I can't see or speak to my friends, I can't post on my fb account in case she thinks I've been unfaithful, I delete all messages from friends and they've had enough of it all.

Now she tells me that she can't deal with my reactions to when she cuts me off, doesn't give me a chance to defend myself and leaves me feeling very upset and feeling bad about myself.

My DM comes here and she suggested I ask for some objective advice as I know she had a lot of help from Mumsnet when she needed it.

I am afraid that if we split up my GF will go on to have a lovely relationship and i'll be left feeling even more shit about myself than I do now.

Can you help me please? Thank you.

[Wiseysdaughter]

Because it's all just shit

[IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou]

It is shit. You will end it and you'll feel horrible. You will feel guilty about hurting her and you'll feel scared about her reaction. You will worry about her phoning you or running into her when you go out but then it will start to feel better. You will be able to call and text and meet your friends without worrying about her reaction. You will be able to go where you want without having to consider whether she is going to kick off or not. You will be allowed to enjoy yourself again. Your life will get better and better. Eventually you'll meet someone else who you have an equal relationship with, whose reaction to you meeting your friends is 'have a nice time' and who has something better to do than time your journeys. It's awful extracting yourself from a situation like this but the awfulness is temporary and it's a million times better than staying.

[Wiseysdaughter]

I need to go back to the beginning of the thread and read everything that you've said. I'm still trying to accept that this is abusive and that I need to escape it. And what i thought was love isn't after all.

DM says I should get some sleep and she's right. I'm tired.

Thank you so very much, I will come back tomorrow when I hope to feel stronger than I do now.

[WafflyVersatile]

On the bright side you are 18 years old. You have good friends. And you have another (predicted) 80 years left on earth with which to find real love. In that time you will probably find several real loves. But even if you don't it's got to be better than this.

[pictish]

Yes you should sleep on it. Kneejerk reactions are never a good idea anyway, largely because they tend towards adding to the stress.

All the frank advice from us randoms will still be here in the morning. And no one will have changed their minds. xxx

[chipmonkey]

Oh, bless you, Wiseys, it is hard, isn't it ? When I broke up with my first boyfriend, I really felt like it was the end of the world and I really had thought it was love. But it wasn't. And you know what? With my now-dh, I fell madly "in love" with him but with hindsight, I'm really not sure that love was what was at the start. The actual love came later. Proper love is really finding the person who is your best friend and that you also fancy and that you can share everything with apart from hiding the odd receipt for shoes.

[SquinkiesRule]

Aww Wiseysdaughter, it is hard. A relationship that is only 8 months in is supposed to be so much fun and excitement, It's supposed to be making each other feel great about life and being happy for each other. This is way too hard work it doesn't get better, it starts out the best it will ever be. If this is the best you have with her then you don't want to stick around a minute more, life isn't supposed to be this hard and upsetting.
Once you dump her be aware she will up her game and tell you whatever she thinks she needs too, to get you to fall back in line and behave. Don't listen, don't answer, don't read her messages. Go non communications with her so you can have a chance to get over it. They have a script it comes naturally to them, others here will tell you what comes next.
Delete her from facebook and block her number, she will eventually leave you aline. Don't try to explain yourself, you don't need to, you can't win with her so don't bother trying.
You deserve a better, happy loving relationship and the right one is out there and you'll meet one day. Uni is a good place to start

[Wiseysdaughter]

Okay so shit day number 3000 (or how ever many days there are in 8 months?.).. Maths isn't my strong point and neither is relationships by the looks of it.

Just got home from my meeting at CAHMS. We spoke about GF the whole time. She said that she understands that it's hard to leave someone like this and I need to find the strength. I slagged the hell out of GF and it felt good.

Been accused of all sorts again today, including lying about someone fancying me in the first month we met.. Ages ago right?? aaaaand turns out, I didn't lie. For some reason she is now saying she wants me to go to my ex and all the people who fancy me and I fancy.. Weird. Apparently she doesn't care anymore.

So she has just said to me? 'you speak to exs, speak to people u slept with and fancy you so it's ok for you so its ok for me to do' so I said 'Nice game, go on then' and she said 'Yep.' So to that I replied.

'I hope your ex's are very happy to hear from you. I know I won't be.'

[WhatWouldBeyonceDo]

Now, delete her number and block her on Facebook, do not engage any more.

It's pointless and you deserve more.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Agree with the above. Delete, block, de-friend, avoid, change your phone number and do whatever else you have to do to stop this poisonous person spoiling what should be the best time of your life. Then go get that degree, travel, make a life and think back on what you've learned from the experience so that next time you meet someone this twisted, you spot them before they get a hold of you. She's got some serious problems and it should be her getting the psychiatric counselling if there was any justice in the world.

[Wiseysdaughter]

Thanks I will do! Now off to pick up my friend and go to football training, finally!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Phone off? :)

[Jux]

Well done , tell all your friends so they are prepared to help you, encourage you, support you, and get in between you and her in the event that she turns up at your place. And so they can get you going out with them regularly and keep your spirits up and distract you when the need arises.

You've had some exes, so you know it's hard at first but you get over it. Remind yourself of that when you feel down or guilty.

Start living like a normal, young person should. Having fun and worrying about exams and holiday jobs.

[chipmonkey]

Well done! Now stay strong! And do block her number etc as that will make it harder for her to make contact again.
Onwards and upwards!

[laeiou]

Great stuff ! And great one-liner!

Don't be surprised if you have the odd wobble wondering if you've done the right thingand what's ahead of you etc. Uncertainty can be difficult to deal with which is why many people find it difficult to change their circumstances. However you have the backup of your lovely mum and many internet strangers all of win are certain that you've done the right thing.

[chipmonkey]

Yes, you have the support of your own Mum and 250, 00 other Mums! We are all very proud of you!

[BewitchedBotheredandBewildered]

Just caught up here.

Well done Wisey, you will have learned a lot from this relationship, stay strong. Look after your mum and your friends and they will always be there whatever happens.

I have to confess to a bit of welling up at the end here; the kindness and generosity of mumsnetters never ceases to amaze me - well done you lot too

And i don't care how soppy that sounds

[chipmonkey]

By the way, you are NOT bad at relationships. You have a great relationship with your Mum, you have a great relationship with your friends. SHE's the one who's crap at relationships, it just took you a while to figure that out. But we all have to live and learn.

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Yay, good response!

And if you ever feel like you're wrong and she's changed and maybe it wasn't so bad and perhaps you should try again... confess all to your lovely-sounding friends so that they can confiscate your mobile, distract you or whatever it takes to get you through the wobble and out the other side!

Because even if she suddenly turns into best-ever lovely person, seriously - who wants to be with such a shape-shifter?

[akaWisey]

Mum here.

Thank you. Thank you all. She's out and doing what she wants to do for now. The more she does that the better.

She knows I'm here, reading this thread. She shares it with me.

What power we all have when we join together.

You have another MNer in your midst. And take it from me, when she's outta this shit she'll be invincible (like moi).

[akaWisey]

Shit, she IS invincible!

[SquinkiesRule]

Brilliant one liner, what a girl. Well done.
I must make sure to get Dd on her when she starts to date so you can all set her straight for me and hold her hand through those first few loves.

[SquinkiesRule]

Get Dd on here, not on her! Unless that what she wants LOL.

[Wiseysdaughter]

Thanks everyone.

So I went to football and saw my friends but my mind was elsewhere :( Maybe not ready to be the old me but will be.

Home now, where I've wanted to be all night, feeling a bit sad. All I could think about when I was on my way home was "I need mumsnet"!!

Thanks everyone, you really do help xx

[chipmonkey]

Just give it time. You will feel better again, one day, I promise.