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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found on DP tablet...

348 replies

Kione · 16/07/2013 15:56

A series of flirting conversations with old friends, one or two with whome he's had sex. I have been with him 7 years had DD in 2009, these chats are from 2010,11 Dec. 2013...
and one dodgy conversation about his phone being left under the sofa at one of his colleages (female) house. It might be the night they had the xmas party when he told me he stayed at the hotel where the party was. But I am not sure. Even if it wasnt the night of the party, he has never mentioned going to her house.
If you remember me, we havent been getting on that great, and we went through a stage where I didnt feel like having sex with him...
So I am so confused. Should I confront him? how'??
I only opened his tablet cos our computer is being repaired, fb wad open with these chats. I am sure many more could have been deleted...
I dont know how to feel right now Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 23/07/2013 15:41

chaos, that sounds much better, I will write it down and call right.now!

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 23/07/2013 15:42

Jan45 thats an idea but he could then twist answers...

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 23/07/2013 16:33

He is not on their records Sad
The receptionist told me there where some groups but they have their names. It was a little difficult to understand but looks like some people paid the room by themselves and others had it paid by the company. I asked if he could see his name on those groups and he couldn't. But I also gave him the name of another girl that I know stayed there (or I think since she lives even further away) and he couldn't find her either.
So, maybe this girl didn't stay. I couldn't remember any other names to check... but DP is also a manager so it could be that he got the room paid like the guests but the other staff didn't.
BUT I am not being stupid. I am shaking right now as I have got more evidence.
Now, how do I present this to him? and I am asking here because you are being extremely helpful. ThanksThanksThanks

OP posts:
Jan45 · 23/07/2013 16:38

You know and he knows that he didn't stay at this Hotel, you can tell that from the messages from the OW - perhaps a few of them stayed at this OW's home, I don't know, but it's obvious he didn't stay at any Hotel - the onus is and has been on him to tell you exactly what happened that night - he hasn't so in effect is making himself look more guilty, what's his reaction been this past week about it all?

And when I say you know, you wouldn't be going to this extreme if you didn't think so.

captainmummy · 23/07/2013 16:39

Can you ask for his receipt or other proof of his staying there? Even if it was paid by the company, the accounts dept will have a purchase-invoice for it. He would be able to get a copy.

BUT - it does sound like he was at least at this womans house, and fooling around on the sofa...

sorry OP.

Original poster
Kione · 23/07/2013 16:40

Jan45 I know, that I know but I need more evidence. I still have doubts and I want those clear before making a decision. I am not saying here that I believe him. His reaction all this week has been explained in previous posts, sorry can't write it all again...

OP posts:
Jan45 · 23/07/2013 16:43

I'm sure he'd feel the same way as you if this was reversed so why is he not doing everything in his power to prove he was there - I'm not saying he was rolling about the sofa with this OW but he was there, I'd put money on it, why he was there is the unanswered question...

Original poster
Kione · 23/07/2013 16:44

Thanks captain. No, I have asked for that, he says the company booked a few rooms and that they didn't ask for his name under the "explanation" that: "you know what xmas parties are like, people book and then they don't turn up, so we didn't have to give names etc." which I know its ridiculous.
On the plus side, the receptionist of the hotel happens to be from the same place as I am and he said if I need to know anything else to ask for him. He was lovely and feel crap for using him Blush but hey, maybe I could explain one day...

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 23/07/2013 16:45

Jan45, if he was there I do not need to ask any more questions

OP posts:
schmarn · 23/07/2013 16:52

Hi Kione - sorry that my advice has led to bad news but knowledge is better than being continually made a fool of by this jerk.

I think you have to present him with certainty. If you give him any wriggle room he will continue to lie. Tell him that you called the hotel and they confirmed that they have names for all the rooms because it is their company policy (I know they didn't say that but sometimes you have fight dirty to get to the truth). His name is not there. If he cannot now tell you the truth about where he stayed that night then it is over. Tell him you can forgive what he has done but the lies have to stop now.

My guess is that he will give you a partial admission - yes, he did stay at the slut's house but nothing happened, she is just a friend - he didn't want to tell you because you would get upset, yada yada yada. If he tells you that story, it is over. If he admits to the affair then you have a chance provided he is prepared to commit to fixing things. One step at a time.

Original poster
Kione · 23/07/2013 16:57

Thanks schmarm, I can't believe I am being so slow with all this, in real life I am a lot more "matter of fact" but yes, you have given me another good advice about the names at the hotel. I have to go now to do errands and will talk to him this evening so will update you all tomorrow.
And no, I am not sorry that is more bad news, I kind of knew I just need proof because I can't leave and take DD and him telling everyone that it is because I am paranoid about that night. I need proof to base my actions on. If that makes sense. Of course I do love him and this is the last thing I expected (don't we all) but that alone is not a reason to stay.

OP posts:
schmarn · 23/07/2013 17:06

Of course Kione. We all have 20/20 vision when it is other people's problems that we comment on during a coffee break. Always much tougher to walk out on one's own marriage. Good luck.

3HotCrossBuns · 23/07/2013 17:56

Kione - I'm sorry that call to the hotel didn't put your mind at rest. I suspect you will never know the 'whole' truth. That is very difficult to come to terms with - I have literally had to sit on my hands to stop myself from calling the OW (my H destroyed all the evidence before disclosing his affair to me - he was caught at work, not by me) to get more info. However I have realised that knowing everything won't make a difference - you know enough now to start processing all of this and (hopefully!) stop torturing yourself. I wish you well in your conversation tonight and will check to see how you're getting on. Good luck.

HappilyChatterly · 23/07/2013 18:02

Just read through the thread, I'm so sorry that this is all going on alongside what would have been a terrible couple of weeks anyway. You're being very strong and your DD is lucky to have such a role model. I hope he has told the truth today and you can get closure xxx

mumat39 · 23/07/2013 18:30

Oh Kione. I don't know what to say. Sending you a big (((hug)))

I'm sorry it's turning out to be what you initlally thought and that he really is a stupid lying shit!

For what it's worth you havent been slow. Not at all. You've handled yourself really really well.

Take care. Xxxx

Original poster
Kione · 23/07/2013 20:50

I am not getting anywhere Sad he says it must have been a twin room booked in someone else's name. Although he was so drunk he doesent remember who the other person was or who helped him.to the room.
I know.
And its killing me.

OP posts:
OhDearNigel · 23/07/2013 21:17

I havent read all the thread but had to comment on the comment you made about not wanting sex and (correct me if im wrong) telling your DH to go elsewhere. I tell DH to get himself a fancy woman to save me the bother all the time.
I would be livid if he actually took me seriously. And he would never dream of taking me at my word

chaosagain · 24/07/2013 00:03

Kione, I'm sorry that the call didn't turn out to be reassuring. I'm sorry you're going through all of this. He doesn't sound like he's being very respectful to you at the moment and certainly isn't crediting you with much intelligence. He sounds like he's wriggling hard to find a way off a hook.

I know that whatever you decide that the road ahead won't be easy for a while. Think about what you want from a relationship not just now but a couple of years from now too and ask yourself whether he could give you that.

Thinking of you and hugs.

tightfortime · 24/07/2013 01:24

I work for a company that books rooms for parties in a general name and we, the staff staying there, would just allocate who was staying where when we arrived. Twin rooms whatever, a fight for the double bed.

We have also seen very drunk colleagues put to bed but the next day, the sorry story comes out with the office slagging and the person - usually a man - will thank profusely whoever got him to bed. But they always know what happened them one way or the other.

So, the hotel explanation is bogus.

Her explanation is bogus.

He was there, at least some of the night and can't remember getting to bed in the hotel, or who he shared with. Nice.

Keep digging but I think you know the answer.

schmarn · 24/07/2013 11:09

Kione, I think you now have your answer. Think about it for a moment. No one is ever so drunk that they have no recollection of sharing a room with someone else. At the very least, he would have woken up hungover but with his faculties in tact and seen that person (or at least an unmade bed) but he didn't think to mention to you until now that he might have shared a room with someone.

But let's credit his lie with a response. If he did genuinely share a hotel room with someone and his wife has just accused of him of staying the night at some tart's house, wouldn't he be doing all he can to find out who shared the room with him so that they could corroborate his whereabouts and prove his innocence? Of course he can't do that because he was never there.

You now have as much evidence as you are ever going to have. You need to make some tough decisions. The only prospect of saving this is to be apart from him so that he knows that you are serious. His constant stream of lies tells you that he currently has no respect for your feelings and your intelligence. Perhaps that will change if he realises he may lose you, perhaps not. Either way, if you stay with him (without an admission of what he has done) you are tacitly endorsing his behaviour and you will end up posting here again in a few months with more tales of his infidelity.

I know it's easier for us to say than it is for you to do but it is the truth nonetheless. Good luck with whatever you decide.

mumat39 · 24/07/2013 11:17

Kione, I hope you're okay this morning.

I was wondering if you could ask him to leave and only contact you when he is ready to tell you the truth. You need somewhere to look after your child, so he should go until he can man up and face the music.

Xxx

mumat39 · 24/07/2013 11:21

Or pack a bag for him and leave it in full view of the front door so when he walks in he sees t. Then ask him to tell you the truth? If he doesn't, tell him to leave.

I know it won't be easy, but better that than you trying everyday to ask him about stuff that he doesn't want to answer. That in itself must be so exhausting for you.

You need space to focus on what you want rather than being distracted by him.

Xxx

OctopusPete8 · 24/07/2013 11:28

Oh dear, I'm sorry OP I thought this might have had a better outcome.

I would phone him and tell you're not buying it anymore, has he even been trying to reassure you?

Original poster
Kione · 25/07/2013 18:09

sorry I havent been around. I've told him if he doesnt proof that he wasnt with her I will leave.
But at least they have offered me the job I wanted! so really happy and busy with that now! Smile

OP posts:
Doha · 25/07/2013 18:12

Delighted to hear you got the job. Is it local?

How did your DP react when he was asked to prove he wasn't with her. Just watch he doesn't get a mate to say he stayed/shared with him as alibi

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