Found on DP tablet...

[Kione]

A series of flirting conversations with old friends, one or two with whome he's had sex. I have been with him 7 years had DD in 2009, these chats are from 2010,11 Dec. 2013...
and one dodgy conversation about his phone being left under the sofa at one of his colleages (female) house. It might be the night they had the xmas party when he told me he stayed at the hotel where the party was. But I am not sure. Even if it wasnt the night of the party, he has never mentioned going to her house.
If you remember me, we havent been getting on that great, and we went through a stage where I didnt feel like having sex with him...
So I am so confused. Should I confront him? how'??
I only opened his tablet cos our computer is being repaired, fb wad open with these chats. I am sure many more could have been deleted...
I dont know how to feel right now

orchard

you have nothing concrete but there's still plenty of reason for doubt so as pissed off as he may be/become, you can't make yourself ok with it all so things can just carry on. Surely he can see that those messages paint him in a dis trustworthy light so these later texts look bad. If he's not prepared to accept that and give you the space to work through a mess that he essentially created then he's really not helping himself.

Concentrating on yourself is your best bet for a bit. if anything it'll keep you going and distract you. Plus making sure you have an exit plan in place 'in case' can't hurt

what worries me is that he said it looks like I am trying to find an excuse to split. Thats him turning it to me as per our other problems as it was me with the doubts. I dont like that attitude.
A friend of mine invited me to his company's summer ball yesterday (she is the one aware of everything) and DP is away that weekend!

*her company!

^ that's because it's a shitty attitude.

Hi again. I wouldn't be able to forgive the flirty messages, whoever they were sent to. :(

I must admit when I've been reading everything, I have wondered if you are trying to find a way out too. Sorry, but that's how some of this coming across to me. I think you need to decide what you really want. If you want out then it's fine to just end things. If you are not happy that is reason enough. It feels like you are torturing yourself. You need to be kind to yourself. If you need to go away to see a friend, I'm sure your other half will give you the money to do that. Maybe you should take the opportunity to take time out now, whilst you're so torn. I'm worried that you're going to make yourself ill over this and the bottom line is you still don't know what happened and he could be lying, but he could also be telling the truth.

Xxx

mumat39, I dont know if I want out. Its not that easy, we where getting on really well and I dont know if we (me and DD) would be happier living somewhere else. I think I just have to wait and see how I feel. I wasnt happy a few months ago, but we where happy when I found this.

Hi again. I hope I didn't upset you. That wasn't intended at all. I apologise.

As others have said, I think it's really ood that you're taking the time to think things through. It's really important that you focus on yourself and whether you can move on from this.

I was married for 13 years. I stayed as I felt I had made that commitment and had to see it through. I didn't have any reasons to go. I just wasn't happy. It's surprising now looking back just how managed to last that long. It's mad, but I knew it was wrong on my wedding day, but again, I had to go through with it as I couldn't have let down all those people who had turned up, or put my mum and dad through that sort of embarrassment.

In the end my ex cheated on me and that was my get out of jail card. I waited until then. I think if he hadn't cheated, I'd still be in it. Still be playing the dutiful wife and making do, just because I made that commitment. I must have been mad!

Once again, apologies

Maybe clutching at straws here but dies she have the same phone as him? I have an iPhone same as my friend and we took each others phones home by mistake once after a drunk night out. It might explain the "just check" part of the message!?

no you didnt upset me. My friends advice was: do what it feels comfortable and you are happy with. If you feel like staying, stay. If you want to go, then go.

And to be honest it actually feels more comfortable to stay right now. And see how things go. Sorry to dissapoint the LTB team

But I have told him that I feel emotionally distant and it doesn't mean we are back to normal or I have forgiven him or that I believe him.

Kaluki, not same phone at all.
I am going to reread this thread often because it keeps me focused. I dont want to forget what has happened.

Hey again.

Your friend is absolutely right, you need to do what feel right for you and I hope you're feeling a slight sense of relief now that you've made a decision.

Wishing you All the best. Xxx

Well in that case it stinks of lies doesn't it.

It does Kaluki. So I am at home because it feels like the right thing to do. But I feel dettached and lonely, I already miss the cuddles and the good times

That's natural. You obviously stayed for some reason up until now but if the bad is this bad then no amount of good is going to make it ok.

Nothing wrong with feeling sad about that though

Hope this thread is still helping

I know what you mean OP. Its horrible. I'm now 11 weeks post discovery of my H's affair (it was a full physical and emotional affair lasting 5 months). He's still at home and we are struggling through each day as it comes. There have been massive ups and downs. I'm still incapable of making a decision though . I've never felt so stuck. I can't quite bring myself to separate although I've been bloody close. All I can say is to take each day as it comes and hopefully your H will be remorseful and want to help you get over this, if such a thing is possible. Currently I have my doubts!

Well he doesn't feel remorseful.because he denies everything. But the fact that hevis so nice to me tells all.
This thread is helping a lot, it remembers me of what happened, and I dont want to forget until something clears up. what, I dont know!

No 'decision' is set in stone. You can change your mind. If you decide that you can't stay with him after this and after his behaviour towards since discovery, then is also fine. FWIW my H hasn't been very reliable or consistent in the remorse/love dept since discovery and it took me spelling out the consequences of how he was dealing with the aftermath for the penny to drop. I hope. I'm still on 'high alert' for a return to the dismissive/defensive responses I was getting for a few weeks. I've told him that actually it's not the infidelity itself that's killing our marriage, it's his selfish entitled attitude!! I think he just didn't 'get it' for a while and he's emotionally very immature. That said I do think he's trying.... Oh yes he's very trying Anyway as I said I've not made a definite decision either way yet.

He should be remorseful about the flirty messages at least though!?

oh totally, he is remorseful and ashamed of the texts.
hotcrOSS, maybe I should start a threat for all of us in limbo!
I judt dont know if I even want him to try or not!

ah, good.

Well there's no rush, unless you're not happy with just staying 'in limbo'
until you make a choice either way.

Also, if he didn't lie cough cough then it at least looks fishy. Has he accepted why it looks so bad i.e because he's given you reason for doubt with the flirty messages from before? Do you think he sees how the seed of doubt was planted, whether he lied or not?

Kione, yes maybe! I am worried that this limbo-land I'm in will continue and over time we'll just slip back into a relationship together. I think that's what H wants. I'm not making it easy for him though and am (rightly) making sure some changes happen. I do swing between its over/let's make it work on a daily basis. Which is am improvement on hourly I suppose. Have you read the Chump Lady blog? It's v accurate but very much in the LTB camp. There are some more 'reconciliation' type blogs too. My mood quite often depends on what I've been reading!! Like most 'wandering spouses' my H isn't all bad. Neither is he ticking 100% of the boxes for a remorseful spouse. It's v confusing. I guess it's a question of being patient with ourselves too - I'm hoping that I'll know when I know.....

Yeah thats my fear too and thats what P wants. But I am determined not to let go.
I am just certain that he has lied but for some reason is not angering me enough to go?? I dont know why (apart from the fact that I dont have a job right now)