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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found on DP tablet...

348 replies

Kione · 16/07/2013 15:56

A series of flirting conversations with old friends, one or two with whome he's had sex. I have been with him 7 years had DD in 2009, these chats are from 2010,11 Dec. 2013...
and one dodgy conversation about his phone being left under the sofa at one of his colleages (female) house. It might be the night they had the xmas party when he told me he stayed at the hotel where the party was. But I am not sure. Even if it wasnt the night of the party, he has never mentioned going to her house.
If you remember me, we havent been getting on that great, and we went through a stage where I didnt feel like having sex with him...
So I am so confused. Should I confront him? how'??
I only opened his tablet cos our computer is being repaired, fb wad open with these chats. I am sure many more could have been deleted...
I dont know how to feel right now Sad

OP posts:
schmarn · 22/07/2013 17:26

Kione - By the way, there is more evidence you can get. Even if the company booked out some rooms, they would probably need a guest name for health and safety reasons. You could try calling them and saying that your husband thinks he left his book in one of the drawers in his room and ask them to check for you. Give them his name and company name and they will either respond by saying "we have no record of Mr Adulterous F*cker" or "we don't have the names for individuals from that company". It's got to be worth a call to put you out of your misery.

For what it's worth from a male point of view here. He is lying.

The key is in her answer to his text. Leaving aside his suspicious assumption that she would know where his phone is, she ought to have immediately replied "Yes. I picked it up, it's in my bag". However she doesn't do that. She looks for the phone first and then comments that it was under the sofa. She would only look for the phone first if he had been there and she had no idea where it might be in her flat.

At the very most, she might have said "Yes. I picked it up and put it in my bag but then it fell out and I found it under the sofa", although she would need to have verbal diarrhoea to answer in that fashion. Her matter of fact reference to the sofa evidences their joint knowledge that they were both at her place that night.

Unfortunately you have shown your hand by pleading to the OW to tell you what happened and making it crystal clear that you don't know the truth and that you can be persuaded by their lies. This means that he is not going to confess unless you get more evidence or kick him out. If you choose to stay, he is still the bad guy but nothing that subsequently happens should come as a surprise to you.

schmarn · 22/07/2013 17:27

To clarify my message above, you could call the hotel (not his company).

TheOrchardKeeper · 22/07/2013 17:30

not everyone is able to just up an 'LTB' ...like you said, you don't have a job atm, which is obviously a complication and it sounds as though you're sadder than you are angry (sorry if I'm wrong). It'll probably hit you though. Most likely when something happens to remind you of all this/make it raw again and when the initial feelings of loss have worn off.

It doesn't make you weaker than those who just leave though. Please remember that Smile

Original poster
Kione · 22/07/2013 18:16

Schmarn, just told him to prove hi is not lying so we can move forward one way or the other. He does sound sad and he is loosing weight over this Sad I honestly do not know what to think. Crying, feeling sick, this is utter shit.
Orchard yes, I am just hugely sad.

OP posts:
3HotCrossBuns · 22/07/2013 18:19

I agree, the anger will come. Took me about 3 weeks and then I felt the most intense rage constantly bubbling under the surface, I exploded frequently. H couldn't handle it AT ALL. Lasted about a month and then the self-blame and most awful sadness happened. I was very anxious and had several panic attacks. For the last 10 days I've been much more steady, thank God!

3HotCrossBuns · 22/07/2013 18:21

DO NOT feel sorry for him!!!! My H looked like shit at this stage too (as helpfully pointed out by one of my best friends). Now he's fine. Your P is also in shock but I think you should just concentrate on you - how concerned is he about your wellbeing??!?

Original poster
Kione · 22/07/2013 18:30

He is concerned, he keeps telling me to do things for myself, he has checked flights to go home to visit my family in September and other stuff. I cant help but to feel sorry for him in case he is saying the truth??

OP posts:
schmarn · 22/07/2013 18:47

Kione, if he was innocent, he would not be acting in this obviously guilty manner. If my wife accused me of infidelity when I got home, my initial response would be utter surprise followed by indignation followed by sitting down and saying "right, let me prove it to you, what do you want to see and know". I wouldn't say "you need a holiday" and pat her on the head.

Your husband has not acted surprised, he is just trying at every turn to change the topic of conversation and make it about you (as if it is all a fantasy created by your weak female hormones). This is what they call "gaslighting" in the adultery industry.

He has smelt your weakness from the outset as he knows you are desperate to believe him. If it is obvious to us readers who don't know the two of you, it will be plain as day to him. What a piece of work.

Call the hotel if you want your proof.

Original poster
Kione · 22/07/2013 18:55

He says he thinks if he gets angry hevis more afraid that I would leave. He said he didnt react badly because last week was probably one of my worst health wise and not getting my dream job. He said he knows hiw shit I feel slready and doesent want to make it worse.
About the hotel, he says they booked the rooms on the Company name and even if I called I doubt they will give me that information. Data protection and all that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 22/07/2013 18:58

And he acts guilty because ofvthe flirty texts. That is what he says. That is what it looks like.

OP posts:
TheOrchardKeeper · 22/07/2013 19:18

He shouldn't be acting guilty, just ashamed. Id be inclined to think he's hiding further guilt behind that.

Original poster
Kione · 22/07/2013 19:36

well he didnt eay the word guilty. he says embarrassed and ashamed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 22/07/2013 20:29

And I am not justifying him. Just want you all to understand why I am here and why I still have doubts. You are all being lovely.

OP posts:
mumat39 · 22/07/2013 23:03

Hi again.
Maybe call the hotel anyway, they might give you the info or they might not, but you could still try.
Hoping you'll start to feel a bit better soon.

Sending you Thanks and a hot choc Brew
Xxx

mumat39 · 22/07/2013 23:03

But do it when he's not around.

TheOrchardKeeper · 23/07/2013 07:25

So he basically said don't bother calling the hotel? Hmm

Surely that made you want to ring? That sounds quite fishy!

TheOrchardKeeper · 23/07/2013 07:27

^ about the flights to see your parents? Did he ask before he booked the tickets?

TheOrchardKeeper · 23/07/2013 07:30

I find it hard to believe that you can ever really come back from something so damaging & damning to be honest. Even if you never know what happened that night the flirty messages and his past behaviour alongside these current doubts may be something you can't move past, no matter how much you want to.

Original poster
Kione · 23/07/2013 10:02

He just said that he didnt give his name to the hotel. I said they might not give it to me anyway.
He didnt book the flights, he checked dates prices etc. snd printed them to show me. It was planned that we where going to go at some point.
I havent been a saint in past relationships and know that sometimes you can flirt but still love and want to be with someone...

OP posts:
schmarn · 23/07/2013 10:44

"He just said that he didnt give his name to the hotel."

Sorry, but this is such a giveaway. He's basically trying to stop you from calling. Instead of taking what he says at face value, call them up and ask. They may not have any record of his company having booked any rooms that night in which case he is lying. They may have names for the employees who did stay there (but not him) in which case he is lying. You won't know unless you call them and you can legitimately do it by saying that he left his diary/phone/tie there and giving them his name and the name of his company. My strong suspicion is that they will have no record of a booking from his company.

Alternatively, you will just have to accept what he says and move on as you have no other means of verifying his story.

TheOrchardKeeper · 23/07/2013 10:49

Well what harm will it do to call and ask if either him (under his name) or his company name had rooms booked?

Jan45 · 23/07/2013 11:29

Just catching up - at the end of the day the trust has been broken, if you're wanting to stay with him then just be aware that he has possibly cheated on you - you will probably never know now - if he hasn't then he will have had a taste of your reaction if he ever does and hopefully won't be so stupid in future to put the doubt in your head, he caused all of this, you did nothing, you're the innocent remember so stop feeling sorry for him - as far as I can see he defo stayed at hers that night but as has been said, there's no proof. I'd be finding it very hard to go back to being a normal couple now - good luck, I think you've a rocky road ahead.

Original poster
Kione · 23/07/2013 15:16

I want to call, no harm done but I just think that asking for a lost book/pad whatever after 8 months is strange. Also why would I ssk.if he had a room booked? more likely I would say did you find a pad in room number ...?
if I come up with a good thingbto ask I will call.
The company deffinitely booked rooms there, the party was at the same hotel (I have seen pictures) and they invited clients from different parts. Of course this doesnt me he stayed there but is in response to schman.

OP posts:
chaosagain · 23/07/2013 15:23

Having stayed in a lot of hotels over the years for work, I can't think of a single time where I didn't have to give my name for my room. Even in a company block booking, otherwise it'd get really confusing tracking which room is allocated or not and what expenses are being claimed by which employee. It may be different for his company, but it sounds odd.

You could just say that you're helping him with all his expenses and tax claims as he's a contract staff member and just wanted to check whether his room and any expenses there on this occasion was paid for by him or the company. Then if they confirm and say the company you can thank them and tell them you'll remove that from your list of administrative loose ends to chase re tax accounting..

Just a thought. Sounds like you need some clear information to back him up or expose a clear lie one way or the other..

Jan45 · 23/07/2013 15:29

Here's another thought, if he really cares about you believing him, then let HIM do the investigating to prove he stayed there.