BIL's sex addiction, don't know whether to tell SIL

[sodeveryone]

Name changed as this is quite specific.

DH received a panicky phonecall a few months ago from his brother and they spoke in a different language (they usually do) so I couldn't understand what they were saying but it sounded fraught. I asked DH what was going on and he revealed that his brother had been having multiple affairs, one night stands, prostitutes, hiring porn stars for sex since 2004 and one particular OW had started threatening to tell his wife and two children and was demanding money. BIL was asking DH what he should do. DH told him in no uncertain terms that he was not going to help him hide it.

DH and I went on holiday with BIL last week. His wife stayed home to look after their children. I arrived a few days later to give BIL and DH some time to bond and got there to find that BIL had hired an escort for the entire holiday. So we had breakfasts, lunches and dinners all with this escort. BIL acted as if it was fine. DH refused to speak to her and only engaged with BIL and I.

DH now hates talking about it, as he finds it all a bit dirty and he feels it affects their reputation as a family. He is ignoring the fact it is actually happening and hoping that it will go away. I have always been quite close to SIL but we live in separate countries, so technically we have only met about 10 times, but for extended holidays, in their family home, at our wedding etc. She is blissfully in the dark.

Would you tell her?

[DontmindifIdo]

You need to get your DH's head out of the sand, I would make it clear I was going ot tell SIL myself by a set date, until DH or BIL have talked to her first.

If you are right that BIL has a sex addiction, then his behaviour is going to get riskier and riskier - think about it, you said yourself it's gone from 'traditional' affair, to having more than one OW on the go at a time, to using prostitutes, to hiring porn stars who can do more extreme things, to now bring a prostitute on a family holiday and not even hiding his behaviour from his family, risking you'll tell his DW. If it's taking more and more extreme behaviour to get the 'fix' he needs, where's he going next? Having woman in the family home where his wife or DCs could catch him? (How's that going to be for his DCs happiness?) Or at work where he could lose his job? Or taking physical risks - not using condoms, and risking catching something, what impact would that have on his family?

If he does have a mental health problem (which if you think he's a sex addict, you think he does) then he needs professional help, sweeping it under the carpet isn't going to get him that help.

Sooner or later, your SIL is going to find out, might as well be now when he's only hulimated her in front of her family who'll keep it quiet and all it's cost them is money at a level they can afford.

[clam]

What Regina said.
Here you both are, you and your dh, feigning disgust and concern, yet you both condoned the whole sordid affair by continuing the holiday once you realised what was happening. Why didn't you get straight back on the plane?

And I'm afraid I think it sounds like your h protesteth too much. I'd be digging around to find out exactly what went on on that trip before you got there. And elsewhere.

[OctopusPete8]

Sorry I have posted before with the same point but hookers? porn stars? STI central!!!!!!, you need to tell her for her own safety, if he likes risks how safe is he being?

[theoriginalandbestrookie]

If the BILs behaviour is that bad it is hard to imagine that the wife does not have some inkling of what is going on, particularly as if you say she chooses to stay with the children and not go away with him.

I would bring it up in person with her in August but do it obliquely. She may not want to know.

Agree totally with LaRegina though. Both your behaviour and your DH's on holiday seem bizarre. Your DH was perfectly well placed to read his DB the riot act and tell him that no way on earth would he or you spend time with him whilst he was paying for the services of a prostitute in front of you. Both of you, by staying in their company, are actively condoning his actions. I can't understand why you would do that.

[4x4]

Is your BIL Middle Eastern ?
I only ask because I am married to an Arab and live in the Gulf where this carry on is common and wives ( not me, I'd kill him) are naive or just ignore it.

[TheRealFellatio]

Exactly as I said above!

[raisah]

He went on holiday with an escort & left his wife behind to care for his kids while he had a fun time?

Tell her. He deserves to be blackmailed but his wife & kids don't deserve to suffer the consequences of his atrocious behaviour.

[sodeveryone]

I really appreciate the responses, but it is pointless telling me that it is me, DH or our marriage which has the problem. This is not an essay question where you have to do literary criticism like an English a level. I asked a specific question - should I tell SIL? Not "my BIL uses hookers and porn stars - discuss."

I have come to a conclusion, I am going to tell her when I next see her, obliquely, as one of you said.

[clam]

OK, well good luck with it all.

[riskit4abiskit]

good luck - I told a friend about an affair I found about about, and when I told him it affirmed his suspicions, so he already suspected, but telling him sort of made him take action and make it 'real'. It all kicked off for a few days, but I never regretted telling him. it was the right thing to do, and it would have eaten away at me if I hadn't. if it were me, I would want someone to tell me.

good luck

[sodeveryone]

thanks riskit4abiskit

[Twinklestein]

I think you've made the right decision OP.

As regards STIs, this isn't just about sexual infection - this is about her long term health. The obvious risk is HIV, but other more STIs have serious long term health risks, if untreated. Most people know the long term effects of Chlamydia, but Gonorrhea, if untreated, can lead to pelvic inflammatory disease, arthritis, infection of the blood, heart valve, or brain. And women tend not to have early symptoms. Syphylis, of which there has been a resurgence in recent years, can lead to damage to internal organs including the eyes, heart, nervous system, blood vessels, liver, bones, brain.

BIL has been up to snuff for nearly 10 years.

I think you need to go over this with your husband, because his focus seems to be specifically on the children, overlooking the wife, and her health is in danger. You both have a moral responsibility to her & he's got to man up & face it.

So, I would tell her what you know - from the holiday, to the information you have from your DH, & emphasise her health & the importance of getting it checked out.

If she's Middle Eastern she may not be able to leave without losing her kids, but at least she can protect her health.

[LaRegina]

OP Fair enough, it's your life. I am just quite simply mistified at how you or your h could have stayed with your bil in that situation. Did you actually get any enjoyment out of your holiday at all? And who's idea was it for your h to have a few days there 'alone' with his b first?

[sodeveryone]

LaRegina this is an insecurity you're placing in my head that originally wasn't there. Why should I not allow a scenario where my DH and his brother- who barely see each other - spend some quality time together without me?

[sodeveryone]

DH and I had a good time because we were together. The hooker posed as BIL's "friend," and they were not physical with each other in front of us, so when I initially arrived I thought this was the case.

It was a 5 day holiday - two days BIL and DH alone (no hooker, apparently,) then when I flew out hooker appeared, took me a couple of days to work out she was a hooker then on the last day, totally shocked and unsure about everything and arguing with DH who was arguing with BIL by that point. DH and I then left and flew elsewhere for a couple of days alone.

This was all last week.

I got back on Saturday, thought about it, and posted it on here today (Monday) and am working out HOW exactly I'm going to tell her.

[sodeveryone]

So I haven't been lying back in the sunshine, in the circumstances and spending spa days with the hooker like she is the new SIL. I have just taken a couple of days to work out what I thought and sort through my own head about this family and how the dynamics work.

I find that impulsive reactions do not work.

[carmenelectra]

What a bizarre story.

Now this is not a sex addiction, rather a very rich man using his status to buy whatever woman and sexual fantasy he wants. Still having a mug of a wife at home who provided the family. She probably has an idea but will probably still stay with him anyway.

Now technically, I would say but out and don't get involved, BUT you are involved. You were involved the minute you turned up on hol to find your bil's companion was not his wife or even bit on the side but a prostitute!

You stayed on that holiday! Why?I would have gone mad at him putting me in that position! Does he think you are a mug too? A good little wifey?

And considering your dh is so outraged why didn't he fuck off as soon as he realised the set up??

I'd also be very 'hmm' about the mix up of rooms. Really? Is he really so different to his brother op? Or is he more 'respectful' by keeping it discrete?

As for ignorong the prostitute well I would too, I'd have ignored bil too! Is she some sub species? The way these men are being described, I'm guessing a prostitute is fine for sex but not in the league of 'normal' women. Having said that, if I caught my dp with a prostitute she's get a slap, but my dp would get an even bigger one.

[Childcareisscary]

Dear sodeveryone
This is a very serious thread, but you have cracked me up laughing with one of your responses.
I really appreciate the responses, but it is pointless telling me that it is me, DH or our marriage which has the problem. This is not an essay question where you have to do literary criticism like an English a level. I asked a specific question - should I tell SIL? Not "my BIL uses hookers and porn stars - discuss."

I couldn't help it, I just burst out laughing very loud, and my downstairs neighbours must think I'm mad.
I think telling her obliquely is a good idea, but without being in the firing line.

[garlicsmutty]

I really liked that, too :)

Congrats on reaching - well, the only possible decision, really, though I understand what a minefield it seems from where you're perched. You're friends with the woman, so you know what sort of approach is most likely to get through to her with minimum fallout for you & DH. She's going to need some support, that much seems certain.

Just be careful, please, not to make it too oblique. Most people would experience a strong urge to become 'deaf' to the facts - I know people tried to tell me about my XH, but I heard their words while ignoring the message behind them. I bloody kicked myself later.

[TheRealFellatio]

Haha - yes, only on MN can the poor old OP ask for advice on a very specific topic, and end up defending herself over some other agenda entirely!

I think it's safe to say that if sod's husband had wanted some bonding time and hooker fun with his brother he wouldn't have taken her with him at all.

As the BIL married quite young is it possible that it was an arranged or introduced marriage, or some kind of marriage of convenience to a cousin? Perhaps they've never really been that into one another? Not excusing his behaviour, obviously, but it would go a bit of a way to explaining it.

[DontmindifIdo]

Well, I'm not sure I'd have been any happier to arrive on holiday to find my BIL there with a girlfriend, not SIL, than I would be to find out that she was being paid for her time. I don't think I could have sat down to eat with him at all knowing he was with another woman, regardless of what the status of that woman was. I wouldn't have ignored her, I'd have refused to have anythign to do with him.

Anyway, that's me, not you.

You are right to tell SIL, personally I'd do it sooner rather than in August. Her health is important. Can you talk to your DH and ask him if he'd rather tell her or tell BIL that he's going to tell her to give BIL a chance to come clean?

Does your DH think his brother has a problem or that he's just got a complete arse for a brother? If you agree it's that he's got problems, then you need to find a way to get BIL some help.

[LaRegina]

Sod I'm sorry, I'm not trying to make you insecure; it's just as always on MNet when you read half a story, you (me!) can't help working out the other half...

I agree there's nothing wrong with you being happy for your H to spend a few days alone with his B, it's just that when it then becomes apparent that those days have actually been your H, his B & a hooker, and that your H has chosen to stay there and not walk, personally I would struggle to not have my imagination running overtime.

And btw, to all those talking about how the BIL may need 'help' - IMO he just sounds like a misogynistic prick, not somebody needing treatment for a mental problem out of their control. I would save your concern and pity for his wife.

[OctopusPete8]

I agree with regina actually as much as I don't want to upset you.
I wouldn't have left that alone tbh, I think maybe you should have a word.

[garlicagain]

Am I the only one to assume BIL is a bit of a bully? I had supposed Mr Sod is somewhat in awe of him (under his thumb), hence the feelings of paralysis when confronted by his massive boundary-crossing on holiday.

[sodeveryone]

The problem is if I tell her before August it would have to be over email or on the phone. And when you can't be with someone in that moment you have no clue how they are reacting. Also she and I never speak on the phone. We occasionally text (very occasionally). So getting an email, call or text out of the blue from me would be very surprising for her - plus English is her second language, plus would give BIL time to minimise if he was going to do it. In August we have planned to spend a day together so I think that's much better - I can deal with issues as they come up. Also spending time together might actually make her open up about something she's insecure about.

I understand what you mean when you said I should've just walked out, but this is actually a very careful dance of family dunamica, whiff wrong cultures, language barriers. You end up learning more and being more useful just watching and then figuring out what to do, rather than being Ms Boundaries and throwing fits.