BIL's sex addiction, don't know whether to tell SIL

[sodeveryone]

Name changed as this is quite specific.

DH received a panicky phonecall a few months ago from his brother and they spoke in a different language (they usually do) so I couldn't understand what they were saying but it sounded fraught. I asked DH what was going on and he revealed that his brother had been having multiple affairs, one night stands, prostitutes, hiring porn stars for sex since 2004 and one particular OW had started threatening to tell his wife and two children and was demanding money. BIL was asking DH what he should do. DH told him in no uncertain terms that he was not going to help him hide it.

DH and I went on holiday with BIL last week. His wife stayed home to look after their children. I arrived a few days later to give BIL and DH some time to bond and got there to find that BIL had hired an escort for the entire holiday. So we had breakfasts, lunches and dinners all with this escort. BIL acted as if it was fine. DH refused to speak to her and only engaged with BIL and I.

DH now hates talking about it, as he finds it all a bit dirty and he feels it affects their reputation as a family. He is ignoring the fact it is actually happening and hoping that it will go away. I have always been quite close to SIL but we live in separate countries, so technically we have only met about 10 times, but for extended holidays, in their family home, at our wedding etc. She is blissfully in the dark.

Would you tell her?

[sodeveryone]

and what do I say if she knows already and gets upset with me for bringing it up?

[sodeveryone]

cogito did you actually see my post? I said I saw BIL pick her up as I was coming back from the loo during one of our meals. He told her his name and I saw her typing it into his iphone. To me she was just a normal woman, but when DH opened the door that evening, he said she was a hooker. It was the same girl.

[sodeveryone]

into *her iphone

[Wossname]

There is no way on earth any person i know would tolerate a married relative bringing a prostitute on holiday.

[Southeastdweller]

Of course the messenger will get shot but better she knows and your DH is lacking a spine obviously.

I had to re-read your post as I didn't believe the first time what you said about him taking the prostitute on holiday with you and your DH. I'm stunned you didn't say anything.

[sodeveryone]

I tell her straight and say - "I spent that week in July on holiday with your husband and a hooker. Did you know this was happening?"

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Just tell her that you're very sorry but, when you were on holiday with her husband, he hired a hooker for the duration. Tell her as well that you know he's done this kind of thing regularly. She may decide his millions mean she can turn a blind eye. She may decide to sue him for half. Either way she can at least make a choice

This isn't some 'he said, she said' hearsay secondhand possibility of a dodgy affair where you keep your beak out. This is blatant.

[sodeveryone]

DH and I weren't with them most of the time. It's not as if we were all sightseeing together and I saw in the spa getting pedicures with her. We saw BIL for meals and she would turn up and we'd all not talk. Then they'd leave.

[sodeveryone]

OK I'll do that. I'm very prepared to do it. Just got to pick my moment.

[sodeveryone]

I have a really strong feeling she'll pretend I didn't say it.

[Childcareisscary]

The messenger always gets shot. Tell her without letting her know it's you.
What if she knows already and turns a blind eye?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If she pretends you didn't say it, your conscience is clear. Say nothing and you're letting the woman down. When you see her in August are you going to have to see this execrable BIL at the same time?....

[sodeveryone]

There are some photos I have of DH on holiday by the pool with BIL and hooker in background. SIL is on facebook - should I just put them up?!

[mynameisslimshady]

The thing is, if you tell her and she knows and doesn't want to hear it, or doesn't know and he talks his way out of it, then it will be you and your dh who lose out and she will have no one there to support her when it all does come to light.

Or it could cause a huge rift in your dh's extended family and she could just bugger off with the kids and you would have to live with a family feud forever.

If the situation was different and she lived nearer, or if she wasn't just about to find out then I would be the first one saying 'tell her' but as it is I don't think you should.

Any chance you or your dh could get your BIL to confess before it all comes out?

And NO do not put it on FB

[Geordieminx]

Do not put pics on fb... It's hideous and humiliating. Ffs

[Fairylea]

No no no to facebook. Jeremy Kyle written all over it if you do that.

I'd take the photos to her personally and tell her.

[sodeveryone]

I don't mean I'd announce it on FB, I'd just post my holiday snaps which would make it obvious, and I know she;ll look (BIL is not on facebook) and will have the response she needs to have, rather than me pulling her aside?

[sodeveryone]

I'm not talking about facebook as a humilation option, I'm talking about it as a halfway measure if she already knows.

[Lweji]

Definitely not on FB.
It will only humiliate her.

If you do tell her, it should be in confidence for her to do as she thinks best.
You can tell her that you thought she should know about it, but will support her in any decision she makes.

I wouldn't be with BIL if he hangs out with prostitutes

[MadBusLady]

If that's your gut feeling, then I guess that implies she does know, on some level at least, and accepts it.

I would still say it. Her sexual health alone makes it a no-brainer, it's common human decency. Then you've done the best you can.

Your DH sounds very muddled up about this. By "not affecting the children" I take it he means them staying together at any/all costs?

[sodeveryone]

I have told someone in the past when their DP was having an affair and it backfired. She pretended I hadn't said it, and she and her DP both turned against me. If I do that within my family, that then becomes an even bigger problem.

[mynameisslimshady]

You wouldn't just be announcing it to her with the obvious photos though, you will be announcing it to all of his friends, and yours for that matter. Maybe email the snaps over to her if that's how you are choosing to tell her, but not on FB.

[morethanpotatoprints]

Hello OP.

I have read your posts again and there are loads of red flags both with your bil and your dh.

Ok, are you sure your dh didn't know about prostitutes before he went?
whose idea was it for them to go earlier than you?
Why would a man whose not hiding anything from his dw talk in a foreign language? I can understand why bil would.
The prostitute getting the wrong room, coincidence or not?
Your dhs comments about him being bothered about his brothers dc, just seem weird.
Your dh sounds too disgusted with his brother considering his actions. He could have made a stand and gone home.

OP, I am not usually a suspicious person, but agree with others that this is so fishy, I can smell it from here.

[Lweji]

X-post.

If you do post the photos, then they should be visible only for her.

Still, you'd be saying you know, and didn't tell her, and were complicit with BIL. Is that the message you want to give?

[bellablot]

Don't say a thing, it's not worth it in the long run.

My guess is she's knows already, they may even have an agreement an open marriage type thing.

It's really no-ones business what he does, it'll all come out in the wash.

You must really trust your DH for going on holiday with his brother and hooker, bizarre but admiral able at the same time.

Good luck with it all!