BIL's sex addiction, don't know whether to tell SIL

[sodeveryone]

Name changed as this is quite specific.

DH received a panicky phonecall a few months ago from his brother and they spoke in a different language (they usually do) so I couldn't understand what they were saying but it sounded fraught. I asked DH what was going on and he revealed that his brother had been having multiple affairs, one night stands, prostitutes, hiring porn stars for sex since 2004 and one particular OW had started threatening to tell his wife and two children and was demanding money. BIL was asking DH what he should do. DH told him in no uncertain terms that he was not going to help him hide it.

DH and I went on holiday with BIL last week. His wife stayed home to look after their children. I arrived a few days later to give BIL and DH some time to bond and got there to find that BIL had hired an escort for the entire holiday. So we had breakfasts, lunches and dinners all with this escort. BIL acted as if it was fine. DH refused to speak to her and only engaged with BIL and I.

DH now hates talking about it, as he finds it all a bit dirty and he feels it affects their reputation as a family. He is ignoring the fact it is actually happening and hoping that it will go away. I have always been quite close to SIL but we live in separate countries, so technically we have only met about 10 times, but for extended holidays, in their family home, at our wedding etc. She is blissfully in the dark.

Would you tell her?

DH wants them to stay together and is trying to put plasters over things until he feels that his brother gets out of this "phase". I have heard DH shout at his brother about this over again and read the texts between them. The main OW even called DH to tell him that she loved BIL and he told her to fuck off. So it's not as if DH is just letting it happen.

Lweji I agree I should tell her that I'll support her in any decision she makes. Dh would agree with that too.

Trust cognito to make you doubt yourself. ea, cognito? deal with the problem in hand, rather than gas lighting and making her question her set of events. justify your ea. ps, saw your disgusting comments on depression. care to pm me?

bellablot DH going on holiday with BIL and BIL getting a hooker made me upset. My DH is a lot older than BIL and got married to me a lot later (at age 40, whereas BIL got married at age 24). DH says he's sown all his wild oats. I know my boundaries too, I would never stay with DH if he cheated.

I woould tell her face to face about the holiday - I wouldnt mention all the other stuff you have been told about - just stick to what you KNOW about
tell her what happened - I bet she knows already TBH

Tell her to get herself tested for STIs as her husband has been banging porn stars and escort, all while on vacation with you.

IMO, it depends on what country they come from.
Thai women would much prefer a man to use a prostitute than have an affair or take a mia noi (minor wife) because it is less costly financially in the long run.
I don't envy you one bit OP. You are damned if you do, damned if you don't.
I am not sure how you could subtly go about suggesting a STI test, but that is essential.
Good luck.

Say nothing. My DS told me about her four year affair, she doesn't know the paternity of her middle son. The only thing to do is Shut The Fuck Up. I see no benefit from letting the alternative out.

This doesn't make sense. If SIL does know about her husband, she will either know or strongly suspect you know, too, and may even have found out about the escort. If I knew I was with a raging slag of a husband, and he went on holiday without me, I would find out who else was there.

So, either she knows and SHE WILL KNOW YOU'RE LYING TO HER FACE, or she doesn't know but is going to find out via the blackmailing girlfriend. If she knows, she'll know she can't trust you. If she doesn't know yet, she's going to find out she can't trust you. And that you chose not to alert her to a possible STI.

I don't think you have a choice. You're going to have to tell her, and it's her husband who's put you in this predicament. Well, hers and yours tbh.

In my experience, the messenger doesn't always get shot! You have to be careful how you break it - honestly and gently, don't go barging in OR pussyfoot around. And remember you'll be saving her from the OW sapping away the family fortunes before dropping her in it anyway. You could make that your main line of approach - but tell her about the holiday, too, or you'll be implicated for ever more.

Why would a man whose not hiding anything from his dw talk in a foreign language?

Maybe it is his native language? Foreign to OP maybe, but not to him? I agree there are other fishy aspects to this, but a man talking to his own brother in the language they grew up in is normal, no?

" care to pm me?"

Care to take a running jump?

Ok, firstly you very kindly but somewhat naively assume that your BIL has some kind of addiction problem, but it sounds to me as though he has Entitled Rich Misogynist probably Arab and almost certainly Muslim Syndrome.

I live somewhere where this kind of behaviour among the rich locals is rife.

He clearly has no shame if he brings this woman along for the week knowing full well you are there to see it, which means he doesn't care if you disapprove, and he probably doesn't care if you tell his wife. Because she sounds like a chattel. And she probably knows that if she kicks up a fuss she will lose her children. What kind of a millionaire goes on holiday and leaves his wife to 'look after the children?'

Either they have staff to do that, or they can all afford to go together, or he needs his 'Bachelor Time' away from them and she accepts this, or turns a bline eye because she thinks she has no choice. Is she from the same culture as him?

I would be a seriously controlling person if I insisted that my DH wasn't allowed to speak his native language with his brother and that they should speak my language (their third language) all the time to each other!

When they are both with me they speak English.

Yes what I don't get about SIL is that BIL's behaviour seems quite obvious. She never comes away with us, she would always prefer to be with her kids. He has the money for nannies and staff etc but her choice is always to be with her children.

Maybe she doesn't like him very much, is only in it for the money and has lovers on the side herself? Still think you should tell her. The man's behaviour is so blatant that it's insulting.

TheRealFellatio I think he has an addiction because he not just content with one sexual experience a night or the same woman (he is even bored of the several OW) . He seems to need to keep elevating the experience for himself. A hooker is not enough, he needs a porn star with a particular speciality in this or that.

I agree that he is also an arsehole and an entitled misogynist, but I do also think it's an addiction that has developed out of that.

But what about your DH's promise not to hide things on his brother's behalf? Why is he back-pedalling on that one?

Hmm, this is really difficult but I also think you shouldn't say anything. I would be amazed if she doesn't know anything about Bil's epic scale philandering. I doubt she'll thank you for bringing it to her attention in this way, and you could cause problems in your own marriage too. I know it sucks but a LOT of women live like this, especial in highly patriarchal cultures. I think you should keep quiet.

What a vile man.

I think you should say something.

If she finds out you knew and didn't tell her, it might ruin your relationship that you have.

Even if she does know, she'll know that she can trust you to tell the truth.

Either way, it's best to admit that you know but be kind to her and be there for her if she needs you.

Does your DH believe that SIL doesn't know then as it sounds like that is the case?

Depends a lot on the cultural background to how to approach these kind of things sometimes so use what you know about their culture to help you.

I wish you luck as it's not easy.

I am honestly shocked you didn't walk away from meals etc and refuse to talk to your BIL when he had a prostitute with him, how did you manage not to give him a piece of your mind and call him on his behaviour at that time?

Anyway, yes, tell SIL, sooner rather than later, she might already know and accepted that her husband shagging about it the price she pays for what sounds like a very lavish lifestyle (a lot of couples do have certain different 'deals', it could well be she turns a blind eye but knows), or it could be news to her, and then she needs to be able to get her own health checked out if he's shagging multiple woman and his wife. I'd tell her now, call her and tell her, rather than wait until August.

As for your DH, point out that BIL made it your business when he brought a prostiute with him on a holiday when you were there, he decided to involve you as well as DH and can't just expect you to keep it a secret without bothering to check with you first if this is the sort of thing you are ok with. Tell your DH you won't like to SIL and intend to tell her this week, he can get in first and tell her insted if he's prefer, or tell BIL so BIL can tell her.

If BIL wanted this to stay his dirty little secret, he should not have started involving extended family. He has created this situation.

DH and I refused to talk to the hooker when she was there, plus DH had many arguments over the holiday with BIL about her. But, like many people will with family, he will not do what he sees as blatantly going against his brother's wishes. DH's beliefs - shoot them down if you will - are that children are happier and healthier in a two-parent family and his main focus is on BIL's children and their happiness and security.

I think that DH would secretely like us to arrange for SIL to find out about his behaviour by accident. Maybe that accident should be me...

" DH's beliefs - shoot them down if you will"

He said he wouldn't hide things to protect his brother. So his beliefs are rather shot full of holes...

You and your DH are already involved up to your necks.
Your BIL involved you both the day he decided it was OK to take an escort with him on your holiday.

I think your DH needs to tell his SIL and if he won't you must. SILs health and future fertility are at risk. In terms of providing a good family environment for SILs children, then a supportive extended family is a huge asset and beats sticking with an arse of an H hands down.

I agree, when he took an escort on holiday he stopped it being his secret to keep and made it your business.

What you do with it is up to you. But I do think you ought to tell your SIL and face up to the fact your DH is likely up to no good as well.

cogito it's what I said in my first post - DH will not act as a cover for BIL if the main OW spills the beans to SIL.

DH is just burying his head in the sand - full stop.

We don't think that she knows. All the messages she sends DH are about how much she loves BIL. I think she is either a great actress or a total wimp.

sod why oh why did you not turn around and leave the moment you arrived on holiday and discovered you would be spending it in the company of a prostitute? And why did your H not turn around and leave the moment he arrived on holiday (before you) and discovered this also? Why was he happy to stay and let you walk in on such a horrible and ridiculous situation?

Taking it all at face value and assuming it really is just how you say it is - what strikes me is two things. Firstly it's all very well your H not approving, but him being happy to talk to his brother on holiday but not the hooker is a bit strange really - she wasn't the cheating sleazebag; he is.

And for you to now decide you may want to tell his wife - IMO that would have been fine if you had walked away and refused to get involved the moment you discovered what was happening on holiday, but since you did 'go along' with it, I don't think that gives you much room to take the moral high ground now. There is no way in a million years I could have sat through a holiday in that situation - or that DH could have done either. The shit would have hit the fan within seconds of us finding out and we would have been out of there.

Sorry but there is definitely more to this story.