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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

6 months after affair...

81 replies

swannylovesu · 14/07/2013 21:45

...and today we moved home. OW lived 4 doors away as was my "best friend". So its been an interesting few months. DH is still mortifies by his behaviour and i am still healing, but today for the first time this year i can honestly say we might just get over this. Just wanted to share x

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 14/07/2013 22:08

I am glad for you and hope that you can heal and forgive and make a new life and that your DH continues to realise the great hurt and harm he did and how blessed he is still to have you

good luck

Vivacia · 14/07/2013 22:10

People might be interested to hear more about your story. How has your relationship survived? What plans and hopes do you have for the future?

Original poster
swannylovesu · 14/07/2013 22:36

This could get a bit long. Back in october last year DH admitted he wasnt happy, followed by an admission that he'd kissed my best friend while they were pissed. He left our home and while i though he was having space he kept on seeing her (and me). i was drip fed the truth until it all came out at christmas. He cant explain his behaviour, just mortified at how he behaved. I found an email to his friend which basically said he seemed like he had been in a daze and suddenly woke up and had a "what the fuck am i doing" moment a week before xmas. He admitted everything and begged for a second chance. We've been together 18yrs and have 2ds. It took a lot of soul searching from me to decide if i could get over this and see a future for us. i decided i wanted to see if i could forgive, funny what love does eh?? its been a rough few months, lots of tears and anger but he fully accepts it. He knows he fucked up on a level that breaks the scale of levels, only last week we had a proper "tell me everything" conversation and although painful they do help.

I know some people will think i'm mad for trying again, but i wanted to..crazy as that sounds.

OP posts:
Original poster
swannylovesu · 14/07/2013 22:43

And...this may sound cliched...but things are better now. we make an effort again, we tell each other how we feel, we cuddle and spend time together....its nice again. shame it took an affair to make us both realise what we have!!!

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 15/07/2013 11:02

why would you be mad for trying? It is not obligatory to try again...but if what you have can survive and grow in the wake of total disclosure and a willingness to work out forgiveness that can only be a good thing. I applaud you. It seems you are working together for your joint future. I wish you every blessing in it

faulkernegger · 15/07/2013 11:23

So glad it's working out for you. To help me in my current situation - how long did he leave home for? did you 'kick' him out or was it his idea?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/07/2013 11:25

You're not mad for trying again and I wish you well but do be prepared for this period of euphoria to wear off now that you're feeling more relaxed, he seems to be making an effort and the immediate crisis is over. You've only had the full story for a week and it can take some time for the reality to properly sink in. Don't be surprised if you cycle through more periods of tears and anger yet.

debsdoodaa · 15/07/2013 11:28

Hi, my first thread so forgive any errors. I am at 7 months now since finding out about his dirty affair and don't believe there is a way forwards. I have to ask you though HOW you get a "tell me everything" convo?? That is so desperately what I need to see if there is any possibility of a chance but he comes out with the same old basic crap - none of which gives any detail to help me..... I am not asking for a sneak at who touched who where talk just some honest answers such as Why?? How did you get something of your guy as it would help me whether we worked it out or not. And yes, 7 months ago I would have thought you crazy; now I am not so sure - best of luck to you all.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/07/2013 11:32

"you get a "tell me everything" convo?? "

The cheat has to be contrite enough or feel threatened enough to tell the truth. In your case if you're just getting 'basic crap', your cheat doesn't think you deserve either.

debsdoodaa · 15/07/2013 11:57

hmmm you know, I am a perfectly sane, rational, intelligent, analytical person but this bombshell stopped me in my tracks. As simply plain as your comment was, that would never had occured to me. You are bloody right. He says he doesn't know why he did it, it was "only" three times, it wasn't actually worth it blah blah blah. My research (via receipts, pockets, bank statements) was pretty thorough and it had been going on at least six months. I found out two days before MumInLaw came for Christmas and kids back from Uni so 3 weeks before it could even be discussed in any form.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/07/2013 12:31

'it doesn't matter to me so why should it matter to you'.... or minimising the severity and effect of the behaviour, is a very selfish and disrespectful attitude to take. No remorse, no attempt to empathise with the hurt caused &.. worst of all IME... no reassurance that such a trivial unimportant, throwaway event wouldn't happen again.

debsdoodaa · 15/07/2013 12:55

Hahahaha, that is so funny. It happened again last week !!!! Oh, he has been very understanding (verbally) that it hurt, was painful, "will never put (us!) through that again", loves the bones of me (what a crap saying), begs, pleads, looks like a stupid kid trying to be ultra dramatic in a school play. But yeah, he is still seeing the sluttish trollop bitch of a slapper. I lost my job six months ago so now have no personal income and he only transfers little bits mostly to cover DD's/SO's - not enough for me to travel by rail or car any distance - its like being in prison. Am I OK posting on here as this thread belongs to Swanny?

debsdoodaa · 15/07/2013 12:57

Sorry to see you also had this experience by the way.

Wellwobbly · 15/07/2013 13:10

Swanny, fabulous post and good luck to you. I think the hope lies in 'what the f am I doing'? and the complete honesty.

My H did want to repair what he had done - until he found out just how horrible it was going to be - for him. To be 100% honest which would spell out his behaviour, his selfishness, his unlove.

Then he backpedalled fast.

I think the key lies in the remorse. A real old fashioned word which results in an equally old fashioned concept - repentence.

Looksgoodingravy · 15/07/2013 13:30

Good for you Swanny, hope it works out for you.

I'm still with dp, over a year since discovery when my life (as I knew it) changed forever.

He's been remorseful and patient, I still have 'off' days and he's always willing to sit and talk about anything and everything.

I'm still not at the forgiving stage yet but I've come a long way and getting stronger every day.

Wellwobbly · 15/07/2013 13:32

Well done Gravy, it takes so much time to repair that trust, and Mr Gravy is showing willing. Mr Wobbly shut down the information very fast with some stupid advice from his councellor.

Unfortuantely Debs and I seem to be in the majority.

Original poster
swannylovesu · 15/07/2013 13:37

thanks for your replies. He left of his own accord, like a coward and admitted the affair in a letter the same night. he was away for 2 months and came back at new year. I'm still at a point where i can love him and want to smack him in the face for being so stupid. He HAS to put up with mood swings, but if he wanted an easier life he shouldnt have placed his dick in another vagina (i love that line). He has said that he never had feelings for her...but who knows eh!! all i can do is hope we can get over it and move on.

OP posts:
debsdoodaa · 15/07/2013 13:48

You are both very brave. Clearly the only way of getting them to be open and talking is because they want to. You have helped place one big tick in a query box for me - the others now will follow-thank you both.

Original poster
swannylovesu · 15/07/2013 13:49

i got a tell me everything convo because i demanded it. i had to know what happened before i could move on. we had a further one last week as i had an incident with the OW and it shook me...so i had it out with him again..

OP posts:
Original poster
swannylovesu · 15/07/2013 13:50

debs, i'm always around if u need to talk x

OP posts:
debsdoodaa · 15/07/2013 13:59

Would love to take you up on the offer but frankly it has taken six months to even putting anything on here since Christmas. No one knows. It breaks my heart and I just cry still so talking about it is not possible !!!! A snotty nose is not over attractive hehehe. I stay angry with idiot as it is the only way I can cope. It was lovely to hear you and Gravy had/were making it work out.

debsdoodaa · 15/07/2013 14:00

Sorry, ARE making it work out.

Mosman · 15/07/2013 14:08

My stbex has some how turned all this into my fault apparently because I didn't listen to him he gets to scream and shout at me, to send 225 texts to a 22 year old single mum he met on a course, he lied I'm counselling and is finally six months later moving out.
I'd love some advice on how to let go of the sheer anger I feel still six months on.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/07/2013 14:16

You'll only let go of the anger when you genuinely stop caring about him and when he has no influence on your life. I'm afraid that's just a matter of time. In between then and now do everything you can to exclude him from your environment, mental as well as physical. Fill your days and your mind with other, better things and one day you'll find that not only has the anger gone, you haven't thought about him for a few weeks either ...

debsdoodaa · 15/07/2013 14:23

Someone else PLEASE ask a question of these wonderful ladies as well. I am getting answers to questions here.