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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

6 months after affair...

81 replies

swannylovesu · 14/07/2013 21:45

...and today we moved home. OW lived 4 doors away as was my "best friend". So its been an interesting few months. DH is still mortifies by his behaviour and i am still healing, but today for the first time this year i can honestly say we might just get over this. Just wanted to share x

OP posts:
Mosman · 15/07/2013 14:25

Could I not just hit him with a frying pan .... I'm sure that would help.
I've told him when he moves out he's not to be in touch for six- eight weeks to give me space and get the anniversary of him fucking her on my birthday out of the way. I'm hoping he might be involved in some sort of traffic accident during that time but failing that I shall be fit as fuck and speaking fluent Italian with all those hours I need to fill.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/07/2013 14:30

"He has said that he never had feelings for her...but who knows eh!!"

This would bother me. Where there are no feelings and it was just some casual, random, 'take it or leave it', thoughtless, impulsive act then what's to stop it happening again another time? What would happen if/when he meets someone for whom he does have feelings?

Like I say OP, you've only had this information for a week and that's very early days for something as shattering as this. It's once the best behaviour 'second honeymoon' period is over, your sense of relief subsides, and the dust has settled that you'll really have to start examining how you feel.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/07/2013 14:33

"Could I not just hit him with a frying pan .... I'm sure that would help"

You'd have to form an orderly queue behind the other MN-ers that have been following your story... :) It's a cliché to say that the best revenge is to live well but it's certainly a happier, calmer way to approach the rest of a perfectly good life than to allow it to be spoiled by bitterness.

Original poster
swannylovesu · 15/07/2013 14:48

cognito, i've had all the info for 6months..we had another tell all talk last week where he just confirmed what i already knew. By feelings i mean he didnt love her, i asked him 100 times and he said no...hes been honest about everything else so i have to go with him on this.

My anger initially was against them both but now my blood boils mostly for the OW..she knew me inside out and fron what i can gather used it all against me to try and get him to move in with her (this has been told to me by mutual friends not dh). I KNOW the blame lies with both of them but while dh has been open and honest, shes still denying it all happened, that it was all him (again i know it was 6 of one, half a dozen of the other).

One thing i did want to know if there is anyone reading this who is maybe further down the line is...how do you cope with being placed on a pedistal?? that sounds odd, but i just want us to be normal, i dont want to be worshipped like some goddess who saved his life....i forgave him...that all...

OP posts:
Upnotdown · 15/07/2013 15:18

Just wanted to say, OP, that we are 12 months down the line and our story/situation is very similar except I didn't know the OW. Allow him to treat you well and do the same back - my DP is the same. I don't want him to say 'sorry' or 'thank you' all the time but I do love to feel wanted and appreciated and loved.

I am also furious at the OW - in our case, she's denying it was an affair and tried to sue me for defamation when I let her boss know (they worked together). She failed but kept it going via her solicitor for 6 months - it was horrendous. Then started making crank calls to my house, saying it was 'child services', posting pics of her and DP (not rude ones) on the internet, writing emails to him saying 'you know you love me and my arms are open' kind of stuff and cc'ing me in etc... Disgusting piece of work.

We are happier and stronger than we've been in a very long time - it's been tough at times but always what we both wanted. I wish you all the happiness in the world.

Wellwobbly · 15/07/2013 15:25

Deb have you read this:

(chumplady.com/2013/07/real-remorse-or-genuine-imitation-naugahyde-remorse/)

We who have been betrayed truly truly understand what agony it is. Your snot-filled nose won't raise an eyebrow - we have walked in your shoes.

'Society' just doesn't understand what heartbreak betrayal is. It is mind-bendingly hurtful.

Mosman · 15/07/2013 15:31

I know you're right of course and I am making lovely plans for Christmas and NYE etc that he shall be funding whilst sat snivelling in his bedsit.

debsdoodaa · 15/07/2013 15:36

Wobbly - will read it now. Thanking you xx

Rulesgirl · 15/07/2013 16:11

Hi Swanny ....I'm nine years down the line and its still brilliant. It gets easier honest. Let him put you on a pedestal ...he is just so relieved to have worked out that he really loves " you" . PM me if you like Smile

Original poster
swannylovesu · 15/07/2013 16:24

upnotdown....that is exactley what i needed to hear!! thank u so much Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
swannylovesu · 15/07/2013 16:28

ah thanks Rulesgirl. nice to know that there are people out there like you lovely lot x

OP posts:
debsdoodaa · 15/07/2013 16:29

Wobbly - a fabulous read and nose well and truely wiped - in fairness he attempted 1) quite hard but failed all the others !!! I'm getting some fire back in my belly although now phooing myself that its time to get moving on. In six months I lost my job (company went bust), found I had IIH (excess fluid in my head that threatens my eyesight) and dickhead had been/still is a cheating little bastard. But I am lucky - my kids love me, I still look OK (except for the belly!), can get a well paid job (its waiting for me somewhere) and can be strong again. You lovely ladies have been a great help.

A couple of quotes for others - well, I found them funny.
"Grief takes time, and you usually flounder through all the steps, before you get to flaming dog turd acceptance". "The affair partner hasn?t discovered the full magnitude of the cheater?s suckitude yet (look how long it took you), but oh, they will". "Congress of the fucked over eh"!
Was searching for a job to get back some independance and money to move on but let's face it, that was an excuse to do nothing. I think I will start to sell my jewellery and clothes and stuff.

Wellwobbly · 15/07/2013 17:03

Sheesh, that is a whole load of whammys, Deb.

One step at a time.

MrsZoidberg · 15/07/2013 17:05

Swanny, thank you for posting this, I'm 2 months down the line but wondering if it will ever be fixed, so your post has given me hope.

My DH won't let me off the pedestal yet, so I'm making the most of it Grin

The link above re: is it real remorse, helped me. He failed on just 1.5 points, and he rectified one of those today Smile. Telling you everything (repeatedly if needed) helps, as does putting up with the mood swings without complaint. I didn't know the OW so I'm lucky, and he accepts 100% of the blame, so I'm not wasting time and effort on hating her.

Upnotdown · 15/07/2013 21:01

MrsZ - I don't think you fix it, I think you absorb it...You will come to terms with it but no-one can tell you how long it will take to stop going to sleep/waking up with it on your mind.

I still get a jab in the ribs every now and again, but not as often and not as painful as in the first 6 months xx

Original poster
swannylovesu · 15/07/2013 21:02

upnotdown i wish i could like all of your posts Grin

OP posts:
Upnotdown · 15/07/2013 21:29

I'm glad you find them helpful - you can always PM if you need to xx

Rulesgirl · 15/07/2013 22:00

It takes about two years before you really feel like yourself again and feel like its more like the relationship you once had. Anniversaries of when you found out are hard but only in the first couple of years. As more and more time passes the trust starts to be rebuilt. You feel more comfortable and naturally happy again. This new relationship you have is not the same one as before but hopefully a better one. A more mature relationship where you both have learned more about how each other feels about what they want from the relationship. You start planning for the future again. But it will never be the same and in a way that is good for you will never again take each other and the relationship for granted. We care more about each other now and cherish each other more as husband and wife, lovers and best friends and even 9 years on we still have date night a couple of times a month, hold hands and kiss all the time. Its like being a couple all over again before we got lost with kids and jobs etc.
It wont always be easy and you will have days when you want to run away from it all but it will pass . Good luck x

Looksgoodingravy · 15/07/2013 22:07

Upnotdown, you described the feeling perfectly - the jab in the ribs every now and again!

Yes can totally relate. Over twelve months on and something will prompt a memory of the deceit. Looking through photos of the time we look happy but behind his smile were lies. It's fleeting though this feeling and goes away quickly.

Time really does let you see through the post discovery haze. While you're in it you will go through every emotion (and more) you will be fine one minute, hour, day, week and then BOOM it will hit you like a ton of bricks again. It really is two steps forward, three steps back but over time it's two steps forward and you keep going.

Of course recovery and staying with a partner who has betrayed you will only work if the cheater is 100% remorseful and above all patient. Dp knew he was in for a rough ride, he wanted to make it work, he wanted me to give him a chance to prove he could change and I've done that and he has changed.

It really is like an open wound when you first discover you've been betrayed, this wound starts to heal and eventually it only leaves a scar. The scar bit is where I am. I'm proud of myself for getting through such a life changing, hurtful time but I have and I am stronger for it and you all should be proud of yourselves too.

Sorry for waffling on your thread Swampy. x

Looksgoodingravy · 15/07/2013 22:08

Swanny ffs!

worsestershiresauce · 15/07/2013 22:36

Rules speaks a lot of sense. I'm a year on and it really does feel like a new relationship, with the wonderful man I met and married, not the b*stard he turned into. The only reason it works is because he desperately wants it to, and I love him enough to let him try. He's sorry, disgusted with himself, and totally humiliated. He has told me everything, because he knows that if he doesn't I won't stay. For me part of the healing process was knowing there were no more secrets. It's the secrets and lies that hurt, not the sex. Sex is sex, and can mean nothing. The effort taken to conceal an affair is something else.

Anniversaries are hard, I've just been through them. The date I found out... the business trips where I knew he would stay with her... the date I filed for divorce.... the date I found out I was pregnant with a child conceived probably the day before he told me... Every single one of those dates has brought it all back, all doubts, the hurt, all of it. I've felt a bit haunted by it, and wondered if I should go, but the look of fear and resignation in his eyes when I talked about it tell me everything I need to know.

You can get through it, if you both really want to. It is hard though. I have the perfect life now. An old friend visited at the weekend, someone I haven't seen for 20 years, and I could see she thought I was the luckiest person in the world. Beautiful baby, loving husband, wonderful home... Sometimes it helps for me to see that, and remember I am lucky. The past is the past, and it will colour the future, but it doesn't have to dictate it. Marriages can survive affairs and come out stronger. Many don't (those are the ones you will hear about), some do (and largely you will never know).

Rulesgirl · 16/07/2013 00:23

O worsestershire that was so lovely. The anniversaries pass me by now without a single thought. You will get there too. I agree with you that all you seem to hear all the bad stories and a lot of the advise is to ditch him and they say once a cheater etc etc etc. You know when your relationship is really worth saving and when its not and when you take the hard path of starting again with a new relationship with the man who broke your heart, its one of the hardest experiences. But as you say the rewards are that further on down the line you have a relationship that is so much better in every way and was well worth the journey.

ChipsNKetchup · 16/07/2013 00:25

I'm going to go against the grain here and say being put on a pedestal is not a good thing. It means you're not equals and you're not being treated like a real person. I've also found that the person who puts you there will eventually be keen to shove you off and is more liable to try to redress the balance elsewhere.

It's not the basis for a strong and healthy relationship of equals. I don't think it is the action of a remorseful cheat either. Just someone relieved he got away with it.

Rulesgirl · 16/07/2013 00:34

Why Chips....is this your own experience.?

Rulesgirl · 16/07/2013 00:36

Its not so much being put on a pedestal, its been treated like a woman that your man is very much in love with and he cant get enough of you and wants to please you in every way he can. It doesn't change many years later. There is complete mutual respect too.

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