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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know where to start

109 replies

SolihullBorn · 12/07/2013 18:04

The only thing I know is that I'm flying to New Zealand on Monday to bring my little grand-daughter (4) home to England just as soon as I can. My darling son and his dear wife were killed there just 3 days ago so I'm flying out. I have no proper idea what I'm going to have to do when I'm out there. I have a few contact addresses and of course I know where little Amy is being looked after but I don't even have a key to my son's house. I've no idea if either of them made a Will or anything about their finances. What about the funerals? I just don't know where to start. Amy is going to be so sad and confused leaving her home and her friends and I don't know what to say to help her. I need help or a checklist or something.

OP posts:
Original poster
SolihullBorn · 12/07/2013 20:29

I don't know what to say. I'm so grateful to all the people who are trying to help a total stranger. My son is now 100% determined to come with me partly because it was his big brother who has died and he wants to feel that he is helping. I think once he realised that strangers here were helping that he had to step up. I'm very proud of the way he is going to cancel his own plans so he can travel all that way with me. I phoned the airline to see if I could get another ticket for him and once I explained why they were very helpful indeed. We will both fly out of Heathrow on Monday on an open ended ticket.
Yes I have spoken to little Amy. I don't think she really understands what has happened. She thinks she is having an adventure and talks about her Mummy and Daddy as if they are coming back.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 12/07/2013 20:38

I'm so glad he's travelling with you. I can't bear to think of you and your granddaughter having to go through this loss.

reelingintheyears · 12/07/2013 20:38

Your poor DS2,he must be so upset too,i hope it all goes as well as it can for you all.
Good luck and best wishes.

Chubfuddler · 12/07/2013 20:39

Amy won't understand. She's too young to understand that they're not coming back. That will all take time. Try not to worry about it now. Practicalities are what matter.

How long had they been in NZ? Any family or close friends they could have appointed guardians?

Portofino · 12/07/2013 20:43

My mum died when I was 4. I understood perfectly. I hope the news was broken to her in a very kind and appropriate way. I am surprised they didn't wait for a family member to be there. She will need lots of support.

DfanjoUnchained · 12/07/2013 20:49

I'm so sorry for your loss

IfNotNowThenWhen · 12/07/2013 20:49

Oh God, how awful for all of you.
If your ds was working there, then I agree his company HR is a good place to start.
British Embassy New Zealand also would help.
Contact social services here to help you with the processes you will need to go through.
I am glad your other ds is helping.
I can't even imagine what you are going though. All you can do is try and stay strong for your little grandaughter. Poor you and poor her. x

YoureAllABunchOfBastards · 12/07/2013 20:50

So sorry for your loss xx

NothingsLeft · 12/07/2013 20:51

I'm so very sorry for your loss. How utterly heartbreaking for you all. Thanks

horsetowater · 12/07/2013 20:52

I'm so pleased your younger son has stepped up. I'm sure he will make you very proud.

It will make more sense to Amy to have him there, he probably looks a bit like his brother, may have similar mannerisms and way of talking and that will help her to feel more secure about where she's going.

This is so sad.

FamilyStrife · 12/07/2013 21:07

What an awful shock to get. I'm so sorry for your loss. Glad to hear your son is traveling with you so you will have some support to make such a long journey and deal with everything.

sarine1 · 12/07/2013 22:21

So sorry to hear your dreadful news. Sending you strength and support for the journey that you're going through
The people here at Winston's Wish are outstanding in giving support about children and bereavement. www.winstonswish.org.uk/
I'm sure there'll be lots of advice available in NZ but Winston's Wish can offer lots of advice during the next months, both for Amy and for you in dealing with your own loss.
I am so very sorry.

ImperialBlether · 12/07/2013 23:33

I hope you sleep well tonight, OP. You're going through something few of us have and all of us dread and I think you're in all of our thoughts tonight.

I hope you can rest and sort out your flight etc tomorrow.

DespicableMa · 12/07/2013 23:40

So sorry for your loss, no practical advice but my heart goes out to you all especially your little granddaughter.

LJL69 · 13/07/2013 12:06

I am so sorry for your loss. We have friends in NZ so if you need advice on how to deal with anything that is different from UK I can easily message them any questions you may have. Please dont hesitate to message me. I will be thinking of you xx

Original poster
SolihullBorn · 13/07/2013 19:00

I am read to go now. Talking to little Amy is just breaking my heart. She doesn't understand what has happened and perhaps that is a mercy. Her other GPs still don't know so just my younger son and I will travel out together but I expect they will join us soon. My DH so bitterly regrets that his hip replacement is stopping him from going with us.

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 13/07/2013 19:05

solihull - I'm so sorry to read this update but very glad your son is going with you.

Just a thought- has your husband had medical advice to the effect that he absolutely cannot go? I'm not accusing him of being a malingerer. Rather, thinking that it might help him come to terms with not going if he knew he had explored every avenue and got up to date medical,advice

JollyGolightly · 13/07/2013 19:09

Safe journey, and best courage for the hard road ahead. The wee one is lucky to have you xxx

patienceisvirtuous · 13/07/2013 19:17

I am so sorry for your loss. Thanks

Keep posting here, there are some amazing people on here who will be able to help you through this.

Portofino · 13/07/2013 19:30

What a worry about your DIL's parents. What are they doing to find them? No mobiles? No idea of where they are etc? This is so horrible and heartbreaking for all of you.

kitsmummy · 13/07/2013 19:46

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you make it out there without too many problems x

Damnautocorrect · 13/07/2013 20:03

I am so so sorry for yours and your families loss. I've nothing I can add to help, but felt I couldn't read and not reply.
My love and thoughts at this absolutely tragic time
Xxx

Dilidali · 13/07/2013 20:21

I am so sorry to hear about your loss.
Safe journey.

RoxyFox211 · 13/07/2013 20:36

That's terrible, so sorry for your loss op.. Don't have much in the way of practical advice, apart from to maybe search for groups (either on the Internet or in your local area) of people in similar positions, who for whatever reasons are guardians of relatives children. I imagine you could get a lot of practical and emotional support from groups like this in the long term. Big hug thoughts with you.

Greydog · 13/07/2013 20:48

I am so sad reading this - much love to you all. Safe journey