Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 24

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

mink my very first post on MN was about FW, before we were married (but after I was already pregnant). I was asking for advice, and I was completely shot down. One poster even said 'some people shouldn't be allowed to have children'. I was devastated, and ran away from MN for a good while. I did come back, but my initial experiences made me a lurker, too afraid to post anything. So I say go for it.

Rose, birthday or not, drinking JD at 10.30am, on his own presumably? That's not celebrating, that's self-destruction. And re his comment about coming with you? He knows fine well you don't want him to, but he's realising he doesn't want you to go (because he'll lose control over you and your money), so he's controlling the situation to make it hard for you to either go or get away from him. He is parenting you, not in a partnership. Run, run, run.

And I am 40, two kids' worth of stretch marks, a little on the pudgy side and getting a bit wrinkly. Any man worth anything will not be looking at me thinking 'she's a bit wrinkly and saggy, can't have that', he'll (hopefully!) be focusing on how we enjoy each other's company. If I am hopeful about meeting someone, you can be too.

rose keep going hunni n dont worry about the future just yet focus on the present, n getting yourself settled. you have to find yourself again

felt abit this week as ive been reflecting alot on fw's behaviour- its been 9 weeks since i last heard from him (my solicitor warned him off). its awful how its affected me when i thought i was fine... ive had 2 men shown interest since (even though im 6 months preg ) and i found myself feeling scared. yep. actually scared, of even replying.... i wasnt before i got with fw but now i have 0 trust in any man no matter how kind they are.
i also notice that when im having a bad day, hard time with the kids or something unlucky happens to me, an image pops into my head of fw grinning his filthy clown-like grin... an image of smugness as if hes seen it happen and is smirking at me. i think because subconsciously i know hed love to see me fail. cos under that poor mistreated victim act he is a selfish vile narcissistic bully.

... and breathe

rose the kiss on the forehead and the calling himself 'Dadda' sounds to me very much like trying to put himself as the authorative father-figure and you as the compliant child. Whereas in real life he is the man-child and you are the responsible adult.a

Thanks everyone for the words. I've not managed to go to my bolt hole for a bit. Probably should, even if for just 10 mins and see how I feel.

I'm not sure if the counselling will be useful. Feeling like I was made out to be the controlling one was not nice (or true). The counsellors were very clear that we can return if it's helpful but can stop at any point if it is not helpful so it's nice to feel no pressure. I'm going to take one session at a time. I think perhaps the next session will be particularly telling as I'll get an idea as to whether they believe his woe is me story.

honey - you're not failing though are you!! :) You're a strong independent woman who is coping where so many wouldn't

honey 9 weeks isn't long in the grand scheme of things. It will take longer than that to get over your experiences with him, and to deal with the abuse. Be kind to yourself, and trust that you are getting there.

bounty why not go and see how you feel. When's the next session?

i am... but thats not what he wants me to be... i went through months of him trying to trip me up, trying to convince me that my parentings bad etc, and the false allegations to child protection..
he seems to have led my mind to believe im in competition with him for the custody of the baby, made me feel that any slipups or bad luck would 'go against me'. i was thinking about all this n thought 'f*, hes actually good at this mind bending business '

that whole 'dadda' think is slightly creepy but i agree with that hes prob trying to verbally 'put you in your place' with the 'im the daddy of this house' mentality. when i think of why men do that (i.e. to gain control that they are desperate for) they actually look pathetic x

The next session is in 2 weeks time. I will try and go to the bolthole. The problem is I don't want to take DD at all unless I'm sure we're moving there. Partly so I don't confuse her but also so that she doesn't say anything to H as she's starting to get quite verbal now. I really can't risk him finding out about it.

honey (((hugs))) at 6 months pregnant you have enough to deal with! glad he is a quiet. I can totally relate to your anger now you have realised the extent of the damage he has done and that he has left you with the work of making it better. FW! it is unfair. but you will heal.

thats a very strong reaction Rose to a forehead kiss

well done for your strength Rose counting down with you... you deserve this.. keeping walking and don't loook back.

Thinking of you and your bolthole Bounty so good.

strength and all the supports here for you honey

Mink I think you said something yesterday about 'noone knows what goes on behind closed doors, pah!' something to that effect? that its rubbish? I wondered what you meant? Well I know what that means, but not sure I understand the why?

fi i was saying to bounty that it is not true that no one know what goes on behind closed doors. the two people behind those closed doors know. as in bounty knows when he is lying and he knows he is lying. and what other people think they know does not matter.

now I understand what you meant Mink thank you.. yes.. very

thanks... well done for your strength and vigil on the other thread.

a good guiding light for those in darkness hun xxxx so heartening to see in action.

I know when he's lying except with the gaslighting that makes you question yourself. I thought until our counselling that he didn't ever gas light me. But one of the examples of my ever so considerate parents apparantly breathing down our neck all the time (and not leaving him to have me to himself) was about when I was in hospital with DD and he told the counsellor a different story to what I remembered. I checked with my parents tonigh andunprompted they remembered it exactly as I did. So H basically made that up. BUt if I challenge him I'll just be accused of taking my parents side yet again and choosing them over him.

rose my FW calls me 'little one' often. I used to find it sweet - not I find it demeaning

bounty and he will always rewrite history - even if you had a video recording of the past - the truth does not suit his needs. It is sooo difficult, it is out of the norm which is why it is so difficult to know what to do - we have no/little expereince of it but we are getting more. My family and friends remember the past so clearly and I see it and are as astounded as me more so when they read what my exp puts in official court documents. At least I have learned now that it will never stop and that does help. My worry is the third parties involve need time to see the lies and lies and take the fact they are lies seriously for the welfare of my DS and I. In that regard I am glad the case is taking a while.
yy about the two people who know the ruth and that is what I have been saying latley to friends - he knows - I know he is lying - and if I stay calm about that too, he panics - where else can he go? this sometimes does scare me a little but I can't let it or I will not be able to live my life.

sorry my typing is terrible today

thanks

thats what im dreading if he does have the audacity to take me to court... i know itll all be based on lies and exaggeration- cos thats all he has. im dreading reading a statement full of utter shite, cos itll make my blood boil n upset me... which is ultimately what he wants.

sick to the back teeth of men n their douchebaggery. im sure if i wasnt preg i wouldve had a good ol by now

honey we ar keeping you a barstool in the vixens waiting in the meantime ginger beer? cheers.

so true.. so true.. .about re=-writing history,

or

thats not how I saw it

and just plain, that didn't happen... you couldn't really believe it unless it actually was happening!!! yes, IT DID HAPPEN it bloody did! They are just all the same aren't they. trying to tamper with memories, or eradicate them altogether, how convenient ..

honey they have that audacity - it knows no bounds. Written down used to really hurt, I almost find it laughable now. I never thought I would.
My exp carries on and on, I stand firm, I don't react it is what he wants - but I have the right to respond and I do - he has had to make up my `reactions' too as they have not happened as he wanted.

I tell my truth, I know it is true, he knows it is true but his arrogance and sense of entitlement carries it on - he must win, this is war
.. he pauses, it goes silent, he is planning and then comes another attack same objective for him, different tactic - but I see it coming, if it manages to hit, I get up slowly now I don't jump up, I brush myself down nip to the vixens and respond not react not every time are you kidding me Im rubbish sometimes

Just had to deal with a FW incident.. I am getting better at dealing with it ladies, thank you. I have responded to it - I have stopped another tactic he thought was clever. I am spotting what he is doing, I know my sol will not necessarily spot them and it is not his job to but after I gave him my response he got it!
More FWitery to come this week - the sirens are on, another attack is looming, it does disturb me but I can only deal with what is thrown at me, I can't stop it because he will never stop and your help and support is just wonderful.
If they don't put what happened in a different way, they are the problem and they can't have that - for over 8 years my exp has done nothing for his DS and guess why that is.. of course, because of me! he can even justify in his own mind.... 8 years of doing nothing and twist it to be my fault...... he justifies his sh*t life and blames others, including me of course for him having been unable to get a job for years and years. He tells anyone who will listen how great he is at various things - how the world is missing out on his talents. My god he should write to the PM, he could get this country out of recession... if only everyone would stop being so horrible to him! he could save us all !!
I think I am sounding crazy now