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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Another Thread (LoserNoMore...again)

435 replies

LoserNoMore · 10/07/2013 16:58

Hi, so on another thread but not really much further forward, in fact I feel worse. Anyway I've been to the doctors and have Anti D's and referred to a counsellor. Hopefully these will work.

Thanks to everyone for their support on previous threads and PMs too, it is all very much appreciated.

OP posts:
whitesugar · 25/07/2013 22:30

Hi LNM you are going through a very difficult time, I am 14 years out of it and to date it is the toughest thing I have done. You stand a very good chance of getting through it. I know its seems unlikely but you have so much ahead of you it is kind of exciting.

When you think going back would be great for the girls just think what advice you would give them if they ever (God forbid) have to go through this situation. From the sound of you, you would 100% support them and advise them to hold their head up high and not go back to someone who doesn't deserve them. He can rant and rave as long as he likes he is just making himself out to be a tool. I know you loved and trusted him and that is why it's so hard for you right now.

I really admire you getting up every day, running a house, minding the girls, going to a job you hate, putting up with your ex. You are fantastic and a great example to your girls and others going through this. You think it's impossible but your future can be bright. If you had stayed with him it would have always been crap. You have chosen the right road.

cjel · 25/07/2013 22:40

perhaps he needs reminding? you could do without this crap

imtheonlyone · 25/07/2013 22:51

You could ring the police - say that he's harassing you with texts and calls. Ask them to give him a call and warn him to stop. They would probably do that for you?

Original poster
LoserNoMore · 25/07/2013 22:51

Thanks whitesugar, it's encouraging to hear that many people think I'm doing the right thing. I appreciate your words.

Cjel, he likely does but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for now.

OP posts:
cjel · 25/07/2013 22:56

like I said I am biggest softy for benefit of the doubt with x, but can't bear to see you suffering!! Your X doesn't deserve benefit in my mind!! Now I know how frustrated my friends felt when I did it!!!!xSmile

Original poster
LoserNoMore · 25/07/2013 23:03

I know, I'm far too soft. I'll see what happens if anything.

OP posts:
cjel · 25/07/2013 23:13

Yes good, look after yourself or I'll be cross!!!Flowers

ChipsNKetchup · 25/07/2013 23:34

I think it's got to the point where for you and your girls you need to make it clear that it's the end of the road. Speak to the police and ask them to have a word about the phoning and texting, then get the divorce ball really rolling.

After this amount of time he still thinks he can fix things but without actually doing anything. It is hard being the one to make things final but you need to do it for you.

Its like clearing things from your physical space but he is in your mental space. Get him out of there, get beyond. Its hard, scary and oh so final but at the same time enlightening, positive and a sign of your new future. Take matters into your own hands and press forward. That is where the path to happiness lies, its just hidden under all the mess he left right now.

Original poster
LoserNoMore · 26/07/2013 00:07

I know you're right, Chips. I'm just delaying the inevitable.

Now I'm just getting worked up, pacing the floor. I don't feel well at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoserNoMore · 26/07/2013 00:55

I wish I'd never started on these AD.

OP posts:
whitesugar · 26/07/2013 01:03

LNM I know it's hard but you can and will cope. Don't underestimate how tough it is but you can get through this. Please put your shoulders back and head high and keep saying I Will get through this. I know lots of women who I met over 14 years ago when our lives were truly crap. We see each other out and about now, all in our late forties, and we survived and had lots of great times since.

I don't know much about self help books but one of the first of the genre "The road less travelled" starts off by saying that life is difficult and once we accept that we transcend it. It probably doesn't help you at this point in time but you are a strong woman who has had a big knock. Do your best to believe you will get through this time. You are most certainly not alone.

Go to bed and get some sleep. Good night, sleep well.

AndMiffyWentToSleep · 26/07/2013 05:11

Morning LNM, sorry you had a crap night.
I hope he didn't come over or call/text again and you were able to get some sleep.

swallowedAfly · 26/07/2013 08:04

morning!

LNM - hope he didn't turn up. are you regretting the ADs because you're having side effects or because you think you're feeling worse? how long have you been taking them now? talk to us about it because it seems many of us on here have first hand experience with ADs so will help if we can. i can't remember when you started taking them but it's at least 2wks to start working for most of them and side effects can last longer that. they continue to improve how they're working for 12wks - as in that's how long before they're at their peak best effect having rejiggled your brain chemistry around and your brain having settled around it. if you've started on a low dose of a very mild one such as prozac and have been taking them a few weeks without any improvement it may be time to increase the dose slightly. is the doc seeing you regularly or just prescribed and sent you off into the world?

i've had about 2hrs sleep and am supposed to be seeing a counsellor at ten for the first time. numpty.

swallowedAfly · 26/07/2013 08:07

personally i couldn't take prozac as it made me SO anxious and jittery but i know other people who couldn't tell they were taking it and it just quietly worked well for them.

cjel · 26/07/2013 08:29

Morning LNM. Hope you had a peaceful night. Do you want to see if you can come off ads?

SAF. Go to counsellor and talk, talk, talk!!!!

imtheonlyone · 26/07/2013 09:11

LNM - hope you managed to get some sleep in the end. Sounds like you had a terrible night. I would seriously think about speaking to the police about his harassment - cos that's what it is!! Ask them to call him and warn him off - they will do that and it might stop him doing it which will ease your mind a little? He really shouldn't be doing it to you, at all, and should know better by now! Really hope you're ok!
Morning SAF - good luck with the counsellor - just talk! I wouldn't be where I am today without my counselling sessions! And I would be a whole lot more miserable for it!!! How did it go last night with vboy????
I've just got up - woke up around 7.15 kids slept till 8! Hayfever has dragged me out of bed as keep sneezing and nose and eyes streaming now!! And the neighbour is mowing his bloody lawn AngryAngry!!!!! Still feel tired. DP got in bed last night and asked me if I still wanted to be with him!!! God knows where that came from!!! He snuck out of bed this morning at 8am so best go downstairs and sort that out!!!!! Just told him I was super tired and needed to recharge batteries!!

lazarusb · 26/07/2013 10:08

imtheonlyone - SAF said she had 2 hours sleep so I'm guessing it went well! Wink

LNM - I'm sorry he's back to being an idiot. I think it would be worth reporting it to the police again or at least keeping a log to mention to your solicitor.

FWIW, when I was 11 my dad found out my mum had been cheating with his best friend for 3 years. She left and they moved in together shortly after. The big showdown was on Easter Sunday. For some reason, my parents felt it would be a good idea to get back together for Christmas for the sake of my little brother and I. She came back on Christmas Eve evening and spent the whole night crying. Christmas Day was tense and miserable and she disappeared on Boxing Day.

My brother and I were (and still are) of the opinion that watching my dad try so fucking hard to make her happy and avoid any tension/stress was the most painful thing we've ever seen. Don't put yourself through it - if it's over, it's over. Your girls might be happy in the short term but long term it would be awful for them. You would never be happy or relaxed with him again. It would also give him the idea that he could cheat again, but be more careful, or he'd suffer for a couple of months and then come back.

You deserve better and you will be happy again. Properly happy. It takes time but it will happen.

Original poster
LoserNoMore · 26/07/2013 10:21

2 weeks I've been taking them. Just didn't feel right last night, maybe side effects. Not helped by ex right enough.

Think I got to sleep around 4am then woke up at 8.30 with kids ringing the fucking doorbell. I don't even think coffee is going to cut it this morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoserNoMore · 26/07/2013 10:22

Oh and thanks for replies.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoserNoMore · 26/07/2013 15:58

My woe fullness has scared you all away...

I shall retreat with my bottle/s of wine now dd's have gone :( and hope things look up soon.

OP posts:
cjel · 26/07/2013 16:19

Hello Lnm, you didn't scare me away.Are you sure you want to drink on your own?Smile

Original poster
LoserNoMore · 26/07/2013 16:50

Not really, but what's the alternative? Sit watching crap TV all night. It's the only thing making me feel calm just now.

OP posts:
buildingmycorestrength · 26/07/2013 16:55

I'll tell you what is better than wine, is getting addicted to reddit. Honestly. Go to reddit.com, then go to the subreddit r/funny and you will laugh your arse off all night.

Do NOT go to some of the other subreddits like wtf, nosleep, or gore. They are dark places and you will see things you can't unsee.

But r/funny is totally brilliant. And r/pics.

I have to spend a lot of time resting and it is so boring, but reddit saves me. And MN. Grin

cjel · 26/07/2013 19:00

I don't drink and would say that using the internet or tv to find calm is better, drink or drugs will make you feel better for a little while and numb you but the hangover/comedown is less fun than the boring tv. I used to txt or phone people for a chat or spend evening crying and alone but at least i didn't have hangover/ comedown!!!!

BUT not trying to make you feel bad - just saying what worked for meFlowersWineSmile

AndMiffyWentToSleep · 26/07/2013 19:14

Sorry LNM, I'm not scared away! But I'm moving country tomorrow so I've been a bit caught up with stuff.
I do check up on you every single evening at the very least. I have done since your first thread. And I worry about you too when you're down. I just don't post much as I don't think I have anything useful to say Blush

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