what is your opinion on this situation...

[mummyof2kidsx]

a family in the car, married couple with 2 kids 2 and 4. before leaving house mum said to dad, do you have the money, dad says yes. get to shops, mum says to dad in car "can i have the bank card". dad says what bank card? mum moans "u said you had it " argument happens, mum moaning dad says horrible things to mum, swearing at her etc...mum frustrated and wound up, doesnt know what to say so punches dad in arm (feeble woman punch) dad turns round and punches her 3-4 times in legs and arms. says to mum if you can hit like a man you can be hit like a man too... then blames mum for being evil and horrible..

is mum or dad at fault????

I hope Op is deleting her internet history

we both have very similar views on that, if not identical

meant to say our views are so similar, they are close to identical

How do you know, if you haven't discussed it ?

yes but why do you think it is acceptable to be hit if you have cheated Val? surely if you both agree that cheating is a deal breaker for your relationship the agreed outcome should be to end the relationship not to dish out/receive a smack in the mouth/punch in the stomach

We sense each other .

Are you by any chance a detective?

I don't think it is acceptable to ever be hit.

My take on his statement was:

1. He will never hit me

1. He will be really hurt if I cheated

1. He may have his 'fight' reflex turned on if I attacked him (fair enough as I would have mine on as well if someone attacked me - I would not take it laying down)

I didn't read much deeper into that, because I have the whole picture and you only have one statement taken out of the whole picture. I have been cheated on myself and I have fantasised so many times about punching the bastard and felt sorry many times that I didn't do it. My husband himself was fresh out of a cheating relationship and I know his pain was deep. I never thought twice about the hitting bit. I knew exactly what he meant. He meant 'do not cheat on me EVER, do not hit me EVER'.

I know it may seem I defend him too hard, but there are so many situations when people threat other people or children with something, but it is fact just words. Like 'don't do this, or I will never talk to you again'. How many of these threats have you seen in action? I took his words as just that - hyperbole.

Good night, everyone.

It angers me cogito as all abuse is wrong.

Female on male violence is a huge and ignored problem. Yes women are more likely to be killed as the males are normally stronger but does that mean that emotional and financial abuse, for example, are less serious as they won't kill? Shall we go back to convincing women if he does not hit its not real DV.

The OP hit first and has been looking for reasons that she's totally innocent. She's already minimised her actions, her punch became a pinch when she got called on it. Seen it first hand and it disgusts me. Or is it only acceptable for women to be provoked by violence and escalate?

Its all wrong and a shit example to set your kids.

She's not looking for reasons that she's totally innocent, she's a woman that's being told by an abusive man that she's 'evil and horrible' for losing her temper and that she deserved to be punched repeatedly. He's using her guilt a) to justify his excessive and disproportionate response and b) control her further by exploiting her guilty feelings.

Of course all violence is disgusting and wrong but there is a bigger picture here and it is not that the OP is the aggressor.

Did he deserve his punch then? Or do we accept that the modified pinch is all that matters? I thought this board always advocated minimising our actions to be a sign of an abuser?

We only ever get one side of the story and I will admit predjudice that this is reminding me of some nasty situations when a man was held responsible for a seriously abusive woman. I'm out.

Chips, drop it please. You are promoting the argument of a controlling and violent man.

Cos you've never seen a controlling and violent woman. Good for you.

I thought you said you were out?

Good. Misogynistic bullies on women's relationship threads are bad news.

If you've got an issue of your own, start your own thread.

She had the first "excessive and disproportionate" response by getting violent in response to the argument (oh no, sorry, she was just defending herself from his 'verbal punch' ). So why does she get sympathy for her 'mistake' whilst it is is clear as day that he is abusive?

She gets sympathy for her mistake because she is an abuse victim and because she's horrified by what she's done. She deserves our compassion even if we condemn the specific action. I don't suppose for a second the man in this story is sitting their now, wringing his hands, wracked with guilt and tormenting himself whether he was in the wrong or not.

I think what's bothering me about the 'you're as bad as each other', 'if you hit someone you deserve to be hit back' mediaeval rubbish is this.... It is a very common tactic in a sustained abusive relationship for the dominant partner to artificially create and escalate confrontation - goading - to the point where the weaker victim loses their temper and lashes out. The minute the victim acts out of character and does something 'wrong', the abuser then treats this as justification for their violence and exploits the mistake to exert control.

Common excuses for abuse

'If you hadn't reacted that way, I wouldn't have had to hit you'
'You're an evil person for doing that to me, so I now get to mistreat you any way I choose'
'Doing that makes you a bad mother, so if you leave me I get to keep the kids'

FWIW I have witnessed a relationship where the dominant abuser was the woman, not the man. However, I do not think that's what's going on here and the 'you deserved it' remarks are simply doing the abuser's job for him.

She gets sympathy for her mistake because she is an abuse victim and because she's horrified by what she's done. She deserves our compassion even if we condemn the specific action.

Hear hear. Some people on this thread remind me of the moralising and unforgiving Javert in Les Mis.

I dont like the sometimes overbearing "LTB" vibe that can prevail on here

hence why I advised OP to buy this book as it help her make her own decision

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

I think reading this book, and the very good reviews will help her alot

However, I have 2 sons and my expectation is that even if a girl hits them they dont hit them back. call me old fashioned.....

My DP has used the "if you cheat on me I'll..." line, and he has EA tendancies.

All the posters (there are two of you?) who say that your partners will hit you if you cheat? Why did you stay with these people?? Not because they will hit you (well yes, that) but because they don't trust in you or your relationship enough to think that the only reason you wont cheat on them is because you are scared of being hit??

I don't think the OP deserved to be hit, but she hit,in front of her children too, this is not good and shows that there is no respect between this couple and i would question them staying together. He should not have hit her back. Yes my DP has said to me that if i hit him, he can't promise not to hit me back because that would be his reflex, the situation has never arose on 21 year so i think im pretty safe.

OP, I have looked at your previous thread.

He swears at me. He calls me a ct b*h cow, git everything you can think of. He humiliates me in front of his family members.........I told him iv had enough and I cant go on like this. He started saying he will try to be less horrible

There is your key - stand up to the bully.

when he is being nice to me I do tend to forget how he treats me and act like everything's normal

I can understand that. Memory can plays tricks and stop you remembering the awful incidents.

I feel like im going to explode. I have visions of smashing everything up...

It sounds as though what happened in the car in front of his nan was just one more incident in a series of horrible ones, where you "exploded".

Is this a normal relationship? My husband tells me that all relationships are like this.

This is not a normal relationship and not all relationships are like this.

You do not deserve to be treated the way he is treating you.

You need to pack your suitcase again and go to your parents.

If you stay with him, the incidents will escalate. It is now your behaviour that is being questioned by some of the posters when they hear about a single incident! Using Cogito's words, he is developing an attitude of 'You're an evil person for doing that to me, so I now get to mistreat you any way I choose'. It is worrying that others, who know only the latest incident, are joining in to lay the responsibility at your door for having landed the first punch.

Look after yourself OP. Try working on your self-esteem and try to keep yourself and your children save.

*safe