what is your opinion on this situation...

[mummyof2kidsx]

a family in the car, married couple with 2 kids 2 and 4. before leaving house mum said to dad, do you have the money, dad says yes. get to shops, mum says to dad in car "can i have the bank card". dad says what bank card? mum moans "u said you had it " argument happens, mum moaning dad says horrible things to mum, swearing at her etc...mum frustrated and wound up, doesnt know what to say so punches dad in arm (feeble woman punch) dad turns round and punches her 3-4 times in legs and arms. says to mum if you can hit like a man you can be hit like a man too... then blames mum for being evil and horrible..

is mum or dad at fault????

I know that he would floor me, because in the beginning of our relationship he said that the only time he may ever hit me is if I hit him or cheat on him.

I am against cheating and hitting, so I agreed with him.

Haven't been in a situation that would test his statement, and hopefully never will be. Of course, in life you never now...

know

I think there are all sorts of lines, Ninja, and often the ones we think are important at first don't seem that way later.

Once that line is crossed all sorts of crap happens plays into the abuser's hands. It fails to see the difference between a punch in frustration and repeated punches to teach a lesson. They are not both "all sorts of crap".

Just because both are wrong doesn't mean that there isn't a massive difference in degree.

yuk

A Prince Among Men you have there, Val

How terrifying that you are to be found on other threads advising on how to snare a bloke like this.

Did he think it would be right to hit you in those circumstances, Val? If he did, that is worrying, because he is taking it on himself to punish your behaviour.

Oh wow Val... he's got you nicely subdued hasn't he? Start as he meant to go on with a big old threat. A decent man wouldn't even dream of saying something like that. Vile.....

My husband is not violent.

I don't hit him and he does not hit me.

Any further questions?

My question at 22:54 still stands.

I have another question, Val

Where do you get off with your smug and superior attitude ?

Your husband is violent Val. You know if you ever do certain things he would hit you. He's told you this up front and when someone tells you what kind of person they are, you should listen.... Make me very sad to say that....

So does DV only count when the partner hitting is stronger? Should a weaker woman be able to punch and humiliate a man who is unable to hit back to defend himself? By that extension if the stronger man only gives a few slaps its not DV? What about emotional, psychological or financial abuse, how do they fit in to this framework?

A joking punch on the arm is only a joke in a lighthearted situation and not an argument.

OP you were both out of order and you both need help and you both need to ensure your children are not exposed to this toxic environment any longer.

Please reverse the situation and then judge. If I was a man and my woman would say to me: If you ever lay your hand on me, I will cut your balls off. Would you judge her in the same way?

Anyway, everyone is different, we all have our own point of view. To me it is not a big deal what he said. It was not a threat, in fact it was a part of a start-of-the-relationship discussion regarding domestic violence and my disclaimer that he is gone the moment he does something like this (practically a threat on my part that I will leave) to which he answered back with this statement in the context of 'I will never hit you, unless.... you hit me first or cheat on me'.

I don't see anything wrong with this.

Not going to try and justify myself anymore.

Bottom line - you reap what you saw - if you hit, expect to be hit. End of.

22:54 - apparently he does think it is right to hit me BACK. And I THINK I will be deserving that if I hit him myself. I would certainly not be backing off if someone hit me first. Trust me, I will do my best to defend myself!

What about if he thought you were cheating, but you were not. What does he call "cheating" ? Talking to other men ? A man buys you a drink ? A bit of flirting ?

So he "floors" you. Did you get all that "up front" ? Just so you know what to expect, huh ?

grim

No a women has no rights to hit or emotional abuse her partner nor does the male.
A man who hits his wife/dp is no worse than a women who does the same thing.

This relationship is toxic and the op's children are in harms way. Both parents need to seek help and sort out their issues.
Yes there is a back story but trying to see who to blame is not sorting out the issue is it? the issue here firstly and most importantly is the young children being exposed to this environment.

Why are you still browbeating the OP ChipsNEggs? We've established that it was a mistake to lose her temper and lash out. However, it is significant that her partner responded with an excessive and disproportionate amount of violence... and that this is the latest event in a relationship characterised by sustained and prolongued abusive behaviour. Women have got off murder charges before now having successfully pleaded the latter as a defence.

"if you hit, expect to be hit. End of."

Barbaric....

That comment on him hitting you if you cheat is scary tbh (and this is coming from a male!) Just as bad as if you'd hit him if he ever cheated. I'd be slightly wary at least :).

Some good replies on here, especially from Cogito and Charlotte, I think. I'm alarmed by the many 'bad as each other' and 'deserve it' posts. This type of argument reminds me of an incident with my dad. A toddler punched him in the leg, quite hard, as toddlers sometimes do. Dad punched this little kid so hard, he flew across the room.

My father felt it was right that a child who hit a man with his fist, should feel the man's fist.

This is the same thinking some of you have demonstrated here :(

Hitting a partner shows a total lack of disrespect, punching back (unless defensive) totally compounds the lack of respect within the relationship.
For me no respect no relationship. Wether it can be built on for you, only you can decide.

PoundlandClareRayner, not sure where you get the smug and superior attitude.

I am certainly of age where I have firm views, but I have suffered a fair bit before I was able to set them in stone for myself and they work just fine for me. I do realise the way I convey them may not be the friendliest and most patient, for which I apologise.

And no, we didn't discuss the cheating specifics because we both have very similar views on that, if not identical, so no problem there either.

As they say, so long as both partners agree and are happy with what they do in the relationship, and harm noone else, then it is fine .

"Not identical" views on what constitutes cheating, Val ?

Oh dear. Expect your mush to be making heavy-duty contact with the Axminster any time soon then.

No point discussing this as an isolated incident as it's clearly not.

Op, you need to look at the relationship as a whole & get some help.

Violence is NEVER the answer, even as retaliation. Better to walk away every time if you can.

Can't read it when it's all in one piece.

Sorry..

The OP already left this man once because he made her life miserable. She realises she made a mistake getting back together after just a few months. Abusers are always more dangerous when they think they're about to lose their pet victim and what bothers me here is that - rather like Charles Saatchi and Nigella Lawson - if he is confident enough to assault her in full view of members of the public, what the hell is he going to do when they are behind closed doors ?