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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what is your opinion on this situation...

120 replies

mummyof2kidsx · 08/07/2013 20:34

a family in the car, married couple with 2 kids 2 and 4. before leaving house mum said to dad, do you have the money, dad says yes. get to shops, mum says to dad in car "can i have the bank card". dad says what bank card? mum moans "u said you had it " argument happens, mum moaning dad says horrible things to mum, swearing at her etc...mum frustrated and wound up, doesnt know what to say so punches dad in arm (feeble woman punch) dad turns round and punches her 3-4 times in legs and arms. says to mum if you can hit like a man you can be hit like a man too... then blames mum for being evil and horrible..

is mum or dad at fault????

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/07/2013 21:59

Absolutely goes without saying that the only way you'll prevent this from happening again is if you get shot of this nasty piece of work.

NameThatTuna · 08/07/2013 22:05

What do you want to do OP?

Are you hoping/wanting to turn this relationship around? Or do you want to leave but can't find the courage to?

There are some great posters on here that give excellent advice.

Maybe asking yourself what YOU want to happen can be your starting point.

Original poster
mummyof2kidsx · 08/07/2013 22:05

to be honest, there is a lot of background, but i don't want to post it on this thread because i don't want it to seem as though i am trying to justify my behaviour because i am not. i was completely in the wrong for hitting him first, mainly because it was in front of the kids...

OP posts:
PoundlandClareRayner · 08/07/2013 22:07

We have established it was wrong to hit him. We have established he was wrong to hit you. We have established this is a poor environment for children.

Now what ?

NameThatTuna · 08/07/2013 22:09

Maybe that's where you start.

New thread, with the history and behaviour on both side. Complete honesty.

You can read it back as many times as you want, to process all of it, written down on one thread.

It will help IMO

Original poster
mummyof2kidsx · 08/07/2013 22:10

when he's nice, i want us to be together and live happily ever after

when hes nasty, i want to get on a plane with my kids and never come back

OP posts:
Original poster
mummyof2kidsx · 08/07/2013 22:11

i have posted a thread like that, following advice from everyone here, i packed my suitcase, ready to leave..... he said hes sorry, he said hell change, 3 months later...im in the same place

OP posts:
Original poster
mummyof2kidsx · 08/07/2013 22:12

not even 3 months

OP posts:
PoundlandClareRayner · 08/07/2013 22:13

The nice behaviour doesn't cancel out the bad

The nice behaviour should be a given

What your kids will remember is the bad stuff.

PoundlandClareRayner · 08/07/2013 22:13

he only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none no matter how nice they are when things are going their way

PoundlandClareRayner · 08/07/2013 22:13

*the

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/07/2013 22:14

OK so two wrongs don't make a right.... Now that's been established and we're all agreed I think you can move on from there and start thinking about how to improve your life rather than keep berating yourself for what was obviously a mistake.

If this is part of a bigger picture and you're being verbally, physically or mentally abused like this on a regular basis, then you probably need outside help. Leave the guilt behind now, believe that you deserve a much better life free from abuse, and talk to people like Womens Aid who have a lot of practical advice.

Original poster
mummyof2kidsx · 08/07/2013 22:15

thank you CogitoErgoSometimes x

OP posts:
Original poster
mummyof2kidsx · 08/07/2013 22:16

does anyone know how i can look at old threads that i have started?

OP posts:
PoundlandClareRayner · 08/07/2013 22:17

do you know how to do a search ?

were your old threads in this name you are using now ?

hang on...

sunshine401 · 08/07/2013 22:19

:( poor children. Violence is violence. Both of you are being violent both of you are subjecting your children to a horrible negative environment.
You both need to seek urgent help. Never mind asking who is at fault you both are. You are both these children's parents and need to start acting like you are and putting the children first.

NameThatTuna · 08/07/2013 22:20

I was just about to suggest going through your old thread.

It would help everyone offering advice a chance to get the history of your relationship.

And you will get better support Flowers

PoundlandClareRayner · 08/07/2013 22:20

is this the thread you mean here

to search for threads you started go to the top of the talk page and click thread : I started

or do an advanced search (top right of the talk page) and put your user name in

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/07/2013 22:22

"when he's nice, i want us to be together and live happily ever after"

Even abusive men are not badly behaved all the time. They know that you hanker after them being nice, dream of happily ever after, and that's the 'carrot' they dangle just out of reach, all the time whacking you with a stick... Womens Aid can give you chapter and verse on how this type of abuse operates. Sadly, very common.

Please don't waste your life hoping this man is going to be nice on a regular basis because it'll never happen. Pack your suitcase properly this time and make a promise to yourself that you're going to give it 12 months before you even have a conversation with him again. That will make it more difficult for him to manipulate you and play on your fears and insecurities.

You're not a bad person just because you lashed out. You made a mistake because you're being goaded by someone who wants you to think you're a bad person.... so that they can control you.

Val007 · 08/07/2013 22:27

To be honest, you deserve each other, and I am really sad to say this. Sad

If I so much as raise my hand at my husband, I am sure he will floor me. Come on! Why would it be ok for a woman to hit, and not for a man? It goes both ways. Use your brain, not your hands!...

CharlotteCollinsismovingon · 08/07/2013 22:29

But Val, it's not ok for you to hit, or for your H. Why are you sure he will hit you? Perhaps you should read the whole thread and see if there is anything useful for your marriage here.

PoundlandClareRayner · 08/07/2013 22:29

Back off, Val

Your husband would floor you ? And that is meant to be superior to the situation that OP is in ? Hmm

I can guarantee that even if I twatted my H with a frying pan, he would not hit me back. Divorce me, yes. Use his greater physical strength to hurt me more than I could hurt him ? Not in a month of sundays...

It's been established that OP was wrong to hit her husband.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/07/2013 22:31

If your husband really would 'floor you' Val, you're married to as violent a little shit as the OP.... Hmm

TheFallenNinja · 08/07/2013 22:37

I believe that whoever in any situation moves a verbal disagreement to physical violence is wrong.

Once that line is crossed all sorts of crap happens. I speak from experience as I'm sure others can.

I didn't in any way claim or state that verbal abuse was ok.

fromparistoberlin · 08/07/2013 22:45

OP, when in doubt read this book. Its a very good book, and you can read and decide for yourself, they sell on amazon, new and used!

Why does he do that, by Lundy Bancroft

I think its hard to come to a decision via web based forum, but you will get good support

however you owe it to youtself, and to your children to see what the situation really is and this book will help

good luck

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