what is your opinion on this situation...

[mummyof2kidsx]

a family in the car, married couple with 2 kids 2 and 4. before leaving house mum said to dad, do you have the money, dad says yes. get to shops, mum says to dad in car "can i have the bank card". dad says what bank card? mum moans "u said you had it " argument happens, mum moaning dad says horrible things to mum, swearing at her etc...mum frustrated and wound up, doesnt know what to say so punches dad in arm (feeble woman punch) dad turns round and punches her 3-4 times in legs and arms. says to mum if you can hit like a man you can be hit like a man too... then blames mum for being evil and horrible..

is mum or dad at fault????

Sounds to me like you're a mum doing her best, suffering under provocation.

Do look at those links I mentioned; you'll probably find plenty of references there to other stuff that's going on in your marriage.

But the most important thing is that you know that it is not your fault that he hits you. It is never your fault, because it is his behaviour and he has to own that.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years' time? I'm just extricating myself from an EA relationship and one of the worst things was sheer hopelessness about the future.

yes in front of his nan, but this is probably normal to her as i know she has been in an abusive relationship all her life, physically and emotionally...although she refuses to admit it.

she did say to him he shouldnt swear in front of the kids.
his mum and dad split up at a young age so he has never seen that type of thing before, but it has gone on in his family, uncles etc...

i however, have never seen my mum and dad have an argument, or even raise their voices... so i know this is not how a marriage should be

So it all seems normal to him. Which in turn makes it highly unlikely that he will change, because he sees no need to. He probably has some pretty warped views about women, too.

Whatever happened next. The first one who throws a punch (feeble or otherwise) is the most wrong.

After that it's pretty 50/50

You need to end this relationship

Examining it any further will do you no good, and your kids more damage

End it. Forget the blame, who is worst etc. It's all semantics, and will keep you there, colluding with him.

It's fucked up. Once those blows (verbal or physical) are traded, it is game over

Bollocks 'you hit like a man so you can be hit like a man' followed by 4 hard punches - massive over reaction. No you shouldn't have punched him on the arm, but his reaction is still not justified. Has this kind of thing happened before?

Ninja . What about the verbal punch he threw first? And why 50:50 if he is responding out of all proportion?

You have to remember you are only hearing one side of a messy story here and two of you seem to have decided based on that, that there is only one person to blame and that is the nasty husband.

He is a nasty bastard no doubt but lets not make out that the behaviour of the op was merely a jestful poke on the arm.

Violence of any kind in front of a child between parents is a disgrace and both should be ashamed of themselves.

And as someone pointed out this happens in lots of houses. Well it doesn't happen in mine.

Ninja: I don't agree with you either.
I nearly through a full teapot at my XH after he told me he had spent his week working away shagging some woman he met there.

If I had thrown it it would not have been 100% my fault - maybe 10%.

OP: your H is well out of order. Do you think he was showing off to his Nan?

Maybe it is time to take stock of your relationship.

Maleview: Yes, we only ever hear one side of the story, that's obvious.

No, I said arguments happen in every household (fair play if you never row in yours, I must be wrong), my point was an argument over someone forgetting a bank card shouldn't be a problem. If it descends into someone punching someone else, hard, 4 times then THATS a problem.
I wonder what his side would read like

Verbal punch does not justify a physical punch. From a man or a woman.

I can't believe some of these replies.

If he had punched her first, after she verbally abused him, you would all rip him to shreds.

You need to split up NOW! Your poor kids witnessing this....

i agree, i shouldn't have done it. i dont want you to think i am looking for people to say he was the nasty husband. i know i was wrong giving him a dig in the arm. it was a bit of a silly question of me to ask really, i just wanted to hear an honest unbiased answer from people who i don't know.

with regards to our relationship as a whole, this is only a tiny piece of a much bigger picture...i just wanted to know in this particular situation what people thought....but thinking about it know, i should have enlightened people on previous events that have led me to snap.... again im not making excuses...i was wrong to snap...

What is the rest of this sorry story, love ?

There is always one, of course

If there are bigger issues or a whole history of shitty behaviour towards you OP, you need to end this marriage for the sake of your kids and yourself.

This has developed into a physically abusive relationship, on both sides.

No good can come of this. Your children will grow up thinking this is normal.

Tuna, you are right that bad behaviour can't be justified. I was not saying that the OP was right to hit him.

I was saying that Ninja was wrong to believe that abusive behaviour is ok if it's not physical.

I'm also worried about the bank card-I'm hoping he is not the one who has control over the money?

This isn't six year-olds in a playground it's two adults and therefore a question of proportionality and severity, not 'who threw the first punch?'. Put this case in a courtroom and very simply the man would be up for assault and he would be unable to claim he was acting in self-defence. The woman lost her temper and should not have lashed out, but his violent response was completely disproportionate and excessive. He had various options.... restrain the woman, block any more slaps, walk away... but he chose to go on the attack.

Assault and abuse.

i honestly couldnt agree more, i know its very bad for the children to witness, which is why i will make sure it doesnt happen again... thank you everyone for your opinions

i mean i honestly couldnt agree more to namethattuna

You can stop yourself from hitting, but a line has been crossed now

How will you stop your husband from hitting you ? By not winding him up ? That is a very slippery slope to slave status. Also a very bad example for your children

Your relationship is doomed, love. Sorry.

As I said before, OP, you are questioning your behaviour, which shows that your hitting is not abuse. Abuse, when it's physical, is hitting with the aim of control. His 4 punches had a clear intended message: you stepped out of line and you'd better get back in line because he will make sure you do.

Both in wrong for hitting.

You asked if he had money, he said yes but at the shop you asked for bank card. He said he didn't have it so why not then ask for the actual money or are you just splitting hairs?

Of course you shouldn't have op, but you still didn't 'deserve' the punches that he threw at you, and it does suggest there is quite a bit of background here.
Obviously, you need to leave him. If only it was as easy to do as it is for people to say...
People who are abused do snap and do even try to fight back sometimes.

You shouldn't have hit him obviously, clearly you know this.

However you hit him once, he did NOT have to hit you back, he certainly didn't have to attack you in return, he could easily have removed himself from the situation.

Did he hurt you OP? Do you think you hurt him? That's where the difference is, you lost it in frustration and struck out he turned on you with fury and launched an attack you had no hope of defending yourself from. Yours was one strike, his was a sustained, purposeful attack, that's the difference. He sounds like a nasty bastard and I would be leaving this man.