Whirlwind online romance gone sour - advice pls

[Kirsten1983]

FYI I don't have children (yet!) I just respect your opinion, Mumsnetters!

I started chatting to C online six months ago. We met after 2 months when he flew from London to Edinburgh to meet me. On our first weekend together, he made it clear that he wanted to marry me. He said the most amazing things, he was so complimentary and loving.

We got engaged 2 months after that. I handed in my notice at work, got tenants into my flat and moved to be with him. I have been here six weeks now and it has been awful! He has just started a new job and the agreement was we would move into a rented flat together near his new work. This hasn?t happened though and I am stuck most days alone in his house in a small village whilst he rents a single room. I can?t look for work as I don?t know where we?re going to be. I should say though, that his job is far more highly paid than mine. He says he doesn?t want to rent somewhere until after six months because his new job isn?t that secure.

He hasn?t been very affectionate at all ever since I moved. I pointed this out and he seemed very shocked and asked why I hadn?t said anything sooner. I have had a good talk with him and he does admit to having doubts although he insists he ?really loves me?. He hates the fact that I often drink too much wine and so I have recently knocked that on the head.

I am due to go on holiday with my parents in 2 weeks for one week and it is my thirtieth birthday when I get back. (He is 35). I can?t obviously move back to my flat as it has tenants in it and I can?t afford the mortgage with no job. I can, however, move back in with my parents in Edinburgh!

Do you have any advice? Many thanks.

All I can say is that if it's like this after 6 months... what's it going to be like after 6 years?

What do you mean by 'He hates the fact that I often drink too much wine'? How much do you actually drink? Are you pissed every night? (That's not judgemental, btw, I just want to know so I can get a better idea of the situation.

So are you his housekeeper, secret bit on the side in the country? It sounds all wrong.

Well, you have given up a lot to be with him and you aren't happy. I wouldn't say it is his fault or yours, it is just that that reality bites and perhaps you are repenting at leisure after making a hasty decison?

If you want to be in London, you could try finding a job and a flat of your own and to continue dating him and starting over without rushing into living together and talk of marriage. But if you are missing your flat and friends and life in Edinburgh then stay with your parents until your tenants move out. It depends whether moving was all about being with your BF or in part starting a new life in London. You can still do that if it was.

best of luck x

Massive alarm bells here, I'm afraid. Too much, too soon. You don't even know one another! What made you make such an enormous decision so quickly?!

I only drink once a week but it's a bottle and a half of wine. He has got pissed plenty of times too though but he doesn't like it when women do it or when I do it without him. I find it easy not to drink though, it's just when I have one or two I get carried away. So my plan is just to stay sober!

I suppose I wonder if it's just his new job (which is extremely stressful, long hours) and him getting used to having someone in his space.

Move back in with your parents, find a new job, get you old flat back when you can afford it.

Then read the relationship threads on here and google 'relationship warning signs' before you start a new relationship. There were lots of red flags in your current relationship, it would be a good idea to familiarise yourself with them before you date again.

So he rents a place near his work, while you're a house-sitter for him - and presumably you see him on weekends?

This whole thing has gone very very quickly. Speaking to someone online and by phone is not the same thing as meeting them in person. Him wanting to marry you when you first met. He didn't even know 'you' - he wanted to marry the image of you he'd constructed in his head, based on your emails and calls. He didn't know if you bite your toenails, if you have chronic flatulence, if you have an annoying laugh, if you wake up screaming at 3am and don't know about it..

I'd take it very carefully, work out whether you want this or not, see how you feel on holiday and move out if you need to. There are all kinds of red-flags here

"He hates the fact that I often drink too much wine and so I have recently knocked that on the head."

The word 'whirlwind' is often a bad sign. I know Gavin and Stacey lasted the distance but this is real-life and 'whirlwind' early declarations of love, moving in together and marriage are often a front for people who want to rush you into decisions before you get chance to see what they're really like.

So you're jobless, stuck in a small flat, he's distant already and now you're modifying your behaviour just to please him. Assuming you're not an alcoholic I'm thinking 'slippery slope'.

RUN

"He hates the fact that I often drink too much wine and so I have recently knocked that on the head."

Could be totally innocent - all relationships involve compromise - but I read that and thought red flag. What is he going to ask you to change next? Apologies if it's totally innocent!

My advice ?

End it, and learn a lesson from this.

I doubt it is his new job, that is who he is.

So early in a relationship everything should be easy and lovely. The fact that it's not and you're unhappy due both circumstances AND his behaviour is not a good sign. And don't even consider changing your behaviour to suit him, that's no way to make a relationship last.

Run away fast!
Red flags all over it.

Signs You Are Dating An Abuser

'Abuse' may be rather alarmist/premature but I think you should read the article and see if you recognise any more of the warning signs mentioned.

Snotfunny - I guess it was because he seemed so genuine and I wanted to believe the fairytale. I hated my job at home but at least it paid the bills!

Saggy - thank you for the idea. The move was to be with him but I could find work here I guess. He has said that he will support me financially whatever happens til I get sorted.

Of course he would like to "support you financially"

It would give him more control over you

I doubt he would tolerate "his" money being spent on wine

Is he really in a room elsewhere? Are you sure this flat is not a mistress flat, only you are not aware?

You hardly know each other. It's hard to understand why you didn't wait to get to know each other.
Mark it down as an interesting experience and move on.

The only fairytale you're in is the one where you're trapped in a gingerbread house being fattened up for dinner...

Deep fried sage - no, he's only taken the room up recently, he was commuting for a few weeks. And I've seen his tenancy agreement etc.

He could have told his wife he was working away for a few weeks, and faked a tenancy. Who close to him have you met?

You don't know him at all, OP. That much is very clear. You have hitched your wagon to somebody that didn't fulfil the promise of the lies they told about themselves. There is no shame in that for you, but you would be very foolish to carry on believing the fairy tale in the face of hard evidence to the contrary.

I've met his sister and brother in law. And his dad over Skype.

Or someone pretending to be those people!

I just wonder if I would regret it if I didn't give it my best shot! Perhaps we could look back and say it was hard for a bit when we first moved in together but look at us now...?

No, that's now how it works, love

The beginning of a relationship should be fantastic...full of fun and making each other feel like the most important person in the world (and not just the beginning either..)

Not miserable and confusing, making you doubt yourself.

Cut your losses now, before you get in any deeper

I have a feeling you will continue to flog this dead horse though. Try not to make yourself any more vulnerable that you already are, though. And for God's sake, don't complete the cliche by getting pregnant.