Whirlwind online romance gone sour - advice pls

[Kirsten1983]

FYI I don't have children (yet!) I just respect your opinion, Mumsnetters!

I started chatting to C online six months ago. We met after 2 months when he flew from London to Edinburgh to meet me. On our first weekend together, he made it clear that he wanted to marry me. He said the most amazing things, he was so complimentary and loving.

We got engaged 2 months after that. I handed in my notice at work, got tenants into my flat and moved to be with him. I have been here six weeks now and it has been awful! He has just started a new job and the agreement was we would move into a rented flat together near his new work. This hasn?t happened though and I am stuck most days alone in his house in a small village whilst he rents a single room. I can?t look for work as I don?t know where we?re going to be. I should say though, that his job is far more highly paid than mine. He says he doesn?t want to rent somewhere until after six months because his new job isn?t that secure.

He hasn?t been very affectionate at all ever since I moved. I pointed this out and he seemed very shocked and asked why I hadn?t said anything sooner. I have had a good talk with him and he does admit to having doubts although he insists he ?really loves me?. He hates the fact that I often drink too much wine and so I have recently knocked that on the head.

I am due to go on holiday with my parents in 2 weeks for one week and it is my thirtieth birthday when I get back. (He is 35). I can?t obviously move back to my flat as it has tenants in it and I can?t afford the mortgage with no job. I can, however, move back in with my parents in Edinburgh!

Do you have any advice? Many thanks.

[SecondRow]

What GetYourSocksOff said.

Which actions - not words - will you accept as indication of him bucking his ideas up?

[wizzler]

Run

[LessMissAbs]

You gave up your job and your home for someone you've known for 4 months??

You sound so surrendered. Do you not value your own life?

And would you have done the same if his job wasn't so well paid.

Sorry, no sympathy for you here. It sounds like a car crash. With you steering.

[Officershitty]

Bit harsh, abs . OP came on here for advice. OP hope you take the advice of the people on here.

[ProperStumped]

Have you never made a mistake Abs?

She just wants some help, that's all.

[JessicaBeatriceFletcher]

He wanted to marry you when you first met. You had spent hardly any time together and got engaged, gave up everything and moved to London. Unless you are 18, that's really living in cloud cuckoo loud behaviour on your part. Possibly controlling on his.

Get out, get out now.

[HuwEdwards]

At this point in your relationship, you should be wildly delirious about eachother, not having to change your behaviour in order to try and win him round.

I'm sorry, I really don't think he loves you.

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

You don't know the man at all. Open your eyes and realise that. You have to let to of the fantasy because it never existed.

[BeCool]

You are walking on eggshells after 6 months.
You are trying to change yourself to suit his "ideal" of "you" after 6 months.
You have changed everything to "be" with him and you aren't even living with him!

The phrase "start as you mean to go on" leaps to mind - as others said this should be the easy, loving head over heels stage.

You are both trying to make this relationship be something it's not. There is no point in this is there?

Run for the hills. Or better still call your Mum and get her to drive you :)

Hold your head up high - you are wise and responsible to yourself. Feel proud of your commitment to yourself and your happiness by realising this is not a man/relationship to settle for.

If you really must stay with him, get yourself into a flat share, get a job and date him. But I don't think it's worth your time.

[Lweji]

I'd be looking for a new job, probably in Edinburgh.

[Rulesgirl]

Op...you sent him off to have a think ? How did that go?

[BonaDrag]

Don't feel bad OP, you have it a shot. If it doesn't work out you can always go back home with your head held high knowing you won't be plagued with what ifs.

But if I were you...I'd run for the fucking hills..

[Nerfmother]

I think we could also look at the possibility of this bloke not being a total knob?
I am shocked that I seem to be the only person thinking that a bottle and a half of wine in one go, on your own is a lot. I lived with a binge drinker and it was horrible.
It sounds like he has cold feet and is not as keen. That is allowed!
I would suggest moving home or moving out and dating on equal terms.

[Gingersstuff]

at the "womanhating arsehole" seriously??
I do feel for you but he's probably just a bit lazy, really. Or more likely, having a rethink after a couple of months of madness and realising that actually you don't know each other at all. You handed yourself and your life to him on a plate with a side salad to boot and now he doesn't have to make an effort. You're not a teenager anymore so put your big girl pants on, knock this fantasy on the head and move back to your own life. Put it down to experience as we have all made mistakes.
Honestly I can't imagine that any relationship starting off on such a wrong foot can really go anywhere. I think you need to take time out and assess why you thought it was a good idea to give up your entire life after a couple of months, before getting into another relationship. Good luck.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Sorry but I think there is a pretty good chance of him being a woman-hating arsehole. He's targeted a woman online who must have given off signals of being a bit vulnerable, a bit naive - sorry OP but a woman with high self esteem and some reasonable experience would not jack in her whole life to run off with an online boyfy. He's isolated her from her friends and family, got her stuck in some tiny flat somewhere and is criticising her behaviour and telling her to change. Those are fairly classic abuser tactics.

Of course, he could just be an immature fantasist as well, and now he's got the Love Of His Life right there in front of him, doesn't know what to do.

Either way, OP, dump him, go home, sort your own life out and then worry about dating.

[Nerfmother]

He hasn't asked her to change. I don't think it's unreasonable to object to someone drinking either nothing or 1.5 bottles of wine at once. That would be a red flag to me.
If his job is not secure it would be madness to take on a big rent until he knows he will be staying on.
You are thirty, you have up a lot and its not what it seemed. Get out and get on with something else. Date him on equal terms.

[Thisisaeuphemism]

I hope you are ok, op.

[Rulesgirl]

Totally agree nerf and ginger I more or less said the same. She gave it all up to quickly to a man she didn't know who thought he was in love. Reality kicks in and its all a big mistake.

[Rulesgirl]

He didn't isolate her from anything....she chose to do that to herself.

[Nerfmother]

I think you can have sympathy without making him the bad guy. It's just a poor choice; worth a shot though. I moved in with dh after three months and ten years later we are together.

[BeCool]

I read something on here ages ago which has stuck with me since:

When someone shows you who they are, believe them!

Really good advice.

How are you getting on OP?