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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Absolutely dreading OH coming home

47 replies

IEM3 · 06/07/2013 21:34

I am taking steps to leave my H. I have posted before. He blew his top with me again today. I am always wary of speaking to him as often unsure how he will react. Today he was going out with a friend. It had been planned for months and I had no problem with it. I thought I would go and see my family to celebrate our DCs birthdays. It was only arranged a couple of days ago and I had been worried about saying it. I said today just as he was getting ready to go. He got really angry. He said I had purposely stopped him from celebrating DCs birthdays with my family. At this point I need to add that I had been confiding with my family about his behaviour to me and they were not keen to see him.anyway. I thought it would be best to go when H was out anyway. I said he wasnt going to be around today anyway so why shouldnt I go? I said I didnt think it would be a problem. He said "That's right you didnt think, as always". He then started to shout at me about us splitting up anyway. He said "You can leave, just you and I'll fight you all the way. He was shouting and swearing and downing my family. The DCs heard all this and were really upset. I apologised to him (as udual)

OP posts:
Original poster
IEM3 · 06/07/2013 21:39

Sorry I just wanted to see if I was in the wrong for not telling him sooner. He said if he took the kids away to his family without me I would be upset. I said but if I was away anyway I wouldnt be upset at all but he didnt believe me but I later remembered a long tome back.when I had a girls weekend away, he went away to his family. I didnt mind one bit. I am just unsure and confused and worried how he will be when he comes back. Any advice.gratefully accepted. thanks

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Zynnia · 06/07/2013 21:42

I left a man like that 6 years ago. I used to dread the sound of his key in the lock too, as he was like a dark cloud walking in to the house.

I hope you're ok. I'm glad to hear you have made the decision to leave. That point where you realise that it's so bad you have to leave. No more denial, no more telling yourself you can handle it, or that you've made your bed and you have to lie in it blah blah blah, it is a massive step for you that you 've decided to leave and are taking steps to arrange it. Some people never get to that point.

What are your plans? My x threatened me with all sorts too. But after you have left them they have effectively lost their old power. Yeh they can take you to court and mine did but in court, your h won't be the judge. So court is not as bad as living under the same roof as a tyrannical bad tempered despot.

have you read lundy bancrofts "why does he do that?". You sound really ready for it! I mean that as a compliment! Wine

Zynnia · 06/07/2013 21:45

I'm sure basically whatever you do or don't do you can never please him, and I'm guessing there's no rhyme or reason to it. You can't even predict with total accuracy what will set him off?? you avoid the known triggers but any attempt to meet any of your needs, to suit you, work around your family is met with a tantrum.

Is he trying to train you not to have any needs? My x did that to me.

Don't leave without your kids. Phone the police if you have to.

Zynnia · 06/07/2013 21:46

Do you have family near by that you can go to with the kids?

Zynnia · 06/07/2013 21:49

ps, he's trying to isolate you from your support. Your family will give you perspective and obviously tell you that you don't deserve to be yelled at, and over something so bizarre, so he wants to make sure he is around when you are with your family, so that they can't support you or advise you or tell you you deserve more.

Are you still there?

Noregrets78 · 06/07/2013 21:57

Just another saying no, YANBU. He was going out anyway, you were left with the DCs. It was up to you where you went with them, just as it was up to him when you were away.

Classic spaghetti head, tying your brain up in knots. Very obvious from an outside observer.

Zynnia · 06/07/2013 21:59

yeh, it can be so hard to believe your own instincts when you live with somebody who twists your thoughts and words and actions, and throws it all back at you giving it an entirely different meaning from the one you'd intended, but you did not do anything selfish or unreasonable or thoughtless taking your children to your family while he was out anyway .

Mumsyblouse · 06/07/2013 22:03

I think the fact you were scared to tell him about a perfectly reasonable plan to see your family and are now scared of him coming back tell you all you need to know- you are scared of this man as he's horrible and shouty and intimidating. Wouldn't it be nice to feel relaxed in your own home and not to have to walk on eggshells? I think splitting up is definitely the way forward.

Lweji · 06/07/2013 22:18

I'd have been damned if I had to tell ex when I took DS out when he was out, and I wouldn't have expected him to tell me either.

Just so you know, ex used to tell me he wouldn't let go of DS.
DS now lives full time with me, ex sees him via Skype and so far only with supervised contact.
He doesn't really care about DS, btw, and I don't think yours does either.

SolidGoldBrass · 06/07/2013 22:22

Don't leave without your kids. In fact, if you explain to your family that you are leaving this worthless man, is it likely that they will offer you a place to stay? If so, you could just pack a bag while he's at work, grab DC and go.

Original poster
IEM3 · 06/07/2013 23:01

Thanks everyone for your advice. I really appreciate your support. Hes not back yet. Yes I have a place to go. Went to solicitor last week who is drawing up divorce papers. He will hold until I give the word to send (once out with DCs). He has such a nasty streak so controlling. when he starts shouting I just crumble. That book sounds good but I darent order fro amazon or he will see. This is horrid.

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Original poster
IEM3 · 06/07/2013 23:02

I have also asked for counselling.

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Noregrets78 · 06/07/2013 23:14

I can't emphasize how much help that book is. It really made me see what he was, and meant I could see through just about everything he said. I changed my password on Amazon, and had it delivered to a friend's house. Do think about it.

Well done on the solicitors, and the counselling.

Zynnia · 06/07/2013 23:16

can you order it on amazon and send it to your mum and dad's house?

My x was another one who thought that he was going to crush me in court and win custody of the children Confused on the grounds that...... I couldn't drive, I was "unemployed" and I'd been on anti-depressants and I was "mad". A solicitor quickly disabused him of his delusions.

Zynnia · 06/07/2013 23:21

And just to emphasise again, when you can put down the phone, not answer texts, delete texts! get a new sim, change your email, delete off fb etc... That is when they start trying to use the system to control you. It seems scary but it's proof you have broken free really.

marriedinwhiteagain · 06/07/2013 23:23

You can order it from Amazon you set up a gmail account on the computer at the library (you do have your own bank account don't you?) or you order it through your mum and dad.

Original poster
IEM3 · 06/07/2013 23:32

I didnt think of that. Thanks..will do. Zynnia I long for my freedom. I hope I can get there.

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Original poster
IEM3 · 06/07/2013 23:36

My phone keeps dropping signal and losing my replies. I will pretend to be asleep when he comes back. I am also dreading tomorrow as we have a birthday party booked for our youngest DC and he threathened he wouldnt come to that. Youngest heard and got upset. What a fw!

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marriedinwhiteagain · 06/07/2013 23:37

How old are your DC. So sorry - all will be well in the end. He sounds a Dick.

Original poster
IEM3 · 06/07/2013 23:38

I think he will try and use every trick in the book but on the other hand he doesnt like spending money so it seems conflicting that he would "fight me all the way".

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Zynnia · 06/07/2013 23:39

You can get there.... my x used to carry on like that. he would orchestrate a fight at the last moment, before we went out, before people arrived.......... It was so exhausting.

LilyAmaryllis · 06/07/2013 23:40

Good luck IEM3. Get out of there with the kids as soon as possible. (But you know that)

Zynnia · 06/07/2013 23:41

ah yes! a tightwad. Mine too! Mine was also all talk when it came down to it. He must have been advised by his solicitor that he could try and get custody but that it wouldn't be guaranteed by any means, and it would cost. So in the end he dropped that and left us to simmer in our own poverty instead!! far more in keeping with his selfishness and meanness.

Original poster
IEM3 · 06/07/2013 23:43

3 DCs 15, 12 and 6. Oldest is very much aware of the problems and is suppprtive of leaving. I think the other two will be upset but they get upset by him on a regular basis.

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Zynnia · 06/07/2013 23:44

we are ok now though. I want you to know that. It gets easier. You re-build. I'm feeling quite fortunate at the moment actually. For two years after I left my x, every night when I got into the bed at my mum's house I was just so grateful he wasn't in it.