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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Absolutely dreading OH coming home

47 replies

IEM3 · 06/07/2013 21:34

I am taking steps to leave my H. I have posted before. He blew his top with me again today. I am always wary of speaking to him as often unsure how he will react. Today he was going out with a friend. It had been planned for months and I had no problem with it. I thought I would go and see my family to celebrate our DCs birthdays. It was only arranged a couple of days ago and I had been worried about saying it. I said today just as he was getting ready to go. He got really angry. He said I had purposely stopped him from celebrating DCs birthdays with my family. At this point I need to add that I had been confiding with my family about his behaviour to me and they were not keen to see him.anyway. I thought it would be best to go when H was out anyway. I said he wasnt going to be around today anyway so why shouldnt I go? I said I didnt think it would be a problem. He said "That's right you didnt think, as always". He then started to shout at me about us splitting up anyway. He said "You can leave, just you and I'll fight you all the way. He was shouting and swearing and downing my family. The DCs heard all this and were really upset. I apologised to him (as udual)

OP posts:

Zynnia · 06/07/2013 23:49

ps, and wrt the children, they may not actually be upset per se that their dad doesn't turn up for events, it's more like they pick up on the fact that they have failed to win him over. They're taking on the people pleasing peace keeper role and they might fear that if they hadn't said x, or asked for y, or stood in front of the cupboard when Daddy was trying to open it causing him to sigh and tut then maybe maybe he would come to their party.

I would try to talk to them about needing to distance yourselves from his bad moods, that from now on, clean slate, it's OK to be happy, to march to the beat of your own drum, not tip toe round a bad humoured person trying to please him, feeling down if they imagine they've failed to 'earn' his presence or his approval or his blessing. As an adult it is easy to fall in to this trap. I felt like I needed my x's blessing and approval to leave him. I basically foolishly wasted a year trying to get his approval for having left him.

Original poster

IEM3 · 06/07/2013 23:51

Thanks again to you all. It is such a help to diffuse the confusion he causes me. I started on ADs 3 weeks ago and had started to feel calmer but the anxiety I have been through today is exhausting. Zynnia did you leave with nothing? Did you have to start again from scratch. He keeps commenting about our house and how much he has "invested" in it. Threatened suicide rather than sell. I think he thinks I wont be entitled but I know I am. Been married 15 yrs and both names on deeds.

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Zynnia · 06/07/2013 23:55

can I pm you as don't want to out myself?

Original poster

IEM3 · 06/07/2013 23:58

I think we all try to please him. I certainly go round the houses doing this. sometimes its so exhausting as I anticipate a problem, try things to deflect, only to find he didnt have a problem with it! Its maddening and confusing.

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Original poster

IEM3 · 07/07/2013 00:00

Zynnia Yes of course. Im fairly new to this. Presume I will see a message in inbox. Thanks.

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Zynnia · 07/07/2013 00:11

sent! it's just that all my friends and family know the exact circumstances of how I left. although i'm sure it's a common enough story.

I know what you mean about feeling exhausted. Most of the arguments I had with my x were when he told me what I thought. So the argument we were having was all based on what he believed I Believed so I had to try and persuade him that I didn't think that/hadn't said that - round and round and round it all went.

You're probably a bit scared of all the change ahead of you, but think about how much more energy you're going to have in your tank to get things organised when you're not using up every last drop of emotional strength having pointless and ridiculous arguments with him?

I was on trial for 7 years with my x. He was the criminal barrister cross-examining me. And I wasn't certain what the charge was. So it was hard to defend myself, but I tried.

Original poster

IEM3 · 07/07/2013 00:30

Yes his arguments go on and on and are completely exhausiting. He just doesnt stop and bombards me with all sorts of angles so I just give in in the end to shut him up. The last one lasted about 4 hours and finished with him telling what else was wrong with me )getting older, losing confidence etc) because he says he is too.Sometimes he puts in things that are reasonable and it gets confusing.

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Original poster

IEM3 · 07/07/2013 00:32

I can hear him coming back now so I "sleeping". thanks for all your help. x

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Angelina7 · 07/07/2013 00:54

Wow, I just want to show my support, you clearly are not alone, I don't understand men at all but I know one thing, women are by far the strongest sex maybe not physically but in every other way. All the best, you know what you are doing & clearly have your head screwed on & your heart in the right place, for yourself & your children, go for it xxx

BerkshireMum · 07/07/2013 07:35

Hope you're okay this morning IEM3 and that the party for DC goes well. Do keep us posted - lots of hand holding here.

Original poster

IEM3 · 07/07/2013 08:29

Thanks again everyone. I hope today goes ok. Have some friends coming over too so I think it will. I am still on pins though as I think he'll start again when everyones gone.

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Zynnia · 07/07/2013 08:58

Hope you're ok today. you won't have to endure him for the rest of your life now you've made the decision.

Those four hour rants were the worst! my x used to rant and rage for hours - about, omg, some thing I'd said or done which had been an affront to him, how dare I........

slipperySlip000 · 07/07/2013 09:08

Well done IEM3 for making positive steps to leave this man! The feeling of freedom you are about to experience is a amazing. I did it two weeks ago. Here, holding your hand all the way. Go for it, you can do it!

Zynnia · 07/07/2013 09:14

ps, just seen what age your children are. I know it will be hard but at least you have the support of the eldest. he/she will respect you for leaving. The respect of your children is worth much much more than the respect of your MIL.

Hissy · 07/07/2013 09:28

Oh god Zynnia, I remember the cross-examination! It makes my stomach knot just recalling it.

I used to have to 'get my story straight', rehearse my comments and statements and second guess any possible point where I may fall into his trap.

When he opened the door i'd jump.

That is not a life OP. Make plans, and get out. I hope your family's supportive but even if they aren't, jus t get out anyway and divorce him.

He won't kill himself, they ALL threaten that. It's the abusers script.

You can do this.

I did it 2 years ago after 10 years. I have never regretted it for a nanosecond!

You will never regret it. Promise.

Hissy · 07/07/2013 09:29

Oh yeah.. the MIL.. well she made him like that, so whatever she has to say, unless 100% supportive of YOU, she can spin!

Zynnia · 07/07/2013 09:32

That's true, you will never regret it.

I remember lying on the bed feeling physically ill I'd been shouted at for so long. What a life.

He won't kill himself!! No such luck. They never do. I was afraid my x would kill me, or the kids. he did sort of love them but his hatred for me was stronger than his love for the kids. that's what MY fear was. But he didn't have the children on his own for a long time. I had to put up with his presence but only for a few hours as my parents said he could see the children in their house and I knew he wouldn't start yelling at me with them there. And they weren't afraid of him. they would have called the police if they'd needed to.

Original poster

IEM3 · 07/07/2013 10:18

Thank you so much again. Slipperlyslip I wish you all the best for your future. Hoping I wont be far behind. Yes I can equate I too always try to get my story right or plain lie because I have no choice and its a way to deflect. We off to the party now and I am glad we have company this afternoon. Bye for now and thanks x

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Original poster

IEM3 · 07/07/2013 20:58

All went well today. Like Jeckyll and Hyde all sweetness with me at party and with friends. They have gone now but so far things are quiet. Lets hope that continues.

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slipperySlip000 · 08/07/2013 00:53

Well done, you are amazing! Have you firmed up your plans? Keep us posted.

Original poster

IEM3 · 08/07/2013 07:49

Thanks. Waiting for paperwork but plans in motion. Just really anxious today. Think I was anticipating him blowing up again after everyone went but he was ok. Now I just feel uneasy.

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Snazzywaitingforsummer · 08/07/2013 07:58

More power to your elbow. He sounds horrible. Hope your paperwork is ready soon.

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