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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not really sure what just happened with DH

250 replies

Roundtheruggedrocks · 05/07/2013 07:42

I got upset with DH last night because, once again, he didn't want to have sex. He says he's very tired/exhausted/just can't put the effort in right now (he is managing a stressful billion pound deal for various parties/clients, so responsibility all on him), even though I have asked him to make an effort with me to improve our sex life. I also ovulated last night and we had agreed while cuddling in bed that we were going to have sex, so I got ready for bed and came out to find him having left the bed and in the living room watching TV. He then turned all the lights off, said goodnight and turned over.

I (very calmly) pointed out that he had just said we were going to have sex. He said no I'm too tired and I got upset and said I really needed to have sex more than once every month (we are virtual newlyweds with no DCs) within our marriage because I loved the intimacy of it.

He then got extremely cross with me and started shouting. He said I made his life stressful and listed various jobs around the house I had not done (cleaning sofa covers, sewing buttons on his shirt etc) and told me I knew "nothing." "Nothing about sex, about relationships, about love, money, about hard work." He said he was trying to manage our lives and finances, protect and secure us money for the future after providing me with a great home and good life and here I was "offended," he was too tired to have sex.He carried on to say that I was not his equal, that being with me was like an adult being with a lazy child wanting her needs satisfied every day.

I told him that I had not accused him of anything I had just told him something I wanted and I understood how much pressure he was under and please don't make it so personal and bring our entire relationship into question, but the fuse was already lit (he has a tendency to go off on one once he's started.) so most of the night he starts accusing me of things - that I will definitely cheat on him because my sex drive is so high and he can't satisfy it. That I must be mentally unhinged. He then leaves the room and comes back in and tells me he's decided I'm depressed and I need help (I'm not.)

I recently got sacked from a job and lost one of my close friends and he turns both into something that is my fault - you're lazy, you don't work hard enough, your friend X is a shit friend, but so are all of your friends you can't rely on any of them - if you really want to put the world to rights, start with your shit friendships and forget your dissatisfaction about sex.

On and on until 4am.

He provides everything and works very hard. I do work (did until I got sacked last week) and I am not lazy, although I admit I am not the most practical person on earth.

At 4am once his stream of consciousness/accusations have run out, he starts poking me under the covers and pulling my knickers down. Now, of course, is not the time I feel like having sex. So I say no and he uses that as yet more fuel for the fire of my "fickle, satisfaction-based personality."

Have woken up this morning and feel like I'ce been hit by a bus. What do you think has happened?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/07/2013 10:54

A log of sex? Jesus Christ... .this man is appalling. He thinks he can brow-beat you into accepting any version of things that he wants. He styles himself your 'main ally'??? Hmm Ally against what? Why do you need an ally? He hates your 'fucking friends'.... so he's now trying to isolate you from your support network.

Do get out of this relationship. This man is an abusive bully and he cares nothing for you, only for himself.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/07/2013 10:55

13) You're in complete isolation. Your partner doesn't want you around your friends or family and has convinced you that THEY are the ones who are abusive to you - not him.

From the same article

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/07/2013 10:56

2) When you do talk to your significant other, he puts you down and makes you feel stupid.

Sound familiar?

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 05/07/2013 10:58

The scales are falling off your eyes. [Flowers] I am sorry you are going through this. Life as newly weds should not be that hard. Actually, life should not be that hard at any point.

He does not believe you are an equal.

Starting attacking your friends and isolating you is a red flag. You need support to think straight and remain strong. Clear your Internet history. I would not be surprised if his next grudge was against MN.

Please talk to friends in RL. Maybe a counsellor just for you, to work out why you accepted the abuse early on?

LemonPeculiarJones · 05/07/2013 11:04

What he said to you wasn't 'barely forgivable'.

It was completely unforgivable.

This man is cruel, entitled - a really nasty piece of work. Every day you stay with him is a foolish decision not worthy of you.

Every day you stay with him now you are implicitly agreeing with his assessment of you. Take back your power. This relationship has no future.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 05/07/2013 11:05

To me, it says an awful lot that he only wanted to have sex after he had spent hours telling you what an awful person you were.
I would find that a very worrying aspect, that he only wants sex once he has spent hours belittling you and critisising you.
It's like he is putting you down,and then putting you in a position where you must be grateful he wants to have sex, because after all, you are so awful.

That's horrible and abusive in my mind.

The hating your friends thing also worries me.

Reading your OP sounds like he is very much trying to make you feel worthless and isolate you from your friends so you only have him.
And you should feel lucky to have him because he has spent so long making sure you have no one else and making you feel like a failure that you end up thinking this is all you are worth.

I hope you do not have children with this man.

Itaintmebabeitaintmeyourlookin · 05/07/2013 11:12

He is really defensive about the sex issue.. Does he not like sex or feel under pressure or inadequate?
Quite honestly he sounds unhinged whether due to stress or inability to cope for other reasons is OT clear.
He has to speak to you calmly with respect.
When he comes out of the shower you tell him he speaks to you respectfully and calmly without unfounded criticism from now on or your relationship may start to be in the balance.

Itaintmebabeitaintmeyourlookin · 05/07/2013 11:14

Last night he put you in your place . He wants to be top dog and he doesn't want you telling him what to do .

Then, on his terms he decided to go for sex.

He is an emotionally unintelligent bully

QuintessentialOldDear · 05/07/2013 11:15

If I were you, I would also keep a log of the pattern he is keeping with abuse and band aid.

He belittles your friends and tell you he is your main ally?

How did you lose your friend? Related to him in any way? Does he want to isolate you? What does your family think about it?

Really, please do not bring a child into this marriage. It will be a disaster.

theorchardkeeper · 05/07/2013 11:20

HE SAID HE WANTS CHILDREN

You do realize that from what you've described (i.e him being a bit abusive and not very 'nice') that it is so likely to get so much worse once you've had his kids. You'll be right where he wants you, pinned underneath him, where he can belittle you all he likes etc.

Seriously, what just happened is that you realized this pattern is seriously unhealthy and wrong and your survival instinct is trying to make you get a grip and get the hell out of there.

I don't mean to sound harsh or OTT but considering the context, the fact he wants you to have kids and has persuaded you to feel the same way is ringing thousands of alarm bells.

Mintyy · 05/07/2013 11:21

I think this is really simple. You are virtual newlyweds but he can only be persuaded to have sex once a month? You have no children to complicate matters. You need to cut your losses and leave him, honestly. Sorry, but there is no repairing a relationship which is so rotten so early on and its not worth persevering with. You should be with a better partner or on your own.

theorchardkeeper · 05/07/2013 11:24

Just read the bit about being your main ally....REALLY!!?? Hmm

You have to actually be on someone's side to be their ally.

That makes it so much more likely that this is an abusive pattern that will get worse and worse and is a dangerous place to be. Trying to convince you that you need to be with them as you have no other decent connections Hmm

God, for your own sake and no one else's...please stop worrying about anything you may/may not have done/said to cause this and consider getting out of this relationship. Stress at work is an excuse...he's using your reasonable feelings/confrontation as an excuse...(which, by the way, he is shouting you down for in the hope that you'll stop confronting him and just put up with it because it wears you down).

Sorry this is happening to you but please consider how serious this is and that this is very likely to get so much worse over time Thanks

theorchardkeeper · 05/07/2013 11:26

(and no newlywed in love is going to say they think you're beneath them...He is trying to purposefully make you feel bad about yourself. That is not a sign of a loving, healthy relationship)

schobe · 05/07/2013 11:26

Wtf have your friends got to do with anything?

I think he's worried you've spoken to a friend as your reactions today are different from usual. He feels his control of you slipping.

I'm not normally on the ltb bandwagon. But in this case he is practically reading an abuser's manual and practising each technique in turn.

Bonsoir · 05/07/2013 11:30

Badgering a man for sex on a Thursday night when he is in the middle of a huge deal at work is not clever. Hope you've learned your lesson, OP.

PeppermintPasty · 05/07/2013 11:33

Rugged, christ, I agree with everyone else.

I think you have an opportunity here to get out before the getting out becomes so much harder. If he won't accept that he needs to change and/or shoulder the blame for his own behaviour, then you have an out.

When children come along, oh my god they complicate things. It shouldn't be that way, abuse is abuse, and if anything, seeing a child exposed to it should make one's resolve stronger. But we've all seen on these boards that it ain't necessarily so.

I think you run a real risk of being slowly trapped and isolated by this man.

wilkos · 05/07/2013 11:39

My DH was like this. We are now divorcing. I will never forget the nighttime arguments. It was like torture with no escape Sad

buaitisi · 05/07/2013 11:53

Hi Op, I'm sorry you lost your job and had to put up with all that abuse last night.

There's no point talking to him now, why don't you get out of the house for a few nights?

It's hard to see things clearly when you're around each other in that atmosphere and he's judging everything as an insult ie 'your silence poisoning the atmosphere'.

NoRainNoRainbow · 05/07/2013 12:08

Bonsoir Really? Seriously? Hmm

OP you've had some really good advice on this thread.
You are worth more than this. A whole lot more.
He's not a man, he is a bully.

ZipItShrimpy · 05/07/2013 12:26

Bonsoir Why do you think it's not clever? Hmm

What an unhelpful post.

pinkhalf · 05/07/2013 12:35

Run away. This man sees you as little better than a pet. He decides what you need and provides it. You are not permitted to have your own needs.

Don't hang on, or be bought off by a present. Men like this buy presents or houses or cars or amazing weddings, but it means they buy you off.

Never trust a man who says your friends are bad for you. Next thing is, he says you don't need them, then you don't have them anyone. Because he decided that for you.

3littlefrogs · 05/07/2013 13:14

Call me old fashioned, but I would like to think having sex within a marriage was an expression of love, caring, physical attraction between 2 people in a committed relationship.

If he only wanted to have sex with you after bullying you, belittling you and generally being abusive, I find that sinister. He sounds manipulative and very unpleasant.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 05/07/2013 13:35

Nothing gives this pathetic excuse of a man the right to speak to you like this. He sounds totally and utterly unhinged and I would be leaving if I were you.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 05/07/2013 13:45

Get out get out get out.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 05/07/2013 13:50

At 4am once his stream of consciousness/accusations have run out, he starts poking me under the covers and pulling my knickers down.

Imho, this was not a desire to have respectful, intimant, love making with you, but rather as a dog would mark you as his possession/ territory. A literal dominate "fuck-you" gesture. I am glad you did not permit it.

Christo red flags, sorry.