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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone remember me?

85 replies

MummyIsMagic79 · 05/07/2013 00:07

I can't link to my old thread. H had affair while I was pregnant and life-threateningly ill. 8 months on still horrific. Can't live. Hate everything. So so so sad. I'm sorry to moan.

OP posts:
overtheraenbow · 05/07/2013 00:12

Hand holding mummy. Keep strong , you will get through this for your little one ( ?? ) how recently?

Original poster
MummyIsMagic79 · 05/07/2013 00:12

I can't do it

OP posts:
overtheraenbow · 05/07/2013 00:13

And don't be sorry lots of us been there and survived and thrived!

Original poster
MummyIsMagic79 · 05/07/2013 00:13

He's 8 months old. Found out about affair when I was 35 weeks preg.

OP posts:
overtheraenbow · 05/07/2013 00:13

Yes you can you can do it for your beautiful baby

myroomisatip · 05/07/2013 00:13

I cant say I remember your old thread but then I dont have time to read all of them.

I am sorry things are so bad for you, please feel free to moan away though! I know how much it helps.

I am sure someone clever will come along and link your old thead for you.
Do you want to say what has been going on over the last 8 months?

overtheraenbow · 05/07/2013 00:14

Men are crap !! His loss look what you have he will never have that bond x

overtheraenbow · 05/07/2013 00:17

8 months is still early days , were you together long? ( not that it matters)
Do you have RL support? Why do you feel you can't cope? Have you spoken to HV / GP ?

Original poster
MummyIsMagic79 · 05/07/2013 00:20

He has begged and pleaded and tried everything. He went to my parents house alone and told them everything. He called her in front of me when I found out and told her it was over. He went for std check up. He has showed his face at school lots of times (she is school run mum and my friend if 23 years). He has been to counselling. He has installed Find My Friends on his phone so I can track him. He has done everything I have asked and more. But I can't let it go. He now says all his love for me has died. He says its been eroded by me throwing it back in his face, or bringing up the affair every single day. Which is true I have. But I see her every single day. 3 times a day at school and preschool runs. Our eldest and middle schildren are in same classes and are best friends. She's a snake and he is worse. I'm trying but I just can't do it. But still I love him to distraction. Help me.

OP posts:
Original poster
MummyIsMagic79 · 05/07/2013 00:21

We have been together 10 years. Married for six. 3 DC

OP posts:
myroomisatip · 05/07/2013 00:23

I wish I had some wise words :( Hopefully someone else will.

It must be incredibly hard for you. Have you had counselling? Just for you?

overtheraenbow · 05/07/2013 00:28

Im presuming you are still together. Do you think it's time to call it a day . I couldn't do it day in day out with it all screaming at me in the face. Perhaps you need to extricate yourself somehow.
I vaguely remember the thread , is moving schools dot Dcs not an option ? ( recall you said not)
For some an affair can be moved on from for others it's a deal breaker ( it was for me) !

overtheraenbow · 05/07/2013 00:30

And you did not 'erode' his love , he did that by betraying you!!!

myroomisatip · 05/07/2013 00:30

If you have not had any counselling then I think you should get some.

I also think you should go and see your GP. You have had an enormous amount to deal with, the birth of a child is enough on its own without your H having an affair. I do not think it is reasonable for you to be able to 'move on' in any given period of time.

Your husband seems to be working to his own agenda! He cannot expect you to fit in with his imagined time scale of when you will forgive him!

lowercase · 05/07/2013 00:30

I remember you I think...

So, you've eroded his love- nothing to do with him having sex with your friend.

No wonder you feel like this, double betrayal with pregnancy / new baby to cope with.

My instinct says, how dare they rob you of this special time with your baby and other DC.

You have been though a hell of a lot, and until you get him out of your life / see the truth of the situation, you are going to go through a lot more.

What is your ideal from here?
Is he living with you?
Do you want him back?

suburbophobe · 05/07/2013 00:33

Yes, you can do it...

I was beaten during pregnancy. He left when my son was 6 months old told him to fuck off

With all due respect, he had his own problems, which is why it didn't work out.

My son is going into his 3rd year of university - dancing emoticon -

I won't say it was plain sailing, even now it,s not..

You just get on with it, in whichever way you can really..

I had to deal with taking care of my parents, and them dying too during all that. - Dad cancer, mum 7 years Alzheimers....

Never mind the office boss bitch! fuck her

That is life.

overtheraenbow · 05/07/2013 00:36

It's hard when you get to this point , I remember getting there and saying is this the kind of mum I want to be? Is this how I want my kids to think of me ( barely functioning , exhausted and depressed constantly on the brink of tears) at that point you have to decide what's best for you and them. He is the one who's created this situation and I agree the timescale is immaterial !!

overtheraenbow · 05/07/2013 00:40

If you decide to go it alone you WILL cope and you will be happier than you are now.
You did your best and tried to forgive him, but I really think sometimes some people are not made that way.

overtheraenbow · 05/07/2013 00:47

Try to get some sleep ( unless you are in a different time zone) get up tomorrow , put on some lippy smile and say good morning fuck you to the OW. Walk through the playground with your head held high
Make an appointment to see a solicitor and take some control of YOUR life. Do it for yourself and your children( time to get angry it really helps)
That well worn saying on MN ' fake it till you make it' and you will . Sorry got to go as important meeting tomorrow and can't be falling asleep !!will check in in the morning ((hugs)) be strong for your beautiful Dc's they need you. Xx

Allalonenow · 05/07/2013 00:49

I don't have any advice, but I know how awful it is, and how much it hurts, so sending you courage and strength. It is early days for you, you will get through this.

MollyMollyMolly · 05/07/2013 01:27

Its very hard to deal with an affair. Your oh seems to have been trying very to turn things around hasn't he but if you are bringing it up every day then I don't think any relationship can survive the constant stress that that brings. I know its hard but if you really want to move on and start afresh then you have to let go and start a new relationship with him. If you can let go of the affair (which is totally understandable) then maybe you have to call it a day as you and he cannot live like that. Relationships can and do survive affairs especially when the husband is prepared to do as much as yours has done but 8 months of daily picking over the wound will definitely kill off whatever you are trying to rebuild. What happened is mind blowing. If he has said that he has no love left then maybe he cant do it anymore. What do you want Op? Do you think there is any chance that he will try again if you can move on? Do you want to?

ChipsNEggs · 05/07/2013 05:32

I remember your thread. Wasn't he the one who was happy to let you think that you were going crazy as you knew something was wrong? It was tearing you apart for weeks. He wasn't sorry that you were going through hell, he was still happy to shag your 'friend' it only bothered him when he got caught. How long would he have let it go on otherwise? That's the behaviour of a total selfish bastard.

I couldn't get over it especially not with having to see her 3 times a day.

I think you need space from both him and her. Time to get your head together and decide what you really want.

Don't let him blame you for this, for any of it. He betrayed you horribly when you were pregnant and that was his sole choice. Its going to take a lot more than a few months of platitudes from him to heal from that.

hesterton · 05/07/2013 05:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mixxy · 05/07/2013 06:54

You don't owe him forgivness or a reconciliation, so if you can't forgive and forget, its not your fault. Its still all his. Not only are you out a husband, you're also minus a friend. And I'd say your confidence has taken a knock.

I know you love him in some sort of way, bit this is eating you up. Tell him to leave. Giving it a try didn't mean you had to forgive him. It still his mess. Move on now. Tell him to sling it. You'll feel better for it.

How is your new baby? Healthy?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/07/2013 07:00

You don't love him to distraction, you're just so frightened of the alternative that you're clinging to a memory of a functioning relationship & not the reality I can't quite work it out from your posts if he's still living with you and the DCs but, assuming he is, then please get him out of your eye-line and out of the house. Living with someone who has shown you this level of betrayal and contempt, thinking you have to 'move on' and accept their apologies, track their movements etc., reliving their disrespect for you on a daily basis will make you physically & mentally ill.

You can console yourself that you gave him more than a fighting chance, if that kind of thing is important to you. But for your own self-respect, ask him to leave now. It's painful but the only way to recover from something like this.

Good luck